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Recovery from addiction is the ongoing process of learning, growth, and healing. Abstinence is instrumental to healing the neurological impacts of addiction. Recovery goes beyond abstinence and involves learning and practicing conscious awareness and skills. There are multiple ways in which Western psychotherapy, Buddhist psychology, and 12-step recovery intersect. Recovery is the ongoing process of learning to live a whole, healthy, and healed life . “The world breaks everyone. And afterward many are strong in the broken places.” —Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms While the term recovery can be applied to getting better or improvement related to a wide range of conditions, it is most often used to describe the process of overcoming addiction to alcohol and other drugs. In this context, recovery is generally thought of as becoming abstinent from these substances, but the reality is that recovery extends far beyond abstinence. Addiction is a chronic, progressive, and potentially fatal disorder—like other chronic, life-threatening conditions , such as diabetes, asthma, and heart disease. Like these other illnesses, there is no cure for addiction. However, it can be treated and managed successfully through the process of recovery. Recovery allows those with addiction to live long, full, and healthy lives. I should know, having been an addiction treatment professional for over two decades and a person in long-term addiction recovery (16+ years currently). There is no shortage of personal stories that describe the horrors of addiction, many of which also depict people’s journeys into recovery, and some of these involve people who go on to become addiction counselors. My story is a little different in that I was a behavioral health professional, initially as a therapist and subsequently in high-level management capacities in a variety of settings, including addiction treatment—before I entered recovery. I was highly regarded as a practitioner, supervisor, and administrator until the final devastating 18 months of a 30-year active addiction (exacerbated by a chronic pain condition) when my life as I knew it started to unravel—a process that picked up speed like a snowball gaining momentum and size as it rolls downhill. The disease of addiction is known for being “cunning, baffling, and powerful.” It is also exquisitely patient, as well as treacherous, in the ways it attempts to convince those who suffer from it that they don’t have it. Ironically, as long as my addiction was active, my education and professional experience obstructed my ability to see it for what it was, admit it, and seek help despite mounting personal and professional consequences. Usually, it’s only when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change that people make significant life changes. Ultimately, the damage to my family of procreation and career “gifted” me with enough desperation to accept that I needed inpatient treatment. There, I was introduced to a holistic, multi-dimensional approach to living with chronic pain and 12-step recovery, both of which I continue to practice. In my second 12-step meeting, someone with nearly 30 years clean stated, “Recovery won’t open the gates of heaven so you can get in, but it will unlock the gates of hell so you can get out.” And that has been my experience. The Neuroscience of Abstinence Abstinence is instrumental in healing the neurological impacts of addiction. With the aid of neuroplasticity, the human brain has remarkable abilities to heal. Research using brain scans indicates that with 14 months of abstinence, noticeable healing of the adverse changes caused by active addiction has taken place.[1] This notwithstanding, the brain’s reward center and the mesolimbic dopamine system that feeds it are forever altered. As neurons that fire together wire together, the brain connects emotion, memory, and sensory stimuli, linking experiences perceived as “positive” with specific associations: images, sounds, smells, people, and places, coding them as omens of comfort and reward. These unconscious learned responses are strong enough to remain operative even after years of abstinence. As a result, their memory tracks tend to pull people back toward the experiences and behaviors with which they are familiar and comfortable, making it more difficult to stop such behaviors and stay stopped. Like petroglyphs etched in rock formations that are clearly visible hundreds of years later, the rhapsodic recollections of drug use are engraved deep within the midbrain—beckoning sweetly and seductively. Consequently, recovery from addiction involves sustaining abstinence and learning and practicing the awareness and skills necessary to respond intentionally rather than react unconsciously and reflexively. These two elements reinforce one another: Sustained abstinence creates opportunities to build the skills that facilitate growth and healing, which is not possible during the unremitting entropy of active addiction. Conversely, learning and practicing such skills is instrumental to sustaining long-term abstinence. Defining Recovery The U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has defined recovery from both substances use disorders and mental disorders as: “A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential." Recovery is a process of transformation that necessitates changing how I relate to myself, to others, and to the world. It is an extraordinary undertaking, requiring no small amount of mental, emotional, and spiritual renovation. A foundational underpinning of this metamorphosis is the shifting away from a focus on doing things that make one feel good to doing things one can feel good about. The former is explicitly transitory, and after the mood elevation subsides, it often leaves us feeling even worse than before. Moreover, it frequently takes us further away from our true values, the type of person we want to be, and the kind of life we wish to live. In contrast, the latter is enduring and brings us into greater alignment with our values and closer to the type of person we want to be and the kind of life we wish to live. In order to get my life back together, I had to be done with tearing myself apart. This is the essence of step one—to accept and admit powerlessness over my addiction and the breadth and depth of the unmanageability it created in my life. In Buddhism, this dynamic is framed in terms of letting go of specific attachments as an essential ingredient in the lessening of suffering—specifically, attachment to the need to deny I was an addict and the beliefs that I could control my using and didn’t need any help, as well as the desire to ease my stress, emotional discomfort, and physical pain through the use of substances. Once I entered recovery, my professional knowledge and experience became assets that enriched my understanding and awareness of recovery as an ongoing process of learning, growth, and healing. Interestingly, there are multiple ways in which Western psychology and psychotherapy, Buddhist psychology and practice, and 12-step recovery intersect. These include but are not limited to: Nurturing the ability to observe one’s thoughts and the fictional stories they so often combine to create so their merit can be evaluated and potentially disputed, Cultivating the capacity to be present with and tolerate the full range of our emotional life—without needing to run away from the painful or cling to the pleasurable, Learning how to allow space for and accept the ever-shifting sands of our physical status without adversely judging it or ourselves, Developing enhanced and deeper connections with that beyond oneself to facilitate spiritual centeredness. Meditation, a 2,600-year-old Buddhist practice, is a formal component of step eleven. Along with other mindfulness practices, mediation has increasingly been incorporated into contemporary psychotherapeutic approaches such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). The role of spirituality in 12-step recovery is well known. What is much less well known is that its inclusion in the 12 steps when AA was established in 1935 occurred through Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist and one-time protégé of Sigmund Freud, who founded analytical psychology and pioneered the concepts of archetypes, the shadow self, and the collective unconscious. Jung viewed addiction as a spiritual malady and addicts as frustrated spiritual seekers. He believed that the craving for altered states of consciousness reflected a spiritual thirst for wholeness and that spiritual connection was essential to overcoming addiction. Life takes its toll on all of us, and everyone, whether or not they struggle with addiction, chronic pain, or any other serious condition, sustains a certain degree of damage along the way. Recovery provides a pathway to heal from that damage and become stronger, just as broken bones can become stronger after they heal than they were before. Dan Mager, MSW - Website - Book References: Loss of Dopamine Transporters in Methamphetamine Abusers Recovers with Protracted Abstinence, Nora D. Volkow, Linda Chang, Gene-Jack Wang, Joanna S. Fowler, Dinko Franceschi, Mark Sedler, Samuel J. Gatley, Eric Miller, Robert Hitzemann, Yu-Shin Ding, Jean Logan, Journal of Neuroscience 1 December 2001, 21 (23) 9414-9418; DOI: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.21-23-09414.2001

... but neither finished first in a major recent survey. Earlier this year (2023), the Pew Research Center asked a representative national sample of adults in the U.S. what they thought it would take to live a fulfilling life. Participants were asked to indicate the importance of 5 factors: being married , having children, having close friends, having a job or career they enjoyed, and having a lot of money. Marriage Was Considered Least Important to a Fulfilling Life Only 23 percent of respondents to the survey said that marriage was either very important or extremely important in order to live a fulfilling life. That was the lowest percentage of all five categories. Very close to marriage, in their lack of importance to a fulfilling life, were having lots of money and having children . Only 24 percent thought that having lots of money was very or extremely important to a fulfilling life, and just 26 percent thought that having children was. Having close friends was considered far more important: 61 percent said it was very or extremely important to living a fulfilling life, compared to just 23 percent for being married and 26 percent for having children. The number-one key to a fulfilling life, though, was not any of those things; it was having a job or career you enjoy. More than 7 in 10 (71 percent) said this was very or extremely important in order to live a fulfilling life. This didn’t seem to be just about the money that employment brings; only 24 percent said that having lots of money was a key to fulfillment. What seemed to matter was that the work was enjoyable. Do Married People Also Believe This? The overall results I just presented were averaged across adults of all marital statuses. But what if we looked separately at the married people? Would we find that they think marriage is more important than the other factors, but their attitudes are rendered invisible by averaging them in with everyone else’s? Not really. Among married people, 29 percent said that being married was important to having a fulfilling life. That’s more than the average across people of all