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When co-parenting fails, parallel parenting can guide you to success. Co-parenting requires significant effort and collaboration. Instead of co-parenting, divorced parents with different values can choose "parallel parenting." Parallel parenting empowers each parent to establish independently the rules and values in their home. When I was recently interviewed for The Puberty Podcast, hosts Cara Natterson and Vanessa Bennett Kroll asked me a question they get asked frequently by their audience: What can a divorced parent do when the other parent does not follow the same values about parenting? My answer, which may have surprised them, was that parents who do not share the same values should give themselves permission to not cooperate with the other parent in agreeing and implementing the same values. Obviously, it is great when parents align their values and parenting philosophies, which can often make raising kids together easier. But for some separated parents, finding this alignment isn't feasible or comes with a cost. In those cases, I said, the answer is parallel parenting. To understand the value of parallel parenting, we have to appreciate its more prevalent counterpart, co-parenting, the model many of us see more frequently. When is Co-Parenting a Fit? If parents were generally on the same page while living in an intact marriage, a structured co-parenting process may work for them. These people can sometimes easily align on divorce terms and resolve issues out of court. The co-parenting model is a fit when parents can communicate respectfully and regularly about their children and commit to working together to accommodate their children's needs over their own. An example of effective co-parenting is when parents agree that their children will play a sport with frequent practices and games that span both parents' parenting time. This means that: both parents are committed to getting the child to practices and games regardless of whose parenting time it is, and they both share the burden of transporting the child to and from such activities; the parents cooperate to make sure the child has his uniform and equipment so the child has it for each practice; and the parents and their significant others or extended family can all attend the child's games without tension or conflict. In an intact family, ensuring our kids get to the right places, with the right stuff, is hard enough; doing it from two different homes requires serious collaboration. Other examples of quality co-parenting are when parents communicate to ensure that a child completes a month-long school project from both homes, parents who implement the same rules about bedtime and screen time, or parents who regularly share their observations about their child's emotional and physical growth. They inform one another when a conversation about puberty, drugs, or pornography is had in their home. There is no exact co-parenting protocol. Some parents may elect to have a meeting once a week; some parents hire a professional to help them structure their communications; and some parents co-parent with their former spouse's new spouse. Regardless of how it works, the general idea is that children feel the same encouragement, reinforcement, and continuity while residing in each parent's home. Co-parenting requires an immense amount of grace and conciliation from both parents, and it comes with a significant burden of forcing ex-spouses to stay in regular, consistent contact with one another and to agree on and implement the same parenting rules and values. When Is Parallel Parenting a Fit? Parallel parenting is effective when contact between the parents must be minimized. Under parallel parenting (which one parent can unilaterally effectuate), a parent sets forth their rules, routine, and values in their home, irrespective of what happens in the other parent's home. This allows parents to "rule the roost" as they see fit in their own homes without worrying about the other parent's interference, judgment, or the need to collaborate. It may be hard to imagine, but children living with parents practicing parallel parenting will adapt to having separate activities and different bedtime or homework rules in each home. If their parents are healthy and appropriate, the children will thrive from having relationships with both parents without exposure to their parent's conflict. The concept of parallel parenting may not have been the answer the Puberty Podcast audience was expecting from me since, as parents, we are taught that consistency is critical for our children. But there is a reason influencers and other public personas—most recently Ashley Darby of The Real Housewives of Potomac—are openly discussing their decisions to parallel parent their children. Parallel parenting is protective of parents and their values, especially those still recovering from the wounds of a rough marriage or an unexpected divorce, and, as such, this model benefits their children by shielding them from parental conflict. Crucially, parallel parenting allows parents to establish and develop relationships with their children, separate from the other parent. Which Post-Divorce Parenting Model Is Right For You? Just as many people don't find easy alignment on their marital issues, many people cannot simply transition from a divorce to a workable, respectful co-parenting structure. In fact, it would serve us well to deemphasize the need for divorcing parents to align in general, as this shouldn't be the de facto goal for estranged couples. A recent New York Times article about the affordability of divorce serves as a great reminder of just how much emphasis is placed on aligning with a former spouse—without acknowledging the problematic reality of doing so. For many people, the end of a marriage comes with financial complexities and a heavy emotional toll, especially when their decision will impact their children forever, making an easy "alignment on the issues" impossible. Post-divorce, parents should be kind to themselves and patient in deciding which method works best for them and their children. No parent should be afraid to parallel parent if that works best. Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, J.D., M.S.W., - Website -

Personal Perspective: Living with a serious medical diagnosis challenges our identity. Cancer rates are increasing among young adults. Anyone facing a serious diagnosis must choose how they will think and talk about it. The first people with AIDS offered a powerful example of claiming their humanity above diagnosis. The frankness and public vulnerability displayed by Catherine, Princess of Wales, in the recent video sharing the news of her cancer diagnosis, offered a curious and concerned world a glimpse into a very public woman’s very human effort to come to grips with a shocking and life-changing medical diagnosis . Although it may seem surprising that such a young, fit woman—Kate is 42—should face cancer when we typically associate the disease with older age, the fact is cancer is increasing in younger adults. The American Cancer Society’s 2024 annual report on cancer facts and trends shows that younger adults are the only age group who have experienced an increase in cancer incidence—rising by 1% to 2% each year between 1995 and 2020. It also shows increasing rates of breast, prostate, and endometrial cancer in young adults. Colorectal cancer is now the leading cause of death for men under 50; it’s second for women in that age group. Each woman and man who—like the Princess of Wales—receives a cancer or other serious medical diagnosis, faces the prospect of not only treating their illness but figuring out for themselves what it will “mean” for them to have it. Here’s how I know. I had recently turned 47 when my doctor called to tell me I had tested HIV-positive. Suddenly, without warning because I had no symptoms, I had to learn how to think of myself as “living with HIV”—rather than simply encouraging friends who had it or writing about it as a health reporter, as I had done for the previous two decades. What would it mean to me to have the very virus that had killed so many of my friends? One thing I was certain of from the beginning of this new “after”: I did not want to be defined by my new HIV status. I wanted simply to keep being John—not “John, the person