Anger is an essential emotion. However, we need to learn how to manage it. "Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." —Benjamin Franklin In recent years, there has been increased attention on anger-related issues, and some argue that anger-related problems are on the rise. Anger-related challenges we see at the clinic may be more prevalent in today's society due to several reasons. 1. Stress and Pressure: Modern lifestyles often come with increased stress, pressure, and demands, which can contribute to heightened levels of frustration and anger. People may face challenges in managing work-life balance, financial pressures, and societal expectations, leading to a greater likelihood of experiencing anger-related difficulties. 2. Technology and Social Media: The rise of technology and social media has changed the way we communicate and interact. Online platforms can provide a breeding ground for expressing and encountering anger, as anonymity and distance can make it easier to vent frustrations and engage in hostile exchanges. This can lead to increased exposure to anger-inducing content and a higher likelihood of conflict. 3. Political and Social Divisions: In times of political and social polarization, anger can become more prominent in public discourse. Debates surrounding sensitive topics, ideological differences, and social injustices can evoke strong emotions and fuel anger on both individual and collective levels. This can contribute to a more visible expression of anger within society. 4. Mental Health Considerations: Anger can be associated with various mental health conditions, including intermittent explosive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and some personality disorders. The increased recognition and awareness of mental health issues in recent years may contribute to a greater understanding and identification of anger-related challenges. It is important to note that while anger-related difficulties may be more visible or discussed in contemporary society, it does not necessarily mean that anger itself is becoming more common. It could be that societal changes have facilitated the expression and recognition of anger-related issues. In conclusion, various societal, cultural, and individual factors can contribute to the perception that anger-related challenges are on the rise. While anger is a normal human emotion, it is essential to promote healthy ways of expressing and managing anger to ensure constructive outcomes and positive interpersonal relationships. A Block to Living Anger becomes a problem when it becomes a way of engaging in life and you can’t see through it. No one worries about a child who has a brief spurt of anger in one situation, but this behaviour becomes problematic when it turns into an attitude, a way of being in the world, just as with some forms of depression, just as with the main character in Ludovico Ariosto’s poem “The Furious Orlando”. Orlando was a famous Christian paladin, who falls in love with Angelica, the princess of Catai. Orlando must go through good and bad adventures, facing one obstacle after another to follow his beloved Angelica, who instead falls in love with the squire Medon. After all the sacrifices made, this discovery made Orlando lose his head, becoming infuriated with the entire world. So, if anger is a core natural sensation, what pushes it overboard so it becomes a dominant reaction to life and a way of being? The Pressure Cooker Effect Anger builds up just like pressure in a pressure cooker. It builds and builds until it reaches its saturation point. Finding no more room, it often explodes, violently. It is the same failed attempted solution of repressing it or putting it to sleep. This natural feeling can also turn into anger's evil twin, i.e. rage. Rage overwhelms the person, bringing them to lose control. The person will end up imploding or exploding. In both cases, anger overwhelms the person. Thus, the same attempt to contain it leads to an explosive effect. A Different Understanding A constructivist therapeutic approach to anger emphasizes the individual's active role in constructing and interpreting their anger experiences. It recognizes the influence of cognitive processes, subjective interpretations, and social-cultural factors in shaping anger responses. By exploring and challenging their cognitive frameworks and beliefs, individuals can develop a more constructive and adaptive relationship with anger. In the realm of human emotions, anger stands out as a fiery force that can ignite both positive change and destructive consequences. From road rage to heated arguments, anger has a significant influence on our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We experience anger when we feel that our needs, wants, efforts or plans, are hindered or blocked by internal (self) or/and external factors (others or the world). Even the most reflexive of individuals can and will eventually feel angry when faced with frustrations and disappointment. Yet anger tends to be regarded as a socially unaccepted feeling. From a young age, we are educated and expected to withhold and neutralize it to avoid its devastating consequences. As Aristotle reminds us in ‘Ethics’, "a man who does not get angry at the right time is a fool." The Bobo Doll Experiment But what do we know about the psychological effects of anger? A famous experiment sheds light on this intriguing subject, revealing the complex nature of this intense emotion. Anger is an emotion to which we normally give a negative connotation, even though it is a natural human reaction and a basic sensation. In the 1960s, renowned psychologist Albert Bandura conducted a groundbreaking study known as the Bobo doll experiment. The experiment aimed to understand how exposure to aggressive behaviour can shape individuals' responses, particularly in the context of anger and aggression. The experiment involved children who observed adults interacting with a large inflatable doll called Bobo. In one scenario, the adults exhibited aggressive behaviours towards the doll, such as hitting, kicking, and verbal abuse. In another scenario, the adults played with the doll calmly and non-aggressively. The findings of the Bobo doll experiment were remarkable. Children who observed aggressive behaviour towards the doll were more likely to imitate those behaviours. They exhibited increased physical aggression towards the doll, mirroring the actions they had witnessed. This study revealed the power of observational learning and highlighted the potential impact of anger in shaping human behaviour. When Anger Starts to Offer Secondary Gains Anger can become a habit that offers secondary gains. Children can learn the habit and learn how and when to get angry. Even so, adults continue to refrain from anger, often because they are afraid of it, thus it can also be used as a manipulative strategy by a child to get what they want. It can be used to bully and intimidate, thus holding secondary advantages or gains. For example, a child can throw a temper tantrum when things don’t go his way or when he wants something at all costs. To stop his impossible behaviour, his parents give in and go along with his request, maybe also giving him several treats to distract him. The child will perceive his temper tantrums to get what have wanted, so why not try it again? When secondary advantages outweigh the problematic aspect, we can say that the person’s behaviour holds a function, a need, or a purpose so it becomes a more pleasure-based issue. Anger as a Motivator While anger is often associated with negative outcomes, it also possesses the potential to drive positive change. Anger can serve as a motivator, propelling individuals to address injustices, assert boundaries, or fight for social causes. It can fuel determination, resilience, and the resolve to overcome obstacles. When channelled constructively, anger can be a catalyst for personal growth and societal transformation. The Path to Emotional Balance Recognizing the psychological effects of anger is the first step towards developing healthier coping mechanisms and managing this potent emotion effectively. Some strategies for managing anger include: Daily letter writing: A helpful way to dissipate anger is to write each day, ritualising the expression of anger. A seemingly simple but effective solution to be repeated until we have overcome it. Self-awareness: Being attuned to one's emotions and triggers is vital in understanding and managing anger. Cognitive reframing: Challenging negative thoughts and adopting more constructive perspectives can help defuse anger. Communication skills: Learning effective communication techniques enables people to express anger assertively and constructively, fostering understanding and resolution. Padraic Gibson, D.Psych - Website References: Ernst von Glasersfeld. (1995). Radical Constructivism: A Way of Knowing and Learning. London: Routledge.Gibson, P. (2020) Escaping The Anxiety Trap. Strategic Science Books; Harandi, T. F., Taghinasab, M. M., & Nayeri, T. D. (2019). The Prevalence of Anger in the General Population of Iran. Journal of Medicine and Life, 12(1), 31–36. doi: 10.25122/jml-2019-0025; Kassinove, H., & Sukhodolsky, D. G. (Eds.). (2018). Anger Disorders: Definitions, Diagnosis, and Treatment. Oxford University Press; Neimeyer, R. A. (2006). Constructivist psychotherapy: Distinctive features. Routledge; Neimeyer, R. A., & Sands, D. C. (2011). Meaning reconstruction in bereavement: From principles to practice. American Psychological Association; Neimeyer, R. A. (Ed.). (2019). Techniques of grief therapy: Creative practices for counselling the bereaved. Routledge; Novaco, R. W. (2016). Anger and Psychopathology. In International Handbook of Anger (pp. 379–395). Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-3-319-42444-4_20; Portelli, C., Papantuono, M., Gibson, P., (2016) Winning Without Fighting. Malta University Press; Karaman, M. A. (2020). The Relationship between Anger, Stress, and Emotional Intelligence: A Review Study. Journal of Education and Training Studies, 8(7), 16–21. doi 10.11114/jets.v8i7.4946; DiGiuseppe, R., & Tafrate, R. C. (Eds.). (2006). Understanding Anger Disorders. Oxford University Press.

