Search Results

How to heal emotionally after a devastating natural disaster. Acknowledge and validate your survivor's guilt; it’s a natural response to devastating events. Taking action by volunteering, donating, or supporting other channels guilt into positive help. Prioritize self-care, practice self-compassion, and reconnect with daily routines for emotional healing. Seek professional help if survivor's guilt becomes overwhelming or affects your daily life and well-being. In the aftermath of a devastating hurricane like Helene or Milton, the wreckage is not only physical—there's emotional damage, too. If you've survived while others around you have lost their homes, their livelihoods, or even their lives, you might experience a wave of conflicting emotions. I did. I survived Helene, grateful a large tree pummeled our garage instead of our bedroom. One of the most powerful and insidious emotions is survivor's guilt. It's a feeling that says, why them and not me? It’s as if, in surviving, you've inherited a burden—a deep, painful responsibility to those who didn’t make it. Survivor’s guilt isn’t unusual, but it is deeply personal and often misunderstood. Even if you haven't been directly hurt, witnessing others’ suffering can bring the complex mix of emotions to the surface. And if you’re reading this, you might be grappling with that very guilt, wondering how to manage it. Here are four ways to begin coping with survivor's guilt after a hurricane or other natural disaster: Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings One of the first steps in addressing survivor’s guilt is acknowledging it. Your feelings are valid. You may experience emotions ranging from helplessness and sadness to shame and anger , and it's important to give yourself permission to feel them. Often, we suppress our emotions to get through the immediate crisis. Once the storm passes, we might feel as though we’re expected to just move on. However, your emotional response is just as real as any physical injury or loss. Survivor’s guilt thrives in silence. Speaking up—whether to a therapist, loved one, or even in a journal—can help diffuse the intensity of your feelings. You don’t need to keep it all inside. The guilt has its source in empathy. You care about others, and feeling guilty is part of human compassion. Recognize that your survival is not something to be ashamed of. One helpful exercise is to label the emotions as they come. The act of naming the feelings out loud or writing them down can reduce their overwhelming weight. Take Action to Help Others One of the most powerful antidotes to guilt is action. While you can't change the fact that you survived, you can contribute to the healing process of others. Helping your community in the aftermath of a hurricane can provide a sense of purpose, which can begin to ease survivor’s guilt. Personally, I immediately got into action volunteering to raise money for a group of artists who lost their studios, their art supplies, and their livelihoods for the foreseeable future. There are many ways to get involved, from volunteering with local organizations to donating supplies. Sometimes, just being there for others—whether family , friends, or even strangers—can make an enormous impact. Listening and validating the emotions of those who suffered major losses can be just as valuable as any material support. Focus on Healing Yourself, Too Survivor's guilt can lead to neglecting your own needs because you feel others are more deserving of help. But your pain, even if less visible, still matters. Healing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential. You can give back to others only when you’ve taken steps to care for yourself. Practice self-compassion and reconnect with small routines. Seek professional support if your guilt becomes overwhelming or affects your daily life. Therapy can offer tools for processing your emotions and finding ways to cope effectively. Reconnect with Routine After a disaster, your normal life is often upended. One way to regain your footing is by reestablishing small routines—whether it’s going for a morning walk, making a cup of tea, or spending quiet time meditating. Routines help ground you and remind you that life, while changed, continues. A Final Thought: Your Survival Is Not a Burden Survivor’s guilt can make it hard to see your survival as a gift, but by helping others and caring for yourself, you can begin to shift from guilt to gratitude. You don’t have to cope alone. Healing is a community effort, and, together, we can weather any storm. Michelle Tennant Nicholson, M.A., - Website - Blog -

Building and maintaining strong relationships is a fundamental aspect of human life. Whether with family, friends, or romantic partners, robust connections can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment. In the pursuit of deeper understanding and connection, many people turn to relationship therapy as a valuable resource. In this post, we will explore effective tools for strengthening relationships and delve into specific relationship therapy techniques that can help you foster a closer bond with your loved ones. Importance of Relationship Therapy Understanding what drives relationships and what makes them thrive is crucial for anyone seeking to improve their connections. Relationship therapy provides a safe space for individuals and couples to discuss their feelings and thoughts openly. Trained therapists can guide conversations, helping partners express themselves in ways that promote understanding and empathy. Statistics show that approximately 70% of couples who undergo therapy report feeling more satisfied in their relationships afterward. This is a testament to the effectiveness of professional guidance in addressing conflicts and miscommunications. Beyond just resolving issues, relationship therapy encourages healthier patterns of communication and interaction. Key Tools in Relationship Therapy There are several tools used in relationship therapy to help couples navigate their challenges. These tools are designed to bring about deeper connections and help partners understand each other better. Below are some essential tools that you may find helpful: 1. Communication Exercises Clear communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Relationship therapy emphasizes techniques that foster open dialogue. For instance, "I" statements encourage expressing feelings without assigning blame. Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," partners learn to say, "I feel unheard when we don't talk." This shift helps to reduce defensiveness and encourages openness. A setup that encourages open dialogue in therapy sessions. 2. Active Listening Techniques Active listening is about fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what the other person says. Therapists often guide couples through exercises that enhance their listening skills. One method is summarizing what the other person has said to ensure clarity. This practice confirms that both partners are on the same page and values each other's perspectives. 3. Emotional Check-Ins Relationship therapy encourages regular emotional check-ins, where partners ask each other how they feel weekly or bi-weekly. This practice can prevent feelings of neglect from building up and fosters a culture of understanding and care. Healthy check-in questions include: What made you feel loved this week? Was there a moment when you felt disconnected? 4. Conflict Resolution Strategies Every relationship will encounter disagreements. Relationship therapy helps couples develop strategies for resolving conflicts without causing harm to each other. One effective approach is creating a "time-out" plan during heated discussions, which allows both partners to cool down before addressing the issue at hand. This prevents hurtful words or actions that may escalate conflicts. 5. Shared Activities and Rituals Creating shared experiences strengthens bonds. Therapists often recommend couples engage in activities they both enjoy, whether it's cooking, hiking, or attending a class together. Establishing rituals, such as weekly date nights, can enhance connection and ensure time is dedicated solely to nurturing the relationship. What are the 9 steps of emotionally focused couples therapy? Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is a structured approach for helping couples understand and improve their emotional responses. It consists of nine distinct steps that guide partners through emotional exploration and relationship enhancement. They include: Assessment of Attachment : Understanding how individuals perceive their relationship. Understanding Negative Cycles : Identifying patterns that lead to conflict. Restructuring Interactions : Encouraging new, supportive interactions. Fostering Emotional Engagement : Promoting vulnerability by expressing fears and needs. Creating Shared Meaning : Helping partners create a shared vision for the future. Addressing Identified Issues : Tactfully addressing specific problems. Consolidating Gains : Reinforcing positive changes made during therapy. Planning for the Future : Outlining ways to continue nurturing the relationship. Closure : Ending therapy with the tools to maintain improvements. By following these steps during therapy, couples can break free from negative patterns and find new, positive ways to connect. Couples engaging in an activity to strengthen their bond. Building Emotional Resilience Another vital aspect of successful relationships is emotional resilience. Resilience helps individuals cope with stress and recover from adversity, influencing how partners react in challenging situations. Relationship therapy techniques often focus on developing resilience through practices such as mindfulness and self-compassion. By fostering these qualities, partners can create a foundation of support for one another. When one partner feels overwhelmed, the other can provide the necessary emotional backing, which fortifies the relationship. The Role of Professional Guidance Sometimes, it can be challenging to navigate issues alone. Seeking professional help can provide clarity and strategies that may not be apparent. Therapists can offer personalized techniques based on the couple's unique dynamic. Moreover, many people find that just having an impartial party can significantly alter the tone of discussions. For couples struggling to communicate or resolve conflicts, exploring relationship therapy techniques can introduce helpful frameworks. These techniques enable partners to work towards mutual understanding and healing. The Power of Gratitude and Appreciation Cultivating a culture of gratitude in relationships can significantly enhance emotional well-being. Partners should take time to regularly express appreciation for each other. Simple gestures like verbal affirmations, heartfelt notes, or small surprises can uplift a relationship's emotional climate. Research shows that expressing gratitude can increase satisfaction and connection in relationships. By regularly acknowledging each other's contributions, partners can create a stable environment that fosters love and kinship. Small acts lead to lasting impacts, and gratitude is a straightforward tool for creating positivity. Keeping the Connection Alive Maintaining a strong bond requires ongoing effort and creativity. Partners should take initiative to explore new experiences and grow together. Participating in workshops, traveling, or even trying new hobbies can fortify relationships and keep the excitement alive. The willingness to evolve together can strengthen the foundation of any relationship. Approach every opportunity to explore and share with a sense of curiosity, and it will foster growth and closeness. Final Thoughts In summary, effective tools for strengthening relationships are numerous and varied. Relationship therapy provides a guided approach for couples who wish to deepen their connection. From communication exercises to emotional check-ins, each tool serves its unique purpose in building healthier, more satisfying bonds. Whether you're facing challenges in your relationship or simply want to enrich your connection, remember that growth takes time and effort. Be open, seek help when necessary, and continue to nurture your relationship. With the right tools and techniques at your disposal, you can create lasting love and understanding in your connections.

A new novel explores a sibling's lifelong struggles with a mentally ill sister. When a sibling suffers with mental illness, family members may feel anxious, overwhelmed, and resentful. Some brothers and sisters stay in an unhealthy job or relationship out of loyalty to a mentally ill sibling. Through transference, old childhood feelings toward a sibling often resurface in adult relationships. “No one will love you more or hurt you more than a sister.” These words appear on the opening page of Betsy Lerner’s first novel, and it’s certainly the case in Shred Sisters . The veteran literary agent and editor’s novel tells the gripping story of a family struggling to live with the mental illness of one of two daughters. The book spotlights how mental illness can ruin a sibling relationship , destroy a family , and lead to periods of estrangement. Amy, who narrates the story in a vulnerable, intimate voice, has had to endure her sister Ollie’s erratic conduct since they were children. Each family member denies or enables Ollie’s volatile and unpredictable behavior, which exacts a great toll on Amy as well as her parents’ marriage. Lerner vividly portrays how supporting someone with a mental health condition can lead to feelings of frustration, exhaustion, and guilt. How mental illness can stress the family As the book illustrates, when one sibling suffers with mental illness, family relationships can shatter for the following reasons: Emotional strain: Siblings of a mentally ill brother or sister frequently feel overwhelmed, anxious , and resentful, as the responsibility for managing the situation can be emotionally draining. Lack of understanding: A mentally ill person’s behaviors can be hard to understand. Tension and distance may damage the relationship when a brother or sister misinterprets or feels unable to relate to a sibling's experiences. Unrealistic expectations: It’s difficult to know just how well a sibling can function, especially when capabilities fluctuate. The resulting uncertainty can lead to unrealistic expectations, frustrations, and disappointments. Communication difficulties: Because mental illness can affect communication skills, siblings may find it challenging to have open, honest conversations. The limitations of these sibling conversations may lead to misunderstandings and conflict. Stigma: Some family members, perceiving a stigma, feel embarrassed and uncomfortable discussing their issues. This happens throughout the family system, to both the healthy and the mentally ill family members, and it can create or increase isolation. Feelings of helplessness: Some siblings feel powerless to help a brother or sister suffering with mental illness. This can compound feelings of guilt and frustration. The Sibling Ghosts of Childhood Shred Sisters also accurately depicts what marriage and family therapist Karen Gail Lewis calls the ghosts that are at play in sibling relationships. In her book Sibling Therapy , Lewis outlines four underrecognized ways in which memories and feelings haunt brothers and sisters throughout their lives. Frozen images: The childhood perception or characterization of a sibling can become “frozen” and sustained for years, no matter how much individuals have changed. These frozen images can be applied to adults who re-enact childhood behaviors through sibling transference (see below). Lewis offers the example of a brother who taunted a sister when they were little. These taunts can become internalized; long after the scars dim, the memories and emotions remain, she writes. Crystallized roles: Parents sometimes “label” their children, assigning roles that shape their behavior: the clown, the smart one, the troublemaker, etc. Once assigned a role, children tend to fulfill it. A crystallized role shapes identity, and—unless an individual becomes aware of the role and decides how to alter behavior—it can define adult life. Unhealthy loyalty: This is a subtle behavior pattern in which a sibling holds back out of worried loyalty to a brother or sister. A sibling may feel disloyal if, for example, he or she moves on in life while their sibling remains stuck in an unsatisfying job, challenging circumstances, or an unhappy emotional state. In this situation, some siblings feel as if they are abandoning a brother or sister. Sibling transference: Transference describes the phenomenon in which an individual redirects emotions, often unconsciously, from one person to another. Old childhood feelings toward a sibling often resurface in adulthood, in both personal and work relationships. The person may respond to people in their present-day life as they did to siblings when they were children. The transference may be positive or negative; either way, it works against clarity in relationships with friends, lovers, and colleagues. In Shred Sisters , Amy is especially driven by these "ghosts" that Lewis has identified. The sisters are stuck in frozen images and crystallized roles. Amy early on describes herself as small, skinny, and clumsy, while “good things come in tall, willowy packages like Ollie’s.” Amy is convinced that Ollie always gets special treatment; snooping in files, she discovers that their parents, who have high expectations of her, let Ollie get away with abysmal grades. Amy’s unhealthy loyalty to her sister may help explain why she forfeits a thriving career in science. After finishing her undergraduate degree in three years, she dedicates herself to studying and caring for lab animals. Having distinguished herself by logging more hours in the lab than other researchers and receiving recognition on several research papers published in scientific journals, Amy suddenly and surprisingly quits when some of her grant proposals are rejected. The book explores the idea of sibling transference in terms of Amy’s choice of men. When Amy gets involved with a man who is just as erratic as her sister, her therapist suggests that “what happened with Josh had to do with Ollie.” Lerner writes from Amy’s perspective: “I refused to believe that she [Ollie] permeated all my relationships. …” Lewis would argue that, yes, Ollie has permeated all of Amy's relationships, as siblings are our "first marriage” partners. “Siblings provide the first experiences of living intimately with peers, people of the same hierarchical level and the same generation,” Lewis explains. People are often surprised to recognize that how they feel in their marriage, friendships, or even in a relationship with a coworker bears a resemblance to “how they felt in some problematic situations with siblings in their ‘first marriage.’” For those who would like to learn more, Shred Sisters thoroughly explores in a dramatic, most engaging way the impact and long reach of Amy’s “first marriage” to a mentally ill sister. Fern Schumer Chapman - Website - Blog - References Lews, Dr. Karen Gail (2023) Sibling Therapy, The Ghosts from Childhood that Haunt Your Clients' Love and Work, Oxford University Press, New York, NY Lerner, Betsy (2024) Shred Sisters, Grove Press, New York, NY

