What Kind of Person Do You Want Your Child to Become?

Love your child for who they are today, but think about tomorrow too.

Key points

• Each parent has different values and goals for their child.

• You can't make your child happy or confident, but you can help them to achieve those goals for themselves.

• Goals like kindness, optimism, and integrity can be nurtured, but not necessarily how you think.

• Good parenting means helping your child gain the tools they need to make a good life.

Each of us has our own ideas of what it means to live a good life. These ideas are influenced by our personality, values, culture, education, and life experience.

That means that each of us who are parents has unique goals for our children, which means we also need to find our own unique approach to parenting that takes those goals into account.

Some Possible Goals for Your Child

It helps you be the parent you want to be if you think consciously about your long-term goals for your child, and use those goals to guide you in your lived priorities, day by day. This is true from your child’s birth and well into their adulthood.

Here are some common goals parents might have for their children.

1. You want your child to be happy. Your responsibility is to give your child what they need to make their own happiness, but they have to take it from there. Do what you can to find your own happiness, and don’t try to take over your child’s responsibility for their own happiness.

   
   

2. You want your child to be kind and empathetic. Some people are genetically more empathetic than others, but everyone can learn to act with kindness and empathy. Talk to your child about your feelings, and help them attune to their own. Help them learn to regulate their own emotions and behaviors in ways that take others’ feelings into account.

   
   

3. You want your child to be optimistic. Encourage an attitude of gratitude, and your child is likely to be more positive and optimistic, as well as more energetic, enthusiastic, empathetic, resilient, and mindful.

   
   

4. You want your child to be honest. Support your child in understanding how honesty and integrity are better choices than lying, cheating, or stealing. If your child behaves dishonestly, focus on your connection with your child, not on the lie, the cheating, or the theft. Help your child learn that trust, openness, and respect feel a lot better than getting away with stuff or having new things.

   
   

5. You want your child to be responsible. Give your child as much age-appropriate responsibility as you can, as early as you can. Household chores are a great way to do that. Chores not only help your child become responsible, but also lead to increased competence, confidence, resiliency, pride, and family connection.

   
   

6. You want your child to be resilient. It’s obvious how some of the goals described here (think positivity or responsibility) support your child in becoming resilient. You may not realize, however, that daydreaming, unstructured play, outdoor discovery, and creative exploration also help you in your goal of raising a resilient child.

   

7. You want your child to be healthy, strong, and fit. Aiming for good health means ensuring your child experiences good nutrition, enough sleep, and lots of exercise and outdoor play. It also means you eating and sleeping well, in addition to getting exercise and spending time outdoors yourself.

   
   

8. You want your child to be intelligent. A curious, well-developed, and well-disciplined mind is an advantage in most activities, from school to work to relationships. Raising intelligent kids is simpler and more basic than many parents realize. It's not about buying expensive toys, providing challenging academic activities starting in infancy, or sending your child to an expensive school. Quite the reverse—it's all about taking good care of yourself, and slowing down so you can be loving and present.

   
   

9. You want your child to be creative. Children who learn to be creative have a stronger sense of well-being, are less anxious, more resilient, and have stronger immune systems. Creativity begins when your child finds something that engages their interest, so pay attention to your child’s curiosities and enthusiasms, and support them in developing those interests into abilities.

   
   

10. You want your child to be confident. Your child’s confidence is built on experiences of competence in areas they both value and find challenging. Encourage your child to welcome difficulties as opportunities for learning, not as insurmountable obstacles. Be positive about your child’s strengths—especially persistence in the face of challenges and failures—but resist any temptation you might have to praise too easily or too often.

    
    

11. You want your child to have good relationships. Living happily with others is a skill that will enhance every dimension of your child's life going forward. Model how to show respect to family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. Listen to your child when they describe problems with others, and get help if those problems persist.

    
    

12. You want your child to be successful in their career. Do what you can toward all these other goals, and you’re doing all you can to support your child’s successful engagement in all the challenges life brings, including building a successful career.

What’s most important is that you love your child just the way they are. It’s also important, though, to be mindful of the adult they’re in the process of becoming, so you can support them in creating the life they want. Think about your priorities, and emphasize what matters most, day by day.

Dona Matthews Ph.D. - website