with HIV.” As I eventually came to put it, HIV is something I have; it’s not who I am. Getting to that point required me to make some choices. For example, I chose to reject the shame and stigma too many people still attach to HIV because of its association with how the virus is mainly transmitted—through sex and injection drug use. Instead, I looked for role models in the earliest people with AIDS—as they insisted on being known. These gay men had already pushed through the shame and stigma they were expected to accept as their plight for being homosexual. As openly, proud gay men, they weren’t about to accept others’ judgments about the deadly new virus that seemed to single them out in the early years of the now 43-year-old HIV pandemic. They insisted on being recognized foremost as persons. Unlike those people back in the 1980s, when there was no effective treatment and a positive HIV test almost certainly meant getting gravely ill and dying prematurely, I had the good fortune to be diagnosed at a time when there were powerful medications available to keep the virus in check and let me go about simply living my life. I made another choice: I would focus on being grateful for those medications, the resourcefulness I needed to ensure I had access to them even during financially challenging times, and that they have let me live with HIV rather than die from it. Choosing how to frame the story we tell ourselves in our self-talk about what a serious diagnosis means is important to how well we live with it. We choose whether we will define our illness—or let it define us. It has huge implications for our mental health and resilience. It’s unlikely the Princess of Wales will become known as “The Princess with Cancer” because her royal title trumps her diagnosis. As it should. Cancer is something she has and must deal with; it’s not who she is. John-Manuel Andriote - Website - Book -

Emotions like anxiety can manifest as unexplained symptoms in children. School-related anxiety accounts for a large percentage of pediatric visits. When school-related anxiety presents with physical symptoms, the child is experiencing the symptoms. Neuroscientific advances shed light on how the emotional brain can send false messages of bodily symptoms. Pediatricians know firsthand that anxiety is a universal experience. Children naturally feel vulnerable and crave protection. We also know that children have feelings in abundance, but often lack the cognitive skills to express them. So, it is not surprising to us when we find that kids, with their limited ability to navigate emotional storms, start experiencing their scary emotions not as feelings but rather through their bodies. According to pre-pandemic data school-related anxiety presenting as unexplained medical symptoms accounted for 5-12 percent of outpatient pediatric visits1. That’s a lot of frightened kids missing a lot of school. Jason, 7 years old, flanked by two unhappy parents, was waiting for me when I arrived at my pediatric office early one Monday morning. Jason had been experiencing frequent unexplained belly pain over the past month and the symptoms had flared again the previous night. By this morning the mid-abdominal pain was sharper, and Jason cried and pleaded that he could not go to school, again. His parents had a list of diagnoses they felt should be ruled out. The school was asking for a “doctor’s note” so he could be allowed to make up the work at home. Then came an important diagnostic clue: “He’s missed five days of school in the past two weeks because of this.” School attendance is one of the most significant markers for how well a child is functioning, and recurrent absenteeism due to unexplained medical symptoms is a red flag for any pediatric provider. The neuroscience of brain mapping that links physical symptoms to the emotional brain has been rapidly advancing in recent decades. Treatment approaches, however, have been slow to make it out of academic centers to professionals in the community. In my work as medical director of the Inpatient Med/Psych program at Hasbro Children’s Hospital, I learned a great deal about the mechanisms of these emotionally based illnesses from the remarkable psychiatrists and psychologists I worked with. I also began to look back on my previous outpatient pediatric practice with dismay. I came to realize that I, like most pediatricians, had been treating minor versions of these emotional illnesses without understanding their full nature. Jason was perched on the edge of the exam table as if preparing for flight. He stared down at his toes with an alertness that made it clear he was listening closely to every word that was spoken. When I attempted to engage him in the conversation, he looked to his parents to answer for him. His lips trembled as I gently pushed my hands around his soft belly. Diagnostic clue number two: Jason seemed more worried about this visit than he was about his belly pain. Pediatricians are pretty good at recognizing emotionally driven symptoms in children. Sure, we include a careful history and physical exam, but when all that is reassuring, and the timing of the pain seems directly related to the anticipation of a school day, then school-related anxiety moves to the top of our diagnostic list. We don’t close the door on other possibilities. But trying to rule out every possible cause of a physical complaint before diagnosing an emotional source is for amateurs. Many parents, on the other hand, are understandably frightened by these symptoms. They know their child is not a liar. They might take offense that I thought the problem was “all in his head,” or feel that I was being dismissive of their concerns. My recommendation to get the child back in school would often sound counterintuitive. There were a few that even left my practice out of fear and frustration that I was unable to quell. A simple, solid MedPsych toolkit that provided me with a clearer understanding of the dynamics of the illness and honed the language I used would have helped me provide clear psychoeducation and align better with many of these worried parents. It would have improved my effectiveness. What did my MedPsych experience teach me? For one thing, “pain is pain,” whether it is caused by the inflammatory mediators that rush to a very sprained ankle, or by misleading signals across the emotional matrix of the brain, sending messages of pain out to a specific body part. In short, Jason may have had the healthiest belly in southern New England, but as I now realize, he was actually experiencing pain. He truly had no understanding that it was related to school. In a pediatric Catch-22, if he was able to recognize how anxious he actually was about school, his emotional brain wouldn’t have produced these decoy abdominal symptoms to begin with. Simply put, Jason was not faking. His anxiety at the thought of walking into that giant brick building was overwhelming his fledgling coping mechanisms. His emotional brain, in a frantic display of strength, was using a host of neurotransmitters and specialized proteins to send out false but compelling messages of physical symptoms. Pediatric providers need to look these young patients in the eye and tell them, not as an attempt at diplomacy but with conviction, that we believe them. We understand they are experiencing the symptoms they say they are experiencing. And we follow that with basic psychoeducation about the role of the emotional brain in producing these very real symptoms. That is where trust and healing begin. That is how we align with the child and their family. Only then can we help them better understand and connect with their feelings. Sometimes they will need to continue this work with a therapist. Sometimes not. The next critical step is to restore function. Jason’s pediatric provider, his parents, and his teachers must be able to expect and tolerate the inevitable distress, both Jason’s and our own, as we avoid excusing absences and help the distraught child back into the classroom in a compassionate way. Maggie Kozel, M.D. - Website - References 1. Ramsawh HJ, Chavira DA, Stein MB. Burden of anxiety disorders in pediatric medical settings: prevalence, phenomenology, and a research agenda. Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 2010 Oct;164(10):965-72. doi: 10.1001/archpediatrics.2010.170. PMID: 20921356; PMCID: PMC3106429.