To put out the fire, we need to turn off the gas. Angry exchanges have built-in escalation properties. Blame carries a retaliation motive, which evokes retaliation from the blamed. Activating the powerful instinct to protect loved ones neutralizes blame and turns off the fuel of anger. The most common question I get from clients who enter treatment for problem anger is this: “What do I do when things get out of control?” That’s the wrong question. The right question is this: How do I prevent things from getting out of control? On autopilot, angry exchanges are likely to get out of control. Anger is the most contagious emotion. Just being around angry people, much less interacting with them, is likely to make you angry. Anger naturally escalates in arguments because it evolved for winning, not for ties. We don’t try to hurt the saber-tooth tiger just as much as it hurts us, in the spirit of fairness. Rather, we try to destroy its capacity to hurt us. Anger is a flame; fanning it will only burn your hand. We need to turn off the gas. The gas is blaming. Most anger is like background noise, outside of awareness. Examples are impatience, annoyance, or irritability. These can be caused by any number of things, including uncomfortable room temperature or clothing, work-related stressors, or low physical resources—hunger, thirst, indigestion, illness , injury, or sleep deprivation. Blaming partners or children creates a flashpoint that spikes adrenaline and cortisol. Typical flashpoint symptoms are gut-level arousal, a rush of feelings, devaluing thoughts, narrow and rigid mental focus, and inability to see other perspectives. Blame escalates anger because it’s embedded with a retaliation motive, which stimulates retaliation from the blamed. Once your pulse rate goes above 90, you risk crossing the line that separates expressions of anger from emotional abuse . Anger becomes abusive when it’s devaluing. To devalue is to make someone unimportant or worthy of disregard, derision, contempt, or harm. Devaluing behavior dismisses, manipulates, controls, dominates, or demeans. If you suffer from problem anger, monitor your pulse rate and take a physical time out to calm yourself. Blame the time out on physiology, not your partner. Think Prevention Practice replacing the urge to blame with an impulse to improve. Instead of assigning blame, ask yourself: “How can I make this a little better?” Improving is incremental. Making things 5 percent better makes 10 percent improvement easier, which then makes 50 percent improvement more accessible, and so on. Blame is powerlessness. Improving is empowering. With Loved Ones, Associate Flashpoints with the Instinct to Protect The instinct to protect people we care about is so strong that it generally overrides self-protection. You’re likely to step in front of a gun to protect your child. You might not do it if you thought about it, but you would likely act on the instinct to protect without thinking about it. If you have a family, the instinct to protect controls your self-value, regardless of how successful you might be at work. (Imagine the emotional fate of world-class CEOs who let go of their children’s hands in traffic.) But if you feel that you can protect your family’s well-being, your self-value will be high, even if you fail in other areas of life. Getting fired from a job is more bearable for people more attuned to the protection of their families than their egos. Protective people tend to search immediately for another job as a means of putting food on the table, while the ego-driven are likely to endure a few weeks of painful depression . It takes longer for them to recover because they misunderstand their pain, which is not telling them they are failures; it’s telling them to protect their families. The pain will continue until they heed its message and resume protection of their families, at least emotionally if not financially. Reflect Recall a recent escalating argument with your spouse and try to recall the hurtful things you said or did. Then imagine a stranger doing or saying those same hurtful things to your spouse. Think of how you'd respond. If you were to see your loved one harmed verbally, emotionally, or physically, you would probably feel anger, an aggressive impulse, and loathing. For that moment at least, you would hate the person who harmed your spouse. So what happens to that anger, aggression, and loathing when you are the one hurting your spouse? Part of your brain is still committed to protecting loved ones, so where do the anger, aggression, and loathing go? When you hurt a loved one, the ultimate object of your anger, aggression, and hatred is you. The unavoidable legacy of spiteful, angry, or abusive behavior directed at loved ones is self-loathing. Every harsh word we say to loved ones, every cold shoulder or dismissive behavior, makes us dislike ourselves a little more. Steven Stosny, Ph.D., - Website -

Forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution. Give up resentment, come to peace about whatever happened, and forgive yourself and others. There is sometimes the fear that if you forgive people, that means you approve of their behavior. Help yourself come to peace . Accept that the past is fixed and will not change. Forgiveness is a tricky topic. First, it has two distinct meanings: To give up resentment or anger To pardon an offense; to stop seeking punishment or recompense. Here, I am going to focus on the first meaning, which is broad enough to include situations in which you have not let someone off the hook morally or legally, but you still want to come to peace about whatever happened. Finding forgiveness can walk hand in hand with pursuing justice. Second, there is sometimes the fear that if you forgive people, that means you approve of their behavior (like giving them a free pass for wrongdoing). Actually, you can both view an action as morally reprehensible and no longer be angry at the person who did it. You could continue to feel sad at the impacts on you and others—and to take action to make sure it never happens again—but you no longer feel aggrieved, reproachful, or vengeful. Third, forgiveness can seem lofty, like it only applies to big things, like crimes or adultery. But most forgiving is for the small bruises of daily life, when others let you down, thwart or hassle you, or just rub you the wrong way. Fourth, paradoxically, in my experience, the person who gains the most from forgiveness is usually the one who does the forgiving. One reason is that we often forgive people who never know we've forgiven them; much of the time they never knew we felt wronged in the first place! Further, consider two situations: in one, someone has a grudge against you but then forgives you; in the other situation, you have a grudge against someone but then let it go. Which situation takes more of a weight off of your heart? Generally, it's the second one, since you take your own heart wherever you go. Fundamentally, forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution, and from preoccupations with the past or with the running case in your mind about the person you're mad at. It shifts your sense of self from a passive one in which bad things happen to you to one in which you are active in changing your own attitudes: You're a hammer now, no longer a nail. It widens your view to see the truth of the many, many things that make people act as they do, placing whatever happened in context, in a larger whole. And, most profoundly, as you forgive yourself—which can coincide with serious corrections in your own thoughts, words, and deeds—your own deep and natural goodness is increasingly revealed. The Practice (Anger) As best you can, take care of yourself and those you care for. Protect yourself against ongoing or potential