Three trainable skills can radically help you to improve your social life. Science has identified effective approaches to challenge loneliness and build a more fulfilling social life. Cognitive restructuring is a technique for challenging negative thinking patterns and creating healthier ones. In behavioral activation, you break cycles of avoidance by intentionally engaging in hard social situations. This post is part 2 of a 3-part series. Part 1 of this series introduced how global efforts to create a less lonely world are gaining steam. Social bonds are crucial to human life, shaping our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. Just as our relationships are usually our greatest sources of joy and meaning, isolation can be a profound psychological burden . Over the past century, the field of clinical psychology has developed an evidence base of effective approaches to challenging loneliness and building a more fulfilling social life. These approaches aim to counter the cycles of negative thoughts and actions that perpetuate loneliness. They are easy to learn but require consistent effort and some bravery to put into practice. Challenge Negative Thinking Patterns One particularly daunting aspect of chronic loneliness is how it biases one’s thinking toward pessimism and hypervigilance. Despite wanting to find friends, a seriously lonely person battles a persistent flood of negative, automatic thoughts—often self-doubts and flashbacks to times they were left out. Likewise, they consistently fail to remember their positive social experiences—the times they felt appreciated, had fun, and made new friends. Although these emotionally charged negative thoughts are almost never entirely true, we tend to accept them uncritically as facts. Cognitive restructuring is a technique for identifying and replacing biased thoughts with healthier thinking patterns. For example, if someone gives you a strange look at a party, you might be suddenly struck by the thought, “Everyone thinks I’m weird.” To use cognitive restructuring, first, you need to notice the thought as it flashes by. Next, note the feelings that accompany the thought (i.e., a wave of dejection). Finally, consider if there might be a more accurate and optimistic version of the thought; for example, “I had one awkward interaction, but I know plenty of people like me, so it’s no big deal.” Cognitive restructuring is a simple skill, but when trained enough to become a habit, it can be potent, preventing negative thoughts from spiraling and perpetuating loneliness. Take Action Despite Doubts The defining behavioral characteristic of loneliness is avoiding stressful social situations: For example, staying home instead of reaching out to an acquaintance because they might respond negatively. Avoidance may spare us from discomfort in the moment, but it reinforces our fear, making us more likely to avoid social challenges in the future. As a result, we miss out on the serendipitous, good times and good people that we would surely encounter in the social world. Behavioral activation is a powerful technique for breaking this cycle of avoidance. In it, one intentionally engages in positive social behaviors despite doubts that their efforts will pay off. The key to behavioral activation is to engage in positive social behaviors, especially when you think they are unlikely to be successful. Behavioral activation works because it provides real-world evidence that social situations often go far better than one feared they would. Even if our efforts to connect are unsuccessful, we learn that an awkward social situation is really nothing to be afraid of. If I’ve been avoiding talking to new people, asking a coworker to get lunch probably won’t solve my loneliness; it will likely go just OK. However, each time I make the effort to connect, I build skills and momentum in the right direction. In the long term, behavioral activation interrupts avoidant cycles and creates opportunities to enjoy social life and form meaningful connections. It takes effort and bravery to expose oneself to the uncertainty and stress of the social world, but it’s an adventure worth pursuing. Earn Confidence by Practicing Social Skills Another science-backed strategy for challenging one’s loneliness is building social skills. Social skills improve confidence in communication and thereby help to form and strengthen relationships. Active listening is a skill that can make interactions more enjoyable and meaningful. One example is active listening: using eye contact, sharing genuine reactions, and asking open-ended questions to convey attention and appreciation to a conversation partner. Another is assertiveness: learning to stand up for oneself while also taking the wishes of others into account. Even those of us who feel confident in our social skills likely have plenty of room to improve. While practicing social skills may seem awkward or inauthentic, doing so allows for more genuine interactions and helps your conversation partners feel more comfortable. Work Through Barriers Although they are simple, building these skills is by no means easy or painless improvement requires a willingness to consistently leave the safety of avoidance and face the possibility of social rejection. Therapy is one way to get help. It is also easier to find high-quality support for loneliness than ever before. Research exploring ways to share skills for overcoming loneliness with as many people as possible, like Anton Käll’s work at Linköping University and my work at the University of California, Irvine, and the Northwestern Feinberg Medical School , is showing promising results. For people suffering from loneliness, reaching out to strangers or practicing social skills can feel impossible. Without friends or family to contact, it is easy to feel trapped in solitude. But the truth is that there is almost always a way to try to connect. One place to start is volunteering in your community—in helping others, you help yourself. Websites like MeetUp can also help you to find friendly groups of people nearby who share your interests. Online communities count, too. While these spaces are not replacements for face-to-face interaction, they have unique advantages over in-person alternatives, helping many to overcome barriers to connection and find genuine validation and belonging. Conclusion Serious loneliness can skew our thinking towards hypervigilance and self-doubt, making us believe that our efforts in reaching out for connection are doomed to fail. As a result, many lonely people learn to avoid social situations altogether. Scientific evidence has demonstrated that strategies like cognitive restructuring, behavioral activation, and social skills training can be profoundly impactful, challenging negative patterns in the ways we think, feel, and act. Access the Overcoming Loneliness Program , a free resource that my team and I created. These science-based tools are effective because they are simple and near-universal. In other words, they might be just as useful for lonely monkeys as they are for humans. Yet, for many of us, the problem of loneliness involves deeper questions . Part 3 of this piece draws from philosophers and wisdom traditions to explore loneliness as a human problem. Benji Kaveladze, Ph.D.,

At its core, perfectionism is disowning your true self. We all know perfection is an illusion. If perfection is unattainable and unrealistic, why do so many people strive to achieve it, setting themselves up for a perpetuating cycle of disappointment and shame? For many perfectionists, there is an underlying fear that they are not “good enough,” “won’t succeed,” or “won’t be loved” if they don’t strive for perfection. At its core, perfectionism may essentially be an act of disowning our true selves. It’s often a coping mechanism for shame and inadequacy. Perfectionism thrives in convincing us that striving for it will make us our “best self,” when, in reality, it can cause us to play small and take us away from our true selves. Perfectionism can be like a coach who initially appears to want you to succeed but then berates you, makes you practice to the point of exhaustion, and yells at you when you try to take a break. You may think that without this type of pressure, you won’t be able to achieve your goals⁠—but the opposite is actually true. If you allow yourself to rest, acknowledge your progress, and engage in positive self-talk, you’re much less likely to burn out and more likely to achieve your goals without sacrificing your health and quality of life along the way. Perfectionism can be like a coach who initially appears to want you to succeed but then berates you, makes you practice to the point of exhaustion, and yells at you when you try to take a break. If you’re struggling with perfectionism, remember that it doesn’t go away overnight and that it takes time to learn how to overcome it. Below are seven tips to help you start letting go of perfectionism and being kinder to yourself. 1. Identify the beliefs and rules that drive your perfectionism. It can be helpful to identify the underlying beliefs and rules that drive your behavior. For example, many perfectionists have an underlying belief that they are not “good enough.” As a result of this belief, they may adhere to certain rules and all-or-nothing thinking, such as “I must be perfect, or I will be rejected,” or “I must be perfect, or I will fail.” Often, these beliefs and rules were formed in childhood. Bringing awareness to these beliefs and rules, as well as how they impact different areas of your life, can be the first key in the process of deprogramming these beliefs. 2. Honestly evaluate your expectations. Take some time to evaluate your expectations honestly. It’s not realistic to expect that you will never fail or make mistakes because you are human, and you will inevitably make mistakes as we all do. Consider how you can create more realistic expectations for yourself. When you create realistic expectations, you are able to meet them. You’ll also build up your self-trust and self-confidence, two tools that can help you combat perfectionism. 