Here's how perceived financial constraints can ruin happiness. Making a purchase should give someone pleasure. However, feeling financially strained, even if it's not true, can undermine purchase happiness. After making a decision to buy, it's often best to leave any second-guessing at the door. If you are like most people, you have probably experienced financial constraints at some point in your lifetime. We go to college or graduate school in lieu of working a full-time job, yet we experience financial constraints, or scarcity, during this time. Getting a pay cut or, even worse, being laid off creates feelings of constraint and financial scarcity that are both objectively and psychologically constraining. Americans are notorious for carrying debt, and most Americans don’t have enough money saved to cover an unexpected emergency costing a few thousand dollars. Financial issues are so common that there is even a “Financial Health Matters Day.” Financial constraints are often thought about in objective terms, yet financial constraints can also be perceived in our minds. For instance, if you have money invested in the stock market and your portfolio has been steadily (or rapidly) declining, you will likely feel financially constrained or downright unhappy, even if you are objectively doing OK. On Warren Buffet’s drive to his office, he stops at McDonald’s for breakfast each day and will order a couple of sausage patties when the market is down and he is not feeling “prosperous” ($2.61), whereas he will splurge when the market is up and order a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit ($3.17)1. The richest investor in history appears to experience subjective feelings of scarcity, even if they are delusional. Objective and subjective feelings of scarcity have been researched extensively, finding that scarcity can decrease intellectual performance and happiness2. Recently, a team of consumer psychologists set out to examine how perceived financial constraints influence our happiness when it comes to spending money. The researchers conducted experiments with over 7,000 participants to investigate how perceived financial constraints impact how happy we are when making a purchase3. Across these experiments, the data showed that feeling financially constrained made people less happy when they decided to buy something. In other words, feeling like our personal finances are tight makes us less happy when we decide to make a purchase. The objective relationship between financial constraints and purchase dissatisfaction is intuitive, so the researchers also looked at perceived constraint by asking participants to write about ways they feel financially constrained (versus not). Even when holding participants’ objective financial status constant, perceived constraint made people less happy when recalling a purchase they had made. This effect occurred, in part, due to opportunity cost. When we feel financially constrained and decide to buy a new TV, we are more likely to think about how we could have spent that money on the new pair of sneakers that we also need. In a time when the stock market is perpetually down, and many Americans are getting laid off, the findings from this research are more relevant than ever. So, how can you overcome the feeling of not enjoying your purchases when times are tight? The best strategy is to consider your options upfront, make the best decision you can, and then leave any second-guessing at the door. Considering your other options after the fact does more harm than good, so just tell yourself that you made the right decision for yourself at the time. Budgeting can also help, and keep in mind to budget for unexpected expenses, such as car repairs or medical bills. Financial constraints are a foe, not a friend. They can put us into a scarcity mindset and make us less happy with buying things that should bring us joy. But by making informed purchases, budgeting wisely, and not thinking about what else the money could have gone towards once it is already, well, gone, you can enjoy what you spend your hard-earned money on and improve your happiness. Max Alberhasky, Ph.D., - Website - References 1. Warren Buffet Morning Routine 2. Mullainathan, S., & Shafir, E. (2013). Scarcity: Why having too little means so much. Macmillan. 3. Dias, R. S., Sharma, E., & Fitzsimons, G. J. (2022). Spending and Happiness: The Role of Perceived Financial Constraints. Journal of Consumer Research, 49(3), 373-388.

