Caring for a Difficult Parent

Self-care, boundaries, and a clear mission will help you care for your parent.

Key points

• You may need to accept that your care receiver will not likely change.

• Self-care is crucial when caregiving a difficult parent.

• Periodically revisit your boundaries to see how you are managing.

A stressed caregiver sits beside her elderly parent

Joanna could have screamed in frustration, but she had promised herself she wouldn’t. Her mother, Barbara, who had progressing vascular dementia, made everything more difficult than it had to be. If Barbara had an opportunity to criticize Joanna or anything she did, she took it and ran with it. She had complaints for every situation.

On one occasion, Joanna had prepared a basic lunch of soup and a sandwich, but it was not hot enough, had no flavor, and was too much to eat. Barbara might add that she couldn’t imagine how Joanna fed her family, the poor things. Every time Joanna drove her mother to her many medical appointments, she had to listen to a constant critique: she was driving too fast, stopped too suddenly, and wasn’t paying adequate attention. It didn’t matter that Joanna was a careful driver and had not been in an accident or gotten speeding tickets in decades. But her mother continued to complain.

When she started caring for her mother a year earlier, who lived in an apartment two miles away, she knew it would be challenging. Barbara had never been an especially empathic mother. She had always been tough and hard to please. While growing up, Joanna had struggled with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. At age 50, she’d been through plenty of psychotherapy and had raised her own two children with a supportive husband. But the old feelings came back like they happened yesterday.

This time, she was triggered by Barbara telling her she looked like she’d gained weight and had bags under her eyes. But Joanna didn’t react. She used the tools she’d learned and practiced to maintain calm and keep herself in the moment. She reminded herself that her mother was unhappy and was trying to take it out on her. Joanna wouldn’t accept the bait.

If you are caring for a difficult family member, here are a few pointers that made it easier for Joanna to manage her difficult mother:

1. Radical acceptance. Accept that your care receiver will not likely change. This is who she is, and that reflects on her, not on you. If she must criticize, you should anticipate it, see it as her externalizing of her pain, and let it go. She probably doesn’t see you as you are, but projects her disappointment and anger onto you.

   
   

2. You define your caregiving mission. You are choosing to provide care because it feels like the right thing to do. You are not doing it to win her gratitude or gain impossible-to-get approval. If you decide to change how much you will continue to care for her, that is a personal decision based on your needs; you have every right to make such a decision. Check in with yourself about how it’s going.

   
   

   

   
   

3. Take good care of yourself. Constant criticism and negative emotion will wear you down, even if you have good boundaries. Make sure you take breaks, do things with your family or friends, and find a therapist to talk to if needed. Don’t let the painful feelings build up inside you. You have to work hard to maintain your own sense of well-being. You are worth it.

   
   

4. Step back if it feels like too much. Know your boundaries. Bring in others to help you, whether family, friends, neighbors, or hired caregivers. Your mental and physical health are important.

Julia L. Mayer, Psy.D., and Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D. -