3. Acknowledge the costs of perfectionism. Perfectionism often leads to loss. These losses include loss of quality time spent with others, loss of enjoying the present moment, and loss of connection with oneself. Many perfectionists struggle with modifying their standards due to fear they will fail as a result. Reflecting on what perfectionism has cost you in different areas of your life can help you realize that the costs outweigh the benefits. This realization can help boost your motivation to tackle perfectionism and be a helpful reminder for those times you feel tempted to give in to your inner critic. 4. Practice self-compassion. One of the most helpful ways to combat one’s inner critic and address perfectionism head-on is to practice self-compassion regularly. If perfectionism were a physical illness, doctors would most certainly prescribe self-compassion as a way to treat it. Perfectionists are often their own worst critics. While they can be compassionate towards others, they may have difficulty being supportive of themselves. When you’re feeling critical of yourself, some questions that can help you increase your self-compassion are: What would I say to a friend in this situation, and how can I apply that to myself? What would a friend say to me? How can I take care of myself right now? What do I need right now that I’m not getting? What are some ways I show others compassion that I can apply to myself? Certain meditations are designed to improve your relationship with yourself and others, such as the loving-kindness meditation and the self-compassion break. 5. Engage in activities that build resilience. Individuals who struggle with perfectionism often over-prepare and actively avoid making mistakes or putting themselves in situations where they may be bad at something. This fear can hold them back from learning that mistakes do not define their self-worth and most likely won’t cause others to reject them. It can be helpful to engage in activities you fear you will be bad at. Think of these activities as experiments that can help you challenge your assumptions about yourself, practice letting go of unrealistic expectations, and build resilience . Consider starting off with low-stakes activities that don't feel as anxiety -provoking and working your way up to more high-stakes activities over time. This can be an anxiety-provoking process that takes time, but it can ultimately be very freeing for many perfectionists. 6. Reach out for support from others. Perfectionism thrives in silence and isolation. Often perfectionists are surprised to find many others struggle with similar issues once they start opening up about it; this can reduce the feelings of shame that typically accompany perfectionism. You can start by identifying one person in your life that you trust and share with them about some of your struggles. Another option is attending a support group with others who are also struggling with perfectionism. The more you practice being vulnerable with people whom you trust, the less isolated you will feel and the freer you may become. 7. Reduce your social media use. Social media contributes to frequent social comparison, which can exacerbate perfectionism. Try taking a break from technology for a half or full day and see how you feel. When you start using social media after the break, notice how you feel. Are you engaging in social comparison and feeling “not good enough?” If so, consider implementing a regular break from social media a few times per week. Keep in mind that it’s helpful to have realistic expectations for yourself as you’re working on your perfectionism—it’s a process that takes time. If you find yourself getting stuck during the process, it can be helpful to find a therapist who specializes in perfectionism and can help you combat your inner critic. This post was also published at Good Therapy. Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. This post is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being. Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., - Website -

New research shows effects even for those at genetic risk for depression. Mood disorders like depression are often caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. A new study shows how factors like solid social support can help offset the genetic risk of depression. This suggests that for people biologically predisposed to depression, there's no guarantee it will develop. It has long been understood that mood disorders like depression , much like most psychological disorders, are often caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Most likely, there is a nuanced interplay between someone's genetic risk for a disorder and the environmental stressors that trigger it: the more genetically vulnerable you are to a given disorder, the lower the amount of environmental triggers you need for it to come into being, and vice versa. Now, a new study shows how factors that protect against a disorder may behave differently depending on your level of genetic risk as well. Specifically, this research shows how environmental factors like solid social support can help offset the genetic risk of depression, lending itself to a growing body of evidence that positive social relationships are crucial for mental and physical health , and suggesting that social support may even be the most helpful for those who have a high genetic risk for depression. The study was led by a team at the University of Michigan whose first author was Jennifer Cleary, M.S., a psychology doctoral student and senior author Srijan Sen, M.D., Ph.D., of the University of Michigan Medical School. Two groups of people undergoing phases of life traditionally understood to be very stressful were studied: newly minted physicians who were in their most grueling year of training, and adults in later stages of life who were grieving the recent loss of a spouse. Interestingly, both groups tended to have somewhat different changes in their social support during their stressful times. While physicians in their first year of residency may have typically been more isolated from friends and family than they were before, recently bereaved spouses often had an uptick in social support—even if temporary—as friends and family circled around them in order to support them in their grief. Study participants, who numbered more than 1,000 physicians and more than 400 bereaved spouses, were assessed for their genetic risk of depression using what's called a polygenic risk score, which takes into account small variations in several genes that have been tied to the risk of depression. Social support was assessed using self-report measures. In both groups, depression significantly increased during stressful times. But a striking interaction between social support and genetic risk for depression was found. Specifically, those who had a higher genetic risk for depression had higher rates of depression after losing social support but also lower rates of depression when social support was gained, even as compared to those with a lower genetic risk for depression. This suggests that when people carry a biological predisposition toward depression, it is anything but a guarantee that they will develop it—and, in fact, they can be most helped by the environmental factor of social support. Though this study was correlational in nature, meaning that we can't be certain that social support was the cause of the lowered depression, or the sole cause, the association was striking. And though further research is needed to solidify this potential causation, the research suggests two important ideas: that those with high genetic risk for depression may also get greater gains from those factors that protect against it, and that social support in stressful times can potentially have tremendous beneficial effects—even for those thought to be genetically "destined" for depression. Both notions bring a lot of hope, especially in a time of increased self-reported depression, stress, and loneliness. Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., - Website - References Jennifer L. Cleary, Yu Fang, Laura B. Zahodne, Amy S.B. Bohnert, Margit Burmeister, Srijan Sen. Polygenic Risk and Social Support in Predicting Depression Under Stress. American Journal of Psychiatry, 2023; DOI: 10.1176/appi.ajp.21111100

And if so, how common it is really? There is skepticism surrounding the legitimacy of Relationship OCD as a genuine condition linked to OCD. A recent study analyzed obsessions described by a substantial number of individuals with OCD. The results highlight the widespread prevalence of relationship-related obsessions among individuals with OCD. In recent years, the concept of “Relationship OCD (ROCD)” has emerged in scientific literature, media, and within therapeutic circles. It characterizes individuals who exhibit intense preoccupation and doubts regarding the suitability of their romantic relationships or partners, leading to significant distress and impairment in daily functioning. References to ROCD1-7 typically classify it as a distinct manifestation of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Those with OCD often experience distressing intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and feel compelled to engage in behaviors or mental rituals (compulsions) to alleviate the resulting distress. While OCD themes encompass concerns like contamination, symmetry, harm, morality, and religion, ROCD centers on relationship-related obsessions. However, skepticism exists regarding the legitimacy of ROCD as a clinical condition. Some argue that it merely reflects common relationship challenges exaggerated by media and clinicians, while others perceive it as a milder form of OCD wherein individuals are “just a little too focused on their relationships.” Furthermore, there are assertions that ROCD is uncommon and affects only a minority of OCD sufferers. A recent study examining different OCD subtypes shades light on these debates. In their 2021 study, Feusner and colleagues investigated prevalent obsessional themes of people with OCD by analyzing data from a mobile app designed for OCD treatment. Their analysis focused on extracting the vocabulary individuals used when spontaneously describing their obsessions, compulsions, and triggers. While previous studies have delved into the primary themes occupying those with OCD, Feusner and colleagues’ approach introduced two notable advancements: Large sample size. By leveraging data obtained via a mobile app, the researchers gathered responses from over 