Hoarding research has uncovered a genetic link and high heritability rates. Hoarding is often mocked, stigmatized, and used as entertainment in shows like Hoarders. Previously regarded as a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) , in 2013, hoarding was designated as a separate disorder in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, hoarding disorder (HD), for which approximately 2 percent of the population meets the criteria. HD not only affects the person diagnosed, but it can also affect the family unit. As the person acquires more possessions over time, they place more value on these items. They become reluctant to part with these belongings and develop unhealthy attachments to the possessions. Amelia* spoke to us about her experience growing up in a hoarding household. She shared that while growing up, her mother often bought or held on to an assortment of items they didn’t need or had no use for. She would keep various broken items to be used later in art projects. Any attempt to throw out any items, including those that belonged to Amelia, was met with resistance and anger. As a result of her upbringing and her now conflicting values, Amelia hates cluttered spaces but also struggles to throw out items she doesn’t need. “I was taught that everything has value," she said. "I was taught that to get rid of things, even when broken or unwanted, was wasting money and irresponsible.” Amelia shared that her mom did not have much of her own when growing up and had to work for everything she now owned as an adult. Her hoarding behavior increased in severity over time, especially after Amelia left home. “It was like walking into an episode of Hoarders,” she recalled. Interestingly, it was discovered that Amelia’s maternal grandfather and great-grandfather were hoarders for similar reasons. In her study, hoarding researcher Carol A. Mathews at the University of Florida’s Department of Neuroscience found significant heritability for hoarding, a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Genetic factors accounted for 36 percent of the variance for hoarding. In a 2007 study, gene researchers analyzing samples from 999 OCD patients in 219 families found that families with more hoarding relatives displayed a unique pattern on chromosome 14. While research continues to unfold, this suggests that, in addition to environmental factors, genetics may play a role in hoarding in families. Mathews clarifies that these findings do not mean that those with a genetic susceptibility are destined to be hoarders. The development of hoarding habits can be influenced by factors such as the individual’s upbringing, whether they are aware of their vulnerability to the behavior, and the prevalence of hoarding within the family. With mental health support, one can learn to cope with hoarding and prevent the increasing severity. It is important to recognize the risks and signs of developing HD and to engage in preventative measures. While current hoarding interventions focus primarily on addressing the problem once it has started, individuals can take preventative measures themselves. When it comes to treatment for hoarding, psychotherapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy, is recommended to address the underlying mental health challenges at play. Individuals can also seek out resources such as decluttering programs and other resources that can provide them with advice and assistance. Robert T. Muller, Ph.D. - Website -

Introverts: Speak Up (From Inside Out) It can help to anticipate the most likely questions and objections that could come up at a meeting. Taking an improv class can build skills at speaking on the spot. Introverts may take comfort in the iterative process of writing and editing to express their thoughts. I’ve long struggled with feeling drowned out by others’ opinions. To the extent that I’ve learned from that and gotten my voice heard, I aim to inspire others to do the same, especially my fellow introverts. If you’re anything like me, you default to assuming that those who sound more confident than you are more knowledgeable. As a wake-up call to your conscious mind, how about reminding yourself that those who speak authoritatively, as if they have all the answers, aren’t always right? Captains of industry, bigwig politicians, and even garden-variety bosses (or controllers!) come to mind. Since when do the quantity, veneer, and volume of their words correspond to the quality of their messages? Do you buy into their pretense that their opinions are facts—and yours aren’t worth expressing? Maybe you can relate to sitting at group meetings feeling stymied, tempted to join the conversation, but overcome by the rumblings of your inner critic drowning you out. Here’s a sample mashup of the voices inside my head, especially when meeting with colleagues I perceive as more accomplished or assertive than I am: Timid inner me : I disagree with what the head honcho said, but it’s too risky to pipe up. Shaming inner me : Yup. You’ll ramble or bumble. Timid : So, maybe no one will notice if I quietly mumble. Shaming : You mean fumble! Why don’t you just cover your mouth, so nobody notices? Now that I’ve given you a glimpse into my mental murmurs, you can see what it’s like when my inner dialogue goes unchecked. So, my inner referee sends the Timid and Shaming Me for a time-out. But first, Shaming Me blows a Bronx cheer between my ears (a.k.a. a big, farty “raspberry”) for being a party pooper. My dynamic duo will be back. Trust that if your cast of characters is shadowboxing inside your head, you’re in good company. So, join me for a few simple activities, even if only as reminders: Inhale. Exhale. Feel your feet on the ground. Remember that you know your stuff; you excel at listening attentively, thinking critically, and solving problems, among your other introvert—or just human—superpowers. Trust your judgment. Also, try out these tips, which help get me grounded: 1. Manage anticipated challenges: a. Rest up: Recharge your energy, possibly through solitary activities that replenish your mind and body. Those could include walking, reading, listening to music, or even speaking with a confidante. b. Prepare: Anticipate the most likely questions and objections that could come up at an upcoming meeting, Q&A, or negotiation. Consider what the other parties are likely to say and how you would respond. You might be surprised that this could cover 80 percent of what comes up. c. Practice: Rehearse your answers, ideally out loud and in a role-play with someone you trust—not just in your head—and, better yet, video record and review yourself rehearsing. 2. Manage unanticipated challenges: a. Improvise: Take an improv class to build up your skills at speaking on the spot. That starts with listening attentively, trusting yourself, and building positively on what you hear. I find it exhilarating to get in a flow state with others; that can entail losing a sense of time and space while being pleasantly absorbed in your interaction. This is a stretch assignment for many introverts and a career booster. For more about that, check out my interview with Caitlin McClure, editor and co-author of Applied Improvisation: Leading, Collaborating, and Creating Beyond the Theatre. Also, don’t miss my interview with Carl Kissin, another masterful improviser. b. Deflect: When you’re put on the spot, practice deflecting questions and comments to others to take the spotlight off you and buy yourself time. This isn’t in the spirit of catapulting a colleague into the hot seat you’re trying to escape. Instead, it’s offering an alternative to keep a conversation moving while buying you time. c. Defer: Offer to follow up later, possibly by email. Use the power of your pen or keyboard to tap out your thoughts in your own time. As an introvert, you may take comfort in the iterative process of writing and editing to express your thoughts on your own watch. This approach also provides you time to do a little research to check your facts before you share them. All these tips are in service of becoming conscious of your unconscious dialogue. As an introvert, I’m not always chatty—except between my ears. So, I’m offering you what works for me as a starting point for egging on your own voice at meetings and beyond. Why? Simply for the intrinsic value of joining the conversation, but also to raise your visibility in your career. These tips are from my experience—as well as my decades as a career strategist and graduate business communication instructor at NYU. If you want to learn more, the dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT, work of psychologist Marsha Linehan on what she calls the emotional mind, reasonable mind, and wise mind offers a strong foundation. Nil Demircubuk, an integrative coach, recently introduced me to the teachings of Shirzad Chamine, whose bestselling book, Positive Intelligence (PQ), delves into what he calls the sage and saboteur minds. Demircubuk says, “I put my clients on the app based on the PQ program, which is fitness training for the mind. It teaches you how to move away from thoughts and patterns that do not serve you and into those that help you grow and be more fulfilled.” Now, I use the app every day as a clarion call to reconnect with my Grounded Me, a.k.a. my Earth-to-Nancy nudge! Speaking of getting grounded, see this post about managing shame by Erin Dullea, MAPP, CPPC, a positive psychology practitioner and coach. Before we part for now, this is what I wish for you: Find your way to get yourself grounded and speak up—so more and more people can benefit from the value that even a quiet voice can bring. Nancy Ancowitz - Website - References Ancowitz, N. (2018, August 6). Stretch opportunity for introverts: Applied improvisation. Psychology Today. Dudeck, T. R., & McClure, C. (2018). Applied Improvisation: Leading, Collaborating, and Creating Beyond the Theatre. Routledge. Ancowitz, N. (2017, March 20). Improv muscle. Psychology Today. Dullea, E. (2024, March 13). Transform your relationship to shame. Psychology Today. Chamine, S. (2012). Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours. Greenleaf Book Group Press.

