Redefining Success in the Fertility Treatment Journey
- S. Fenella Das Gupta Ph.D., MFT
- Jul 7
- 3 min read
Shifting perspective when fertility treatment outcomes don’t match your effort.
Society often links effort directly with success, deeming efforts wasted if outcomes don't match expectations.
Fertility journeys require a unique emotional resilience, making effort meaningful regardless of results.
True courage could simply involve giving yourself permission to rest and honor the worth of your actions.
Jemma sat quietly on her couch, wrapped in a blanket. Outside, the city continued its restless hum, indifferent to the quiet stillness within her apartment. Her phone rested in her hand, displaying a message from her therapist: "I want you to rest. Take some time to write out all the things you did right, all the steps you've taken in your fertility journey. I know this is contradictory to the outside world and results right now."
Jemma sighed deeply, feeling the full contradiction between those supportive words and the stark reality of her recent failed embryo cycle. How could she think or feel successful when her body had refused to cooperate yet again?
Listing the Steps
Despite her skepticism and her natural urge to turbocharge ahead, Jemma picked up a notebook and pen, realizing she needed to slow down. She began to write hesitantly, carefully listing each step. First came the courage to decide she wanted children—a decision she never found easy. Then the medical consultations, where she learned medical terms she couldn't pronounce and faced vulnerability as strangers examined her.
She noted managing her Hashimoto’s through nutrition, diligently maintaining a gluten-free and dairy-free diet, exercising consistently despite limited visible results, and staying committed to her medication and endocrinologist appointments. She had carefully adopted a non-toxic lifestyle—from beauty products to household items—and significantly reduced alcohol consumption.
She listed countless acupuncture sessions, daily Celluma treatments, and comprehensive supplement routines. She documented significant medical efforts: laparoscopy, platelet-rich plasma treatments, and numerous fertility-related flights around the country. Jemma also faced emotional struggles, including her sister declining to donate eggs and experiencing a failed donor cycle after extensive emotional and logistical preparation. Finally, she noted daily sacrifices such as missing work, canceled plans, and challenges navigating holidays and events.
Challenging Society’s Message
Although the results hadn't matched her dedicated efforts, Jemma felt profoundly validated recognizing each challenging step she had navigated. Society typically links effort directly with success, deeming efforts wasted if outcomes don't match expectations. However, fertility journeys require a unique kind of emotional resilience, making effort meaningful regardless of results. Looking at her extensive list, she began to see her story as one of perseverance and deep commitment rather than failure.
Her phone buzzed, interrupting her thoughts. A message appeared from a friend checking if she was OK. Jemma hesitated, then typed honestly: "It’s tough. But I’m seeing I've done more right than I realized."
A Shift in Perspective
She glanced around the room, now recognizing signs of courage rather than defeat. Fertility books stacked neatly, carefully organized vitamins, and even the tiny injection marks—all silent proof of her strength.
Perhaps the world measured success by results, but real bravery might mean acknowledging your efforts regardless of outcomes. True courage could simply involve giving yourself permission to rest and honor the worth of your actions.
Jemma recalled how her therapist often spoke of identity collapse versus identity expansion, terms she'd initially resisted but suddenly understood clearly. Identity collapse was exactly what she'd been experiencing—her sense of self shrinking each time fertility treatments failed, leaving her feeling defined solely by loss and inadequacy. Identity expansion meant gently recognizing that each painful step was reshaping her, broadening her resilience, deepening her empathy, and enriching her understanding of who she was beyond motherhood alone. Perhaps success wasn't about becoming the person she'd planned to be, but embracing the more complex, compassionate woman her experiences had shaped.
In this gentle acknowledgment, Jemma found peace. The cycle had not succeeded, but she had not failed.