25,000 individuals who self-identified as having OCD. This is a notably large sample in comparison to typical studies that include dozens to hundreds of participants. This large dataset potentially provides a more comprehensive understanding of the themes of OCD obsessions. Free-form reporting. Previous studies regarding obsessional themes of individuals with OCD frequently relied on predetermined symptom checklists. These checklists encompass a variety of established OCD-related themes, including fears pertaining to harm, contamination, and religious concerns. However, because these checklists were devised before ROCD was recognized, they fail to include relationship-related themes, potentially resulting in the underrepresentation of relationship-related obsessions. Through the analysis of individuals’ spontaneous descriptions of their obsessions and compulsions, Feusner and colleagues bypassed the constraint of depending on predefined checklists, allowing for the identification of themes not included in such lists. The researchers obtained 7,001 unique words representing obsessions from 25,369 individuals. They focused their analysis on the top 7% of the most commonly appearing words in the dataset. Notably, terms such as relationship, partner, love, break, attractive, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, and other relationship-related expressions appeared prominently among the top 7% of words. The study identified three main clusters of obsessive preoccupations, each centering around distinct themes reflected in the words examined. The second-most-frequent cluster featured relationship-related themes alongside “not-just-right” experiences. This cluster closely trailed the most prevalent cluster, which included contamination, somatic, or harm themes. The third-most-common cluster encompassed doubt or checking themes. Through analyzing the free responses provided by participants, this study underscores the notable prevalence and relevance of relationship-related obsessions among individuals seeking treatment for OCD. This finding resonates with the expanding scientific comprehension of ROCD and echoes the observations of clinicians specializing in OCD treatment. These professionals often encounter relationship-related obsessions in their clients, witnessing the profound distress they induce. Raising awareness of ROCD among therapists and clients could facilitate better recognition, comprehension, and implementation of suitable treatment for those affected by this condition. Ran Littman, Ph.D., - Website - References Brandes, O., Stern, A., & Doron, G. (2020). “I just can't trust my partner”: Evaluating associations between untrustworthiness obsessions, relationship obsessions and couples violence. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 24, 100500. Doron, G., & Derby, D. (2017). Assessment and Treatment of Relationship‐Related OCD Symptoms (ROCD) A Modular Approach. The Wiley handbook of obsessive compulsive disorders, 1, 547–564. Doron, G., Mizrahi, M., Szepsenwol, O., & Derby, D. (2014). Right or flawed: Relationship obsessions and sexual satisfaction. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 11(9), 2218–2224. Fernandez, S., Sevil, C., & Moulding, R. (2021). Feared self and dimensions of obsessive compulsive symptoms: Sexual orientation-obsessions, relationship obsessions, and general OCD symptoms. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 28, 100608. Kılıç, N., & Altınok, A. (2021). Obsession and relationship satisfaction through the lens of jealousy and rumination. Personality and Individual Differences, 179, 110959. Melli, G., Bulli, F., Doron, G., & Carraresi, C. (2018). Maladaptive beliefs in relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD): Replication and extension in a clinical sample. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 18, 47–53. Mısırlı, M., & Kayanak, G. K. (2023). Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Systematic Review. Current Approaches in Psychiatry, 15(4), 549–561. Feusner, J. D., Mohideen, R., Smith, S., Patanam, I., Vaitla, A., Lam, C., Massi, M., & Leow, A. (2021). Semantic linkages of obsessions from an international obsessive-compulsive disorder mobile app data set: big data analytics study. Journal of Medical Internet Research, 23(6), e25482.

Most conflicts with aging parents are unnecessary. Adult children need to recognize that their parent's identity changes over time. A parent's memory loss is not necessarily an indication of dementia. While it's natural to hope for a pleasant future, it's important to have realistic expectations. For example, your parents may need a locked memory facility one day. When I was a caregiver counselor, I heard a litany of reasons for conflicts my adult clients had with their parents. As I listened to each, I invisibly shook my head and silently said, "Me too." Intergenerational conflict seems to possess a certain universality[i], whether it was my parents becoming annoyed because I made decisions for them or my adult children wondering if my addled brain permitted me to hike alone in the wilderness. Although I heard many permutations of intergenerational conflicts, four out-paced all others: ones related to identity, memory, independence, and planning for the future. Identity Sociologists maintain that a person's identity involves their beliefs, history, abilities, and expectations. [ii] It is like a summary statement of a person's life, analogous to how a novel is described on a book jacket. For example, this is how someone summarized Ernest Hemingway's 128-page novella, The Old Man and the Sea: "An old man, a small boat, and a few days reveal the story of human struggle throughout the ages." Not bad for a classic. But what changes if instead of Santiago taking three days to land the fish, it takes 20 minutes? We have a very different story that might not even qualify for a mention in a fishing magazine. The same principle applies to the identity of your aging parent. The Takeaway. When interacting with your parent, understand that at 70 years of age, they don't have the same identity as they did at 40. If they did, their life would have been static for 30 years, which is difficult to imagine. Treat them as they are today, not how they were nor how you would like them to be. Memory Loss Is Not Necessarily an Indication of Dementia Yes, your mother may misplace her glasses five times a day—every day. And she may occasionally forget the name of your son, her favorite grandchild, but are these signs of Alzheimer's or other types of dementia? Not necessarily. Memory is more complex than popular "memory improvement" programs would like you to believe. It can be short-term, sequential, long-term, or working (executive function).[iii] Each can be affected by drugs[iv], poor sleep[v], lack of exercise[vi], unresolved issues[vii], or a declining age-related information-processing ability[viii], just to mention a few. The Takeaway: Before assuming your parent is "losing his marbles," approach the problem as if you are a clinical scientist. Note the "strange" behavior's context, frequency, or severity, not for a single incidence but for several occasions, before you make an appointment for them with a neurologist. You Are Not Your Parent's Parent We all want to be as helpful as we can with our parents, often trying to anticipate their needs before they ask for help. You believe doing something before being asked shows compassion, but your father becomes annoyed because he thinks you are treating him as if he reverted to his childhood. Some of the pain parents and adult children cause each other may result when there is a gap between expectations and reality. [ix] The Takeaway. Yes, you can assume that your parent's abilities, from physical to cognitive and everything in between, declined over the years. However, there is no fixed point where they require help. It's a moving target. To avoid unnecessary conflict, discuss when it is appropriate to offer help and when they prefer to struggle. Plan for the Future Today I visualize stalking wild trout in fast-moving streams at 90 as well as I do now at 78. But I know that's as ridiculous as believing I'll ever again run a marathon. The more I allow "hope" to replace reality, the more difficult I'll make my adult children's lives when my brain becomes as addled as they think it currently is. It may be difficult for adult parents to face a future less pleasant than the 1950s Ozzie & Harriet TV sitcom, where every problem had a simple solution. One of the most difficult counseling tasks I had was convincing a client and his family that because of their dynamics, it was time to explore locked memory facilities, even though he was years away from needing one. The Takeaway. Thinking about a rosy future is uplifting. Thinking about one that is uncertain can be threatening. But thinking about one you know will be unpleasant is necessary. Stan Goldberg, Ph.D., - Website - Book - References [i] Rothenberg WA, Hussong AM, Chassin L. Intergenerational continuity in high-conflict family environments: Investigating a mediating depressive pathway. Dev Psychol. 2018 Feb;54(2):385-396. doi: 10.1037/dev0000419. Epub 2017 Oct 23. PMID: 29058932; PMCID: PMC5788736. [ii] Guenther, C.L., Wilton, E., Fernandes, R. (2020). Identity. In: Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T.K. (eds) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_1132 [iii] Stan Goldberg, Preventing Senior Moments: How to Stay Sharp Into Your 90s and Beyond, (Lanham, MA: Roman & Littlefield, 2023). [iv] Sanjay Gupta, Keep Sharp, (U.K., Headline Home, 2021) [v] Arianna Huffington, The Sleep Revolution (New York: Harmony, 2016) [vi] Mandolesi L, Polverino A, Montuori S, Foti F, Ferraioli G, Sorrentino P, Sorrentino G. Effects of Physical Exercise on Cognitive Functioning and Wellbeing: Biological and Psychological Benefits. Front Psychol. 2018 Apr 27;9:509. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00509. PMID: 29755380; PMCID: PMC5934999. [vii] Stan Goldberg, Lessons for the Living, (Boston, Trumpeter 2009) [viii] Murman DL. The Impact of Age on Cognition. Semin Hear. 2015 Aug;36(3):111-21. doi: 10.1055/s-0035-1555115. PMID: 27516712; PMCID: PMC4906299. [ix] “The gap between expectations and reality” BMJ. 2000 May 20;320(7246):A. PMID: 10818048; PMCID: PMC1118022.