Understanding complexities to help move towards possible realities. Whenever two people are raising a child together, co-parenting or some parallel of co-parenting is likely happening. Co-parenting involves collaboration and is a process rather than a category. Parents engage in co-parenting differently based on many factors. Co-parenting, or a version of it, is occurring in Black communities, although the term may not fit with cultural values and experiences. Two people have a child together. Maybe they were married? Maybe dating? Or maybe they were “just having sex”? In this case, the "how" may not be as important as the "what" they produced – a beautiful soul who they have the opportunity to love and raise in this complicated world. It is real that working with another human to raise a little human is hard work. Parenting with a person that you otherwise would possibly have no contact with if given a choice is likely the hardest work that two people can do. Yes, many people do some version of this parenting life – often referenced as “co-parenting.” Co-parenting is a term that is born out of, but not limited to, divorce. Wherever there are two people raising a child together (which does not mean with equal or equitable responsibilities), co-parenting or some parallel to co-parenting is likely happening. Let’s learn more… Co-parenting is a collaboration evidenced by the “co-”. That sounds so nice. “Ah…you guys get along so well!” However, let us not confuse ourselves because the “co-” does not have to also mean cooperation. This is an assumption to avoid. At its most basic level, co-parenting involves a process in which parents work together, from each of their distinct roles, to raise their child (Feinberg, 2002). “Together” is the most important word here, again linking us to “collaboration.” Think of how collaborations happen at work. Collaboration can be required, but unfortunately, that doesn’t always mean cooperation will be integrated. Similarly, when it comes to co-parenting, relationships are complicated and there are many levels. The quality of the collaboration (togetherness) and the degree of this collaboration may vary across co-parenting relationships. For example, two parents can show up to the teacher conference or show up to the soccer game to support their child/children. They can engage, support their child and even make decisions together. Hence collaboration. But, goodness… there are definitely times when there is strain and cooperation is lacking. So, for those who are collaborating, let’s give credit where credit is due (to ourselves or others) and leave space for the cooperation to grow. Co-parents may be married, in an ongoing romantic relationship, separated/divorced or may never have been in a formal relationship (McHale, 2012). Regardless of the structure in which it occurs, co-parenting involves managing the relationship with the other parent so that you can show up, be on the same team, to support your child the best way you know how. Co-parenting is a process. “You can get with this or you can get with that.” “Either you is or either you ain’t.” We love our categorical declarations. They appear to make it easier to organize and communicate about our world. But it can get tricky. A commitment to categories can also limit us (e.g., racial categories) and oversimplify the complexities of our world. So, we need to be clear that co-parenting is a process, not a category. We shift from thinking of co-parenting as more than something parents do or don’t do (categories). Instead, it is a process that parents engage in differently depending on their individual characteristics and priorities, the current nature of their relationship and/or across different stages of their child’s development. Whenever systems change, the process changes… right? Co-parenting is the same. It is important to realize that as children develop and change, each parent is on their own version of that same journey. The processes and approaches involved in parenting will likely change over time. As people change, relationships change. As a result, the co-parenting process will change too. We may benefit from considering that there are degrees to this process and allowing space for the evolution of what our souls really need. We cannot predict what that change will look like, but we can make space for what we know is coming. Co-parenting (as a process) is occurring in Black communities In the Black community, “co-parenting” is not a term that has been a natural part of our language. It may even be “under evaluation” for its “fit” with the cultural norms and experiences of Black folks. This is a fair pause because adopting existing language can also mean adopting cultural assumptions, beliefs, and behaviors, which is not always the best route. It continues to be important for Black people to define ourselves and our experiences using language that is consistent with our experiences and values. We are working on it. In the meantime, what we do know is that being an “unmarried mother” does not equate to an “uninvolved” father (Grange, 2020). While there has been an imposed cultural narrative suggesting that Black father involvement is lacking, particularly outside of the context of marriage, we know that non-residential Black fathers are actually showing up, and in some cases more than non-residential fathers in other racial groups (Ellerbe, Jones, and Carlson, 2018). Thus, if we know that people will continue to parent outside of traditional norms, and we know that some fathers are working to be involved in the parenting process, Black families and communities are served by using language that captures what that involvement looks like. To varying degrees, co-parenting, or a version of it, is occurring. While there is data speaking to the presence of the process, we do not know the prevalence of the process in the Black community. We may also be missing the opportunity to use language that highlights an important reality for Black families. Whether it is called co-parenting or something else, acknowledging the process is an important addition to the narrative representing the diverse realities of Black families. Understanding diverse parenting realities and strategies for managing them can only benefit our understanding of Black families and ultimately contribute to the well-being of our collective souls. Christina Grange, Ph.D., Charlie Harris, Ph.D., Al Williams, Ph.D. References Feinberg, M (2002). Coparenting and the transition to parenthood: A framework for prevention. Clinical Child Family Psychology Review, 5(3), 173-195. Grange, C. (2020). Evolving the “single Black mother” narrative. The National Center for Institutional Diversity. McHale, J., Waller, M.R., and Pearson, J. (2012). Co-parenting interventions for fragile families: What do we know and where do we need to go next? Family Process, 51(3), 284-306. Ellerbe., C., Jones., J, and Carlson, M. (2018). Race/Ethnic differences in nonresidential father involvement after nonmarital birth. Social Science Quarterly, 99(1158-1182).