Teaching teens to recognize toxic traits and build safe relationships. For safety in relationships, we can teach teens to recognize red flags and trust their gut. It's important to understand traits of ASPD and NPD to help spot unhealthy behaviors early in relationships. How individuals name and present themselves, and how they treat others, reveals character and values. In light of the recent assault and abuse allegations against rap mogul Sean Combs, we have an opportunity to reflect and teach our teens valuable lessons about trust, safety, and relationships. This troubling situation highlights crucial issues, especially for young people navigating the complexities of dating and meeting new people online or in person. It’s essential for parents to start conversations early about recognizing red flags and building healthy connections. Trust the Gut Trust is foundational in any relationship, starting from the very first swipe on a dating app or a chance meeting at school or a party. Without knowing someone well, we make judgments about whether they are trustworthy based on appearance and gestures. It’s important to teach our teens that trust is not only a feeling but something that should be earned over time. Often, feelings of mistrust are felt in the gut before the mind catches up. These instinctive perceptions help us stay safe and grounded. Teens need to learn to listen to that inner voice, even when it is clouded by attention, praise, interest, or gifts. Many people now say that something felt off about Diddy well before these allegations surfaced, illustrating how gut feelings can serve as early warnings. Two Dangerous Personality Disorders to Watch For Before forming friendships or dating someone, teens can learn to recognize unhealthy traits that may indicate serious mental health issues. Personality disorders are characterized by long-standing patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that often emerge in late adolescence or early adulthood. These patterns are rigid, making it difficult for the person to adapt to different situations or maintain healthy relationships. Understanding these traits can help teens make safer decisions. If someone shows multiple warning signs, it's crucial to say "no" to any invites, offers, or attention bids. Teaching teens to recognize these red flags and practice firm boundaries can protect them from future harm. 1. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) Often called "sociopathy," ASPD is defined by a pervasive pattern of disregard for others' rights, along with deceitfulness, impulsivity , aggression, irresponsibility, and a lack of remorse. People with ASPD are often manipulative or exploitative or violate the rights of others without feeling guilt or empathy. 2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) NPD is characterized by a lack of empathy and a need for admiration. Some key traits include: Grandiosity: Believing oneself to be superior or special. Need for Admiration: Craving constant praise and validation. Lack of Empathy: Having little regard for others’ feelings or needs. Sense of Entitlement: Expecting special treatment or privileges. Arrogance: Displaying boastful or condescending attitudes. Exploitative Behavior: Using others for personal gain without concern for their well-being. Preoccupation With Success or Power: Obsessing over fantasies of wealth, power, and beauty. Envy: Feeling jealous of others or believing others are envious of them. Superficial Charm: Being charismatic or charming but only to manipulate others. While only trained professionals can diagnose these personality disorders, understanding these traits can empower teens to protect themselves from unhealthy relationships. Five Red Flags to Watch For Recognizing warning signs early on can help teens avoid unhealthy or potentially dangerous relationships. Here are five clues to consider before trusting anyone who wants to get close. 1. Eyes If someone frequently wears sunglasses indoors or in their profile pictures, take caution. Unless there's a medical reason, concealing the eyes may indicate they don't want you to see their true intentions. Trust is built on open connection, and avoiding eye contact can signal secrecy or dishonesty. 2. Name and Self-Perception Pay attention to how someone refers to themselves. Do they use grandiose nicknames or talk about themselves in the third person? Titles that emphasize importance or power can indicate an inflated ego. Personalized apparel, tattoos, or online personas like gaming and social media usernames reveal a lot about values and character (e.g., names like "Bad Boy" suggest certain self-perceptions). 3. Gait and Presence Notice how they move in social situations. Do they walk ahead of everyone, expecting attention, and treating others as an entourage? A domineering presence often signifies a need for control and a lack of respect for others' space and time. For example, if a boyfriend walks impatiently ahead of his partner, it can indicate a lack of empathy or regard for her and others. 4. Coping Skills How does this person handle stress? Coping mechanisms reveal emotional maturity. Drinking heavily, using drugs, engaging in pornography, or endlessly scrolling through social media are warning signs. Actions often speak louder than words—if someone claims to value family but mainly posts about material possessions or partying, take note. Asking potential dates about their views on counseling, self-improvement, and mindfulness practices is a great way to gauge their self-awareness. If they are unwilling to seek therapy, show vulnerability, or accept support, it can indicate poor emotional regulation. 5. Treatment of Others Observe how they treat those who aren’t in their immediate circle—such as waitstaff, store clerks, or parking attendants. Do they show kindness, respect, and patience? Or do they act entitled, condescending, or dismissive? Someone who mistreats or ridicules strangers often reveals a lack of empathy and respect, behaviors that can quickly extend to those closer to them. Simple acts like holding doors, smiling genuinely, and waiting their turn show humility and respect. Trust Is Earned Over Time Trust should be seen as something that grows over time rather than something given freely at the start of a relationship. By understanding these red flags and teaching teens to recognize early signs of unhealthy behavior, we can empower them to build relationships that are safe, supportive, and based on mutual respect. By fostering open discussions about trust, respect, and emotional safety, we prepare our teens to navigate the world of dating and relationships with confidence and care. Cheralyn Leeby, Ph.D., LMFT, - Website - Blog -

... and how everybody suffers as a result. Some families find themselves forced to orient their home-life around one person's anger issues. Everybody in these families will develop coping mechanisms, but the source of the pain may never get addressed. Growing up in a home with an angry parent can create long-term issues including conflict aversion, an inability to process emotions, and stress. Dad has a temper. Everybody in the family knows that to keep a calm house; nobody can upset Dad. Mom frequently reminds the kids not to upset their father and hides potential sources of stress from him like a bad report card, a car dent, or a financial setback. The kids know how to read his moods from little details—like the pitch of his voice or how loudly the front door closes. When they sense their father’s stress increasing, the kids walk on eggshells, taking up as little space as possible. And when Dad inevitably explodes, the kids all quickly turn to their coping mechanisms. One child shuts down, becoming totally silent. Another slips out of the room and hides in their bedroom to read a book until things blow over. The third makes jokes to try to diffuse the tension. Mom, too, uses her coping mechanisms: placating, begging, smoothing things over, and when that does not work, escalating. After the explosion, Dad leaves to spend time alone, and Mom checks on the kids. She explains to them that Dad is going through a hard time at work and not to be too hard on him. The kids tell her it’s OK and they understand. Later, when his mood has shifted, Dad re-emerges as his happy self, and the whole house sighs in relief. But it always happens again. This is the profile of a family that orbits around the dad’s anger (to be clear, this scenario can happen with mothers too). And to them, it feels normal. What's Happening Here In this family , Dad’s anger rules the home. It is unpredictable, scary, and ever-present. To cope, the whole family strives to create a peaceful environment to limit the likelihood and ferocity of the next outburst. Notice that in this family, everybody is held responsible for Dad’s emotions and actions—except Dad. Children are expected to keep themselves in check while Dad gets as angry as he wants. Mom simultaneously tries to protect her children from his mood s by teaching them ways to avoid angering him, all the while reinforcing the idea that his anger is their responsibility. Everybody in the family has developed coping skills. They shut down, stay small, or act out to try to manage the situation. And so the big picture never gets addressed. None of this is easy. In some families, the most volatile family member is also the primary breadwinner, leaving the rest of the family beholden to their moods as part of the