harm. Do what you can to repair the damage done to you. Keep making your life a good one. Ask for support. We are intensely, viscerally social animals. It is much easier to forgive your trespassers after others bear witness to the ways you've been mistreated. (This point also speaks to the importance of bearing witness to harm done to others, whether it is the impact of a teenager's coldness on your mate or the impacts of religious prejudice on millions of people.) Honor the wound. Try not to be overwhelmed, but be open to the shock, hurt, sense of injustice, anger, or other aspects of the experience. Allow your thoughts and feelings and related desires to have breathing room, and to ebb and flow over time with their own organic rhythms. Forgiveness is not about shutting down your feelings; opening to the experience in a big space of mindful awareness is an aid to forgiveness. Check your story. Watch out for exaggerating how awful, significant, or unforgivable the incident was. Be careful about assuming intent; with modern life, most of us are pretty stressed and scatterbrained much of the time; maybe you unfortunately just bumped into someone else's bad day. Put the event in perspective: Was it really that big a deal, given all the other good things about the person who upset you? Maybe it was, but maybe it wasn't. Appreciate the value of forgiveness. Ask yourself: What does my grievance, my resentment, cost me? Cost others I care about? What would it be like to lay those burdens down? See the big picture. Consider the "10,000 causes" upstream from the person who hurt you, like his or her life and childhood, parents, finances, temperament, health, mental state just before whatever happened, etc. Try not to take wounds so personally. There's an old saying: Each day wounds, and the last one kills. We all get wounded. This doesn't mean making yourself a target or letting wrongdoers off the hook, but it does mean recognizing that the price of being alive includes some inevitable pain—and the risk of serious injury in one form or another. It's not personal. It's life. We don't need to feel offended by it. Help yourself come to peace. Accept that the past is fixed and will not change. Disengage your mind from your story, narrative, or "case" about the events. Steer clear of people who fan the flames of outrage. Focus on the good things in your life, on gratitude. It's bad enough that people have harmed you; don't add insult to injury by getting caught up with them inside your own head; for example, they may have gotten away with some of your money, but don't also give them your mind. Rick Hanson Ph.D. - website - books References: Sherwood H. Religious intolerance is 'bigger cause of prejudice than race', says report. The Guardian. November 15, 2020.

Stop fighting your worries. Listen first, then evaluate. Here's how. When challenging fears and worries, do not assume your anxiety is irrational. Be objective. First write down the facts that seem to justify your fear. This is counterintuitive, but important. Next, write every fact that suggests your worries are not justified. Be specific. Give details. Do the math. How many times did your fear predict something correctly? This post is part two of a series. My previous post included the first three tips for effectively changing intrusive, anxious thoughts through creating a "Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table." That post emphasized the importance of first listening to your upsetting thoughts. This post continues with the next three tips to effectively change intrusive anxious thinking. Let’s quickly review tips 1 through 3. Tip 1: Listen to your fears before jumping in to reassure or challenge them. Start by writing down your “Worries, Fears, Distressing Thoughts” in the left column. Tip 2: Be detailed . Write specifically what your reacting brain fears or predicts. Write every fear and worry – regardless of how “silly” or “irrational” it may seem. Tip 3: Then look below the surface. What supports your fears? What underlying beliefs or assumptions would make fear, worry, anxiety , or panic a justified, reasonable response? In the left side of his Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table, Jonathan wrote his specific fears about his car (something is seriously wrong; every sound means there’s a problem and I will have an accident; I can’t trust the mechanic) and his general beliefs that made the specific fears seem credible (no one can be trusted, bad things happen all the time without warning, so you have to be alert for danger at all times). After listening to your anxious thoughts and putting them into words, turn to the righthand column labeled “Facts, Evidence, Logic, Perspective.” Now you can begin to question and evaluate those pesky, repetitive, and/or frightening fears and worries. These next three tips take you through powerful ways to convincingly challenge anxious worries and fears. I encourage you to work on your own personal “Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table” as you read along. Try these out and see what a difference they make. Tip 4: Do not prejudge. Do not assume that your fear is irrational. Your job is to be unemotionally objective. You do this by paradoxically always first writing any facts that seem to justify the fear. After all, sometimes you are anxious because there is something to be anxious about. Filling out the rows in his righthand column, Jonathan wrote, “Things can go wrong with a car.”; “Mechanics are human and human being can make errors.”; and “Not everyone can be trusted.” Tip 5: Be detailed and specific . Be a little obsessive and pedantic. Channel your inner accountant. Now write every single bit of evidence that suggests that your fears and worries are not justified. Jonathan did not simply write, “My car has not broken down.” His worry could respond by saying, “You’ve just been lucky.” He wrote, “I have driven 88,543 miles in the 6 years I have owned the car. I have never had a car accident. The car has never stopped working. My mechanic keeps the maintenance up to date. I have no evidence that my mechanic has made an error or been untrustworthy. He does all the suggested maintenance. He has never overcharged me. He is always willing to explain what he has done and why. Tip 6: Do the math. Use your phone’s calculator to compare how many times your fear said something was going to happen against how many times what the fear predicted actually occurred. Note: this is different from how many times you were scared. Look at the data. When Jonathan did the math, he wrote, “I drove the car to and from work 5 days/week (that’s 10 times/week), 48 weeks/year (that’s a total of 480 commutes/year), for 6 years (2,880 total trips). My commute is 30 miles each way, so I have commuted 86,400 miles in this car. 86,400 miles – 0 accidents; 0 breakdowns. "At least half the times I drove, I was convinced something was seriously wrong, so my worry convinced me 1,440 times that something was seriously wrong, but my car broke down 0 times and my mechanic found 0 unexpected serious problems. 1440 worries – 0 problems. My worry has been convincing and frightening and wrong 1,440 times in a row. That’s a terrible track record. I would not listen to someone who had been wrong – or who had lied to me – that many times." Test-drive these tips Pick an upsetting thought and create your personal "Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table" following the suggestions above. Notice the impact on your emotions. See the difference between trying to ignore or deny a worry compared to writing about it following these tips. Elizabeth McMahon, Ph.D., - Website - Book - References McMahon, E. (2019). Overcoming Anxiety and Panic interactive guide. San Francisco, CA: Hands-on-Guide.