The hidden ways that your emotions influence what you do with your money. Emotions impact financial decisions often more than logic and reason do. Fear can lead us to play it safe, while greed can cause us to overlook risk. Acknowledging the role emotions play in your choices can help you make smarter financial decisions. Finances are typically considered a matter of the mind, not the heart. Whether we're creating a budget, or picking a stock to invest in, we tend to see financial considerations as more logical and rational than other categories of decisions we make throughout the week. After all, most people agree we need to be smart when it comes to money—or else we will literally pay the price of ignorance. Decisions about money are the perfect example of how practicing what one preaches can be extremely difficult. Emotions are a primary driver of decisions; in that we tend to feel positive or negative about something immediately—it's only later that we try to develop reasons or arguments to support this feeling. The feeling-first model explains why it’s so difficult for us to walk away from a new pair of shoes we love at the store or say no to a night out with friends when these purchases are not in our budget. The planner in us knows it is the logically incorrect decision, but the feeler in us wants nothing more than to say yes. Here are some of the biggest emotions driving your financial decisions, and how they work. 1. Fear Fear is perhaps the most powerful emotion when it comes to shaping financial decisions. Research has found that the fear of losing $100 is significantly stronger in magnitude than the excitement of winning $100, a concept dubbed loss aversion.2 Panic buying, which was on full display during COVID, is fundamentally driven by fear. All logic goes out the window, and fear leads people to buy all 20 bottles of hand sanitizer that Target has on the shelf. The insurance industry is fundamentally fueled by fear. Insurance companies make money by, on average, changing customers more money in premiums than what the company must pay out in claims. However, we all happily purchase insurance to squash any fear of completely losing our home, car, or iPhone even though this insurance is a losing bet on average. Fear also manifests itself in business and investing—dissuading some people from starting their own businesses or investing money in the stock market or leading them to pull money out of the stock market at the first sign of a downturn. 2. Greed The emotion of greed can drive us to take on excessive risk in the pursuit of glamorous fortunes. Compared to other emotions, greed tends to be more rational or calculated. Research finds that if you give people money and offer them the opportunity to share this money with someone or keep it, our spontaneous gut reaction is to be generous and share. However, if you allow people to think deeply about this decision, people tend to make greedier decisions. While fear leads us to overestimate the odds of negative outcomes, greed can lead us to underestimate these odds. Greed promotes get-rich-quick thinking with money—leading to such behaviors as gambling, investing in cryptocurrency, and buying lottery tickets. (Some economists refer to the purchase of lottery tickets as a tax on the stupid—a fact I’m often scowled at for sharing with my friends). The emotion of greed can also lead people to overlook any downsides or risk, focusing only on the potential upsides—fantasizing about what it would feel like once you “hit it big”. 3. Anxiety and depression Anxiety and depression operate differently than fear and greed. These emotions will often lead to what behavioral science calls “decision paralysis.” Because it often stems from instability in a relationship, a problem at work, or the negative results of another financial decision, experiencing anxiety and depression often leads to neglecting decision-making when it comes to personal finances. Putting off choices can be a positive thing at times—for example, it can help prevent impulse purchases. On the other hand, decision paralysis can have negative consequences such as waiting too long to start investing in a retirement account or neglecting to pay off debts with nasty accumulating interest rates. How to Make Better Financial Decisions Financial decisions, just like any other decision you make, can come from the head or the heart. Try asking yourself and other questions such as the following: Is this an emotional or logical decision? Are my emotions causing me to be too cautious and miss out on a good opportunity? Are my emotions causing me to be too excited and overlook the risks of a given opportunity? Is decision paralysis making an unpleasant situation even worse? At a meta-level, understanding how emotions can impact financial choices is powerful. Next time you’re at a crossroads with a financial decision, ask yourself what role your emotions might be playing to help make the best choice possible. Max Alberhasky, Ph.D., - Website - References Haidt, J. (2001). The emotional dog and its rational tail: a social intuitionist approach to moral judgment. Psychological review, 108(4), 814. Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. macmillan. Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. HarperCollins Publishers.

