How to Change Social Anxiety Into Excitement

Seeing dating and relationships as exciting opportunities vs. stressful threats.

• Anxiety is a bad feeling (negative valence) of urgency (high arousal) from situations we see as threatening.

• Calming down is hard because we must change both our valence (think positive) and arousal (relax) to do so.

• With only positive refocusing, however, anxious social situations can become exciting opportunities instead.

When we experience situations that are new, uncertain, or not under our control, we can feel anxious. As a result, we might even start imagining the worst, making it hard to think, focus, and perform. Unfortunately, social situations are often new and uncertain. Such situations are also circumstances where we’d like to think, focus, and perform at our best. So, what can we do?

To start, we need to understand that anxiety raises our energy (called high arousal) but also makes us feel bad (called negative valence). When we try to calm down, we attempt to change both of those things at the same time. We’re trying to relax (lower our arousal) and see things more positively (improve our valence). Doing both of those things at once can be a challenge, especially when we’re stressed in the first place.

Given that, what if we tried to just change one thing instead? Specifically, what if we got excited—keeping arousal high, but making our emotional valence more positive? Would that work? Let’s see what the research has to say…

Reappraising Anxiety as Excitement

A series of studies by Brooks (2014) tested this very idea. The author reasoned that both anxiety and excitement were very similar emotional states, helping to raise our energy level and anticipate future events in uncertain situations. Nevertheless, they differed in their valence (negative vs. positive), which changed how people thought about those uncertain situations (as threats vs. opportunities). Given the similar arousal level and motivation toward anticipating events, however, would it be possible to just switch the valence and reappraise anxiety as excitement instead?

Brooks (2014) explored that question in two experiments, by putting participants in surprise social situations, where they had to sing karaoke or give a speech in front of a stranger. Before performing, they were told to make self-statements of “I am excited” or “I am calm” out loud. Follow-up questions found that all performers were still somewhat anxious, but those who said they were excited out loud felt better and performed better. Singers sang better and felt more successful, while speakers were seen as more persuasive, competent, confident, and persistent, too.

Brooks (2014) conducted two more experiments to look for the underlying reason why this reappraisal of anxiety as excitement worked. This time, however, participants were instructed to “get excited” or “try and remain calm,” as they took what was labeled as a “difficult IQ test” of math problems. Here again, those who focused on getting excited performed better and felt more efficacious. In addition, the study results indicated that getting excited also helped participants adopt an opportunity mindset (as opposed to a threat mindset). Put simply, getting excited helped participants identify the positive possibilities and options in the situation, rather than getting bogged down on the negative risks and hazards.

Getting Excited for Opportunities

Given those results, it appears that getting excited can help make anxiety provoking situations feel less threatening and intimidating. In turn, the positive focus that comes from excitement can improve confidence, performance, and even persuasiveness. Taken together, those factors can put us in an opportunity mindset, where we can better enjoy social interactions and intellectual challenges too.

Overall, we feel, think, and perform better when we’re excited, because it changes our perspective. Much of the time, however, negative thinking and worrying about risks is our default human mindset (known as loss aversion). Thus, we can improve our decision-making by including other perspectives. Getting excited gives us that new perspective—a positive one. So, we can see the opportunities and benefits, rather than just the risks and costs. With a date or mate, that means we can focus on mutual attraction, compatibility, and fun!

Other research supports this type of positive refocusing as well. For example, in my book Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022), I discuss how focusing on being curious can help reduce anxiety in dating and social situations, too. Much like excitement, curiosity also improves our perspective, opening us up to see more opportunities and possibilities. So, putting those two mindsets together might be particularly helpful in romantic and social interactions.

In fact, much of the fun of dating and relating comes from being curious and excited, enjoying the positive opportunities and experiences that social interactions bring into your life. Beyond that, exciting and arousing activities can create attraction between yourself and your date or mate as well. So, get excited, stay curious about the positive possibilities, and enjoy your social life. If you do, then you might find you’re more attractive, arousing, and persuasive than you think, too!

Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. - Website - Blog -

References

Nicholson, J. S. (2022). Attraction Psychology: Solutions for Successful Dating and Relationships.

Brooks, A. W. (2014). Get excited: Reappraising pre-performance anxiety as excitement. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(3), 1144–1158.