What do factors like individualism have to do with seasonal affective disorder? Cultural aspects of individualism vs. collectivism and power shape how sunlight affects our mood. A study that looked at over 38,000 respondents found that winter SAD is linked to individualism. Power distance also affects coping with seasonal mood changes, with high PD linked to winter SAD. "The heat was beginning to scorch my cheeks; beads of sweat were gathering in my eyebrows. It was just the same sort of heat as at [my mother's] funeral, and I had the same disagreeable sensations—especially in my forehead, where all the veins seemed to be bursting through the skin.” This evocative description of emotional apathy in blazing heat comes from Albert Camus' novel The Stranger (L'Étranger) . First published in 1942, the novel follows the protagonist, Meursault, who shows a loss of interest in daily activities, hopelessness, and loss of meaning about his purpose in life with themes of detachment, isolation, and alienation under a blazing and relentless Algerian sun. But what if Meursault was in Alaska instead of Algiers? According to research on seasonal affective disorder (SAD), the first study of its kind showed that cultural context can significantly shape how individuals react to environmental factors like sunlight, which, in the case of SAD, profoundly affects mood and behavior. There are two manifestations of SAD: winter-onset, and summer-onset, which I write about here. Although the research on summer SAD is scarce, and most winter SAD is popularly known, a study in the Journal of Affective Disorders by Joseph Kasof explored how cultural factors influence seasonal depression across different nations. The study looked at two cultural factors: individualism versus collectivism (IC) and power distance (PD). Individualism versus collectivism (IC) is a cultural dimension that assesses whether societies value personal autonomy and individual achievement (individualism) or prioritize group harmony and the collective well-being (collectivism). Power distance (PD) measures how a society handles inequalities among people. In cultures with high power distance, where there are ever-present hierarchies, individuals may feel less control over their lives, whereas low power distance cultures, which favor personal empowerment, might offer more adaptive resources and flexibilities to cope with seasonal mood variations. The study examined 41 articles with samples across 18 countries, which reported frequencies of both winter SAD and summer SAD encompassing a total of 38,408 participants. The median sample size was 252 participants, with a median age of 38.4 years, and was 53.3% female. The research found that experiencing winter SAD, relative to summer SAD, correlated positively with individualism and negatively with power distance, meaning “countries in which winter SAD was more common than summer SAD were significantly more individualistic and less power-distant than countries in which summer SAD was more common than winter SAD.” Why might this be? In individualistic cultures, like Western Europe, Canada, and the U.S., people might experience greater distress during winter when shortened days (and sun exposure) decrease social activity and give no daylight break between working hours. With a high value placed on productivity and individual success, working from what may truly be sun-up to sun-down every workday might change one’s perception of the days and, consequently, life, leading to feelings of exhaustion and hopelessness. Therefore, even though through seasons, one's working hours may not have changed, the perception of having more time in the day, thereby a life apart from work, may protect from summer SAD. In collectivistic cultures, strong community bonds might mitigate some of these changes, possibly explaining the lower prevalence of winter SAD. In countries characterized by low individualism and high-power distance, summer SAD may be more common because of the pressure of maintaining social norms and fulfilling both work and familial obligations during longer days. This study presents an interesting question of how our cultural values may affect how we experience and physiologically respond to seasonal changes in light and weather. While we can never know how the narrative of “The Stranger” may have unfolded if Meursault had seen the sun as a welcome break from an Alaskan winter, considering not just the biological but also cultural underpinnings of how we respond to the environment can help us better understand ourselves and our world. Mariana Bockarova, Ph.D., References Kasof, J. (2009). Cultural variation in seasonal depression: cross-national differences in winter versus summer patterns of seasonal affective disorder. Journal of affective disorders, 115(1-2), 79-86.

Some say confess to cheating. Some say no. Either way there are consequences. Consider what is known colloquially as a one-night stand, not an affair of any length. Someone had too much to drink, or a long-simmering attraction came to a boil. It could happen when one of the partners is out of town and the perfect opportunity occurs. The lapse weighs heavily on the straying partner, who wants to clear his or her conscience and disclose it to their partner. The cheater’s conscience may be cleared—but the confession may end the relationship . At the very least it will end the partner’s trust. Very often, the one betrayed want to know who, when, where how many times and how they compare as a lover—intimate details of the event the cheater had no intention of sharing. If the sexual partner in this is someone known to them both, the injured party may insist that the person of the event be banished from their lives. If the sex partner is someone met while traveling, it isn’t an issue. But if it’s someone in their regular social circle or a work colleague of the cheater, avoiding future contact can pose many complications. Another option for the guilty party needing to confess is to unburden to someone other than their partner—a good friend, relative, or a member of the clergy. That may open the door to lectures on morality, shaming, and a sense that forever more that person “has something on you.” A third option is to keep the secret of one’s indiscretion, which, my experience as a therapist has taught me, is very difficult for many. Withholding a guilty secret from one’s partner can be like the proverbial elephant in the room, something forever unsaid weighing on the conscience. For some, the option is not even possible for the life of the relationship—it might be blurted out months or years from the lapse itself, perhaps used as a weapon in an argument. In any case, holding the secret may weigh heavily on the one who cheated and doing so may feel like a punishment. In fact, not telling is often punishment for the betrayal of the relationship. Holding a secret one would very much like to tell, keeping a secret from one’s partner, becomes a burden the cheater must shoulder, a difficult punishment. Often the cheater decides that holding the secret is the wisest option but at some point, months or even years later, feels he or she can no longer do so. When a confession comes well after the betrayal, the partner’s response is often worse than a timely confession would have been. The “how could you keep such a secret from me?” accusations tend to be very bitter. So, unless the cheater is positive his or her partner will “understand” or the cheater is willing to take the punishment is meted out by the partner, it may be wise to think more than twice about burdening them with the knowledge. As I have said to many clients over the years, I think that s/he who cheated should bear the burden of the secret. What do you think? Isadora Alman, M.F.T., - Website - Book -