marital statuses: 23 percent. “Still,” the Pew Report noted, “married people place much greater importance on job satisfaction and having children than they do on being married.” Here are the percentages of people in each marital status who believe that marriage is very or extremely important to a fulfilling life: Married: 29 percent Divorced , separated, or widowed: 18 percent. Lifelong singles (“never married”): 15 percent. Living with a romantic partner: 12 percent. A Timely Set of Findings The Census Bureau issues a press release every September to mark “Unmarried and Single Americans Week.” If you look at this year’s statement, you will see from the two graphs included within it that for both men and women, the percentage of adults who are married has consistently decreased since around 1960, while the percentage who have been single their whole life (“never married”) has increased. Counting all adults who are not married (divorced, widowed, and always single), there are now nearly as many adults in the U.S. who are not married as who are. Even people who do marry are getting around to it later and later in life. In a previous post, I made the case that we are living in the age of friendship. Our changing demographics , needs, and values are consistent with a growing appreciation for close friendship. Increasingly, friends are represented in serious ways in popular culture, and scholars, too, are more often turning their attention to the study of friends. What they are finding is impressive. For example, in a study of more than 300,000 adults from 99 nations, people who valued friendship more were happier, healthier, and more satisfied with their lives. Embracing Single Life Does Not Mean Disparaging Marriage Discussions of the decades-long decrease in the percentage of married people and the equally longstanding increase in the percentage of lifelong single people have focused overwhelmingly on the former. Why, it is asked, are rates of marriage declining? That’s a marriage-centered way of thinking. Too often neglected is the singles-centered perspective that instead asks why so many people are staying single. That framing invites the possibility that many people are embracing single life for what it has to offer, not settling for single life because they never found The One. I call those people single at heart. As I've noted elsewhere, "Many single people are flourishing because they take advantage of the freedom and autonomy they often have in their lives, as well as the opportunities to live psychologically rich and meaningful lives. They flourish because of the skills they master, the solitude they savor, the people they value, and the love and intimacy they enjoy." The people whom the single at heart value most are often their friends. They are also more likely than people who are not single at heart to value work that is meaningful. In those ways, they are living the values that most adults in the U.S., married or not, see as the keys to a fulfilling life. Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. - Website - Book

Remain confident in your value, no matter how a date goes. It may be best to show interest in finding love, but not desperately search for it. We should aim to be confident in our value regardless of the result of a date. Dating does not have to be hard work; when it is taken lightly, it can be enjoyable. “You don't find love, it finds you.” —Anais Nin Finding a suitable romantic partner has become complex in contemporary society, not because there are not enough candidates, but because there are too many of them. A major issue in this respect is how exactly we search for love. Being too serious and desperate is counterproductive. Random Answers Here are several random responses (taken from Reddit) to the saying: “If you stop looking for love, it will come naturally.” “This saying suggests you just live your life and don't put all your energy into looking.” “Learn to be happy with yourself, focus on being the best version of yourself and it will happen.” “Honestly, I disagree. I think the more accurate concept is: don’t try to force anything that isn’t there.” "Don't focus on finding the right person, focus on being the right person." “People will be more interested if you are not desperate.” “You can’t just sit there and expect the love of your life to suddenly show up with a smooch and chocolate cake.” “It only works if you're at least an average looking woman or attractive man.” “If it were true, I'd have a lot of love by now, given that I’ve never looked for it. But nope, I have none.” “Actively searching for love can be seen as ‘creepy’ or ‘weird.’" Searching for Love “Desperation is unattractive. People naturally want someone supportive and strong in a relationship, and if you are living your life happy, busy, and single, more people will be drawn to you because you fit that description better.” —SlavaBogo The advice to call off the romantic search stems from unpleasant dating experiences and their poor success rate. The road leading to love has many seductive romantic options but finding the optimal one is often frustrating. This may make hopeful daters desperate and hurtful, and in doing so perhaps become "unattractive" and likely to make bad choices. People want a partner who will help generate a flourishing relationship where partners bring out the best in each other. A desperate and needy person cannot do so. The advice to stop looking for love refers to how we find it—not to the romantic experience itself. The claim is that improving your dating behavior may make the road leading to love more pleasant, and the results better. There are various ways to improve our search for love (see here). One such way is increasing the partner’s interest; another is enhancing the agent’s own self-esteem. Increasing the Partner’s Interest "Don't play hard to get, play hard to forget." —Drake “If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them." —Michael Bassey Johnson One way of improving our romantic search is increasing the prospective partner’s interest in us. Two common tactics are playing hard to get and generating jealousy from our partner. These tactics, which are often more useful to women, are intended to make potential partners desire us more. When we play hard to get, we indicate that we are less interested in someone than we really are; this lack of enthusiasm may boost our prospective partner’s efforts to get this seemingly hard to get person. Similarly, generating a moderate jealousy in our partner may enhance our value, since we seem to be desired by other people. The tactics of playing hard to get and generating jealousy require deceiving and manipulating others. Although they may be useful in dating at times, and to a lesser extent in ongoing relationships, their value is temporary and limited (see here). Making the Road More Pleasant “I enjoy dating when I’m actually out on a date. The looking and pursuing part sucks.” —A woman Being too enthusiastic and purposeful in the search for love is counterproductive, since we may be perceived as worthless and desperate. The advice to stop looking for love does not focus on enhancing the partner’s interest, but rather on the agent’s own behavior and in particular, on enhancing the agent’s calmness and self-esteem, both of which are valuable in dating and romantic relationships. The idea that we should stop looking for love also has a deceptive aspect, since people do really want love. However, this attitude does not involve deceiving others, but rather negatively evaluating the price of a desperate search and its likely negative results. Nevertheless, playing hard to get is more valuable than completely calling off the search for love. This is because it is more restricted in scope and enables revising the decision at any time, since the agent has greater control on the situation. Notwithstanding the advantages of hiding your worries, expressing a positive attitude is valuable as well. Take, for example, the case of afterglow, the good feeling that lingers after pleasurable sexual experiences—a kind of intense shining that is both attractive and infectious. Research suggests that even more than the effects of orgasm, sexual afterglow determines how people feel about their sexual partner (Meltzer et al., 2017; Ben-Ze’ev, 2023). Indeed, a married woman said, “While having an affair, I was sexually aroused and began to notice other men noticing me. Even my husband was more attracted to me. When it rains, it pours” (see here). In the same way that men notice sexually aroused women, people notice romantically desperate people and stay away from them. Showing Interest but Not Desperately Searching “If you explicitly go to parties to meet a partner, you're going to come off as desperate and not meet anyone. If you just live your best life, be content by yourself, do fun and interesting things, hang out where other people are, THEN people will be interested in you.” —Unknown Coping with the dilemma of looking for love requires distinguishing between searching for love and an interest in love. Dictionary definitions of “searching” refer to the intention to find the often-hidden truth in a determined, complete and serious manner. Definitions of “interest” typically refer to enjoyable activity associated with the wish to learn more. What underlies the wish to find love is not the frustrating search for the hidden truth, but rather, the wish to learn more about the partner while enjoying the road, and being happy with your own lot. You should be confident in your value regardless of the result of the date. As it has been said, “Confidence isn’t ‘They will like me,’ it’s ‘I’m perfectly fine if they don’t’”. Your life and self-esteem do not depend on what happens on the date. Worries of disappointment in dating can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are confident of your value, you are less judgmental and biased and consequently more likely to succeed. Taking oneself lightly is extremely attractive, and is often associated with humor, thereby helping coping with minor misfortunes, such as an unsuccessful date. As G. K. Chesterton eloquently puts it, "Angels fly because they take themselves lightly." Taking oneself lightly is associated with calmness, which is essential in flourishing romantic relationships (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; and here). We should not give up on the idea of love, but we should also not immerse ourselves in a serious, laborious search to find the one and only. Dating does not have to be hard work; when it is taken lightly, it can be quite enjoyable and successful. Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., References Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). The arc of love: How our romantic lives change over time. Chicago University Press. Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2023). “Is casual sex good for you? Casualness, seriousness and wellbeing in Intimate relationships.” Philosophies, 8, 2023, 25. Birnbaum, G. E., Zholtack, K., & Reis, H. T. (2020). No pain, no gain: Perceived partner mate value mediates the desire-inducing effect of being hard to get during online and face-to-face encounters. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37, 2510-2528. ‏ Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., Hicks, L. L., French, J. E., McNulty, J. K., & Bradbury, T. N. (2017). Quantifying the sexual afterglow: The lingering benefits of sex and their implications for pair-bonded relationships. Psychological science, 28, 587-598.