A form of institutionalized estrangement, shunning hurts health of the excluded. Religious shunning is a social death penalty that results in long-term detrimental effects on mental health. The brain registers exclusion as physical pain that cuts deeper and lasts longer than bodily injury. Ostracism instigates actions to recover thwarted needs of belonging, self‐esteem, and a meaningful existence. Over one million disfellowshipped (shunned) Jehovah's Witnesses are alive today—10 percent of active members. A former member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, Josh Caswell Sr., reached out to me after reading one of my posts about estrangement. He asked that I explore the policy practiced in some religions of shunning. In religious communities, shunning means cutting ties with members—even family —who don’t explicitly follow religious beliefs and the leaders’ demands or who wish to break with their religion. Religious shunning is a form of institutionalized estrangement and emotional abuse . Shunning is widely practiced among certain religions—including the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Church of Scientology, the Amish, and Orthodox Judaism—to control the conduct of its members. A silent form of bullying and rejection, the practice—more common among cult-like denominations—ensures that the identity of a collective group does not tolerate individual thinking. The Watchtower, the official Jehovah’s Witnesses magazine, reports that 1 in every 100 Jehovah's Witnesses is “disfellowshipped” each year—a total of more than 80,000. Of these, fully two-thirds will not be reinstated. This means that more than 1 million disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witnesses are alive today who are being shunned—more than 10 percent of the number of active Jehovah's Witnesses. One man's personal journey after shunning “I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness in Massachusetts,” says Caswell, 45, who now lives in Arizona and works as a diagnostics specialist for Pep Boys auto services. “In my 20s,” he says, “I ‘faded out’ of religion. I felt it was too restrictive and didn’t allow me to be a human being. The cost was losing all my family and friends.” That’s a high price to pay for being human. Recent studies show that shunning has a long-term, detrimental effect on mental health, job possibilities, and life satisfaction. Intense loneliness and a feeling of loss of control over one’s life are common after leaving. The culture of informing on other members inside the Jehovah's Witnesses also leads to a continued sense of distrust and suspicion long after leaving. “The religion teaches that if someone decides to leave the religion,” explains Caswell, “the entire congregation—including family members—shuns that person by not talking to them and avoiding them as much as possible. My family has shunned me for over 25 years. I know first-hand that the result is devastating.” Research has shown that shunned individuals often experience feelings of depression , helplessness, hopelessness, low self-esteem , suicide ideation, and self-harming behaviors. That’s certainly what happened to Caswell. “I was very smart in school. I was taking 11th-grade subjects when I was in 9th grade. I had a full scholarship to MIT, but I wasn’t able to go to college because that’s not something they believe in. Why waste your time going to college when the end of the world is just around the corner? I was forced to give up that educational opportunity.” Caswell says that pursuing any career was discouraged because religious leaders preferred that potential husbands devote their time to the church, as elders in the congregation, or as pioneers who preach some 90 hours a month. To protect these priorities, he was allowed to date only within the congregation. At 17, Caswell left the religion. He says his father, an elder in the congregation, had raped six of his eight sisters. The church said it would handle the abuse internally, but his father was disfellowshipped for only a month before being reinstated. He believes his mother orchestrated the sexual abuse. “I honored my parents when I was living with them,” he says. “But I was never happy. So I set forth to find out who I was.” By the time Caswell was 20, everyone in the congregation, including three sisters, had stopped communicating with him. In abandoning his religion, Caswell left a safe “bubble”—but he knew nothing of the outside world. Consequently, he went from one extreme to another, following a dangerous path on which he drank to excess and used crystal meth. Eventually, he became suicidal and ended up living in his car. For the last 19 years, he has been clean. However, he has had no relationship with his mother or other family members for decades. His father passed away years ago; they were estranged at the time of his death. Studies on ostracism Humans have a primal need for social support. Without a sense of belonging—a feeling of emotional safety and context—people come to fear that their very lives are at risk. They lose the ability to trust and connect with others, instead becoming consumed by the task of surviving alone. Shunning, therefore, is like a social death penalty—and studies prove this point. Exclusion has been found to cause pain that cuts deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury, according to Dr. Kipling D. Williams, a distinguished professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University who is noted for his unique studies of ostracism. When someone is shunned—even by a stranger, even only briefly—Dr. Williams has found that they experience a strong and harmful reaction, activating the same area of the brain that registers physical pain. The crucial difference between physical and psychic injury is that physical damage heals, while social injuries linger. In his studies of more than 5,000 people, Dr. Williams used a computer game to show how just two or three minutes of ostracism can produce ongoing negative feelings. “Our studies indicate that the initial reaction to ostracism is pain,” he explains, “which is similarly felt by all individuals regardless of personality or social/situational factors. Ostracism then instigates actions aimed at recovering thwarted needs of belonging, self‐esteem, control and meaningful existence.” Caswell, who asked me to use his real name because he wants his voice heard, says that religious leaders know full well the profound psychological impact of shunning. “That’s exactly why they do it,” he says. “Shunning is not love; it’s how Jehovah’s Witnesses discipline members. It’s a form of punishment.” Fern Schumer Chapman - Website - Book - References Williams, Kipling D., NidaView, Steve (2014) Ostracism and Public Policy, Sage Journals, Volume 1, Issue 1. Harper, Janice (2011) A Reason (and Season) to Stop Shunning, HuffPost. Luther, Rosie (2022) What Happens to Those Who Exit Jehovah's Witnesses: An Investigation of the Impact of Shunning, National Library of Medicine, PubMed

When emotions are strong, our thinking can go offline. Anger leads us to act before we think, and when under its influence, the activity in our brain changes. Stress is a contributing factor to anger that inhibits the activity in the thinking part of the brain. Regulating our anger requires using skills that bring the thinking part of the brain back online. Anger is a normal, natural human emotion. In many situations, it's a healthy and appropriate emotional reaction. Everyone gets angry at times. While the emotion of anger is part of being human, it becomes problematic when its expression is so frequent, intense, or out-of-proportion to the situation that there are negative effects on one's life. Depending on how and how often people express their anger, it can damage relationships with family , friends, and partners or at their jobs—creating conflict, estrangement, anxiety , and fear. Most of us know someone whose anger seems to be on a "hair-trigger," igniting easily, quickly, and ferociously. But even when people don't demonstrate intense anger outwardly, they can nonetheless experience powerful internal effects that make it extremely difficult to respond skillfully when they get angry. Why Anger Generates Strong Reactions Usually, anger has a context embedded in personal experience. Anger arises when we feel unfairly or unjustly treated, diminished, exposed, devalued, coerced, scared, or powerless—whether in connection with present-moment experience or triggered based on something from our past. Anger defends these unpleasant and vulnerable emotional states, providing a sense of power and control—at least temporarily. Intense, out-of-proportion anger can also represent a response to past trauma . Operating under the influence of intense anger (or other highly-charged emotions) is not unlike