From pressure to peace: Finding balance in the pursuit of excellence. Cultural pressures fuel rising perfectionism, leading to mental health challenges. Perfectionism often causes anxiety , depression , and relationship strain. Recognize perfectionist patterns to begin changing unhealthy behaviors. Adopt mindfulness and self-compassion to embrace imperfection. Initially, perfectionism may seem like a positive trait that drives us to excel and achieve. However, this relentless pursuit of flawlessness can negatively impact mental health. In high-stress environments such as work and school, where the pressure to perform at one’s best is especially overwhelming, perfectionism can be particularly common. Understanding the roots of perfectionism and its profound effects on mental health is essential for addressing this pervasive issue. Understanding Perfectionism Perfectionism is not merely about having high standards or striving for excellence. It involves an unrelenting need to meet impossible standards and a fear of failure that can be debilitating. Research from Curran and Hill (2019) indicates that levels of perfectionism have increased significantly among young people over the past few decades, driven by social and cultural pressures to achieve at all costs. To effectively combat perfectionism, it is crucial to explore its underlying causes and recognize how it manifests in everyday life. By doing so, we can gain insights into why perfectionism develops and how it impacts our mental and emotional well-being. Causes of Perfectionism Cultural and Societal Pressures: Societal norms and expectations often promote the idea that success and worth are tied to being perfect. Media and cultural narratives glorify flawless achievements and set unrealistic standards, leading individuals to internalize these ideals. Family Dynamics: High expectations from family members, or a family environment where love and approval are contingent upon success, can instill perfectionist tendencies from a young age. This conditional acceptance can create a deep-seated fear of failure and a constant need to prove oneself. Personal Traits: Individuals with certain personality traits, such as high conscientiousness, sensitivity to criticism, or a strong desire for control, may be more prone to perfectionism. These traits can make them more vulnerable to the pressures and demands of perfectionist ideals. Fear of Judgment: A fear of being judged or criticized by others can drive perfectionist behaviors. Individuals may strive for perfection to avoid negative evaluations, believing that any imperfection could lead to rejection and social disapproval. Effects on Mental Health Anxiety and Depression: The constant pressure to meet unattainable standards can result in chronic stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy, potentially leading to depression. A study by Smith et al. (2021) found a significant correlation between perfectionism and anxiety disorders, highlighting the mental health risks associated with this trait. Procrastination: Fear of making mistakes or not achieving perfection can cause individuals to delay tasks, leading to procrastination and further stress that impedes one's professional and personal development. Research shows that procrastination often stems from a fear of failure and perfectionist tendencies, creating a vicious cycle. Burnout: The relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion, reducing one’s overall well-being and productivity. Burnout, characterized by feelings of extreme fatigue and cynicism, is often a consequence of perfectionist behaviors , especially in high-pressure environments. Impaired Relationships : Perfectionists may impose their high standards on others, leading to strained relationships and social isolation. This behavior can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and depression, as perfectionists often struggle to connect with others on a deeper, more authentic level. Recognizing the Signs of Perfectionism Recognizing the signs of perfectionism is the first step toward addressing its impact on mental health. Perfectionists may struggle with decision-making, procrastinate due to fear of not achieving perfection, and feel intense pressure to meet unrealistic expectations. Acknowledging these patterns allows individuals to begin the process of change and seek healthier ways to manage their tendencies. Strategies to Challenge Perfectionism Set Realistic Goals: Break tasks into manageable steps and set achievable, realistic goals. Focus on progress rather than perfection and celebrate small victories along the way. Emphasizing growth over flawless achievement can reduce stress and increase motivation. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Identify and challenge perfectionist thoughts. Replace them with more balanced, realistic perspectives. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques can be particularly effective in reshaping negative thought patterns. Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to stay present and reduce anxiety about future outcomes. Mindfulness can help you accept imperfections and appreciate the present moment, fostering a more compassionate relationship with yourself. Limit Social Comparisons: Reduce exposure to social media and other sources of comparison. Focus on your unique journey and personal growth rather than comparing yourself to others. Studies show that reducing social media usage can decrease feelings of inadequacy and improve mental well-being. Techniques to Embrace Mistakes Reframe Mistakes: View mistakes as valuable learning experiences rather than failures. Each mistake can be a chance to grow, adapt, and improve. Embracing mistakes as part of the learning process can lead to increased resilience and creativity. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your efforts and recognize that imperfection is a natural part of life. Self-compassion has been shown to reduce anxiety and increase overall life-satisfaction. Develop a Growth Mindset: Embrace a growth mindset, which emphasizes learning and development over fixed abilities. Understand that skills and abilities can be developed through effort and perseverance, leading to greater achievement and personal fulfillment. Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote relaxation and well-being. Regular exercise, adequate sleep, and hobbies can help reduce stress and improve overall mental health. Engaging in self-care can also foster a sense of balance and fulfillment. Conclusion Overcoming perfectionism is a journey that requires patience, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace imperfections. By understanding and challenging perfectionism, you can lead a more fulfilling and balanced life. Remember, it’s okay to be imperfect – it’s a natural part of the human experience and an essential aspect of personal growth. Embracing your imperfections can lead to a more authentic and joyful life, free from the constraints of perfectionism. Cara Gardenswartz, Ph.D., - Website - References Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410-429. Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., & Saklofske, D. H. (2021). Perfectionism and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Research in Personality, 87, 103993. Stoeber, J., & Damian, L. E. (2016). Perfectionism and procrastination: A meta-analysis of main, mediator, and moderator effects. Personality and Individual Differences, 95, 80-86. Leiter, M. P., & Maslach, C. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103-111. Shafran, R., & Mansell, W. (2001). Perfectionism and psychopathology: A review of research and treatment. Clinical Psychology Review, 21(6), 879-906. Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House. Brown, K. W., & Ryan, R. M. (2003). The benefits of being present: Mindfulness and its role in psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(4), 822-848. Verduyn, P., & Gugushvili, N. (2021). The impact of social network sites on mental health: A review of experimental evidence. Current Opinion in Psychology, 36, 10-17. Hollender, M. H. (1978). Perfectionism, a neglected personality trait. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 39(6), 384-394.