and are we any better at it than computers? Humans read each other’s emotions with great enthusiasm, but not a lot of accuracy. Who hasn't been annoyed by the question: “What’s the matter?” If you answer, “Nothing, that’s just my face,” people strangely assume that they’re correct and you are grumpy. But we do this because we care, enormously, about other people’s intent. What do they mean, and what do they mean toward us? Are they friends or foes? Powerful or subservient? A potential mate, or not? And so on. The question that inevitably follows on this highly practical concern about other people’s feelings, is more philosophical. It comes perhaps first in that moment when someone’s response to an event surprise you because it’s different from your own. You wonder: “Is that other person experiencing the same event as me?” This leads to the more general question, “Do humans experience similar emotions, or are we all different?” Philosophy has come up with different answers over the years, but generally, the conclusion is that, on the whole, we’re incommensurate with one another. That’s a mouthful, but it means that your experience of last night’s football game was different than mine. Maybe I cared more about the home team than you did, or maybe I don’t care about football at all. Taking it a step further, think about individual words. If I say, “London” to you, you most likely get a mental picture of the great English city, but what is it based on? Have you been to London? I have, both as a tourist and on business; I’ve got a walking familiarity with the city. But someone who lives there will inevitably have a much more detailed, rich, and emotional response to the word London than either you or me. Here’s their favorite pub, here’s their usual Tube stop, here’s where they got fired from one job, here’s where they currently work—and on, and on. Can we say that the word London means the same thing to all of us? And yet, neuroscience is teaching us that we’re more alike than we are different. Recent work on brain scans, for example, can read human emotions with 90 percent accuracy. Researchers showed people pictures of unpleasant things— physical injuries , hate groups, and acts of aggression —and they found that people reacted in predictable ways. But more than that, they all reacted with pretty much the same brain patterns. We’re more alike than we are different. Similarly, work by a team of psychologists at Princeton University found that when a storyteller and a listener get together, their brain patterns match up identically. Stories take over our brains—and in the same ways. Human emotions are similar, and the brain patterns show it. As chief researcher Luke Chang put it, emotions have a neural signature which is essentially the same from human to human. This also suggests that artificial intelligence could learn to recognize these emotions with high accuracy, 90 percent so far. The "2001: A Space Odyssey" scenario is not as far off as we might like to think. And there’s one further implication, which is that the accuracy rate for computers is much higher than humans can manage. And here’s the kicker, higher even than humans can manage their own emotions. We’re not even very good at recognizing how we feel ourselves. Reading other peoples’ emotions, as well as our own, is essential for good communications, and public speaking. The research shows that we are more alike than different suggesting that humans can profitably learn to become more accurate at reading emotions and that the results might pay off in better communication for anyone who attempts it. Nick Morgan, Ph.D. References See the journal PLOS Biology. Chang et al., 2015.

Most relationships contain unstated assumptions. In therapy, I ask couples, “What does monogamy or polyamory or ethical nonmonogamy mean to both of you?" Gay male and lesbian couples tend to be better at talking openly about these things than are straight couples. Restrictions may be unreasonable, unfair, and unlikely to succeed if not negotiated from the beginning. When I first work with couples , I always ask about their relationship status regarding monogamy or open relationships. Are you monogamous? Do you have an open relationship? Are you polyamorous? Are you monogamish? (This is a term coined by sex-advice columnist Dan Savage.) After they tell me the status of their relationships, I ask them what the word means to them. Once I worked with a couple, and they told me they were monogamous. After a few months of working together, they returned from a trip and told me about a three-way they had with someone. I responded by saying to them that they told me they were monogamous. They responded by saying, “We are monogamous; we only play together on vacations.” So, now, I ask my couples, “What does monogamy or polyamory or ethical nonmonogamy mean to both of you?” I have often noticed that when I ask couples who are monogamous if they have negotiated their monogamy, they look at me with great confusion. They think that question should only be for couples who are open and engage in ethical nonmonogamy. But this is far from true. I then ask these questions: Can they flirt with others? Can they have an occasional dinner with an ex? Can they enjoy socializing with others without the partner present? Can they privately watch porn? Can they have cybersex outside the relationship as long as they never meet physically? How about private masturbation? Can they have a relationship with someone on Instagram whom they will never meet? Often one partner says, “No, absolutely not, we are monogamous” while the other partner says, “Well, I don’t know; those things sound like monogamy to me.” This brings clarity to the need for all couples to negotiate their agreements within their relationship in overt ways and not assume. Gay male couples tend to be much better at talking openly about these things than are straight couples and even many lesbian couples. I’m not sure why this is less prevalent among straight couples, but I’m reasonably certain that if couples had negotiated which behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t, it certainly would cut down on the number of couples who come into my office deeply upset because some unstated boundary was violated. Then there’s the question of just how far to go in either limiting a partner’s behavior or limiting one’s own behavior. Former Vice President Mike Pence has made it clear that he considers even having lunch with a female colleague ethically off-limits. Whether this is something he and his wife (whom he calls “Mother”) have negotiated isn’t clear, but it does seem a rather severe restriction for someone in public office. What Is Micro-cheating? Mostly because of the prevalence of social media in our lives today, we now have the emergence of a term that is further dialing up such hypervigilance in relationships. It’s been dubbed “micro-cheating.” The opinions seem to be that we need to be watching for such dangerous behaviors as these: Casually flirting with someone other than one’s partner Having an online conversation with someone and failing to mention it to one’s partner Spending time looking at online images of an attractive person such as an actor Looking for too long at someone who is attractive on the street or in the office Repeatedly liking someone’s posts on social media (even if they live in Siberia!) Having ongoing conversations with an ex or someone other than one’s partner Spending money on another person Failing to tell someone who appears interested in you that you’re in a relationship Exchanging emails with someone who is not one’s partner Spending time with people outside the couple’s circle of friends Hugging someone other than one’s partner Masturbating or watching porn alone Most people I’ve seen online promoting this concept of micro-cheating pose it as an “open door” to more serious acts of unfaithfulness. Is it? I do think it’s a healthy idea at the start of a relationship to talk about what “monogamy” means to each partner and to occasionally reconfirm what the boundaries are. However, it’s hard for me to imagine one partner saying to the other outside of a therapy room, “Let’s talk about what we mean by monogamy,” without this being met with a firestorm of suspicion and a crisis in the relationship. Gay Male Couples Gay males often talk about what they want sexually and romantically immediately in their dating apps. They often don’t wait for even the