Try this step-by-step process for cleaning up your negative thoughts. Your negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs prevent you from creating the life you want and deserve. You can take control of your negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs by challenging their accuracy. Once you identify inaccurate negative thoughts, you can replace them with healthier and more adaptive ones. Everything ever imagined, created, or achieved was first thought. Positive or negative thoughts inform our choices and impact our self-confidence, sense of identity, choices, relationships, and ability to connect to others and ourselves. Everything is great when we feel good, making choices that support our happiness and lead us forward. But when our thoughts support rigid thinking and self-limiting narratives that lead to anxiety , depression , and chronic worrying, and result in a loss of faith in ourselves and our abilities, or prevent us from connecting with others, pursuing careers that hold genuine meaning for us, we need to stand up for ourselves and take control to live the life we truly want. The good news is that when it comes to our thoughts, we can take control of our thoughts, one thought at a time. Negative Thoughts As a clinical psychologist, I have spent my working life helping clients clean up the negative thoughts that hold them back from maintaining healthy relationships with others, achieving the goals they want for themselves, and creating the life they truly want. Together, we work to identify and challenge the negative thoughts in their lives. We then rewrite and replace these thoughts with more accurate, supportive, and healthier ones; we reframe their views about what is possible and what their lives can be. And finally, we bring in supports and strategies to help reinforce and sustain these healthier, more adaptive positive thoughts. When it comes to our thoughts, we have a choice: We can choose to reframe negative thinking by challenging the accuracy of our negative thoughts. We can choose to think about how we think about our lives and ourselves. And we can challenge the truth about our negative thoughts and replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. The process is clear: Challenge, rewrite, and reframe negative thoughts and reinforce the new, healthier, and more life-affirming ones. How to Begin Begin by taking an inventory of your negative thoughts and beliefs: Make a list of your negative core beliefs and automatic thoughts. Consider how these thoughts and beliefs limit and restrict your choices, create obstacles to your growth, and keep you stuck in roles and situations that no longer make you happy. Include in your list situations where you overestimate the probability of bad things happening, when you make excuses and resist challenging yourself to try new things, connect meaningfully with people, and hold yourself back from living the life you truly want for yourself. Once complete, you will have a list of thoughts to challenge, rewrite, and reframe your negative thoughts. A Powerful Process Challenge your negative thoughts. With compassion for who you are today, take a long, honest look at the thoughts and beliefs you have identified as problematic and limiting. Acknowledge where they came from. Realize that they are no longer accurate, no longer serve you, and hold you back from living the life you want. Rewrite these thoughts. Replace inaccurate, self-limiting thoughts with more accurate, adaptive, and supportive ones about your abilities, attributes, and skill sets; you are worthy of love just the way you are, and you deserve to live an authentic, meaningful life. Reframe . Using these new, more adaptive, and accurate thoughts, reimagine the life you want for yourself—and reinforce those thoughts by acknowledging their impact and bringing in support to help you overcome the challenges you encounter as you strive to create the life you want. Your past is in the past; the future is your imagination. So why not reframe your thoughts about your future to imagine good things coming your way? Pay Attention It is important to maintain awareness around your thoughts and to pay attention to the many ways in which your thoughts—both positive and negative—impact your life. Celebrate the positive impact of the new, more supportive, and more accurate thoughts you have worked hard to bring into play. Strive to stay connected to your feelings. Don’t dismiss or ignore negative feelings and thoughts when they arise. Instead, challenge, rewrite, and reframe the thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve you. Remember, you can take control of your thoughts and become a more positive thinker, one thought at a time. Monica Vermani, C. Psych., - Website -