deal for financial security. And the family may fear for their physical safety if that anger continues to escalate. As a result, nobody ever asks: Why is Dad allowed to continue acting like this? What would accountability look like here? Why isn’t Dad tasked with learning to find healthy coping mechanisms? What would it be like if Dad learned to channel his anger into other healthier outlets? What would it look like if the parents made a point of telling their children that they are not responsible for an adult’s feelings? What if Mom started setting boundaries with Dad (assuming she felt safe)? The family can work harder and harder to control their own parts of the puzzle at great personal and collective cost. But only with Dad’s changed behavior and accountability will anything shift in the bigger picture. What is the Long-Term Impact of Growing Up Like This? I’ve heard versions of this household described dozens of times in my therapy sessions with now-adult children. What happens to adults who grew up in a house ruled by one person’s unchecked anger? Some of my clients describe how they never learned to show their unhappiness because crying or overwhelm upset their volatile parent. They certainly never learned what healthy anger looks like or how to manage it. To them, anger itself is the enemy. This can lead to extreme conflict aversion, which impacts their ability to have healthy adult relationships that invariably include some conflict. These clients describe becoming hyper-attuned to others’ emotions while learning to ignore their own experiences, creating a world in which they bend over backward to meet other people’s needs while treating their basic needs are “too much.” They struggle to set boundaries because they learned young that it was their job to accommodate others without ever taking themselves into account. And some enter platonic and romantic relationships in which they feel similarly shut down or abused, because those traits, displayed through anger, do not register as red flags. In fact, they feel a little like home. And many of these adult children will downplay the impact. "It wasn't that bad," they explain. "My dad never hit me. He just got really upset." But as we see, a home like this can leave lasting scars. In the short term, the home becomes a place of chronic stress. In the long term, the anger’s implications echo down the generations, creating lasting issues for all those who endured it. Sarah Epstein, LMFT, - Website - Blog -

Choosing the right therapist can be a pivotal step in your journey toward emotional wellness and personal growth. With so many options available, it can feel overwhelming to know where to start. In this article, we’ll discuss how to find a therapist who meets your specific needs, what qualifications to look for, and various approaches to therapy. A warm and inviting therapy room designed for comfort. Understanding Your Therapy Needs Before you even begin your search, reflect on what you want to achieve by entering therapy. Are you dealing with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, or a major life transition? Understanding your needs will help you find a therapist who specializes in that area. Different therapists focus on different aspects of mental health. Some may specialize in children and adolescents, while others focus on couples or individuals dealing with trauma. Knowing your area of need can significantly narrow down your options. Types of Therapy Approaches Therapists use various methods to help their clients. Here are a few common approaches: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) : This method focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. It’s effective for conditions like anxiety and depression. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) : This approach combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with mindfulness. It’s often recommended for individuals struggling with emotional dysregulation and self-harm. Humanistic Therapy : This type emphasizes personal growth and self-actualization. Therapists work with clients to help them understand their emotions and experiences. Psychoanalytic Therapy : Grounded in the theories of Freud, this approach delves into the unconscious mind and past experiences to understand current issues. Play Therapy : This type of therapy focuses on immersion in fully functional play rooms to help younger patients utilize play as a medium to express their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Trained therapists guide the patient through play activities in a confidential, safe environment . Understanding these approaches can help you determine which one resonates with you. A collection of therapy and psychology books for reference. What is a Licenced Therapist? Therapists must have a minimum number of clinical hours of post-graduate education and supervised experience before they are able to apply for a un-restricted state license and practice independently. This rule helps ensure that therapists have adequate training and experience to provide effective help. However, not every therapist will adhere strictly to this rule. It's important to consider individual qualifications. Look for credentials like licensure (LCSW, LPC, LMFT, etc.) and ask about their professional training and experience in your area of concern. How to Evaluate Credentials When searching for a therapist, evaluate their credentials. Here are the primary credentials to consider: License : Ensure the therapist is licensed to practice in your state. Licenses vary by state, so make sure to verify appropriately. Education : Look for therapists who hold advanced degrees in family therapy, psychology, counseling, or a related field. Specializations : Some therapists undergo extra training and certification in specific areas (e.g., trauma, childhood issues, substance abuse, EMDR, etc.). You can often find this information on the therapist’s website or public profiles. Consider Practical Factors Selecting a therapist also hinges on practical considerations. Keep the following in mind: Location : Decide if you want to see someone in-person or if online therapy will work better for you. Searching for therapy near me may yield local options that can meet your needs. Insurance : Check if your insurance covers therapy. Many insurance companies cover mental health. But not many providers are in-network. At The Resilience Center, we take over +35 insurance companies and are in-network. We believe in providing high-quality, exceptional therapy by partnering with your insurance company to make sure you have access to affordable care. Availability : Different therapists have different schedules. Ensure your therapist's availability aligns with your own. Talk with one of our specialists to find the best time that fits your schedule. The Importance of the Initial Consultation Before committing to a therapist, consider scheduling an initial consultation. This session allows both you and the therapist to determine if you are a good fit. Here are some questions to ask: What is your therapeutic approach? What experience do you have with my specific issues? How do you track progress in therapy? Feel comfortable discussing your concerns and what you're hoping to achieve. A good therapist will understand and help navigate these initial questions. Trust Your Instincts After the initial consultation, trust your instincts about whether you feel comfortable and connected to the therapist. A strong therapeutic alliance is critical for successful outcomes in therapy. If you don't feel that initial connection or if something feels off, it's okay to seek someone else. Recognizing Red Flags While searching for a therapist, be aware of potential red flags: Lack of Professionalism : This includes being consistently late, not having clear boundaries, or not being prepared for your sessions. Pushing Personal Beliefs : A therapist should support you without imposing personal opinions or beliefs onto you. Avoiding Your Concerns : If your therapist doesn't address your concerns or seems uninterested, it may be time to consider a change. Making the Decision to Start Therapy Once you've narrowed down your options and chosen a therapist, it’s time to take that brave step of starting therapy. Remember, therapy is a process that may require time and patience. Results may not be immediate, but commitment to the process often yields significant rewards. A serene and calming outdoor space designed for contemplation. What to Expect in Your Early Sessions In your initial sessions, you may discuss your concerns, history, and goals. The therapist may also explain their approach, how sessions will be structured, and what to expect moving forward. Being open and honest during these sessions can help you gain the most out of your therapy. The Role of Feedback in Therapy As the therapeutic process unfolds, don't hesitate to provide feedback. Therapists value input regarding what is working for you and what isn't. Open communication helps in adjusting the therapeutic approach, making it more effective for your unique situation. Embracing the Therapeutic Journey Entering therapy is an act of courage and self-care. Finding the right therapist can pave the way for meaningful change in your life. From understanding your needs to recognizing red flags and giving feedback, you have the power to shape your own therapeutic journey. With the right support, you can navigate life's challenges and foster personal growth. By taking the time to find a suitable therapist and being committed to the process, you are taking a significant step toward a healthier and happier you.