first date to be clear about what they want and are looking for. It is a cultural norm that is mostly accepted. A typical personal ad looking for Mr. Right can read like this: I am into topping but will bottom every once in a while. I am into various kinks and fetishes and am open to yours as well. I like to masturbate and enjoy going having hookups now and then in addition to a romantic love with whom we go to movies, long walks, travel, and make a life together as a couple. This would be met with great scrutiny if heterosexual singles put this same ad on their dating profiles. In my therapy practice, couples have come in, for instance, because the wife has discovered that her husband has been watching porn, and she feels very threatened. She wants me to label him a sex addict or to somehow get me to control this behavior. But most often I find that his porn watching is no indication he wants to be unfaithful or is going to be. So, then the couple is, as the therapist Marty Klein has said, fighting over a contract that they never made. The couple’s office visit, then, offers an opportunity to begin a safer discussion about realistic and unrealistic boundaries and let me help them negotiate. We can, for example, raise the question, “Does the fact that his porn watching makes you uncomfortable mean that he absolutely must stop?” According to the online presenters I’ve seen about micro-cheating, the answer is “Yes.” The reality, though, is that such an expectation might be unreasonable, unfair, and unlikely to succeed if it is not something you negotiated from the beginning. I think of relationship expert, Ellyn Bader who says, “Forbidding a partner invites secrecy.” It can become a power play—which partner will restrict the other person’s physical and mental activity, their actions, and their thoughts? The question becomes, “How much power do you or should you have over your partner?” And even “How much power do you want to have over them?” I have found that, when it comes to sex, these types of power plays get enacted much more than outside of that realm. If someone says, "I forbid porn to be watched by my partner," I will ask if they have other places where they “forbid” a partner, and the answer is often no. This is a question I learned to ask by relationship expert Esther Perel who invites couples into these conversations. There is another approach I heard from a friend who said: “It’s OK to look at and smell all the good things on a smorgasbord, but you’d better eat your meal at home.” This way of thinking works well for some couples—especially if they’ve talked about it—and not at all for others. I know for certain that every couple is quite different in how they approach and resolve the questions surrounding the idea of monogamy. Maybe one of the good things that thinking about micro-cheating is that it begs the question, “Have you negotiated your monogamy?” And it certainly shines a spotlight on the possibility that women can be as guilty of this as men, while in the past it has mostly been women who have claimed to be the victims. So, at least for me, this idea of micro-cheating and clearly negotiating monogamy brings up more questions than answers. What are your thoughts? Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW, - Website -

The focus on academic achievement robs kids of the chance to build life skills. The pressure to excel turns troublesome when kids feel their self-worth is contingent on perfect grades. Children need free play and independent activities to develop autonomy and resilience. Taking chances helps kids cultivate courage and build confidence. My son Marty started middle school by handing in half-finished summer homework. A school administrator reviewed his work and told me he would be in the intermediate math class. “The regular group is great,” I said. “I never hear parents say that.” Later, a mom asked about Marty’s placement and suggested a solution. As if there was a problem. “A tutor can get him to the top,” she said. “If he isn’t accelerated now, he might not make AP classes in high school.” In my neighborhood of top-performing schools and intense parental pressure, kids are put on a path to achieve early and often. “Parents have bet big that the most secure route to a successful life is through acceptance at a highly selective college. So, parents feel pressure to make their kids a success [and] safeguard their status,” Jennifer B. Wallace, author of Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It, wrote in an email exchange. But the effort it takes to secure a child’s future can do more harm than good. Academic achievement “…is a kind of life vest to keep kids afloat. But this very life vest is drowning too many of the kids it is [designed] to protect,” Ms. Wallace wrote. Our system is out of whack. When only exceptional will do Moms in my neighborhood know what it takes to win. They went to the country’s most competitive colleges and have carved out careers in courtrooms, boardrooms, and sales offices as partners, managing directors, and CEOs. Now they’re trying to pass achievement down to their preschoolers who are so advanced, they’re bored. “Ezra isn’t challenged in pre-K,” one mom who started a successful business said at a bowling party where the lanes were lined with bumpers so little kids could get a strike. “I’m supplementing with science and extra math.” “Jack is the same,” another mom said. “He’s reading. Play-Doh and picture books are dull.” After school, chess has replaced tag. Kindergarteners can castle, but they can’t tie their own shoes. First graders read Harry Potter, but they’ve never heard of hopscotch. Middle schoolers prep for college. “I have patients in 8th or 9th grade who think about college admissions,” said Dr. Rachel Busman, senior director of the child and adolescent anxiety program at Cognitive and Behavioral Consultants. “[Kids say] ‘if I don’t take all of these AP classes, I’m not going to get into a good school.’” Anything below the top is perceived to be the bottom, and kids get the message that if their grades aren’t stellar, they are subpar. So, middle schoolers who should be outside testing fate with abandon are sitting at desks, supervised, and perhaps scolded. “I see very few kids with free time after school,” said Busman. “Kids need more balance [but] that would necessitate a whole culture shift.” Evolution makes that complicated. An age-old battle for the best Parents seek what they believe will secure a child’s prospects. In the Stone Age, it was the skill to spear a wooly mammoth. Today, it’s grades to get into an elite school. “You don’t want your genes to be losers,” said Dr. Frank McAndrew, a psychologist at Knox College who studies behavior from an evolutionary perspective. Selective schools signal status. And parents pursue positions at the top of the pecking order. But standing on the pinnacle is precarious, and families who appear secure may feel frantic. “Status is relative. If you’re already at the top—there’s a long way you can fall," McAndrew said. "The risk of your children being less successful than you appears very real, and that insecurity drives you. We’re walking around with caveman brains in a modern world.” This mismatch clouds our ability to see what kids need today. Research like this study found that children spend so much time studying and participating in adult-supervised activities that they aren’t developing the autonomy and inner strength to thrive in life. “Parents have an idea that they want their kid to succeed and the only way to ensure that is to control what they do,” said Dr. Emily Loeb, a clinical psychologist who works with adolescents and college kids. But her research shows that backfires. “Kids don’t learn to think for themselves," she explained. "They don’t take risks and they fear making mistakes." In the desire that our offspring dominate, we’re not doing our kids any favors. When there's no freedom to fail I taught journalism to graduate students at Columbia University, one of the country’s most competitive schools. A major topic of conversation at faculty meetings, was how to handle increasing anxiety among our students and their pursuit of perfection. One day, a top student stopped by my office and sobbed. “I don’t know what to do,” she said. I thought there was a death in her family. “Take a deep breath,” I said. “You’ll get through this.” “I want my story to be perfect,” she said. “But I’m not producing anything good.” I