being under the influence of alcohol or other drugs—it can be a form of impairment that deteriorates people's decision-making, judgment, and ability to think intentionally and rationally. The Brain With Anger Anger leads us to act before we think, and when we are under its influence, the activity in our brain changes. The emotional part of the brain goes into hyperdrive while the thinking part of the brain becomes less active, effectively going offline. Two areas in the emotional part of the brain can activate too much when we are angry: the amygdala, which encodes the emotional quality (positive/safe or negative/threat) and intensity of our experiences; and the insula maps how our body feels during situations, including what we know as "gut feelings." The degree of activity in the amygdala and the insula is controlled, in part, by two areas in the thinking part of the brain: the orbitofrontal cortex, which helps us consider and assess the potential consequences of our behaviors and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, which helps us empathize with others. The more active the thinking part of our brain is, the greater our ability to consider our behaviors in advance, including how they might affect others—and the more consciously we can guide our choices and actions. Stress is a common contributing factor to anger. Stress levels correlate with how much norepinephrine is released in the brain. Norepinephrine is a neurotransmitter needed for everyday thinking tasks. It activates the above two thinking parts of the brain and allows us to think in focused and flexible ways. However, as stress increases, so do norepinephrine levels. When norepinephrine is excessive, it stops activating those thinking parts of the brain[1] and instead starts activating the emotional parts of the brain.[2] By dampening the ventromedial prefrontal cortex activity, stress inhibits the capacity to feel connected with others. People often become stuck in emotion-driven interpretations of events and are rapidly propelled into fight-or-flight mode, which limits our ability to respond flexibly and intentionally.[3] Once anger subsides, norepinephrine levels decrease, and our brain's thinking part returns online. Our ability to empathize returns, frequently evoking remorse and guilt over our unskillful behavior and the damage it may have done. Strategies for Regulating Anger Regulating our anger requires bringing the thinking part of our brain back online, and there are several ways to accomplish this. Pause—take a few moments to establish a mental-emotional space where your thinking ability can be recovered. Step away from the interaction or situation to give yourself time to consider how you want to respond consciously. Practice identifying and allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions that anger may be superimposed upon—such as hurt or fear. Strive to be present with and accept these feelings and the vulnerability they elicit. As difficult as it may be, try to identify how you may have contributed to the situation that you are angry about. Be aware that people (including you) frequently play a part in the circumstances that brought about their anger. Learn and practice self-calming skills that improve overall emotional regulation, such as meditation and other mindfulness practices, progressive relaxation, yoga, Qi Gong, and intentional breathing. Intentional breathing can take multiple forms. Breathing is an involuntary bodily function that we can significantly influence voluntarily. We can deliberately alter the rate and quality of our breathing to change the activity in our nervous system. Stress and highly charged emotions—including anger—can lead to rapid, shallow breaths that feed into and exacerbate distress.[4] Practice deepening and slowing your breathing—taking long, deep in-breaths and full, complete out-breaths (timing each to a specific count can help maintain a rhythm and sense of stillness). Such controlled breathing can limit respiratory rate, decrease fight-or-flight reactions, improve mood, lower cortisol (the primary stress hormone) levels, and facilitate greater calm.[5] Learning and practicing the skills of being more consciously aware of our anger as it arises, observing it, being present with it, and making peace with it gives us the ability to respond to and express it intentionally rather than react to it unconsciously, automatically, and reflexively in ways that create suffering for us, as well as those closest to us. Dan Mager, MSW - Website - References [1] Frontiers in Systems Neuroscience, 17 April 2023 Volume 17 - 2023 | https://doi.org/10.3389/fnsys.2023.1173326 2] Stephen Maren, The Threatened Brain, Science 317,1043-1044(2007). DOI:10.1126/science.1147797 [3] Teed AR, Feinstein JS, Puhl M, et al. Association of Generalized Anxiety Disorder With Autonomic Hypersensitivity and Blunted Ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex Activity During Peripheral Adrenergic Stimulation: A Randomized Clinical Trial. JAMA Psychiatry. 2022;79(4):323–332. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2021.4225 [4] Pierre Philippot , Gaëtane Chapelle & Sylvie Blairy (2002) Respiratory feedback in the generation of emotion,Cognition and Emotion, 16:5, 605-627, DOI: 10.1080/02699930143000392 [5] Perciavalle, V., Blandini, M., Fecarotta, P. et al. The role of deep breathing on stress. Neurol Sci 38, 451–458 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10072-016-2790-8

Get to know your anger. Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Extreme anger does not just strain your closest relationships; it negatively impacts your social and professional life. Two gentle but effective techniques to reduce your anger levels are getting to know your anger and cognitive behavioral therapy . Explaining yourself clearly without letting your emotions get the best of you is the most effective way to resolve an anger-inducing situation. Many people come to therapy unable to control their anger. They ask questions like: “I always end up hurling personal insults when I’m arguing with my partner . How do I stop myself from escalating things when we disagree?” “I sometimes worry I will damage all my relationships irreparably because of my anger. How do I safeguard my loved ones from my outbursts?” “I cannot imagine myself as a calm and composed individual. Is there any hope for me?” Extreme anger doesn’t just strain your closest relationships; it negatively impacts your social and professional life. Unfortunately, for many people with anger issues, the harder they try to control it, the angrier their outbursts get. This is often because people gravitate toward suppression as an anger control technique. But there are better ways to address the issue. Here are two gentle but effective techniques to bring down your anger levels. 1. Get to know your anger Most people with extreme anger are aware of the problem and develop a deep disdain for it. As a result, they tend to avoid thinking or even talking about their issues. However, ignoring your anger issues is equivalent to ignoring an allergy – it rarely goes away by itself, and, in many cases, it can worsen the problem. The first thing any individual with an anger problem can do is identify what triggers them. Is there a person, event, or area of your life that you hate to discuss? Is there a particular pet peeve you have that sends you over the edge, like being spoken over? Does excessive stress and/or lack of sleep have something to do with your outbursts? Small questions like these can bring you closer to the root of the problem and can help you predict when your anger might flare up instead of being blindsided by it. Another thing to tune into is to sense what anger feels like in your body. Do you experience a headache or a sharp rise in temperature? Do your thoughts go a mile a minute? According to research published in Behavior Modification, you may be able to kill both of these birds with the singular stone of mindfulness training. Noticing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations when you are angry and when you are calm can help you understand and control your anger. Shifting your attention to the soles of your feet when you are in an agitated state is one research-backed meditation prompt that can help quell your urge to react with hostility. While meditation can work wonders for anger, journaling and mindfulness-based therapy are also great options. 2. Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) While mindfulness can help us become aware of our anger and ground ourselves in the present moment, CBT can help us take action, suggests research published in Aggression and Violent Behavior. Through tools like cognitive restructuring, you will be able to recognize and decrease negative thought patterns that would previously send you on a rampage. Once you have learned to spot a negative thought pattern, you can use behavioral techniques like role-playing a triggering situation. The role-play session can be followed by a "debrief," where your role-play partner gives you feedback, and you can describe your state of mind more clearly. Explaining yourself clearly without letting your emotions get the best of you is the quickest and most effective way to resolve an anger-inducing situation. Conclusion Like most aspects of our personality, anger is subject to change. We are all works in progress. Keen observation of your thoughts and feelings coupled with therapy can bring your anger down considerably. Mark Travers, Ph.D. - website

