Will Donor Conception Worries Ever Resolve?
- Lisa Schuman, LCSW,
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
Parents' insights into acceptance and emotional growth.
Fears about donor conception typically fade.
Embracing donor conception and parenthood often comes with time.
Creating a narritive that feels right for you can be comforting.
Donor conception will not always be the focal point of your parenting concerns.
Using the genetics of someone you don’t know to help you build one of the most intimate relationships in your life can be very difficult. It can generate feelings of loss, worry about being accepted by others, fear of others not accepting your children, concerns about bonding, and more. These feelings do not need to be resolved to parent. They need to be accepted, and they often need time.
Upsetting feelings may arise
Your child may not look like you, act like you, or have your same IQ or talents. When you or others notice these differences, it may cause upset.
If you, or others, notice similarities between you and your child, you may also be reminded that there is no genetic connection.
It may be stressful to have medical questions that cannot be answered.
Family gatherings may highlight genetic differences.
Your child may experience a different type of adolescence than you did.
When your child begins dating, you may become hyperaware of the peers whose parents also used sperm or egg donation.
When your child spontaneously asks a question about their donor, you may feel caught off guard.
If your partner is the genetically linked parent, you may have moments of jealousy.
These experiences are normal, but they do not need to be problematic.
The most important upsides
If your early feelings ranged in intensity from 1-5, with 1. being the least upsetting to 5. being the most upsetting, and you have experienced 4-5 often, you will be glad to know that these feelings will likely decrease, maybe even to a 1 or 0 over time.
While there may be moments of sadness throughout your parenting experience, those occasions will also diminish in number. Once you address the hurdles of disclosing to your child, get your footing on what feels right to you regarding disclosing to others, and your friends and family members become accustomed to the concept of donor conception, the subject will arise less frequently in your life.
Using the assistance of a donor to build your family can feel threatening. It can feel like there is a ghost in your family that you wish wasn’t there. It can make you fear that you will be less of a parent. When you become a parent, that changes. As you bond with your child and experience all the joys and difficulties of parenthood, you will likely feel a greater sense of ownership over your new role, and the threat subsides. This new confidence often also gives rise to a greater appreciation for the donor.
You will be busy living your dream. Whether it is being a soccer coach, watching your child’s ballet recital, tearing up at their kindergarten graduation, or just reading them a book at bedtime, your life will be filled with joyous moments. You don’t need to forget the donor and the gift they gave you, but you will now be consumed with the details of your life and the beautiful new job of parenthood.
What you can do now
Create a narrative for your child. Practice it and discuss it with your partner, your friends, and your family. Modify it until it feels comfortable.
Talk to your partner, if you have one, about how much of your story you would like to share with others.
Accept that your feelings will likely change over time.
Focus on evidence-based information.
Remember that you do not need to make your feelings disappear. As you practice your narrative and live your new life, donor conception will become part of your story, not the focus of your story.