encouraged her to focus on a first draft, not the finish line. “You’re just getting started,” I said. “It’s OK to struggle and make mistakes.” But students experienced glitches like catastrophes. Most were obsessed with outcomes. “Professor, tell me exactly what I need to do to get an A,” I heard often. Kids couldn’t cope when their best wasn’t good enough for a top grade on every. single. project. They didn’t understand that the road to success includes unexpected snags and setbacks that derail us. “Kids have been deprived of learning how to deal with uncertainty,” said Dr. Camilo Ortiz, a professor of clinical psychology at Long Island University, who treats children with anxiety conditions. His research shows that kids need more freedom and exposure to what he calls the 4D’s: danger, distress, discomfort and disappointment to become self-confident and resilient. Too many kids “fall apart if things don’t go the way they expect,” he said. My mother didn't anticipate that I would cover the 2nd Intifada in the Gaza Strip. Getting out of my own comfort zone gave me the chance to cultivate courage and become brave. I wanted my students to get accustomed to uncertain outcomes, so I assigned projects that required risk. “The unknown is a sacred space,” I said. “Struggling through uncertainty is how we become brave and bold, no matter the outcome.” The more chances my students took, the more confident they became. Success is a journey, not a destination When I was Marty’s age, I was mediocre. My mom didn’t expect me to become a war reporter or a college professor. When I couldn’t figure out physics in high school, that didn’t disappoint my dad, an aerospace engineer who built rockets for NASA. “Find what you love,” he said. “It’s not math." I didn’t spend time after school with a tutor to get to the next step. I walked into the world on my own. I searched for my strengths and learned to strive. My road to success has been filled with tears, mistakes and a bit of bad luck. I don't want my son to feel his future is at stake at 11 years old. As I wrote in this blog, for five years Marty struggled with undiagnosed Celiac disease. He’s starting 6th grade in a tough spot, after missing months of school. “I didn’t learn long division,” Marty said. “I’m behind.” “There’s no finish line,” I said. “Recovering from setbacks takes time.” The cavewoman in me wants to pressure my kid to cram. But I know what he needs isn’t stress to appear superior. It’s the freedom to find his way, even when that comes at the cost of straight A’s. Epilogue The other night Marty did half of his math homework. “I’m finished,” he said. He picked up his iPhone and watched chef Nick DiGiovanni cook. “Let’s try this lollipop lamb recipe,” Marty said. I encouraged him to do one more math problem, and then we cooked. The first step was homemade butter, but we made a big mistake. We used a juicer instead of a food processor. “It’s not working,” I said, scooping white mush out of the blender. “Let’s forget this recipe.” “Don’t give up Mom,” Marty said. “So what if it isn’t perfect?” Maybe feeling fearless in the kitchen is more valuable than handing in flawless homework. Becky Diamond - Website -

Receiving an autism diagnosis at any age can be life-transforming. People are increasingly being diagnosed with autism in adulthood. Older adults sometimes question whether it is worthwhile seeking out a diagnosis. An autism diagnosis later in life can help people gain awareness about their past. An autism diagnosis later in life can help people identify their needs and adapt behaviors accordingly. I work with clients from their late teens into their late 70s. One question some of my older clients ask, particularly those over the age of 60, is whether there’s any point in pursuing an autism diagnosis at their age. After all, they’ve already lived an entire life without knowing. The reality is that living with undiagnosed autism is challenging. Many undiagnosed autistic adults, particularly older adults who grew up in an era of increased ignorance and reduced acceptance of autism, camouflage their autistic traits heavily. Camouflaging, or masking, involves hiding the traits that are most likely to reveal you as autistic and hiding the levels of anxiety and discomfort you experience in social situations and as the result of sensory or emotional overwhelm. Camouflaging is linked with mental health issues, including anxiety, depression , and suicidality.1 So while these older adults have gotten through life thus far, it’s often been tough to do so. Receiving a diagnosis offers the potential of a life where you recognize and respect your needs as different and valid. It allows you to re-evaluate past experiences—perhaps, for example, being bullied and ostracized for being different, which is commonly experienced by autistic people. 2 A diagnosis also allows you to access the correct type of medical and therapeutic support and can help you better explain your experiences to your friends and colleagues. Some of my clients who have received a diagnosis later in life have shared the impact of their diagnosis with me. Mandy, 62, told me, “I have truly never felt the way I do now. It’s as if I’ve been waiting all my life for something and now I have it. It’s down to feeling validated and understanding all these parts of my past that had been a mystery up until now.” Sarah, 74, described the change in her life since being diagnosed as autistic. “I don’t really have the words to describe how the diagnosis has changed my life. It’s everything. I can breathe easier. I’m kinder to myself. I’ve stopped putting myself out there all the time for my adult children and I take time for my interests. I feel like I can make this phase of my life one of the best.” Anthea, 76, told me, “I didn’t tell a soul I was going for a diagnosis. I was terrified about the whole process. I thought people would think I was ridiculous at my age. I thought I was ridiculous! But knowing I’m autistic is the single best thing I’ve ever done. I’m finally learning to be kind to myself, to accept myself. And that’s huge, after a whole lifetime of thinking I’m a failure.” A diagnosis at any stage in life doesn’t always provide what autistic people might expect, particularly concerning accessing post-diagnostic support, including therapy. In addition, accessing a diagnosis isn’t always easy. Yet as my clients’ experience above reveals, it can create a significant shift in perspective, which often leads to self-awareness and supportive changes in behavior. If the issue that’s holding you back from pursuing a diagnosis is your age, don’t let it be. Age shouldn’t be a barrier to improving your quality of life. Claire Jack, Ph.D., - Website - References 1. Beck, J. S., Lundwall, R. A., Gabrielsen, T., Cox, J. C., & South, M. (2020). Looking good but feeling bad: “Camouflaging” behaviors and mental health in women with autistic traits. Autism, 24(4), 809-821. 2. Neil Humphrey & Judith Hebron (2015) Bullying of children and adolescents with autism spectrum conditions: a ‘state of the field’ review, International Journal of Inclusive Education, 19:8, 845-862, DOI: 10.1080/13603116.2014.981602

Schedule a time to worry. It sounds crazy, but it works. Paradoxically, scheduling a time every day to worry reduces worrying. Do your scheduled worrying at the same time and place for up to 30 minutes. At other times, postpone thinking about worries until the next scheduled worry time. The first two posts in this series about worry discussed ways to distinguish helpful, adaptive worrying (“3 Ways to Tell If Worry Is Helpful") from unhelpful, maladaptive worrying ("5 Signs That Worry Is Not Helpful"). This post teaches you a proven worry-reduction technique: scheduled daily worrying. Hold on. It sounds crazy, but contrary to what you might expect, scheduling time to deliberately worry reduces worry’s impact on your brain. Benefits of Scheduled Worry Psychologist researchers Sarah McGowan, Ph.D., and Evelyn Behar, Ph.D., measured levels of worry, anxiety , and insomnia . Study participants spent 30 minutes writing down their worries daily at a chosen time and place. Guess what happened? Pesky, intrusive worries became less frequent. Even better, when worries did intrude, they didn’t hijack the brain. The worry thoughts were less upsetting. People were less anxious, less worried, and had less insomnia. How It Works Follow these simple guidelines. Choose a time: Select a time