5 myths and truths about PTSD. Trauma symptoms have historically been diagnosed under various terms before PTSD emerged. Misconceptions surrounding trauma and PTSD include the belief that emotional wounds equate to trauma. C-PTSD, distinct from PTSD, is less common and lacks a unified diagnosis criteria. The first recognized diagnosis for the effects of experiencing traumatic events was "hysteria." Historically, hysteria was predominantly associated with women and included a range of symptoms and psychological disturbances. It was believed to stem from the uterus and was often attributed to unmet sexual needs or subconscious conflicts. The diagnosis of hysteria quickly fell out of favor. Some texts assume that the high correlation between sexual trauma and incest may have been one of the reasons why studying trauma became inconvenient. "Shell shock" was the diagnosis that emerged during the World Wars, used to describe the psychological and emotional effects of combat on soldiers. It highlighted visible traumatization symptoms such as tremors, paralysis, and emotional instability experienced by soldiers exposed to the horrors of war. It was also shelved for decades. The term "trauma" itself was not used to describe psychological issues until later. It’s important to clarify: the term “trauma” is not and has not been used as a diagnosis, despite common misconceptions. What became a diagnosis in the 1980s is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) , with the purpose of providing a framework for understanding the effects of traumatic stress, observed mainly in veterans and battered women. Still, for many people, trauma seems to mean a verdict about an unwelcoming future. Let’s try to change that perception by debunking some of the myths about how to name the effects of experiencing traumatic events. Myths About PTSD Myth #1: Trauma and heartbreak are the same. Going through emotionally challenging situations can certainly cause emotional pain and leave a mark, but not all emotional pain constitutes trauma. Trauma includes only those situations that make us feel as if we are confronting irredeemable danger. For instance, feeling heartbroken after a breakup is painful, but it doesn't amount to trauma unless the person's life feels threatened, such as when the partner of a disabled person leaves. If livelihood doesn’t depend on the ex-partner, the person will carry some emotional pain but won’t be traumatized. Enduring emotional pain is a natural part of being human, and our resilience enables us to navigate it over time. Myth #2: All emotional wounds cause trauma. Trauma involves the activation of survival responses after experiencing distressing events that make us feel unsafe even after the event is over and the risk is gone. There are many experiences that can leave emotional marks without necessarily inducing such type of survival responses. Grief and loss, for example, can be deeply painful without any connection to an immediate threat. Similarly, feelings of loneliness, disappointment, frustration, conflict in a relationship, identity issues, or even anger can be emotionally distressing without involving having to extremely protect our lives. While uncomfortable memories and emotions may linger as residue of emotionally painful experiences, our innate capacity to adapt and recover helps us return to normalcy. It’s a matter of integrating those experiences into our lives without being overtaken by them. Myth #3: Trauma and PTSD are synonymous. While PTSD is the disorder commonly associated with the aftermath of experiencing traumatic events, not everyone who encounters adversity or suffers from stress after a traumatic event develops the disorder. Most individuals have resources—such as cognitive schemas and social connections—that promote feelings of safety and security. Using confidence as a guiding force helps to bring their system back to its pre-trauma state even after horrific experiences. Just a minority of those who experience traumatic events develop PTSD. Myth #4: PTSD means dysfunction for life. The diagnosis of PTSD is often stigmatized due to its association with war, rape, and violence. Unfortunately, it’s quite common to assign the PTSD diagnosis to people who experience events considered awful without investigating further. Don’t take a diagnosis at face value. To assign a PTSD diagnosis to someone, multiple and persistent symptoms need to be present over time. Most importantly, even those with a severe PTSD presentation have the capacity to reduce symptoms and stop them from further developing, to return to an almost normal level of functioning. As adaptive beings, our experiences are registered to aid us in the future, allowing us to assign new meanings to past emotions as we move forward. Myth #5: C-PTSD is just a more extreme version of PTSD. While PTSD and C-PTSD—complex post-traumatic stress disorder—share similarities in terms of symptoms and underlying mechanisms, they are two different syndromes with important differences. C-PTSD typically unfolds after prolonged or repeated exposure to traumatic events or adverse circumstances, most often interpersonal in nature. Individuals who have experienced lasting abuse, exploitation, or severe circumstances are more likely to meet the criteria for C-PTSD. In contrast, PTSD typically results from a single, discrete traumatic event or a series of events that occur over a relatively short period. Since C-PTSD develops gradually, it can lead to a different set of symptoms that may include disruptions in self-concept, difficulties in regulating emotional reactions and mood, impaired relationships, and pervasive feelings of shame, guilt, or worthlessness. In contrast, PTSD symptoms often revolve around re-experiencing the traumatic event and avoidance of reminders. I’d like to leave you with an important concept. Both PTSD and C-PTSD share the common feature of becoming a lasting issue once the survival circuits disrupt the nervous system's balanced activity, leading to the development of trauma symptoms. Still, clinicians often diagnose PTSD more frequently because the symptoms of C-PTSD may overlap with other disorders such as BPD, making it more challenging to distinguish and diagnose (Herman, 1992). Antonieta Contreras - Website - Book -

Cranky in the morning? Sufficient sleep is necessary for control of emotions. Emotion regulation is often challenging for adolescents. Poor sleep can impair people's ability to control their emotions. Physiological mechanisms underlying sleep and emotional control have been discovered. Every time I talk about how sleep is important for child and adolescent development; any audience can relate to how they feel and function when their sleep is of insufficient duration and quality. A common experience for all of us is to feel “out of sorts” after too little sleep or a bad night’s sleep. We are often more irritable than usual, and researchers infer that such behavior is due to emotional dysregulation . Adolescence is a time of rapid changes in body, emotions, and behavior, and sleep researchers have demonstrated empirically that poor sleep can amplify negative emotions and affect their control. The implications extend to family relations, adjustment and performance at school, and all too often, mental health problems. Understanding what underlies the relationship between sleep and emotion regulation has been a scientific goal for decades, and advances in technology have accelerated research. One of my favorite studies is one reported in 2007 in Current Biology, “The Human Emotional Brain Without Sleep—A Prefrontal Amygdala Disconnect” (Yoo et al., 2007). In that experimental study, adults were sleep-deprived and then underwent fMRI scans. They concluded that when people were sleep deprived, the parts of their brains associated with emotions—the limbic system and, specifically, the amygdala—had an amplified response. Moreover, there were fewer signs of connectivity between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex, which is often engaged to regulate intense emotions. Typically, an aroused limbic system is calmed down both during waking hours and during sleep. But when the subjects were sleep-deprived, their emotions were poorly controlled. While fewer studies have been done with children , those that have been done show similar results. In a 2016 study done at Emory University, researchers found that children whose sleep was shorter showed weaker connectivity between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. A 2018 review in Sleep Medicine Reviews summarizes this line of research with children and adolescents. Another review published in 2020 looked at how sleep affects brain processes that can be the precursors of later anxiety and depression in adolescents. We now are beginning to understand some of the physiological mechanisms that underlie the link between poor sleep and adolescents’ emotions. Emotion dysregulation is challenging for adolescents, for their parents and teachers, and for their social relations with peers. The take-home message, though, is the same one that we sleep researchers have known for a long time: Sleep of sufficient duration, quality, and regularity is critical for many aspects of adolescents’ daily lives. Joseph A. Buckhalt, Ph.D.,