Understanding and navigating various levels of care. The process of finding the right mental health treatment can be overwhelming. There are several common mental health levels of care that are recognized by insurances. Self-help groups offer free support that can be easy to access virtually and in person. There is an endless and overwhelming amount of information on the internet about mental health treatment options. Many people have no idea where to begin or what type of care they or their loved ones may need. There is common terminology important for those seeking treatment and their loved ones to understand when reaching out for help. In order to figure out what type of care may be the best fit, it is helpful to obtain a mental health or a biopsychosocial assessment by a therapist. However, if an individual is having immediate safety issues, from suicidality, homochirality, or self-injury, they receive immediate attention by calling 911, 211, or going to a local emergency room. The following levels of care are listed in order of the lowest to the highest: Outpatient Services This is the lowest level of care and often the most desirable for those who want to seek out discreet support. Outpatient care may involve receiving treatment from a therapist, psychiatrist, psychiatric nurse practitioner, or others who may be part of a clinic. They may or may not be in-network with insurance providers. Some outpatient clinics may also provide weekly group therapy, which can lead to a comprehensive treatment plan. Ideally, an outpatient provider is able to conduct a LOCUS mental health level of care determination and biopsychosocial assessment to determine the best treatment plan for a client. Contacting your health insurance company for a list of mental health providers can be an option. Additionally, Psychology Today has a comprehensive outpatient therapist directory. Mental Health Self-Help Groups These groups are free and open to the public. Most offer virtual options and can provide a social support community for individuals and even family members with mental health conditions. Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) NAMI Groups International Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Foundation Post-Partum Support International Schizophrenia & Psychosis Action Alliance SHE RECOVERS (all recovery, trained facilitators) Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) IOPs are usually held three hours per day, three days per week. Some IOP programs are in the evening, allowing for those being treated to maintain part-time or full-time work. These programs typically involve group therapy , along with individual therapy , case management, and medication management. These programs can last for various lengths of time (most often, about six to eight weeks), as individuals are able to engage in work, volunteering, or academics simultaneously. They are both insurance-based and private-pay. Partial Hospitalization Program (Day Treatment) These programs are often based in clinics or hospitals and allow an individual to attend treatment throughout the day while living at home. Clients generally need to take time off from work or are not currently working in order to attend, as they run five hours per day, five days a week. These programs involve group therapy, along with individual therapy, case management, and medication management (if needed). Individuals attend partial programs for generally about six to eight weeks, depending on the program, their insurance, and their ability to self-pay. The intention is to then step individuals down to an outpatient treatment plan upon discharge from the program. If an individual is continuing to struggle with mental health stability and acute safety issues in a partial program, then this may indicate that they need a higher level of care, such as residential or inpatient treatment. Residential Treatment All residential treatment programs require that clients live at the program during treatment, but it is not a locked facility. There are many types of programs and locations to choose from in terms of this type of care. These programs include group therapy much of the day, individual therapy sessions, and medication management (if needed). Some programs offer alternative forms of treatment, such as equine therapy, wilderness excursions, acupuncture, yoga, expressive therapy, and many others. Some programs do take insurance, but some are private. The length of stay for clients is typically 30 days minimum, and it is crucial that comprehensive aftercare planning is established for support in acclimating back to the patient's home environment. Inpatient Treatment This is the highest level of care. Individuals are placed in a locked unit, usually in a hospital setting. This is a temporary stabilization program that is intended to support a client in acute medication and treatment interventions and then refer them to appropriate lower levels of care. Clients are held in these types of programs until they are physically and psychologically stabilized. The length of stay is based on the medical necessity and insurance coverage. The most important step is to reach out for help from mental health or medical professionals in order to receive support in navigating this process. Sarah Allen Benton, M.S., LMHC., LPC, - Website - Blog - References Level of Care Utilization System (LOCUS), DC Department of Mental Health

Changing "dispositional" to "situational" explanations speeds your recovery. Dispositional explanations attribute depression to internal traits, situational ones to external events. Believing depression is inherent hinders recovery; situational focus helps you find solutions. Recognizing situational triggers allows you to change your mood and emotional responses. To shift explanations: notice mood drops, stop dispositional thoughts, recall triggering events. A "dispositional explanation" attributes your depressed moods and maladaptive behaviors to internal factors, like personality traits or personal characteristics. A "situational explanation" attributes those dark moods and dysfunctional behaviors to external factors, like the environment, social context, or specific circumstances surrounding the situation. A dispositional explanation for depressive feelings focuses on "who someone is" while a situational explanation focuses on "what the situation is." Learning to switch from dispositional to situational explanations for negative feelings makes it easier to change and is a useful tool in regulating your emotions . Everyone experiences ups and downs — days they feel competent and contented with moments of happiness, and days they’re down or even depressed. How you explain your moods can make a big difference in how easy it is to recover from those times your heart drops and darkness settles over you. Furthermore, while — as a child — you may have learned how to explain your feelings from your mother and how she explained her darker moods, you can change those habitual explanations for feelings of depression by learning a new skill. Learning to walk back in time, until you identify the moment your “heart sank,” is the door to relief from a depressed mood. Every week at least one client shows up looking more miserable than usual. I usually ask: “What happened?” Last week, a 46-year-old woman, a team leader at a small tech company who is often excited about her team’s latest project, appeared sleep-deprived, red-eyed, and darkly depressed. “What happened?” I ask. “Nothing happened; I just got depressed again.” I ask again: “Come on, when did your mood drop?” Her response: “You know, I’m usually depressed, so what’s new.” She’s making a “dispositional explanation” for her mood. That means she believes she gets depressed because of her personality, her “disposition,” or how she’s wired. I challenge her explanation. “That’s not always how you are. Last week you were feeling proud of the work you and your team are doing, and things were going well at home. You seemed even cheerful.” She’d heard me challenge this kind of explanation for her moods before. Sighing, she said quietly: “I know what you’re thinking; don’t get impatient with me.” I understand. It takes time to change your habitual way of explaining things that happen to you, especially those things with depression-tinged feelings attached. This client is not always depressed. Her mood drops when a higher-level manager complains to her: “Your team seems to be moving too slowly.” Or when someone she admires suggests she made a stupid mistake by interviewing and hiring a new team assistant who turned out to be chronically sloppy. Or when her 17-year-old son decided to have a “deep talk” with her; he’d decided to tell her “in all honestly” about all the mistakes he thought she’d made as a mother —going back to middle school. In other words, she gets depressed when something upsetting happens, especially when she feels put down. Her drop in mood is “situational” —it’s her response to a specific situation. There’s nothing mysterious about it. While there’s almost always a situational