when you will worry for 30 minutes. Research has studied worrying for 30 minutes, but some of my clients benefit from 15 minutes. See what works for you. You may need more time at first or during stressful times. Choose a place: Research recommends doing your worry time in the same place every day. This helps worrying from becoming associated with that one place instead of showing up everywhere. Set a timer: This lets you give your full attention to worrying. You do not have to keep track of the time. The timer will tell you when to stop. Write down your worries : On paper or a computer, write every worry you can think of, big or little, past, present, or future. Do not be rational or reassuring. Do not make plans based on your worries. Do not question, challenge, or evaluate your worries. Your job is to listen to the part of your brain that is worrying and put the worries into words on paper. If no more worries come to mind: Keep writing the last worry until some other worry comes to mind or your scheduled time for the day ends. When worry time ends: Move away from your worry place. Go do something else. If worries pop up at other times: Make a note of the worry. Promise to give it your attention during the next scheduled worry time. Then return your attention to what you are doing. Repeat this as often as needed. If worries come in the middle of the night: Keep your phone or a pen and paper next to the bed. If you wake up and start worrying, quickly write the worries. Promise to give them your undivided attention at the next worry time. Then roll over and go back to sleep. Keep your promise: During your next worry time, start writing focusing on any worry that came to mind since your last scheduled worry time. Why Is It Important to Keep Your Promise? Because if you tell the part of your brain that is worrying that you will listen to it later—but you don’t—it gets louder and more insistent. You are postponing worries to the scheduled time, not pushing them aside entirely or trying to make them stop. Pushing worries away, also known as “thought-stopping,” makes upsetting thoughts more intrusive and distressing. See Wegner’s research for details. Can I Just Think About My Worries? It seems much more effective to write the worries rather than think about them during the daily worry time. Physical writing (or typing) seems important for several reasons: Writing something takes more attention. Writing uses more of the brain than thinking or even saying something. Writing something down quite literally gives you “distance” and a different perspective on the thought. Summary Scheduled worry time is an unexpected—but effective—way to reduce intrusive worries. Follow these nine steps: Choose a time to worry. Choose a place to worry. Set a timer for 15-30 minutes. Write down your worries. If no more worries come to mind, keep writing the last worry. When worry time ends, move to another place and activity. If a worry pops up at other times, promise to listen to it during the next worry time. If worries come in the middle of the night, jot them down, promise to pay attention to them during the worry time, then go back to sleep. Start the next worry time writing any worries that came up. Try it for a week or two. You may be happily surprised. Elizabeth McMahon, Ph.D., - Website - References McGowan, S. K., & Behar, E. (2013). A preliminary investigation of stimulus control training for worry: effects on anxiety and insomnia. Behavior modification, 37(1), 90–112. McMahon, E. (2019). Overcoming Anxiety and Panic interactive guide. San Francisco, CA: Hands-on-Guide. Wegner, D. (1994). White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obsession, and the Psychology of Mental Control. The Guilford Press.

Here are examples of friendship betrayals and how they affect us. People have expectations of friendship, including support, respect, loyalty, reciprocity, or connection. A sense of betrayal exists because the expectations of friendship are violated. When a friend betrays us, it can cause a range of negative emotions , including shock, loss, and grief . At their best, friendships can be wonderful bonds, staving off feelings of loneliness and boredom and fostering a sense of belonging, care, and trust. At their worst, however, betrayal, exploitation, and manipulation by friends form constant threats to not only one's self-esteem but one's worldview, too. Feeling betrayed, defined as "harmed by intentional actions of people we trust" (Rachman, 2010), can include a host of friendship behaviors. These actions can be wide and varied so long as they include an emotional impact. This might include: A friend is sharing your private conversation with others. This might create a deep fissure in what we may choose to continue saying to that friend and a sense that our trust has been broken. If the friend offers an explanation for why they've shared private information with others, it may offer some reprieve, but the sense that they may not be trustworthy may still linger. If they do not explain, this only furthers a sense of unease. A friend is not supporting an important milestone. Achieving important milestones, like work promotions, weddings, or reaching a specific goal , requires effort and dedication. A friend who does not show support can suggest that either they don't care enough about the person or the friendship or that they may not actually want the best for us, causing emotional distancing. A friend is refusing to recognize or apologize for an action that may have hurt you. When we have clarified to a friend that their words or actions have hurt us and they dismiss, deny, or refuse to recognize the impact of their actions, feeling invalidated, disregarded, and questioning the friendship are normal responses. A friend who only fosters your friendship when it's convenient for them. For instance, a friend who only wants to get together at a place close to them or requires you to pick them up might make you feel like your goodwill or generosity is being taken advantage of. While a friendship based on one-sided convenience may not be "intentional," the refusal of reciprocity can certainly cause the giving friend a sense of frustration and a perceived imbalance in actions or gestures of the friendship, in essence, asking themselves: "If they wanted to [fill in the blank], they would." A friend who refuses a reasonable request for support. A friend refusing a reasonable request for support may cause a sense of betraying expectations of friendship, particularly of reciprocity, if we may have helped a friend in similar ways. There are four ways of showing social support, which may all bring about a similar sense of betrayal: Emotional: Showing care and empathy, like offering a shoulder to cry on, for instance. Instrumental: Offering tangible support, like giving a friend's resume for an open position at work or bringing groceries to a friend with a broken leg. Informational: Giving helpful advice when needed, like talking a friend through a problem they may be facing. Appraisal: Offering information that might help a friend positively self-evaluate, like encouraging them to apply for a job, even if they may not have all the qualifications. Among all of these examples, a sense of betrayal exists because the expectations of friendship—support, respect, loyalty, shared moral standards, honesty, reciprocity, or genuine connection—are violated. The resulting feelings may be feelings of exploitation, manipulation, or worse yet, a sense of self-doubt (asking "why me"). In fact, betrayal trauma can also cause negative beliefs about our own sense of safety and trust on a wider scale. According to Rachman's research, being betrayed can cause considerable distress, with wide-ranging effects including shock, loss and grief, morbid preoccupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, and anger . In effect, betrayal in friendships drains one's mental, emotional, and physical energy by searching for ways to navigate the newly arisen complexities of maintaining bonds with people who have not upheld the same definition of what it means to be a friend. Thus, we may not fundamentally trust if we want to maintain the friendship. If, upon reading this, you find yourself evaluating a friendship, consider taking some space . Mariana Bockarova, Ph.D. - Website - References Rachman, S. (2010). Betrayal: A psychological analysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(4), 304-311.

