When Anger Is Expressed as Infidelity
- Jason Shimiaie M.D.
- Oct 3
- 4 min read
Cheating can often be an expression of unspoken feelings.
Infidelity, an ultimate betrayal, may sometimes be an effort at nonverbal communication.
Cheating may be an expression of aggression or anger that cannot be put into words.
Acting out instead of speaking up often backfires and leads to pain on all sides.
Infidelity is one of the most painful breaches of trust in a relationship. Often dismissed as an act of lust or selfishness, there is usually a deeper emotional issue at play: cheating as a form of aggression and punishment. It is a way of acting out unexpressed anger, asserting control, or devaluing and diminishing their partner. This perspective helps us unpack the complex emotions and motivations underlying infidelity, especially where shame and dissociation play a significant role.
The Aggressive Undertone of Cheating
For some, infidelity is not about seeking connection outside of the relationship. It can be an immature, action-oriented form of communication—a way to say “I’m hurt” or “I’m angry” without using words. This passive-aggressive act bypasses direct confrontation and communication that may be challenging or inaccessible in favor of actions that seem like they speak louder than words, but unfortunately, wound far deeper.
Many cheaters report feeling devalued, ignored, or lonely in their relationship, and in turn, they cheat as a way to take revenge on their partner. This devaluation may not always be a conscious choice, but it reflects an attempt to rebalance power or seek revenge for perceived slights. Infidelity may also be about punishing or dominating a partner—sending a message of dissatisfaction, resentment, or unmet needs. Unfortunately, this method of communication is inherently destructive, bypassing any opportunity for resolution and often creating a breach of trust that is difficult, if not impossible, to repair.
The Role of Shame and Dissociation
Shame often intermingles with the decision to cheat. A cheater may feel inadequate, unloved, or unseen in their relationship. Where there is shame, there is often dissociation. Dissociation, in psychological terms, involves a disconnection from one’s emotions, thoughts, or sense of self. When someone dissociates, they may act impulsively or in ways that feel disconnected from their usual values and behavior.
During the act of cheating, dissociation can make it easier to rationalize or compartmentalize the betrayal. The cheater may convince themselves that their actions are justified or that they can maintain emotional distance from their infidelity. However, coping by disconnecting like this often crumbles when the betrayal is revealed, leaving both partners to confront a tangled web of emotions.
A Point of No Return?
One of the tragic realities of cheating on a partner is that it often marks a one-way turning point in a relationship. Cheaters may underestimate the gravity of their actions, losing sight of the fact that cheating can irrevocably damage trust. They may view their behavior as a temporary escape or a cry for help, failing to anticipate the profound consequences it will have on their partner and the relationship as a whole.
For the betrayed partner, being cheated on can shatter their sense of security and self-worth. For the cheater, the act often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and regret. The pain and betrayal cut deep, making it difficult for both parties to envision a path forward. Yet, healing is possible, albeit difficult.
The Path to Healing: Forgiveness and Atonement
Repairing a relationship after infidelity requires immense effort and emotional labor from both partners. Healing begins with acknowledgment and accountability. The cheater must take full responsibility for their actions, not only apologizing but also examining why they chose to cheat instead of addressing their feelings earlier. This involves moving beyond shame and engaging in open, honest communication.
The betrayed partner, if they choose to stay, must also embark on their own journey of healing. This includes processing their pain, rebuilding their sense of self-worth, and deciding whether forgiveness is possible. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning the behavior; rather, it involves releasing the grip of anger and resentment to make space for potential repair.
In some cases, the betrayed partner’s actions may have played a role in the dynamics that led to infidelity. The partner who committed the infidelity may have experienced some form of emotional neglect or feel they failed in their own attempts at resolving problems in the relationship. If this is relevant, it is crucial to approach these issues with compassion and a willingness to listen. This does not excuse the cheating but recognizes that relational wounds are often complicated and multilayered. In this way, the betrayed partner may have to play a role in seeking their own forgiveness. It can feel easy for the betrayed partner to feel like they have nothing to apologize for, but this attitude can serve to propagate the underlying relationship issues rather than resolve them.
Moving Forward: Building a Stronger Foundation
Couples who successfully rebuild after infidelity may find that their relationship becomes stronger than before. This requires both partners to commit to ongoing communication, vulnerability, and mutual support. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this process, providing a safe space to explore underlying issues and develop healthier patterns of relating.
While infidelity may feel like the ultimate betrayal, it is not always the end of the road. For those willing to confront their pain and do the hard work of healing, it can be an opportunity for growth, understanding, and transformation.