explanation for her darker moods, she forgets that when she feels down. She’s not always depressed. She’s not even prone to depression. But when a situation really bothers or humiliates her, she forgets she felt quite contented the day or the week before. She forgets her mood dropped when something specific happened. The reason these matters If you find yourself down and you believe it’s just how you’re wired, you also tend to believe it’s permanent. Therefore, you’re unlikely to search for a solution. You may think there’s no hope of changing and you’ll always feel the same dismal feelings. But when you learn to look for the situational explanations for your drop in mood, you’ll start figuring out how to change the situation. You don’t have to sit around depressed for long; once you locate the moment your heart sank, you’ve found the explanation. Finding situational explanations for your feelings opens you up to the idea of change. Moving from dispositional to situational explanations It's not so hard to learn how to change your thinking about the way you feel. Step One: Learn to identify a drop in your mood quickly. When you find yourself depressed or moody, notice it. Become aware of it. Quickly. Identify it when you’re thinking: “That’s the way I am.” or “I have a depressive personality.” Step Two: As soon as you realize your mood dropped and you’ve begun that habitual explanation for feelings of depression — “This is just the way I am; I’ll always be on the edge of depression” — stop yourself. The way to do this is with a mini-meditation. As soon as you feel your heart drop, pay attention and, for a moment, stop what you’re doing. Start paying attention to your breathing. Notice your breath going in and out. Begin to count (to yourself) each breath as you exhale. Do this very briefly — like for two or three minutes. Step Three: Then recollect the details of when your mood dropped. At first, you might return to insisting this is just how you are. But try again. Seriously, when did you get so down? Go an hour at a time, a day at a time, and soon you’ll remember. Perhaps you ran into an old friend yesterday, and you felt a moment of joy when you saw her. And then you saw her face, and realized that she didn’t seem so happy to see you. That was the moment. You walked away, embarrassment and disappointment rushing over you. Perhaps you wondered, “Did I do something to her, something I can’t remember?” Ready to blame yourself, after walking away your emotions dysregulated. The scene was humiliating. It may seem easier to forget it than to dwell on the miserable memory. So as it slips away from your memory, you’re left with a terrible mood and the thought “this is how I am, I’m a depressive, I always end up this way.” But then you remember: “Think about your explanation.” You didn’t feel bad the day before. Remember the situation. It’s better to remember a humiliating situation than to turn the explanation inward and attribute your depressed mood to your personality, your disposition. Step Four: You can learn to stop yourself when you’re whispering those dispositional explanations. Challenge your habitual explanations and ask yourself: “When did my mood change?” It doesn’t take that long to learn to stop, quiet your jumbled thoughts with a mini-meditation, and ask yourself about the situation. Learning to identify the situational explanation for those times you find yourself depressed changes how you respond to those darker moods. Instead of crawling away, adding insult to injury, you’ll be able to learn to protect yourself from the impact of painful or humiliating situations. You’ll be open to taking actions to counter your mood and create a new situation. Lynn E. O’Connor, Ph.D., - Website - Blog -

Mental health is a crucial element of our overall well-being. Just as we prioritize our physical health, it is essential to understand and address our mental health needs. With the increasing awareness of mental health issues, various types of support systems have emerged, tailored to fit different needs and preferences. In this blog post, we will explore the different types of mental health support available today, their benefits, and how to access them. A community support system. Types of Mental Health Support Mental health support comes in various forms, each designed to cater to different situations and needs. Understanding these options can help you find the right support for yourself or someone in need. Here are some key types of mental health support: 1. Professional Counseling and Therapy One of the most well-known forms of mental health support is counseling or therapy, where individuals speak with licensed professionals. Therapists may use different approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, or humanistic therapy based on their clients' needs. For example, CBT is effective for treating anxiety and depression by changing negative thought patterns. According to a study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology, therapy can improve mental health for up to 75% of patients. Moreover, therapists provide a safe space for individuals to share their thoughts and emotions without judgment. A confidential environment for counseling sessions. 2. Support Groups Support groups offer a platform for individuals dealing with similar issues to share their experiences and provide each other with encouragement. These groups can be led by a mental health professional or peer-led, allowing participants to connect on a deeper level. For instance, organizations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offer support groups for various mental health conditions. Research suggests that participants in support groups often experience reduced feelings of isolation and increased coping skills. These gatherings can be a source of comfort and validation. 3. What is the 3 Month Rule in Mental Health? The "3 month rule" in mental health generally refers to the suggestion that if symptoms of a mental health issue persist for more than three months, it may be necessary to seek professional help. This timeframe is not a strict rule but serves as a guideline. Persistent symptoms can indicate deeper underlying issues that require attention. Recognizing these signs is crucial. For example, if feelings of sadness or anxiety don't subside and begin affecting daily life, it is essential to reach out for support. Following this guideline can lead to earlier intervention, which is often vital for successful treatment outcomes. 4. Online Therapy and Virtual Support With the rise of technology, online therapy has gained popularity. Platforms offered through The Resilience Center connect individuals with licensed therapists through text, video, or phone calls. This option offers convenience and accessibility, making it easier for people to seek help, especially those with busy schedules or mobility issues. Recent statistics show that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy for many, making it a valuable alternative. Importantly, online resources ensure that support is available without the barriers of transport or geographic limitations. An inviting workspace ideal for virtual therapy sessions. 5. Self-Help Resources and Workshops Many individuals may find that self-help resources and workshops are beneficial for maintaining their mental health. Books, online courses, and community workshops can provide strategies for managing anxiety, stress, and other mental health challenges. For example, tools such as mindfulness meditation, journaling exercises, and stress management techniques can be learned through workshops and self-help materials. Engaging in these activities regularly can enhance emotional resilience. In addition, local community centers often host these workshops, making them accessible to a broader audience. 6. Emergency Services and Crisis Intervention It's crucial to understand that in severe mental health situations, such as suicidal thoughts or severe panic attacks, immediate help is necessary. Emergency services and crisis intervention teams are available in such cases, providing critical support and guidance. In many areas, there are hotlines and mobile crisis units that can offer immediate assistance. For instance, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S. provides 24/7 support to individuals in distress. Understanding how to access such services can save lives. A serene park, an ideal space for reflection and mental wellness. Final Thoughts The journey to mental well-being can be complex and unique for each individual. Understanding the types of mental health support available is the first step toward effective care. From professional therapy to community support and self-help resources, various options cater to different needs. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health challenges, consider reaching out for help. Remember that various mental health services can provide the necessary support and guidance. Taking the first step towards seeking assistance can lead to significant improvements in mental health and overall well-being.