How much are our own attitudes and behaviors contributing to the problem? Rates of depression and anxiety have been rising among young people for decades. Depression is characterized by negative views of yourself, the world around you, and the future. Complaining is easy, finding solutions is harder but more productive. If we want young people to feel better about the world, we better step up our game. One of the latest topics in our 24-hour news cycle is how depressed young Americans are becoming. Whether you are looking at rates of anxiety , depression, or suicide, teens are disproportionately affected. Theories about the causes of this trend abound and include loneliness caused by Covid, alienation caused by social media, overly involved parents who undermine their children’s resilience, and lifestyle changes. Both depression and anxiety are strongly related to the way we think about the things that are happening to us. Aaron Beck, a psychiatrist known for his groundbreaking research on mood disorders postulated that depression stems from three cognitive factors he referred to as the cognitive triad. These include negative beliefs about yourself, the world around you, and the future. So, what if we tried to determine what it is about this moment in history that is causing so many of our young people to feel so hopeless. Negative beliefs about yourself: Part of moving from youth to adulthood involves developing the academic, social, and employment skills necessary to become independent. This is certainly nothing new, but in our technological world many young people find themselves training until well into their 20s to prepare for their career of choice. During this time, they often remain dependent on their family for economic and social support and are constantly being told that their worth as a person depends on their educational attainments and career success. Other youth find themselves trying to compete on this economic playing field without the education and family resources necessary to be competitive. In the meantime, they are being exposed to a relentless parade of people on social media who seem to be more attractive, more accomplished, and more successful than they are. If you can never live up to the expectations of your parents, schools, employers, and peers and are constantly comparing yourself to impossible social media standards, it is hard to view yourself positively. While teens have always had to develop their own identity and independence, I would argue that this was easier to do when you were comparing yourself to the real people around you rather than photoshopped influencers. Negative beliefs about those around you: In their quest to figure out their own goals, teens obsessively observe the people around them. If they see their parents struggling to climb the corporate ladder, or working excessively to stay in place, they may assume that their own efforts won’t pay off either or that the environment we live in is so unfair that it isn’t worth trying to get ahead. While social problems, political conflict, and distrust of leaders is nothing new, our 24-hour news cycle certainly makes every wrinkle in the system glaringly apparent. When you throw in deliberate misinformation and the disintegration of trust in institutions, including religious organizations, universities, scientific research, and corporations, it is not surprising that many young people feel as though there is no one they can trust. But what is new is not the corruption but rather our constant exposure to it. By today’s standards, it is amazing to think that the general population didn’t know that FDR used a wheelchair, that John F. Kennedy had affairs while living in the White House, that many institutions simply covered up the poor behaviors of their employees, or that our military actions were not always valorous. While it is common for pundits to argue that prior generations were braver than youth today, they often ignore the fact that it was much easier to feel proud about your country's actions when news was censored to provide only positive views of what happened. For example, during WWII, the blitz of London was portrayed as evidence of the Nazi’s evil intent and bravery of the British. The extent of the Allied blitz on the city of Dresden was not shown, although the city was virtually leveled and civilian casualties were higher than those in London, when calculated as a percentage of the total population. Negative beliefs about the future: Today’s teens are living their lives surrounded by stories of economic crises, catastrophic climate change, and atrocities occurring around the world. So perhaps it is not surprising that many are concerned about the viability of their future. Close to 60% of young adults say that they worry about having children because of climate change, many fear they will never pay off their student loans or own a house, and most don’t trust the adults who are now in charge to make any meaningful improvements in the outlook. But is this true? Are their prospects any worse than those of prior generations? Materially, we live easier lives than virtually any other population in the history of the world. We do face major issues in terms of rectifying social and racial inequities, and the complexity of the global economy makes it hard to understand, never mind predict, how things will turn out. But viewed on a large scale, human rights worldwide are improving, we have put in place social safety nets like Medicare and Social Security, which were not available in this country only a 100 years ago, and even the millennials are outrunning the prediction that they would never be able to build prosperous lives for themselves because they came of age during an economic decline. Fear, anxiety, proactive coping, and optimism in the sense of meeting, not ignoring, challenges can be learned and taught. We all need to become media-literate, and to consciously question the constant flow of information. We can insist that our media outlets be more responsible (solutions journalism), and we need to think more logically and less emotionally about social media. As with most technology, we developed and deployed it without thinking about the long-term consequences. But even this isn’t new. We developed medical techniques to keep gravely ill people alive before we started grappling with quality-of-life issues. We produced and used nuclear weapons before clearly addressing the ethical issues involved. But since the impact of technology and social media has been quieter and more insidious than a bomb, the impact has been more difficult to detect and combat. That doesn’t mean we can’t consciously choose to manage its impact on our lives, and to talk, explicitly and frequently, to our kids about its value and its problems. If we want our young people to feel better about the world, we better step up our game. It is always easier to criticize and complain than it is to find solutions to problems. It is always easier to romanticize the past or to demonize the future than it is to put in the effort to effect meaningful change in the present, in the real world. The young people around us may have more years ahead of them than we do, but they don’t always know how to put things into perspective or to strategize about solving problems. Just as you can’t change the political landscape if you don’t vote, you can’t make the world better if you sit on the sidelines and complain. If we want the next generation to be more proactive and resilient, we have to show them how to do that and why it matters to them, the people around them, and the future. Mary McNaughton-Cassill, Ph.D., - Website -

Apply your strengths to land work that you love. ADHD brains are motivated for things that interest them. Certain careers keep people with ADHD more engaged and productive than others. Informational interviewing, although intimidating, can help you learn about different professions. Nurture resilience by recalling and focusing on previous successes. Many older teens and emerging adults struggle with figuring out what profession to pursue. You may feel pressure to earn a certain amount of money or find a career with a particular status. But this may not be the best approach. Of course, you need to consider your salary and your opportunities in a given field. But it’s more useful at the beginning of this process if you can zoom out and consider what you actually like to do. Given that many people with ADHD wrestle with staying focused and engaged in activities that don’t interest them, reflecting on what captivates you before thinking about other aspects of a career points you in a direction of real possibilities. If you don’t like a subject or task, there may not be much longevity in that career for you. How to Identify a Good Career Fit Start by asking yourself these questions: What grabs my attention? When do I stay focused? When am I the least overwhelmed or distractible? What brings me pleasure either in my free time, when I am studying, or when I am working? What activities or tasks make me happy when I’m doing them? What have I enjoyed or found tolerable related to work in the past? If I had three wishes for myself related to a profession, what would those be? What negative messages do I tell myself that thwart me before I even begin on this path? Once you have some answers, it’s time to reflect on your executive functioning strengths and challenges. There are several work-related challenges for people with ADHD. First, time management, related to the common ADHD issue of time blindness, can be a real struggle. It’s tough to arrive at meetings or events promptly, to meet deadlines, and to estimate correctly how long something will take. Second, focus may be a stumbling block. Distractibility and being able to direct the spotlight of your attention to sustain concentration on a tedious or less-than-compelling task will affect your ability to complete things. Last, supervisors want to see productivity and consistent performance. When you struggle with impulse control, organization, wandering attention, or prioritizing, you're more apt to become easily overwhelmed or procrastinate. It’s harder to order the tasks in front of you and decide what’s most important to accomplish. Getting the support, you need to shore up your executive functioning challenges is a key step towards finding and sticking with a career that fits your ADHD brain. In fact, research has shown a link between job control (what you do and how you do it) and social support as key factors in creating effective work environments for people with ADHD. Jobs can be divided into two categories: those with structure and those without it. Structured jobs include teaching, social work, working in the food service industry, nursing, emergency care ( EMT, firefighter, police officer ), or technology. Less structured jobs generally include journalism, therapy or coaching, the arts, or running your own small business. The main difference is that structured jobs have clear roles, defined job tasks, and