Understanding and coping with toxic behavior. Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and frustrating and can negatively impact your health. Limit interactions with a narcissist whenever possible and prioritize self-care. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the narcissist's behavior or emotions. Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior Narcissists have an overwhelming need for admiration and validation, constantly seeking attention and recognition for their achievements, real or perceived. They often lack empathy, disregarding the feelings and needs of others in pursuit of their goals and desires. Additionally, narcissists tend to have a grandiose sense of self-importance, believing they are superior to others and deserving of special treatment. They demand “loyalty” from others but don’t give it in return. The narcissist’s version of loyalty means you give in to their demands, focus all your attention on them, and don’t set boundaries with them. Even if you give a narcissist your undivided attention, it still won’t be enough attention for them. For this reason, narcissists tend to engage in infidelity , sometimes with multiple partners. The Toll on Relationships Whether it's a personal or professional relationship, dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and frustrating. In personal relationships, narcissists tend to manipulate and exploit their partners, using them as a means to boost their ego and fulfill their endless ego needs. They may also gaslight, making their partners doubt their perceptions and reality. If you are told that you are crazy and shouldn’t trust your perceptions, it is more likely that you will become more dependent on the narcissist for their version of reality. In the workplace, narcissists can create a toxic environment filled with pathological competition, manipulation, and favoritism. They may take credit for others' work, undermine their colleagues, and develop a culture of fear and insecurity. This behavior affects the morale and productivity of the team and can lead to high turnover and employee burnout. Impact on Your Emotional and Mental Health The narcissist’s constant need for validation and admiration can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. You may experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety , and depression as you struggle to meet the unrealistic expectations of a narcissist. The lack of empathy and emotional support from a narcissist can make you feel isolated and emotionally drained. You may notice an increase in health issues , such as migraines, insomnia, and irritable bowel syndrome, as a result of increased stress. Having a narcissist in your life can lead to a cycle of emotional abuse, where you are manipulated, gaslit, and made to feel responsible for the narcissist's emotions and actions. You can experience low self-esteem, self-doubt, and difficulty trusting others in future relationships. Coping Strategies While dealing with narcissists can be challenging, some strategies can help decrease the impact of narcissism on your daily life: Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate your needs assertively. Be aware that narcissists will usually respond to boundaries with anger or stonewalling (ignoring you). Limit interactions with the narcissist when possible and prioritize self-care. Going no-contact is the most effective strategy for reducing the impact of narcissism on your life. If you can’t go for no-contact—for example, because you have children together—consider going for low-contact. When you go low-contact, if you do have to see the narcissist, it is for a brief period. Seek support: Contact trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support and validation. Talking to others can help validate your experiences and provide perspective. You may feel that no one will believe what you have been through with the narcissist, especially since some of the narcissist’s behavior is so outlandish. Thinking that you won’t be believed is common when you are the victim of a narcissist. The narcissist may have even told you no one will believe you. Many others have experienced what you have and can help you process the trauma you have experienced. Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the narcissist's behavior or emotions. The narcissist may have told you everything was your fault. This claim is false and was used by the narcissist to isolate you and guilt and shame you. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself as if you were your own best friend. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Determining what brings you joy and fulfillment is up to you and only you. Focus on empowerment: Shift your focus from trying to change the narcissist to empowering yourself. You can’t change a narcissist. First, people have to want to get help to change, whether they are narcissists or not. Keep your focus on you and your well-being. Set goals, pursue your interests, and build a support network of positive relationships. Try to keep as much distance from you and the narcissist as possible. Consider professional help: If the impact of dealing with a narcissist becomes overwhelming, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide guidance and support in navigating complicated relationships and developing coping strategies. Understanding the impact of narcissists on daily life is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well-being. By recognizing narcissistic behavior, setting boundaries, seeking support, limiting contact with toxic people, and prioritizing self-care, you can decrease the adverse effects of toxic people around you and regain a sense of empowerment in your relationships and daily interactions. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., N.C.C., D.C.M.H.S., L.M.H.C., - Website -

Sex can be much better when it is talked about, explained, and demonstrated. Does that mean talking about sex? It could. "I don't like to kiss in the morning until after I have brushed my teeth. How about I get back into bed after I do?" Or “I’m uncomfortable having sex when I am on my period. Let’s just cuddle tonight instead.” Many people expect their partner to “just know” why they act as they do. Verbally explaining why, you act as you do go a long way toward mutual comfort and understanding. Particularly when it explains one partner’s behavior to the other, problem-solving goes a long way toward better sex, Another main channel of communication about sex is letting your partner know what and exactly how you like sex. That could be verbal conversation, such as “I love it when you play with my nipples, but I would like you to be gentler with them. They’re sensitive.” Or it could be direct but nonverbal communication, by taking your partner’s hand and moving it where and how you prefer and in what manner. A partner may be enormously relieved if you have the courage to communicate. “Oh, now I see that it’s not that you didn’t like kissing. It’s only about teeth brushing!” Or “You’re not rejecting me and sex entirely. It’s that time of the month.” If a couple is dating and she keeps refusing his advances, she may have to tell him her reasons straight out. “I have to tell you that my religion forbids sex before marriage. It’s not that I don’t like you.” Or “I never have sex before the fourth date.” Or whatever the truth is, even if it’s, “I’m just not sure yet. Please don’t rush me.” A lack of good communication can lead to festering misunderstanding with your partner. “Why are you pouting? It’s not that I don’t like to do that. I don’t know how! Why don’t you show me how you like that. I would like it, too” Clear communication may not always improve sex, but it is certain to improve the relationship through clarification. If you watch TV sitcoms, you will see that not a single plot would work if one character simply told the other(s) what was going on, how they felt, or what they wanted. In general, the more you communicate about your sexual preferences, the better your sex will be. Isadora Alman, M.F.T., - Website - Book -