Anger is an essential emotion. However, we need to learn how to manage it. "Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." —Benjamin Franklin In recent years, there has been increased attention on anger-related issues, and some argue that anger-related problems are on the rise. Anger-related challenges we see at the clinic may be more prevalent in today's society due to several reasons. 1. Stress and Pressure: Modern lifestyles often come with increased stress, pressure, and demands, which can contribute to heightened levels of frustration and anger. People may face challenges in managing work-life balance, financial pressures, and societal expectations, leading to a greater likelihood of experiencing anger-related difficulties. 2. Technology and Social Media: The rise of technology and social media has changed the way we communicate and interact. Online platforms can provide a breeding ground for expressing and encountering anger, as anonymity and distance can make it easier to vent frustrations and engage in hostile exchanges. This can lead to increased exposure to anger-inducing content and a higher likelihood of conflict. 3. Political and Social Divisions: In times of political and social polarization, anger can become more prominent in public discourse. Debates surrounding sensitive topics, ideological differences, and social injustices can evoke strong emotions and fuel anger on both individual and collective levels. This can contribute to a more visible expression of anger within society. 4. Mental Health Considerations: Anger can be associated with various mental health conditions, including intermittent explosive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and some personality disorders. The increased recognition and awareness of mental health issues in recent years may contribute to a greater understanding and identification of anger-related challenges. It is important to note that while anger-related difficulties may be more visible or discussed in contemporary society, it does not necessarily mean that anger itself is becoming more common. It could be that societal changes have facilitated the expression and recognition of anger-related issues. In conclusion, various societal, cultural, and individual factors can contribute to the perception that anger-related challenges are on the rise. While anger is a normal human emotion, it is essential to promote healthy ways of expressing and managing anger to ensure constructive outcomes and positive interpersonal relationships. A Block to Living Anger becomes a problem when it becomes a way of engaging in life and you can’t see through it. No one worries about a child who has a brief spurt of anger in one situation, but this behaviour becomes problematic when it turns into an attitude, a way of being in the world, just as with some forms of depression, just as with the main character in Ludovico Ariosto’s poem “The Furious Orlando”. Orlando was a famous Christian paladin, who falls in love with Angelica, the princess of Catai. Orlando must go through good and bad adventures, facing one obstacle after another to follow his beloved Angelica, who instead falls in love with the squire Medon. After all the sacrifices made, this discovery made Orlando lose his head, becoming infuriated with the entire world. So, if anger is a core natural sensation, what pushes it overboard so it becomes a dominant reaction to life and a way of being? The Pressure Cooker Effect Anger builds up just like pressure in a pressure cooker. It builds and builds until it reaches its saturation point. Finding no more room, it often explodes, violently. It is the same failed attempted solution of repressing it or putting it to sleep. This natural feeling can also turn into anger's evil twin, i.e. rage. Rage overwhelms the person, bringing them to lose control. The person will end up imploding or exploding. In both cases, anger overwhelms the person. Thus, the same attempt to contain it leads to an explosive effect. A Different Understanding A constructivist therapeutic approach to anger emphasizes the individual's active role in constructing and interpreting their anger experiences. It recognizes the influence of cognitive processes, subjective interpretations, and social-cultural factors in shaping anger responses. By exploring and challenging their cognitive frameworks and beliefs, individuals can develop a more constructive and adaptive relationship with anger. In the realm of human emotions, anger stands out as a fiery force that can ignite both positive change and destructive consequences. From road rage to heated arguments, anger has a significant influence on our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We experience anger when we feel that our needs, wants, efforts or plans, are hindered or blocked by internal (self) or/and external factors (others or the world). Even the most reflexive of individuals can and will eventually feel angry when faced with frustrations and disappointment. Yet anger tends to be regarded as a socially unaccepted feeling. From a young age, we are educated and expected to withhold and neutralize it to avoid its devastating consequences. As Aristotle reminds us in ‘Ethics’, "a man who does not get angry at the right time is a fool." The Bobo Doll Experiment But what do we know about the psychological effects of anger? A famous experiment sheds light on this intriguing subject, revealing the complex nature of this intense emotion. Anger is an emotion to which we normally give a negative connotation, even though it is a natural human reaction and a basic sensation. In the 1960s, renowned psychologist Albert Bandura conducted a groundbreaking study known as the Bobo doll experiment. The experiment aimed to understand how exposure to aggressive behaviour can shape individuals' responses, particularly in the context of anger and aggression. The experiment involved children who observed adults interacting with a large inflatable doll called Bobo. In one scenario, the adults exhibited aggressive behaviours towards the doll, such as hitting, kicking, and verbal abuse. In another scenario, the adults played with the doll calmly and non-aggressively. The findings of the Bobo doll experiment were remarkable. Children who observed aggressive behaviour towards the doll were more likely to imitate those behaviours. They exhibited increased physical aggression towards the doll, mirroring the actions they had witnessed. This study revealed the power of observational learning and highlighted the potential impact of anger in shaping human behaviour. When Anger Starts to Offer Secondary Gains Anger can become a habit that offers secondary gains. Children can learn the habit and learn how and when to get angry. Even so, adults continue to refrain from anger, often because they are afraid of it, thus it can also be used as a manipulative strategy by a child to get what they want. It can be used to bully and intimidate, thus holding secondary advantages or gains. For example, a child can throw a temper tantrum when things don’t go his way or when he wants something at all costs. To stop his impossible behaviour, his parents give in and go along with his request, maybe also giving him several treats to distract him. The child will perceive his temper tantrums to get what have wanted, so why not try it again? When secondary advantages outweigh the problematic aspect, we can say that the person’s behaviour holds a function, a need, or a purpose so it becomes a more pleasure-based issue. Anger as a Motivator While anger is often associated with negative outcomes, it also possesses the potential to drive positive change. Anger can serve as a motivator, propelling individuals to address injustices, assert boundaries, or fight for social causes. It can fuel determination, resilience, and the resolve to overcome obstacles. When channelled constructively, anger can be a catalyst for personal growth and societal transformation. The Path to Emotional Balance Recognizing the psychological effects of anger is the first step towards developing healthier coping mechanisms and managing this