built-in routines. Unstructured jobs are more flexible. It’s important that you consider which type of environment suits you best or fits well with your ADHD brain. Which type of lifestyle and responsibilities would suit you? Now, of the jobs that interested you from the reflection exercise above, do you know anyone who works in one of those fields? Who might your friends, family members, teachers, or advisors know? Is there a career or alumni office at your school that could assist you in making these connections? Beginning to explore professional avenues means exploring a network of folks for informational interviewing. Informational interviewing—talking with people who do work that seems appealing to you for 15 to 20 minutes about their career paths—can be super helpful in getting a clearer picture of what someone does in their job and how they got to their position. You may be thinking, “No way—I am not talking to people I don’t know.” Many people with ADHD experience social anxiety, which would make this step particularly difficult. That’s why you need to take this slowly, do your research, and engage in networking. When you’ve asked someone for a short, informational meeting, create your questions in advance and write them down. Under stress, it’s harder for folks with ADHD to recall information, so give yourself the support you need. Of course, it’s natural to feel nervous or uncomfortable, so practice your questions with a coach, therapist, friend, mentor, or caring family member. This practice is essential to lowering your anxiety by increasing your familiarity with such conversations. Living with an ADHD brain means planning can be tricky. Yet, it’s essential to prepare for your meeting. Expect to feel awkward and strategize how to manage it in advance so you’re not thrown off when those feelings arise. Talking with people who practice a variety of roles in different professions will assist you in understanding what’s entailed in doing the actual work of a job and the different journeys people took to get there. Plus, once you’ve completed one of these informational interviews, you’ll be surprised how others will begin to feel less intimidating. If, like many people with ADHD, you lack confidence in your abilities and think that you “are not good at anything at all,” zoom out and look at the bigger picture of your life. You have successes and you’ve had defeats—this is normal. While these disappointments sting, you likely have regrouped after these experiences in some way, overcome negative thinking, and forged ahead. This resilience facilitated your growth time and time again and is the kryptonite to that negative chatter running around your head. Start a list of times when things went well, when you succeeded, and when someone praised your efforts. Write these down on Post-Its and put them on a bulletin board, the front of your refrigerator, or your bathroom mirror. This attention to positive developments in your life will create more balance and turn down the volume on the shame that you are not enough. Everybody has their own unique strengths. You may have experienced criticisms, setbacks, or “failures” that have fed this negative, judgmental voice in your head. You are not alone. Many neurodivergent people live with a similar voice in their heads, which also holds them back. That voice is not who you are! It’s just unhelpful noise, chattering to keep you insecure and ashamed. It sounds like it’s time to shift from thinking about what you are "bad at” to what you are “inexperienced at.” You have not yet discovered how to apply your innate skills. "Yet" is the operative word here. Lastly, I want to remind you that there may be no better way to figure out what you want to do than by trying things. If you worked as a waiter for three months but felt overwhelmed, stressed, and had difficulty dealing with customers, then you’ve learned that restaurant work isn’t for you, not that you’ve failed at being a server. This is good information! If you worked as an emergency medical technician in an ambulance and enjoyed the fast pace of helping people in crisis and want to do more, then maybe becoming a paramedic or nurse is in your future. That is good information, too. So take a small risk, test the waters, and try something. Small steps lead to exploration and forward motion. Sharon Saline, Psy.D., - Website - Book - References ADDitude Editors Verified Medically reviewed by ADDitude’s ADHD Medical Review Panel Updated on October 23, Editors, Add., Verified, & Panel, Add. A. M. R. (2023, October 23). 16 good jobs for people with ADHD. ADDitude. Effect Modification by Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) Symptoms on the Association of Psychosocial Work Environments With Psychological Distress and Work Engagement. Front Psychiatry. 2019 Mar 27;10:166. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00166. PMID: 30971966; PMCID: PMC6445946. Halleland HB, Sørensen L, Posserud MB, Haavik J, Lundervold AJ. Occupational Status Is Compromised in Adults With ADHD and Psychometrically Defined Executive Function Deficits. Journal of Attention Disorders. 2019 Jan;23(1):76-86. doi: 10.1177/1087054714564622. Epub 2015 Jan 2. PMID: 25555629 Nagata, M., Nagata, T., Inoue, A., Mori, K., & Matsuda, S. (2019). Effect modification by attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) symptoms on the association of psychosocial work environments with psychological distress and work engagement. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 10. Which jobs are the most suitable for people with ADHD?. RSS. (n.d.).

Strategies for women in a youth-obsessed culture. Women 40-plus navigate societal norms and physiological changes in aging. Societal appearance standards can shape worth, yet they're socially constructed and deconstruct able. Embracing aging involves a multifaceted approach centered on acceptance and "bigger-picture thinking." Over the past decade, extensive research has delved into the topic of body image during mid- and late-life, with a predominant focus on the struggles experienced by women in these phases. This emphasis is hardly surprising, for a society fixated on youth and beauty standards, including the "thin ideal" and "ageless skin." Encountering a woman who not only accepts but also holds positive feelings toward her body is a rarity in this context. Research indicates that women aged 40 and above face various influences that shape their perceptions of appearance. These factors include observing changes in their bodies and societal expectations to minimize signs of aging, such as lines or gray hairs. The societal norm of female beauty, marked by the thin-young ideal, becomes more distant with aging-related physiological changes impacting the female body.1 However, it's crucial to acknowledge that aging is a natural and, if lucky, a fundamental part of life. These societal standards of appearance that often define worth and value for so many are socially constructed and, therefore, can be deconstructed. To find acceptance in aging and embrace the changes that come with it, individuals can follow a multifaceted approach that centers on themes of acceptance and "bigger-picture" thinking. Here are 10 empowering strategies to help individuals find peace and appreciation for their aging bodies. Identify and adopt realistic role models: Challenge societal beauty standards by critically evaluating media images. Seek out older individuals who embody qualities like strength, wisdom, and courage, focusing on attributes beyond physical appearance. Reengage in self-care practices: Reconnect or, in some cases, connect, for the first time, with your body by engaging in self-care routines emphasizing valuing and responding to your physical needs. These routines can include activities like applying lotion, attending regular doctor appointments, exercising, meditating, and practicing yoga. Avoid making disparaging remarks about your body: Practice self-compassion by looking in the mirror and describing your body in neutral terms. Avoid negative self-talk and instead focus on acknowledging your body without judgment. List reasons you appreciate your body: Once you can view your body neutrally, recognize the positive ways in which your body has served you. Express appreciation aloud, write down these reasons, and refer to them when negative self-talk creeps in. Write an apology letter to your body: Reflect on any past mistreatment or neglect of your body and seek reconciliation. Apologize to your body for any harm it may have endured, fostering a sense of connection and acceptance. Practice self-compassion: Stop blaming your body for the natural process of aging. Speak to yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend, treating your body with love and care. Get accurate information about aging: Seek reliable resources on the aging process, encompassing changes in your body. Recognize that weight gain in midlife, for instance, can result from hormonal and metabolic shifts. Understanding these natural changes helps normalize the aging experience. Try a holistic mind/body approach: Integrate your mind and body by exploring techniques such as guided imagery, mindfulness meditation, mirror work, and compassionate body scans. These practices can help challenge self-criticism, reduce self-objectification, and promote self-acceptance. Shift your focus from eternal youth to fundamental values and personal transcendence: Redirect your focus from pursuing eternal youth to exploring fundamental values and personal transcendence. Shifting your attention away from appearances, engage in an existential journey that embraces the natural aging process, fostering acceptance and promoting personal growth. Consider what legacy you want to leave behind and how you wish others to remember you, allowing these reflections to guide your path. Connect socially: Cultivating meaningful connections with friends, family, and community in mid to late life is instrumental in cultivating emotional support, fostering a rich exchange of diverse perspectives on aging, commemorating life achievements, diminishing stigma, and deepening a sense of belonging. This shared experience challenges societal beauty standards and normalizes aging, ultimately contributing to a more inclusive and positive body image. In a society captivated by youth, navigating the journey of aging requires a deliberate effort to redefine beauty and self-worth. By challenging cultural obsessions, fostering self-compassion, and celebrating the richness of each passing year, you can embark on a peaceful relationship with your body that transcends the limitations of age-centric standards. Remember, true beauty is timeless, and your worth extends far beyond the superficial constraints of cultural expectations. Carolyn Karoll, LCSW-C, CEDS-S, - Website - References Kilpela, Lisa Smith et al. “Body Image in Adult Women: Moving Beyond the Younger Years.” Advances in eating disorders (Abingdon, England ) vol. 3,2 (2015): 144-164. doi:10.1080/21662630.2015.1012728