You can let go of the feeling of shame when your husband leaves. Your husband may shame you when he leaves as a way of avoiding responsibility. You may shame yourself, feeling you have failed to keep your marriage together. You worry that others look at you and blame you for the end of your marriage. You can use self-compassion to counteract the toxic effects of shame. Women over the years have often told me how ashamed they feel at having been abandoned by their husband. It’s a powerful feeling that colors everything they do. I even heard from one abandoned wife who did her grocery shopping in the middle of the night at a 24-hour store so that she wouldn’t have to run into anyone she knew. It was that bad. So here, we’re going to unpack what causes that sense of shame in some women and what to do about it. What is shame in the first place? It’s a fundamental feeling that you have done something wrong or that there is something wrong with you and others can see it. We all have shortcomings that we’d rather the world not know about, but when your husband walks away from the marriage, it may feel like your secret flaws are broadcasted to the whole world. This feeling of shame may come from three sources First, from your ex. Before your husband walked out the door, he made sure to reveal to you everything he had found distasteful, lacking, messy, controlling, or downright wrong about you, and those stabbing words got lodged in your chest. Whether true or not, by attempting to humiliate you, he could base the cause of his decision to leave squarely on your flaws. He knows you well enough to know that you would reel from all that and it would act as a diversionary tactic so that you wouldn’t be able to see clearly his role in his decision. Second, from yourself. You may have very strongly held views about the sanctity of marriage and your role in keeping it strong. When you pronounced your marriage vows, you meant it. If the marriage falls apart, for whatever reason, you feel that you have failed in one of life’s biggest promises: “till death do us part.” In this case, the shame of the marriage ending is assigned by you to you. You look back and see things you could have done differently. Of course... you’re human. No one is expected to be the perfect wife (he wasn’t the perfect husband), but now you’re filled with regret, blaming yourself for the marriage breakdown. Or you may feel he made a fool of you. Looking back, you berate yourself, “Why didn’t I see that about him in the past? Why did I make allowances for all his bad behavior? Why was I so pathetically self-sacrificing? Did everyone else see it but me?” Third, from your community. Your couple was part of a larger community of friends and family . One of the most painful aspects of your husband leaving is that you probably were rejected from some of those groups. For example, you may have been a member of his family for decades but now, you’re persona non grata. Your ex had the opportunity to spin his story about you to his family and friends, and you’re helpless to set the record straight. Although you know that blood is thicker than water and that his family was your family too, if they have been cold towards you or cut you off, it feels like you’ve been judged and found lacking. What to do about it? The solution to your feeling of shame lies in just two words — self compassion. If you’re a person who expects yourself to be perfect all the time, you’re going to take the end of your marriage much harder than someone who accepts that she doesn’t have to be perfect to love herself. Could you extend to yourself the kind of compassion you would to a dear friend who is suffering, as Dr. Kristin Neff suggests, and give yourself kindness and a hug? Nobody’s life runs smoothly and we all have times of struggle to one degree or another. Try to view the end of your marriage as another twist and turn in your life story — not as a personal failure. It’s okay to stop beating yourself up! It doesn’t mean that you’re being unrealistic, just that you’re taking care of yourself, which is a good thing. I once heard the saying that when you think other people are talking about you, they’re not. The break up of your marriage might have been the topic of conversation for a while, but it gets to be old news very quickly. And your assumption that you’re viewed as the one to blame is just that — an assumption. It's likely that you really have no idea what people are thinking about the end of your marriage, so you might as well not let those limiting thoughts stand in the way of you feeling good about yourself. This is an opportunity for you to work on your self-defeating thoughts and banish them! You don’t need them anymore! You can make a choice to jettison the shame and come back to yourself as someone you treat with tenderness and love. Vikki Stark, M.S.W., M.F.T., - Website - Blog -

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs. Whether you're grappling with stress, facing a significant change, or simply trying to better understand yourself, therapy can be an invaluable tool. Many people might feel uncertain about how therapy works or whether it’s the right option for them. This blog post aims to unpack the benefits of therapy, guide you through its various forms, and offer helpful tips for finding the right support. Therapy Benefits: An Overview Therapy offers numerous benefits, providing individuals with a safe space to explore their thoughts and emotions. According to research, therapy has been shown to improve mental health conditions like anxiety and depression by giving people effective coping mechanisms. One major benefit of therapy is that it fosters self-awareness. Being able to identify feelings and thoughts can help you better understand what triggers certain emotions or behaviors. For instance, someone struggling with anxiety might learn to recognize early signs of panic, allowing them to implement coping strategies before their anxiety escalates. Here is an image that illustrates someone reflecting on their thoughts: Reflecting in nature can help facilitate self-awareness during therapy. Another aspect of therapy is the supportive environment it creates. This setting allows individuals to explore issues in a non-judgmental space. Not only can this lead to personal discoveries, it often provides essential support that can help individuals navigate through challenging times. Moreover, therapy can help improve interpersonal skills. Many people find it challenging to communicate their feelings or needs to others. Through therapy, you can develop these skills, promoting healthier relationships both at home and work. Types of Therapy There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach in therapy. Different types of therapy cater to various needs and preferences. Here are some popular modalities: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) : This method focuses on identifying negative thought patterns and challenging them. CBT can be particularly effective for anxiety and depression. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) : Originally developed to treat borderline personality disorder, DBT teaches coping skills and emotional regulation. Mindfulness-Based Therapy : This technique incorporates mindfulness practices to help individuals stay present while managing stress. Understanding the type of therapy that best suits your needs can enhance your experience and outcomes. Research shows that when individuals find a therapeutic approach that resonates with them, they tend to experience more significant improvements over time. Here’s an informative image representing different types of therapy: Understanding various types of therapy can enhance your path to mental well-being. The Importance of Finding the Right Therapist Finding the right therapist is crucial. Here are some tips to guide you: Research : Use online resources, like therapists’ websites or reviews, to narrow down your options. Look for specialists that align with your specific needs. Check Credentials : Ensure that the therapist is licensed and has the appropriate qualifications. Consultation : Many therapists offer free initial consultations. Use this time to assess whether you feel comfortable with their style and approach. Trust Your Instincts : It's essential to feel a connection with your therapist. If you don’t feel a good fit, don’t hesitate to seek someone else. Establishing a trusting relationship can lead to a more fulfilling therapeutic experience. Here’s an image reflecting a serene therapy environment: A calming therapy room can create a conducive environment for healing. Practical Tips for Navigating Life’s Challenges Through Therapy Therapy is a journey, and there are ways to maximize its benefits. Here are some practical tips: Be Open and Honest : The more honest you are about what you’re feeling, the more effective your sessions will be. Set Goals : Discuss your goals with your therapist. Setting clear objectives can help guide your conversations and make your therapy more focused. Practice Outside of Sessions : Utilize the strategies learned in therapy at home or work. Practicing these new skills reinforces your learning. Be Patient : Change takes time. Therapy isn’t a magic solution, and progress might be slow but steady. Stay Committed : Consistency is key. Regular sessions provide ongoing support, leading to more meaningful progress. By using these practical tips, you can enhance your therapeutic journey and better navigate life's challenges. Steps to Take After Therapy Once you have gone through therapy and start feeling better, maintaining your mental health is equally important. Here are steps to consider: Incorporate Daily Practices : Engage in activities that keep you grounded. This could be mindfulness exercises, regular exercise, or journaling. Build a Support Network : Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Share your experiences and seek reassurance when needed. Continuously Seek Growth : Keep exploring new interests or activities, as they can contribute to your emotional well-being. Know When to Revisit Therapy : Life is filled with new challenges, and it’s okay to seek help again if needed. Regular check-ins with a therapist, even when things are going well, can be beneficial. By understanding these steps, you’ll be better equipped to maintain your mental health and navigate future challenges. Therapy offers a unique opportunity to gain insight into yourself and your life. It can provide essential tools for managing stress and improving your overall well-being. If you’re considering beginning therapy, remember that it’s a journey worth taking; the benefits can last a lifetime. Through commitment and openness, therapy can help you emerge stronger, navigate challenges more effectively, and lead a fulfilling life.

