The 6 Most Common Parenting Conflicts and How to Solve Them
- Jen Lumanlan M.S., M.Ed
- Oct 13
- 5 min read
Move from arguments to productive conversations about raising your children.
Parents may argue about parenting due to different childhood experiences, stress, and parenting philosophies.
Parenting arguments get stuck because of the "Four Horsemen" communication patterns.
Help everyone regulate first, validate feelings, and offer simple solutions that respect both parents.
Do you and your partner have the same fights over and over about parenting? Maybe one of you wants a more intentional approach while the other trusts their intuition. Or perhaps you clash over discipline, screen time, or bedtime routines.
These conflicts might sound familiar:
You: "I wish you wouldn't yell at the kids."
Partner: "I don't yell at them as much as you do!" or "Yeah, because you're such a perfect parent with all your reading and podcasts..."
Maybe you don't even bring up these topics anymore because they're too triggering, leaving you in uneasy silence.
If you're nodding, you're definitely not alone. In this post, we'll examine why parents argue, common disagreement areas, and strategies to work through these challenges together. The goal isn't to eliminate disagreements but to handle differences in ways that strengthen your relationship and model healthy conflict resolution for your children.
Why do parents argue about parenting?
Different childhood experiences shape expectations. How we were raised strongly influences our parenting beliefs. If you grew up in a strict household while your partner was raised to express opinions freely, you might disagree about children's roles in family decisions. These effects intensify when either parent has experienced childhood trauma, which can influence how they respond to their child's challenging behavior.
Stress amplifies parenting tensions. When parents are exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed, small differences can quickly escalate. Sleep deprivation with a new baby or financial pressure can turn minor disagreements into major conflicts.
Parenting philosophies often clash. Some parents value structure and clear rules, while others emphasize freedom and child autonomy. These fundamental differences in approach can create friction in everyday decisions.
6 common parenting disagreements
Managing children's digital device use: Screen time has become a major source of parenting conflict. One parent might view technology as educational and necessary for the future, while the other worries about compulsive use and social development impacts. Both might want their child to transition from screens without meltdowns but disagree on methods.
Bedtime boundaries: Parents frequently clash over bedtime enforcement, weekend exceptions, routine length, and handling resistance and night wakings.
Food and nutrition concerns: Food choices often cause disagreements between parents. One parent might allow occasional treats while another maintains stricter nutritional standards. Food disagreements often feel intense because they touch on deep values around health, cultural traditions, and childhood memories. Parents may disagree about trying new foods, handling picky eating, using food as rewards, balancing nutrition at social events, and sugar consumption.
Homework and academic expectations: Different definitions of success can lead to disagreements about homework help, academic pressure, and balancing achievement with enjoyment. These differences often reflect parents' cultural backgrounds and personal academic experiences.
Discipline approaches: Discipline disagreements touch our deepest values and trigger strong emotions. Parents frequently argue about physical punishment, handling tantrums, when to enforce consequences versus show leniency, and whether to use rewards and incentives. When parents disagree on discipline, children quickly learn to play one against the other, undermining authority and creating confusion about boundaries.
Conflicting parenting styles: Parenting styles reflect our core beliefs about raising children, and disagreements can turn everyday decisions into conflicts. According to Diana Baumrind, the four main parenting styles are authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved. When partners use different styles, conflict often follows, though these four categories aren't our only options, despite their popularity.
Why do we get stuck in the same arguments?
According to John and Julie Gottman, four communication patterns make resolution impossible. They call these the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse":
Criticism: Attacking character rather than addressing specific behaviors ("You always..." or "You never...")
Defensiveness: Protecting yourself when criticized ("I let him have screen time because I needed to make dinner!")
Contempt: Showing disrespect through sarcasm, name-calling, or eye-rolling
Stonewalling: Withdrawing completely from the conversation
Most arguments begin with criticism, triggering defensiveness, which may escalate to contempt or stonewalling, leaving everyone feeling discouraged and hopeless.
How to resolve parenting arguments
Strategy 1: Manage "in the moment" conflicts.
When your partner disciplines in a way that concerns you, try:
Help everyone regulate first: Move closer, perhaps placing a hand on your partner's shoulder to help de-escalate.
Validate feelings all around: "It sounds like you're frustrated about the toys not being picked up" (to partner) and "It seems like you weren't ready to stop your game" (to child).
Offer a simple solution: "What if we set a timer for five minutes to finish the game and then clean up together?"
Strategy 2: Focus on feelings and needs, not judgments.
Instead of "I feel like you're not taking parenting seriously," try "When we disagree about discipline, I feel worried because I need consistency in how we respond to challenging behaviors."
Strategy 3: Use the validation ladder.
Practice different levels of validation:
Be present with full attention.
Accurately reflect what you heard.
Contextualize or equalize their experience.
Make a proposal about their feelings.
Express genuine empathy.
Take action to support them next time.
Strategy 4: Listen to understand, not to respond.
Give full attention, reflect back what you heard, and validate their perspective, even when you disagree.
Strategy 5: Take breaks when needed.
If either of you becomes too emotionally activated, take a 20-minute break before continuing the conversation.
Strategy 6: Create a culture of appreciation.
Regularly express appreciation for what your partner does well in parenting and other areas. This builds goodwill and counters contempt.
Strategy 7: Build a support system.
Parenting books, classes, family therapy, or a community of trusted parents can provide valuable perspective when disagreements become entrenched.
Strategy 8: Remember you're on the same team.
Despite differences, remember that you both want what's best for your children. Approach disagreements as teammates with different perspectives, not opponents.
Final thoughts
The goal isn't to solve every parenting disagreement but to discuss differences without major conflict. Try different approaches, evaluate results, and adjust as needed.
Even the most compatible parents disagree sometimes. The difference between struggling and thriving couples isn't the absence of conflict—it's how they navigate it together.
What parenting disagreement would you like to approach differently with your partner?
References
Lumanlan, J. Parenting Membership. Your Parenting Mojo.
Greene, C. A., Haisley, L., Wallace, C., & Ford, J. D. (2020, July 23). Intergenerational effects of childhood maltreatment: A systematic review of the parenting practices of adult survivors of childhood abuse, neglect, and violence. Clinical Psychology Review.
Durtschi, J. A., Soloski, K. L., & Kimmes, J. (2017). The Dyadic Effects of Supportive Coparenting and Parental Stress on Relationship Quality Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(2), 308–321.
Gallagher-Squires, C., Isaacs, A., Reynolds, C., & Coleman, P. C. (2023). Snacking practices from infancy to adolescence: parental perspectives from longitudinal lived experience research in England. Proceedings of the Nutrition Society, 1–9. doi:10.1017/S0029665123003592
Lumanlan, J. (2025, April 20). Parent Conflict Over Discipline: How to Get on the Same Page. Your Parenting Mojo.
Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907.
Gottman, J.M., Cole, C., Cole, D.L. (2019). Four Horsemen in Couple and Family Therapy. In: Lebow, J.L., Chambers, A.L., Breunlin, D.C. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham.
Lumanlan, J. (2024, April 14). How to get on the same page as your parenting partner. Your Parenting Mojo.
