Why Parental Divorce Is a Trauma for Children of All Ages

Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, and Bruce R. Fredenburg, M.S., LMFT
3 minutes ago
3 min read

Divorce can forever alter the emotional lives of minor and adult children.

Divorce impacts the emotional security, trust, and future relationships of minor and adult children.
Minor and adult children alike can carry hidden wounds from parental divorce for years.
For all ages, healing from divorce requires time, validation, and trauma-informed support.

A common view of divorce is that it is a fresh start for the adults involved and a step toward a healthier or more peaceful life. But for young and grown children alike, divorce isn't just the end of their parents' marriage. It's a loss that permanently reshapes their emotional lives, trust, identity, and relationships.

The Emotional Impact on Minor Children

When parent's divorce while children are still minors, there are many losses and emotional uncertainty. Children lose the daily structure and sense of safety they once had in a two-parent household. They may struggle with guilt, confusion, fear, and the belief that they are somehow to blame.

Children's brains are still developing, including the parts that regulate emotion and process complex experiences. They may not have the tools to express or even understand their feelings. Changing homes, schools, or routines can add even more stress, increasing the sense of instability.

Research classifies divorce as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE), meaning it can affect a child's emotional development and physical health across their lifetime. Parental divorce can increase the risks of anxiety, depression, academic struggles, behavior problems, and difficulty trusting others. While emotional support and therapy can help, the emotional wounds often linger.

The Often-Overlooked Impact on Adult Children

It's a common myth that when parents' divorce and their children are adults, it doesn't significantly affect them. While they may not experience the same practical disruptions as younger children, the emotional toll can be as profound.

Adult children may question the foundation of their family history and wonder what was real and what was a facade. They may feel betrayed or disillusioned, and this emotional upset can impact their sense of identity and trust in relationships.

They may become embroiled in their parents' conflict and asked to mediate or emotionally support one or both parents, which can feel inappropriate and overwhelming. Adult children may take on logistical roles like helping a parent move, rearranging family holidays, or caring for younger siblings while managing their feelings of loss.

Unlike minors, adult children don't usually receive societal or professional support. Family members and friends may dismiss their grief with comments like, "At least you're an adult now," leaving them to deal with their emotions alone.

Divorce Can Leave Long-Term Emotional Scars

Whether children are young or grown, the emotional effects of divorce don't end with the signing of the paperwork. Many children carry the emotional weight of their parents' divorce into their romantic relationships. They may struggle with commitment, fear conflict, or worry about repeating their parents' patterns.

Family events like birthdays, weddings, and holidays can become emotionally charged or contentious without unified parental support. If infidelity, lengthy court battles, or ongoing conflict were present, the emotional damage could be more profound and more difficult to heal.

Healing Takes Time, Support, and Intention

Divorce may be necessary and even beneficial for the adults involved, but that doesn't erase the emotional needs of their children, regardless of their age.

Acknowledging the grief and validating the pain children of all ages experience during and after divorce is a critical first step. Healing may include therapy, open and honest communication, and setting healthy boundaries.

We must abandon the idea that parental divorce is only a temporary disruption. For minor and adult children, it's a turning point creating ripple effects lasting for years.

Parental divorce isn't just a legal event. It's a profound emotional experience that can disrupt and reshape the lives of children at any age. Minor children may experience immediate emotional upheaval, while adult children often face complex, hidden pain and grief. All children experiencing parental divorce deserve recognition, support, and understanding.

By acknowledging the lasting impact of divorce and offering compassionate, trauma-informed care, we can help children, young and grown, heal and move forward with resilience and hope.

Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, and Bruce R. Fredenburg, M.S., LMFT, - Website - Blog - Book -