potent emotion effectively. Some strategies for managing anger include: Daily letter writing: A helpful way to dissipate anger is to write each day, ritualising the expression of anger. A seemingly simple but effective solution to be repeated until we have overcome it. Self-awareness: Being attuned to one's emotions and triggers is vital in understanding and managing anger. Cognitive reframing: Challenging negative thoughts and adopting more constructive perspectives can help defuse anger. Communication skills: Learning effective communication techniques enables people to express anger assertively and constructively, fostering understanding and resolution. Padraic Gibson, D.Psych - Website References: Ernst von Glasersfeld. (1995). Radical Constructivism: A Way of Knowing and Learning. London: Routledge.Gibson, P. (2020) Escaping The Anxiety Trap. Strategic Science Books; Harandi, T. F., Taghinasab, M. M., & Nayeri, T. D. (2019). The Prevalence of Anger in the General Population of Iran. Journal of Medicine and Life, 12(1), 31–36. doi: 10.25122/jml-2019-0025; Kassinove, H., & Sukhodolsky, D. G. (Eds.). (2018). Anger Disorders: Definitions, Diagnosis, and Treatment. Oxford University Press; Neimeyer, R. A. (2006). Constructivist psychotherapy: Distinctive features. Routledge; Neimeyer, R. A., & Sands, D. C. (2011). Meaning reconstruction in bereavement: From principles to practice. American Psychological Association; Neimeyer, R. A. (Ed.). (2019). Techniques of grief therapy: Creative practices for counselling the bereaved. Routledge; Novaco, R. W. (2016). Anger and Psychopathology. In International Handbook of Anger (pp. 379–395). Springer. doi: 10.1007/978-3-319-42444-4_20; Portelli, C., Papantuono, M., Gibson, P., (2016) Winning Without Fighting. Malta University Press; Karaman, M. A. (2020). The Relationship between Anger, Stress, and Emotional Intelligence: A Review Study. Journal of Education and Training Studies, 8(7), 16–21. doi 10.11114/jets.v8i7.4946; DiGiuseppe, R., & Tafrate, R. C. (Eds.). (2006). Understanding Anger Disorders. Oxford University Press.

To put out the fire, we need to turn off the gas. Angry exchanges have built-in escalation properties. Blame carries a retaliation motive, which evokes retaliation from the blamed. Activating the powerful instinct to protect loved ones neutralizes blame and turns off the fuel of anger. The most common question I get from clients who enter treatment for problem anger is this: “What do I do when things get out of control?” That’s the wrong question. The right question is this: How do I prevent things from getting out of control? On autopilot, angry exchanges are likely to get out of control. Anger is the most contagious emotion. Just being around angry people, much less interacting with them, is likely to make you angry. Anger naturally escalates in arguments because it evolved for winning, not for ties. We don’t try to hurt the saber-tooth tiger just as much as it hurts us, in the spirit of fairness. Rather, we try to destroy its capacity to hurt us. Anger is a flame; fanning it will only burn your hand. We need to turn off the gas. The gas is blaming. Most anger is like background noise, outside of awareness. Examples are impatience, annoyance, or irritability. These can be caused by any number of things, including uncomfortable room temperature or clothing, work-related stressors, or low physical resources—hunger, thirst, indigestion, illness , injury, or sleep deprivation. Blaming partners or children creates a flashpoint that spikes adrenaline and cortisol. Typical flashpoint symptoms are gut-level arousal, a rush of feelings, devaluing thoughts, narrow and rigid mental focus, and inability to see other perspectives. Blame escalates anger because it’s embedded with a retaliation motive, which stimulates retaliation from the blamed. Once your pulse rate goes above 90, you risk crossing the line that separates expressions of anger from emotional abuse . Anger becomes abusive when it’s devaluing. To devalue is to make someone unimportant or worthy of disregard, derision, contempt, or harm. Devaluing behavior dismisses, manipulates, controls, dominates, or demeans. If you suffer from problem anger, monitor your pulse rate and take a physical time out to calm yourself. Blame the time out on physiology, not your partner. Think Prevention Practice replacing the urge to blame with an impulse to improve. Instead of assigning blame, ask yourself: “How can I make this a little better?” Improving is incremental. Making things 5 percent better makes 10 percent improvement easier, which then makes 50 percent improvement more accessible, and so on. Blame is powerlessness. Improving is empowering. With Loved Ones, Associate Flashpoints with the Instinct to Protect The instinct to protect people we care about is so strong that it generally overrides self-protection. You’re likely to step in front of a gun to protect your child. You might not do it if you thought about it, but you would likely act on the instinct to protect without thinking about it. If you have a family, the instinct to protect controls your self-value, regardless of how successful you might be at work. (Imagine the emotional fate of world-class CEOs who let go of their children’s hands in traffic.) But if you feel that you can protect your family’s well-being, your self-value will be high, even if you fail in other areas of life. Getting fired from a job is more bearable for people more attuned to the protection of their families than their egos. Protective people tend to search immediately for another job as a means of putting food on the table, while the ego-driven are likely to endure a few weeks of painful depression . It takes longer for them to recover because they misunderstand their pain, which is not telling them they are failures; it’s telling them to protect their families. The pain will continue until they heed its message and resume protection of their families, at least emotionally if not financially. Reflect Recall a recent escalating argument with your spouse and try to recall the hurtful things you said or did. Then imagine a stranger doing or saying those same hurtful things to your spouse. Think of how you'd respond. If you were to see your loved one harmed verbally, emotionally, or physically, you would probably feel anger, an aggressive impulse, and loathing. For that moment at least, you would hate the person who harmed your spouse. So what happens to that anger, aggression, and loathing when you are the one hurting your spouse? Part of your brain is still committed to protecting loved ones, so where do the anger, aggression, and loathing go? When you hurt a loved one, the ultimate object of your anger, aggression, and hatred is you. The unavoidable legacy of spiteful, angry, or abusive behavior directed at loved ones is self-loathing. Every harsh word we say to loved ones, every cold shoulder or dismissive behavior, makes us dislike ourselves a little more. Steven Stosny, Ph.D., - Website -

Forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution. Give up resentment, come to peace about whatever happened, and forgive yourself and others. There is sometimes the fear that if you forgive people, that means you approve of their behavior. Help yourself come to peace . Accept that the past is fixed and will not change. Forgiveness is a tricky topic. First, it has two distinct meanings: To give up resentment or anger To pardon an offense; to stop seeking punishment or recompense. Here, I am going to focus on the first meaning, which is broad enough to include situations in which you have not let someone off the hook morally or legally, but you still want to come to peace about whatever happened. Finding forgiveness can walk hand in hand with pursuing justice. Second, there is sometimes the fear that if you forgive people, that means you approve of their behavior (like giving them a free pass for wrongdoing). Actually, you can both view an action as morally reprehensible and no longer be angry at the person who did it. You could continue to feel sad at the impacts on you and others—and to take action to make sure it never happens again—but you no longer feel aggrieved, reproachful, or vengeful. Third, forgiveness can seem lofty, like it only applies to big things, like crimes or adultery. But most forgiving is for the small bruises of daily life, when others let you down, thwart or hassle you, or just rub you the wrong way. Fourth, paradoxically, in my experience, the person who gains the most from forgiveness is usually the one who does the forgiving. One reason is that we often forgive people who never know we've forgiven them; much of the time they never knew we felt wronged in the first place! Further, consider two situations: in one, someone has a grudge against you but then forgives you; in the