Hey Moms, It's Time to Stop People-Pleasing
- Lisa Sheinhouse, M.A.,
- Jun 23
- 3 min read
Personal Perspective: Start prioritizing your well-being by learning how to say "no."
Many moms don't prioritize their mental health, and that needs to change.
Moms of children with neurodivergence often experience chronic stress.
You can't pour from an empty cup. Put a stop to people pleasing and take care of yourself first.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It's also the month we celebrate Mother's Day. The combination of the two moments inspired me to write this article.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that many moms don't take care of their mental health. We sacrifice ourselves for our children, spouses, jobs, and extended families.
A recent Gallup poll of 60,000 mothers revealed a wide spectrum of emotions: Half reported feeling stressed, 41 percent experienced worry, 28 percent felt depressed, 26 percent reported sadness, and 19 percent expressed anger. Moms of children with disabilities or illnesses face even more unique challenges that often lead to stress and burnout. For example, several studies show that moms of adolescents and adults with autism experience chronic stress, resulting, at least one study found, in cortisol patterns similar to those seen in combat soldiers.* I can confirm that I see their stress in my line of work all the time.
My husband often tells me not to be a martyr, but that's who I am! And it doesn't stop with my children. I'll give up that last cookie if someone else wants it. I'll drive someone somewhere, even if it's an inconvenience. When someone asks for a favor, I say "sure," even when I'm crying inside. I may be exhausted and overwhelmed, but I never want to disappoint anyone.
A colleague of mine always reminds me of the airplane analogy. During the safety check, the crew says, should the oxygen masks come down, cover your face first and then cover the faces of the small children. If you don't care for yourself, you can't take care of others. It makes so much sense—you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Think about it: How many of us take the time to recharge our batteries? The problem is that many people, especially moms, are not great at saying no. I imagine many of you are like me—give, give, give, until nothing is left. And then, I admit, I melt down like a toddler in overload mode. I overreact to the dumbest thing because everything just piled on, and I can't take it anymore.
I take responsibility for my lack of communication; I don't always express my wants and needs. Realistically, I know that my husband and children aren't mind readers. And yet, I get frustrated when they don't know I'm tired or have too much on my plate, and I need a break to center myself.
If you're a people-pleasing mom like me, here are some helpful tips to preserve your mental health and sanity:
Communicate what you're feeling. No one knows what you want and need except you. Your family wants a happy mom; they want you to smile and not freak out. Help them help you. If your child is young, they don't need the ins and outs. However, if your child is older, it's a great lesson in mental health to say, "I'm so tired. Could you help me with X, and then we can grab your favorite pizza for dinner?"
Take a break. Give yourself a mommy time-out. They work for our children, and they will work for us, too. Take a deep breath when you need it and walk away from whatever disaster is happening around you. Whether you nap, read a book for 20 minutes, take a walk, or enjoy some chocolate or coffee, take time for yourself, and do something relaxing.
Learn the word "no" and use it! It’s OK to say no—it's a complete sentence. Often, we feel guilty for not answering a call we’re too tired to take or for not helping a neighbor out. But we also need to put ourselves first. A mom’s mental health shouldn't be at the bottom of her to-do list! Knowing we need a break shouldn’t provoke guilt (or shame).
This month, I challenge all moms to prioritize their well-being and learn the word "no." It's time to reclaim moments to lower stress levels and become better women, spouses, and parents all the time. We deserve it.
References
*Seltzer MM, Greenberg JS, Hong J, Smith LE, Almeida DM, Coe C, Stawski RS. Maternal cortisol levels and behavior problems in adolescents and adults with ASD. J Autism Dev Disord. 2010 Apr;40(4):457–469. doi: 10.1007/s10803-009-0887-0.