Personal Perspective: The way you deal with a panic attack can impact its effect. How you deal with a panic attack in the moment can significantly impact its severity. You can do specific things during a panic attack to help it quickly resolve. Often, people's behaviors between attacks inadvertently make them more likely to occur. Suppose the symptoms of a panic attack come on, and you think something like, “I think I’m having a heart attack” or “I’m going to do something out of control.” Those thoughts will only fuel your anxiety and potentially make the panic attack more severe and challenging to deal with. In more extreme cases, people might even go to the emergency room because the symptoms are so scary. However, there is another path that is not as scary and bleak. I have been working in the area of anxiety for over 25 years. I’ve worked on research studies of panic disorder and have treated many people over the years who had panic attacks. Even though I have had all of that experience working with panic attacks, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m immune to experiencing them myself. In fact, given the right circumstances, virtually anyone could have a panic attack. They are so common that about 28% of the US population will experience at least one panic attack in their lifetime. About a year ago, we decided to put my 19.5-year-old cat Yakkha to sleep. In addition to being very old, his health had taken a decline, and we decided it was best to put him out of his suffering. During his last night with us, my husband suggested we do a “living memorial” where we would sit with Yakkha, tell him how much he meant to us over the years, and look at pictures of him. Although I had mixed feelings about doing this, my husband felt pretty strongly about it, and I felt like it could be a good way for my son to process his grief. I had a head cold, so I was having some difficulties breathing as it was, but when I added hysterical crying to the mix, I found that I couldn’t breathe at all through my nose. I then had the sensation that my throat was closing up, and I thought, “I can’t breathe.” Those sensations and thoughts kicked my anxiety up into full gear, and the symptoms of panic began to come over me. However, because I have had experience working in the field of anxiety, I was able to recognize what was going on quickly. “I’m having a panic attack,” I said to my husband and told him I needed to stop. I went into the kitchen and got a glass of ice water, which helped alleviate the throat-closing symptom. After drinking the water, clearing my nose, and taking some deep breaths, I quickly calmed myself down and returned to the memorial. Had I catastrophized those symptoms and not recognized it as a panic attack, it could have escalated significantly. If you are someone who struggles with panic attacks, here are some tips to help you cope: 1. Make sure you are up to date with doctor’s appointments Many people who have panic attacks think there is something wrong with their bodies, which is understandable because the symptoms are so intense. It’s helpful to get medically cleared so that you know that nothing is physically wrong with you. Suppose you have a history of medical issues , like cardiac problems, as well as panic attacks. In that case, it’s essential to talk to your doctor about differentiating between the two. 2. Label the panic attack, and don’t catastrophize Because I could label the panic attack, it took the wind out of its sails. I knew that panic attacks are not dangerous and that they won’t go on indefinitely. It might be helpful to say to yourself something like: “I’m having a panic attack, and it will pass. It is not dangerous.” 3. Use physical or sensory distractions For me, the sensation of the ice water was helpful at the moment. Cold water or ice can help some people because it triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms you down. You could also dunk your face in ice water or take a cold shower. For some, taking deep breaths can also calm down a panic attack, which was also helpful for me. 4. Don’t live your life in fear of panic attacks Many people who have repeated panic attacks tend to worry about having another attack and inadvertently reinforce them between attacks. For example, they might monitor their bodies by checking their pulse frequently. Or they might avoid situations associated with panic attacks. The problem with these types of behaviors is that they keep panic attacks front and center in the mind and make them more likely to occur. It’s best to work on reducing body monitoring and avoidance behaviors. When you need more help If you have challenges with coping with panic attacks or if you have made lifestyle changes to accommodate the attacks, like avoidance and frequent body monitoring, a therapist who specializes in panic and anxiety can help. Panic attacks don’t need to rule your life. Bonnie Zucker, Ph.D., - Website -

How to live well, inspired by caring for survivors of 9/11. As the first medical director and attending psychiatrist at the World Trade Center Mental Health Program at Bellevue/NYU, Sue Varma directly supported and treated civilian and first-responder survivors of the tragic 9/11 events. After years of working closely with individuals who had faced some of life's most profound challenges, she was moved to develop a philosophy of practical optimism, which happens to be the title of her new book. I spoke with her recently. GHB: What is practical optimism? And how did the book and philosophy come to be? SV: In the interactions with the 9/11 survivors, I witnessed the full spectrum of human response to stress and trauma . I saw people who were devastated and seemed to stagnate under the weight of their experiences. But I also witnessed remarkable resilience and growth in others, individuals who not only survived but thrived despite facing immense adversity. What explains the difference between those who crumble under the weight of stress and those who emerge stronger? My fascination with these experiences and the questions they raised drove me to delve deeper into the realms of psychology, psychiatry, medicine, and neuroscience. I sought answers not only in academic research but also in philosophy and personal experiences. Over time, a powerful revelation began to take shape, which coalesced over time into a coherent set of principles behind practical optimism. My work involves the fusion of two seemingly opposing ideas—optimism and practicality—that, when combined, can truly transform lives. It's about believing in the limitless positive potential within oneself and others while simultaneously mastering key behavioral skills that pave the way for healthy and rational decision-making. In creating practical optimism, my goal has been to offer a path to personal growth and success. GHB: What does it mean for you personally? SV: I wrote the book Practical Optimism because I wanted to provide a comprehensive guide and philosophy to help people navigate life's challenges and achieve personal and professional success. Throughout my 20 years of working with individuals facing trauma and everyday difficulties, I often encountered the need for a resource that encapsulated the best practices we had developed together. Many of the people I served had asked me to recommend a book that covered topics such as stress management, resilience, fostering friendships, promoting positive thinking, dealing with challenges, and achieving success. While Practical Optimism cannot replace therapy , it is my way of sharing the valuable insights and strategies. I see myself as a co-conspirator in your pursuit of a better life, and that brings me great joy and satisfaction. As a physician, I believe that my duty extends beyond merely restoring function; it is also about guiding patients and readers from dysfunction to optimal living. The heart and joy poured into the research and writing reflect my commitment to helping individuals lead happier and more fulfilling lives. GHB: What are your key principles? SV: The book covers much more territory, but, in brief, practical optimism is a practice that we incorporate into our life, much like exercise, yoga, meditation, journaling. In the book, I provide a toolbox of strategies and insights, allowing you to tailor the