Reframing How We Refer to Victims of Abuse
- Kaytee Gillis, LCSW
- Oct 31
- 3 min read
Decreasing use of victim-blaming language for survivors of abuse.
The language we use to refer to victims of abuse often fails to account for the trauma they have experienced.
Many survivors of abuse develop certain coping strategies to survive and navigate their environment.
Reframing can create a more compassionate approach to supporting those who have been through trauma and abuse.
“Attention-seeking.”
“Daddy issues.”
“Abandonment issues.”
“Codependent.”
These are just a few of the labels casually thrown around to refer to survivors of abuse—especially women and gender-diverse people. On the surface, they may seem like personality traits or pop-psychology diagnoses. But in reality, the language we use to refer to victims of abuse often fails to account for the trauma survivors may have experienced trauma that led to the development of these behaviors that were, at one time, necessary for their survival.
Labeling can be blaming
Trauma from abuse in families and relationships can impact one's ability to self-regulate or cope in healthy ways. Many survivors of violent and abusive homes were not given examples of healthy relational interactions. Therefore, many of these behaviors are developed as learned survival mechanisms: as coping strategies that help them feel safe.
When we label these individuals negatively, we reinforce harmful stereotypes and miss the opportunity to support and understand what led to them in the first place. Instead of using labels that pathologize and victim-blame, it's more constructive to understand these behaviors as responses to trauma.
Many trauma responses are learned survival responses
Many survivors of abuse develop certain coping strategies to survive and navigate their environment. These survival responses are developed as a means of seeking safety or emotional support.
Some of the common terms used are actually survival mechanisms developed for protection. Here are some common examples:
Codependency: Often misunderstood as unhealthy dependence, codependent behaviors usually form in environments where emotional needs were consistently dismissed or punished. In such situations, the child may learn that their role is to take care of others emotionally—especially caregivers—to avoid conflict, gain approval, or maintain some semblance of stability.
As a form of survival and protection, Tiffany learned to anticipate her mother's moods. If she could anticipate her moods and therefore act to meet her needs, she could avoid conflict as a way to stay safe and prevent further trauma or abuse. In adulthood, she still acts in these ways, constantly worrying about her partner's moods and needs as a way to keep the peace.
Attention seeking: Similar to codependency, "attention-seeking" behaviors may be an attempt to connect with others, especially for children who did not experience a safe relationship with adults in their home. This label is frequently used to shame children and adults for expressing distress or trying to get their needs met, especially in school environments. If caregivers were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or neglectful, seeking attention becomes a way to ensure someone notices them. Human beings need attention and support to survive. This is why many mental health professionals refer to this behavior as "connection seeking."
Ben grew up in an emotionally unavailable or neglectful home and quickly learned that dramatic and negative behavior was the only way to be seen or heard. As a result, he acted out in school, frequently getting in trouble. As an adult, his nervous system still associates attention from others as positive, and reports feeling anxious when he is ignored or feels unseen.
Abandonment issues: Sometimes referred to as "daddy issues," "abandonment issues" usually stem from real experiences of emotional or physical neglect. A child who is repeatedly left—either literally or emotionally—may develop a deep fear that anyone they grow close to will eventually leave them, too. This can come out in the survivor's relationships with others, where being hyper-aware of others’ behaviors and actions becomes a way to protect themselves against real or perceived abandonment.
Sean was abandoned as a young adolescent after coming out to his parents. As a result, he often clings to relationships in a desperate attempt to avoid the pain of being alone and abandoned again.
Using more trauma-informed language can help
We should shift the language we use to one that is empathetic and trauma-informed, acknowledging that victims of trauma may exhibit certain behaviors as part of their coping mechanisms, rather than viewing them as personality flaws. Moving away from pathologizing language can help challenge stigma and promote better care and support systems for survivors.
References
Irwin HJ. (1995). Codependence, narcissism, and childhood trauma. J Clin Psychol. 151(5):658–665.
Załuska, M., Kossowska-Lubowicka, A., Traczewska, Z., Kszczotek, M., Zaniewska-Chłopik, U., & Poświata, E. (2011). Codependency, traumatic experiences and the symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in hospitalized and non hospitalized women from alcoholic families. European Psychiatry, 26(S2), 130. doi:10.1016/S0924-9338(11)71841-7