Understanding the role of self-blame for survivors. Childhood trauma shapes our perceptions of ourselves, others, and the world around us. A common response among survivors is a tendency to internalize negative experiences into self-blame. Unlearning negative messages and reframing with compassion can help decrease self-blame. My family went to family therapy once. And by once, I mean literally one time. I remember the four of us sitting in this dimly lit room with bay windows that overlooked the rotary in the center of town. I do not have any recollection of what was talked about, only that I was so worried the whole session that the therapist would find out that I was the problem; that I was the reason why we were all there. I did my best to act well: sitting nicely, speaking minimally, and I didn't cry at all. "Maybe I can fool her," my 8-year-old self-thought. "If I just keep quiet, she won't realize that I am the problem." It wasn't until I said that story on a podcast a few years ago that I truly realized the weight of that moment. At 8 years old, I was barely old enough to tie my own shoes, but I was convinced that I was the source of my family's problems. Thirty years later, I now know that a child can never be at fault for any dysfunction or abuse in a family system, yet I carried that belief with me for years, internalizing it as part of my identity. This pervasive sense of guilt and shame—of thinking I was the cause of my family's pain—became deeply ingrained in me. It was there with me throughout my adolescence and into adulthood , shaping how I viewed myself and my relationships, especially in moments of conflict or stress. It took years of therapy and healing to unravel the knots of shame, and even now, I occasionally catch myself reverting to that old mindset. These patterns don’t simply disappear with time; they require active effort and compassion to unlearn, often well into adulthood. Why Child Trauma Survivors Often Blame Themselves Children are in a stage of cognitive development where they naturally seek to make sense of their experiences, yet they often lack the cognitive tools to process what has happened to them. Instead, they may interpret these events through a lens of self-centeredness, a common developmental trait. For instance, young children tend to see themselves as the center of their world; thus, they may mistakenly believe that they are responsible for their caregiver's actions or emotional responses. If a parent is abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable, the child might think, “If I were better, this wouldn’t be happening,” or “It’s my fault that they are upset.” This self-blame serves as a coping mechanism, allowing children to exert a sense of control over their circumstances—even if that control is illusory. The Impact of Family Dynamics When trauma originates within the family of origin, the potential for self-blame is heightened, as children may internalize the dysfunction or abuse they experience, believing they are responsible for the conflict or harm. This sense of guilt can be exacerbated by the desire to protect the family unit or to make sense of the chaotic and harmful dynamics, often leading to long-lasting emotional and psychological consequences. Children rely on their caregivers for safety, love, and validation. If those caregivers are the source of trauma , it complicates the child’s understanding of their own worth and identity. They may internalize the belief that they are unworthy of love or that their needs are burdensome, leading to a deep-seated sense of guilt and shame. This self-blame is further exacerbated by the emotional dynamics within families. For example, if a caregiver expresses anger or disappointment toward a child, the child might interpret this as a reflection of their own inadequacies. Such patterns can become entrenched, as children develop maladaptive beliefs about themselves that persist into adulthood. The Role of Shame in Self-Blame Childhood trauma can have lasting effects on a person's mental and emotional well-being, shaping their perceptions of themselves and the world around them. When a child is led to believe they are at fault for abuse or dysfunction, it not only distorts their sense of identity but can set the stage for ongoing struggles with self-esteem, guilt, difficulty in trusting others, and a strong sense of inner shame. Shame is a powerful emotion that can contribute significantly to self-blame in trauma survivors. Moreover, children may fear that revealing their trauma or feelings of blame will lead to further rejection or abandonment. As a result, they may remain silent, internalizing their pain and reinforcing the belief that they are to blame for their suffering. This silence can create barriers to healing, as acknowledging the trauma and its impact becomes intertwined with feelings of guilt and shame. Moving Towards Healing and Unlearning Self-Blame Unlearning self-blame from childhood trauma is a deeply challenging process in healing. It requires confronting the false beliefs that were internalized during traumatic experiences, and recognizing the impact of external factors, such as the actions—or inactions—of caregivers or family dynamics. Learning to Unlearn: Understanding the roots of self-blame in child trauma survivors involves acknowledging that these beliefs are often a product of developmental stages and family dynamics and were not the fault of those without power—usually the children. Learning to unlearn self-blame involves not only recognizing the harmful beliefs instilled during childhood but also developing a new narrative that reflects a more accurate understanding of the trauma: that we are not responsible for the trauma we endured, and that self-blame is a common, but harmful, response to these experiences. Reframing: Reframing the trauma helps in shifting the perspective from self-blame to self-compassion. This process helps us to recognize that our reactions to trauma—such as feeling responsible for the abuse or dysfunction—were natural responses to overwhelming situations, but that those responses do not define our worth or identity. Reframing means acknowledging that we were never to blame for the actions of others, including the failure of caregivers or the dysfunction within the family. Surrounding yourself with support: Being in environments that promote emotional safety and open communication can help us process our feelings without fear of judgment. Support from empathetic friends, fellow survivors, therapists, or peer groups can validate our experiences and help us release the burden of self-blame. Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, - Website - Blog -