practice to your specific needs and preferences. Each person will discover different aspects of practical optimism that resonate with them personally. Among the core principles, I place significant emphasis on what I refer to as the 4 Ms of Mental Health: Movement, Mastery, Meaningful Engagement, and Mindfulness. There are also 8 core principles of practical optimism (the 8 Ps of practical optimism), which don’t need to be practiced in any order but that start with setting a vision and intention (purpose), then executing upon it while recognizing that life will throw you stumbling blocks (problem solving). There are tons of tips on managing your mood and emotions, getting more out of your friendships and relationships, maximizing your physical health (practicing healthy habits), a recipe for really any goal you want to accomplish. GHB: Is there a downside to optimism? SV: Not really. But like anything in this world, the outcome largely depends on how you approach it. Optimism, when practiced in a balanced and practical manner, offers numerous benefits for mental well-being and resilience. However, it's essential to be aware of potential pitfalls. One potential pitfall is falling into the trap of toxic positivity or magical thinking. Toxic positivity involves an excessive focus on maintaining a positive outlook at all costs, often at the expense of acknowledging real challenges or negative emotions. It can lead to the suppression of valid concerns or emotions, which isn't healthy in the long run. Similarly, magical thinking involves overly optimistic beliefs without a basis in reality or concrete action. Practical optimism encourages acknowledging challenges and negative emotions while actively working towards positive outcomes. It's about finding a healthy balance that fosters genuine optimism while addressing real-life issues effectively, as you equip yourself with skills and the know-how to do so. GHB What are key tips for readers to develop practical optimism starting today? SV: There are things we can all do to start preparing ourselves to take on a practical optimism practice. Here are a few good places to start: Embrace Realistic Optimism. Start by understanding that practical optimism is not about denying challenges or negative emotions. It's about believing in positive outcomes while acknowledging the realities you face. Learn from Experience. Reflect on past experiences, both positive and challenging. Identify moments when optimism helped you navigate difficulties and draw lessons from those situations. Set Achievable Goals. Break down your goals into manageable steps and set realistic expectations. By achieving small wins, you build confidence in your ability to shape a positive future. Practice Gratitude. Regularly express gratitude for the positive aspects of your life. Shift your focus toward optimism by highlighting the good things you often take for granted. Stay Connected. Foster supportive relationships with friends and family. Social connections provide essential emotional support and encouragement. Practice Mindfulness and Self-Care. Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine to build self-awareness and help manage stress effectively. Prioritize self-care to ensure you are prepared to face challenges. Seek Inspiration. Surround yourself with inspirational content, whether through books, podcasts, or inspirational figures. Sue Varma, MD, PC, DFAPA, is a psychiatrist and cognitive behavioral therapist based in New York City with over two decades of private practice experience. She served as the pioneering medical director and psychiatrist for the esteemed 9/11 mental health program at New York University (NYU). Alongside her clinical work, Varma holds the position of Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at NYU Langone Health. Her accomplishments have been recognized by the American Psychiatric Association (APA), which honored her as a Distinguished Fellow, the highest honor bestowed upon its members. Grant Hilary Brenner, M.D., - Website - Book - References Practical Optimism: The Art, Science and Practice of Exceptional Wellbeing

Personal Perspective: Life events can often bring past issues into the present. When a major life event occurs, adult survivors of child abuse must often run interference for their abusers. There's no shame in trying to explain an extended family's dysfunction to others who have no concept of such. By not hiding or being ashamed of past abuse, survivors make it OK for other survivors to do the same. Being confronted by the past can leave one more resilient and even more committed to living one's best life. As an adult survivor of child abuse, I’m not sure I’ll ever be fully healed of the horrific experiences I was raised in. Even as someone who lives life with a grateful heart for friends, relationships, and business-related successes, there are times I come face-to-face with circumstances that instantly put me in touch with the inner child who was neglected, beaten, and left alone at a very young age for days on end—not sure if my sister and I could endure the circumstances; at one point even calling the police for help and having them refuse to investigate. Like me, many survivors of abuse react to things differently, live a little differently, and must handle life’s watershed moments differently. Recently, I was informed that my father had passed away. Due to dementia issues and his residing in an assisted living facility overseas (where he had been married to his third wife), he and I didn’t have much of a relationship. This wasn’t by choice. I decided long ago that I would entertain polite, if curt, exchanges with my birth parents for my own mental well-being. Not for their sake. Unlike some abusers, my parents never admitted to or even saw the error of their ways. My mother went to her deathbed claiming my sister and I were both adopted. Even her obituary stated as much—and as a matter of record, we were not. In hindsight, I surmise that my mother was very mentally ill. This calls into question why our dad and other relatives would leave my sister and me alone in her care. So, my father’s passing is bittersweet. It’s not something I celebrate. I do mourn for him. I tell myself he was doing his best, even at his worst. And yet, his passing brings up all kinds of issues. His will. His burial. His obituary. In most cases, there’s a methodology for handling life’s milestones. But in broken families, there is not. And when you insert other characters (second husbands, second and third wives) into the mix, things get even more complicated. Suddenly, the discarded child wonders if they’ll even be invited to the funeral, much less consulted regarding the last will and testament. Explaining this dysfunction even to people who know and love me and my sister is a chore. We can see their facial expressions change from consolation to confusion. Why aren’t we more sad? Why wouldn’t we know if our dad had a will? Or what his wishes were regarding how he’d like to be laid to rest? And why haven’t we spoken to our parents in years? The looks from others then usually turn suspicious in nature—as if my sister and I are somehow the culprits or, at the very least, coconspirators in our family’s web of dysfunction. And so, when a parent passes, or another major life event occurs (whether it’s an occasion that inspires happiness or grief ), adult children of dysfunctional families must not only run interference for themselves but also their abusers. It’s a tragic hangover from a life that, for many, would be too terrifying even to hear the details of. But I’ve learned that by not hiding these issues in the shadows—even if we sometimes confuse the curious—we make it OK for others who’ve lived through similar hardships. It turns out the “normal” can also be abnormal. And for those of us doing the best we can to stop the legacy of abuse in our family trees, being true to ourselves—mental and/or physical scars from the past and all—is the best gift we can give ourselves and the best kind of behavior we can model for others. There’s no shame in surviving. No matter how that’s defined for anyone reading this. Sometimes, waking up, getting dressed, and showing up for the new day takes a monumental effort for the adult survivor of child abuse. Much less dealing with major life events like the death of a family member. Even when it’s the passing of one of the perpetrators who never allowed us the joy and safe feeling of being a child. Not to mention the feeling of being loved—or even wanted. We all deserve to rest in or be at peace—even those of us who have survived and are still among the living. Being confronted by our past, while often jolting, can help us to be more resilient and even more committed to living our best lives. Gregg McBride - Website -