Are there big periods of time you can't remember? Many survivors of family trauma and violence find that they struggle to acknowledge their history. Acknowledging that history is the first step in moving forward and healing, if you choose to do so. While not exhaustive, these questions can help provide some guidance and support through acknowledgment. It can be difficult to admit to a history of childhood trauma, especially when it comes from your family of origin. In fact, it can be so difficult that many people find it easier to stay in denial. They adopt a common mentality of “So what? Everyone has trauma” which keeps them stuck somewhere between acknowledgment and denial. In my professional as well as personal experience, I find that most people know whether or not they have a traumatic history, but admitting it brings guilt, remorse, grief, and a range of negative feelings along with it. Many people start to experience negative symptoms or emotions and feel the need to work through their traumas and heal. Others only feel the need to go back and work through their childhood trauma when their own children provoke insecurities or hidden trigger wounds. These are some of the statements I sometimes ask clients to consider during their intake to assess for a traumatic history. The list is not exhaustive, nor exclusive for assessing childhood family trauma, but the way clients respond can let me know if these are areas we might want to explore. If you are wondering if your past is possibly impacting your present life, reading through and completing the following statements with your responses can help. They may not be able to tell you about your history, or what to expect from the healing process, but they can give you an idea of whether or not you are in the right place to begin yours. This is by no means an exhaustive list, as there are many different ways that childhood trauma can take place in one's family of origin. Rather, these questions can be used as a guide to shape your journey of awareness and healing. Ask yourself: When I think of my childhood, I feel sadness or loss: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have difficulty getting along with one or more of my adult caregivers: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I worry that people will leave or abandon me: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I struggle with relationships (platonic or romantic) or feel like I can’t seem to have a healthy relationship: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I worry that I am not worthy of love: Never Sometimes Often Frequently When I think about my childhood, there are big periods of time that I do not remember: Never Sometimes Often Frequently It is difficult for me to spend time with my parents or family for more than a short period. I need limited or controlled environments: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I feel “different” or disconnected from others, or that others do not understand me: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have a history of unhealthy relationships with food, alcohol, or other substances: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I find it difficult to trust or rely on others because I feel like people will end up hurting me in the end: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have been told that I “overreact” or respond with a much higher reaction than situations warrant: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have been physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally mistreated by someone who was supposed to care for me: Never Sometimes Often Frequently. Often, clients come to see me for other reasons, not yet recognizing their traumatic childhood experiences and how these experiences may have led to where they are presently. While some responses that might indicate that potential childhood trauma could be caused by or related to other conditions, like people who are neurodivergent or present with intellectual disabilities, if clients relate to more than a few of them, I know to further explore that direction. Use these questions to guide your own self-exploration. If any statement made you feel uneasy or triggered something in you, this is a clue that it is a sensitive area. It is important to understand that trauma will manifest itself differently in each us, as trauma is not always about the events that took place, but also about the support and resources you had (if any) to help you get through the events that took place. Therefore, it is possible for someone who scores higher on the above test, yet who had good support, to feel that their life is less impacted by their history than, for example, someone who scored lower but perhaps did not have any support to make it through what happened. There is no requirement for how one should feel; it's okay if you do not feel affected by your history. Moreover, if you feel greatly affected by your history, but "only" answered affirmatively to a small number of questions, this is also okay. Manifestations of trauma, like the experiences that led to them, is personal. No two experiences are exactly the same. When we start the process of healing, we naturally want to fast-forward through the difficult parts and get to the healing. As difficult as it can be, try to heal safely—even if that means healing slowly. No matter where you are in your journey—only just uncovering or continuing the process of recovery—my hope is that you get support to help along the way. If you feel that you were affected by your history and want support in working through your experiences, please reach out to a therapist who can help. It is common for the act of revisiting childhood memories to be painful or difficult, and there is no shame in seeking therapy or additional support if it brings up difficult feelings. Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, - Website - Book -

5 ways to create heathy interdependence in your partnership. There was a time when "codependence" wasn't a word. But years ago, when spouses of alcoholics began meeting together for support and understanding, the term was created to explain the dynamic between an alcoholic and their partner, who was spending a lot of time making things work and "enabling" the alcoholic – while believing that they were doing the right thing by keeping the impact of the alcoholic's behavior a secret. For example, they'd lie about the real reason their partner was late to work, or they couldn't make it to a party. Melodie Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, explained that one common denominator in recognizing this "codependence" was having a relationship with someone troubled, needy, or dependent. But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that were consciously and unconsciously followed. As these spouses began to recognize that they were living out these same unspoken rules, lightbulbs went on. "Hey, wait a minute. What we all thought was our own private answer to the very painful problem of a partner's alcoholism actually enables the alcoholic to stay immersed in their illness." And Al-Anon was born. Codependence as Relationship Addiction Yet the meaning of the term "codependent" has broadened widely since its inception. Now, codependence has been described as "relationship addiction." This means losing yourself in the relationship, including such an intense fear of it ending that you'll sacrifice yourself to keep it intact. Instead of your partner enhancing the life you've created for yourself, you feel as if you couldn't live without them. Sure, we all get heady with first love, and you feel as if you can't breathe if you don't get to see them soon. I'm not talking about that stage of falling in love. Most people move out of that and into every day, pull-your-boots-on-and-live-life kind of love. Codependence keeps that normalcy from happening. Is there any kind of healthy "dependence?" So, is any kind of relationship dependence a bad thing? Certainly, you'll hear statements by relationship gurus such as, "No one can make you happy but yourself." Or, "I don't need anyone else to be complete." While there is some truth to these statements, they're not what makes relationships or intimacy work. That's the product of healthy interdependence. So, what is that? It's when you value and work hard at being in a relationship while not losing your identity as an individual. You can be a "we" while also being an "I." 5 Means to Create Healthy Interdependence Here are five ways to help make healthy interdependence happen in your relationship. You each claim or own your value – your individual competencies both in and out of the relationship. You know and can express what you bring to the relationship that's positive. You each have a voice, which you use to negotiate and compromise. You sometimes lead. You sometimes follow. But you take a stance. You each create boundaries that are reasonable and respected. Those boundaries aren't manipulative or controlling but healthy and create trust. You each take responsibility for your vulnerabilities and their impact on you and the relationship. "I'm sorry" is appreciated after you cause some kind of damage. But not if it's not followed up by attempts at change. Realizing that your mistakes, insecurity, or struggles influence your partner and your family — and then doing something about them — is key to growing healthy together. You each desire to grow into emotional vulnerability with one another. That can look like play. It can look like sexual exploration. It can look like tenderness. Can I Remain in Emotional Control and Enjoy Interdependence? Healthy interdependence would be almost impossible to build if you need to appear like you've got everything under control or if you identify with perfectly hidden depression because your camouflage won't allow you to reveal vulnerability. You may be hiding so well that no one can find you, not even a loving partner. And that's why a perfect-seeming life, haunted by unexpressed emotional pain, is so terribly lonely. The trust of healthy interdependence cannot occur. Unless you risk, and you can decide to do just that. You can risk allowing the camouflage to drop a little at a time. Margaret Rutherford, Ph.D. - website - books