other situation, you have a grudge against someone but then let it go. Which situation takes more of a weight off of your heart? Generally, it's the second one, since you take your own heart wherever you go. Fundamentally, forgiveness frees you from the tangles of anger and retribution, and from preoccupations with the past or with the running case in your mind about the person you're mad at. It shifts your sense of self from a passive one in which bad things happen to you to one in which you are active in changing your own attitudes: You're a hammer now, no longer a nail. It widens your view to see the truth of the many, many things that make people act as they do, placing whatever happened in context, in a larger whole. And, most profoundly, as you forgive yourself—which can coincide with serious corrections in your own thoughts, words, and deeds—your own deep and natural goodness is increasingly revealed. The Practice (Anger) As best you can, take care of yourself and those you care for. Protect yourself against ongoing or potential harm. Do what you can to repair the damage done to you. Keep making your life a good one. Ask for support. We are intensely, viscerally social animals. It is much easier to forgive your trespassers after others bear witness to the ways you've been mistreated. (This point also speaks to the importance of bearing witness to harm done to others, whether it is the impact of a teenager's coldness on your mate or the impacts of religious prejudice on millions of people.) Honor the wound. Try not to be overwhelmed, but be open to the shock, hurt, sense of injustice, anger, or other aspects of the experience. Allow your thoughts and feelings and related desires to have breathing room, and to ebb and flow over time with their own organic rhythms. Forgiveness is not about shutting down your feelings; opening to the experience in a big space of mindful awareness is an aid to forgiveness. Check your story. Watch out for exaggerating how awful, significant, or unforgivable the incident was. Be careful about assuming intent; with modern life, most of us are pretty stressed and scatterbrained much of the time; maybe you unfortunately just bumped into someone else's bad day. Put the event in perspective: Was it really that big a deal, given all the other good things about the person who upset you? Maybe it was, but maybe it wasn't. Appreciate the value of forgiveness. Ask yourself: What does my grievance, my resentment, cost me? Cost others I care about? What would it be like to lay those burdens down? See the big picture. Consider the "10,000 causes" upstream from the person who hurt you, like his or her life and childhood, parents, finances, temperament, health, mental state just before whatever happened, etc. Try not to take wounds so personally. There's an old saying: Each day wounds, and the last one kills. We all get wounded. This doesn't mean making yourself a target or letting wrongdoers off the hook, but it does mean recognizing that the price of being alive includes some inevitable pain—and the risk of serious injury in one form or another. It's not personal. It's life. We don't need to feel offended by it. Help yourself come to peace. Accept that the past is fixed and will not change. Disengage your mind from your story, narrative, or "case" about the events. Steer clear of people who fan the flames of outrage. Focus on the good things in your life, on gratitude. It's bad enough that people have harmed you; don't add insult to injury by getting caught up with them inside your own head; for example, they may have gotten away with some of your money, but don't also give them your mind. Rick Hanson Ph.D. - website - books References: Sherwood H. Religious intolerance is 'bigger cause of prejudice than race', says report. The Guardian. November 15, 2020.

Stop fighting your worries. Listen first, then evaluate. Here's how. When challenging fears and worries, do not assume your anxiety is irrational. Be objective. First write down the facts that seem to justify your fear. This is counterintuitive, but important. Next, write every fact that suggests your worries are not justified. Be specific. Give details. Do the math. How many times did your fear predict something correctly? This post is part two of a series. My previous post included the first three tips for effectively changing intrusive, anxious thoughts through creating a "Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table." That post emphasized the importance of first listening to your upsetting thoughts. This post continues with the next three tips to effectively change intrusive anxious thinking. Let’s quickly review tips 1 through 3. Tip 1: Listen to your fears before jumping in to reassure or challenge them. Start by writing down your “Worries, Fears, Distressing Thoughts” in the left column. Tip 2: Be detailed . Write specifically what your reacting brain fears or predicts. Write every fear and worry – regardless of how “silly” or “irrational” it may seem. Tip 3: Then look below the surface. What supports your fears? What underlying beliefs or assumptions would make fear, worry, anxiety , or panic a justified, reasonable response? In the left side of his Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table, Jonathan wrote his specific fears about his car (something is seriously wrong; every sound means there’s a problem and I will have an accident; I can’t trust the mechanic) and his general beliefs that made the specific fears seem credible (no one can be trusted, bad things happen all the time without warning, so you have to be alert for danger at all times). After listening to your anxious thoughts and putting them into words, turn to the righthand column labeled “Facts, Evidence, Logic, Perspective.” Now you can begin to question and evaluate those pesky, repetitive, and/or frightening fears and worries. These next three tips take you through powerful ways to convincingly challenge anxious worries and fears. I encourage you to work on your own personal “Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table” as you read along. Try these out and see what a difference they make. Tip 4: Do not prejudge. Do not assume that your fear is irrational. Your job is to be unemotionally objective. You do this by paradoxically always first writing any facts that seem to justify the fear. After all, sometimes you are anxious because there is something to be anxious about. Filling out the rows in his righthand column, Jonathan wrote, “Things can go wrong with a car.”; “Mechanics are human and human being can make errors.”; and “Not everyone can be trusted.” Tip 5: Be detailed and specific . Be a little obsessive and pedantic. Channel your inner accountant. Now write every single bit of evidence that suggests that your fears and worries are not justified. Jonathan did not simply write, “My car has not broken down.” His worry could respond by saying, “You’ve just been lucky.” He wrote, “I have driven 88,543 miles in the 6 years I have owned the car. I have never had a car accident. The car has never stopped working. My mechanic keeps the maintenance up to date. I have no evidence that my mechanic has made an error or been untrustworthy. He does all the suggested maintenance. He has never overcharged me. He is always willing to explain what he has done and why. Tip 6: Do the math. Use your phone’s calculator to compare how many times your fear said something was going to happen against how many times what the fear predicted actually occurred. Note: this is different from how many times you were scared. Look at the data. When Jonathan did the math, he wrote, “I drove the car to and from work 5 days/week (that’s 10 times/week), 48 weeks/year (that’s a total of 480 commutes/year), for 6 years (2,880 total trips). My commute is 30 miles each way, so I have commuted 86,400 miles in this car. 86,400 miles – 0 accidents; 0 breakdowns. "At least half the times I drove, I was convinced something was seriously wrong, so my worry convinced me 1,440 times that something was seriously wrong, but my car broke down 0 times and my mechanic found 0 unexpected serious problems. 1440 worries – 0 problems. My worry has been convincing and frightening and wrong 1,440 times in a row. That’s a terrible track record. I would not listen to someone who had been wrong – or who had lied to me – that many times." Test-drive these tips Pick an upsetting thought and create your personal "Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table" following the suggestions above. Notice the impact on your emotions. See the difference between trying to ignore or deny a worry compared to writing about it following these tips. Elizabeth McMahon, Ph.D., - Website - Book - References McMahon, E. (2019). Overcoming Anxiety and Panic interactive guide. San Francisco, CA: Hands-on-Guide.