Identifying passive-aggressive behavior is challenging, but it's worth trying. The ambiguity of passive-aggressiveness adds to the challenge of interpreting other people's behavior. Passive-aggressive behavior is often motivated by rebellion, anger , and resentment. It's worth trying to decode passive aggressiveness so we can act to improve our relationships. Decoding people’s intentions so we can interpret their behavior and respond appropriately is challenging, especially when it comes to passive-aggressiveness. Attributional Ambiguity In social psychology, it’s said that “attributions matter.” By this, we mean that when someone does something, how we respond (and what we think about the “actor”) often depends on our explanation (attribution) as to why they did it. The problem, social psychologists note, is that the attribution process is often flawed. How we explain another’s behavior , especially if it’s undesirable, may be biased by a lack of information. Our lenses are also sometimes distorted by our own sensitivities and our history with the actor. This can lead to confirmation bias in which we interpret their behavior in ways that confirm our already-negative view of them. Deciding whether another person is acting passive-aggressively is loaded with attributional ambiguity, adding to the already-challenging task of interpreting others’ behavior. Passive aggression, like direct aggression, involves the intention to harm, but unlike direct aggression, it’s more indirect, leading to attributional ambiguity about whether it was aggressive or not. Did they really “forget”? Did they do a bad job on purpose? Was that an innocent comment or intended to hurt our feelings? Was that behavior simply thoughtless or intended to get back at us for a perceived wrong? Is their procrastination a deliberate rebellious reaction to our request? Are they clueless or deliberately ignoring our needs to punish us? Was that sarcastic joke at my expense funny or mean? Are they busy or giving me the "cold shoulder" to make a point? No two ways about it: Being on the receiving end of what might be a passive-aggressive word or deed is often confusing and maddening. Passive-Aggressiveness as Gaslighting would also argue that in its most egregious form, passive-aggressiveness is a way of wielding power through intentional misdirection. In other words, it’s a tool of the gas lighter who intentionally does things to make a partner doubt reality and even their sanity. The ambiguity of passive-aggressiveness provides the cover of plausible deniability. The gas lighter can easily deny that what they said or did was intended to harm and claim the target of their gaslighting is “crazy.” The Role of Culture Cultural factors may also come into play. Aggressiveness may be enacted passively when social norms prohibit more overt aggression. From this perspective, passive-aggressiveness can be normative when direct aggression is frowned upon. Hence, angry and resentful people may act passively-aggressively. Passive-aggressive behavior may even be more common in some subcultures in which “nice” is valued. For example, in some southeastern parts of the U.S., “bless your heart” often follows critical remarks made in a pleasant tone. It also bears saying that power imbalances may lead to passive aggression. Higher-status people can get away with more overt aggression than lower-status ones, and powerful people who wield their power arbitrarily and insensitively should expect passive-aggressiveness in return. Conclusion So where does this leave us? First, I think it’s clear that we will regularly encounter interpersonal situations where it's unclear whether someone else is being passive-aggressive. It may be worth gently asking the "actor" for help in interpreting their ambiguous behavior while expressing a desire to right and wrong. However, because some passive-aggressive people are uncomfortable with conflict (hence their passive-aggressive expression of their displeasure) or may not feel safe talking about it, they may say nothing is wrong. There is also some question as to whether passive-aggression can be an unconscious expression of anger and whether people may be unaware of their passive-aggressiveness. Second, because passive-aggressiveness is sometimes a response to feeling unfairly or arbitrarily controlled, it’s worth asking ourselves whether we are in fact overly controlling such that we’ve created the need to rebel or created resentfulness and ange r in our partner. Likewise, do we have a history of defensive responses such that they don't feel safe telling us what's really up? That said, it’s not always us, as some people are very quick to rebel against requests from others—even reasonable requests. Third, consider the relationship context, and whether passive aggression is a “relationship red flag.” If there are other hallmarks of gaslighting, it’s time to figure out how to get out before we’re destroyed. Likewise, if you don’t feel safe honestly expressing your concerns such that you act passively-aggressively as the only way to feel you have some power and control in the relationship, maybe it’s time to leave, or time for counseling (or both). Finally, we should “check” our own passive-aggressive behavior. It’s not good for our relationships. Stop with the supposed jokes or snarky remarks that are really targeted barbs. Be honest about what you’re really angry about instead of acting out passive-aggressively. Don't reflexively rebel with procrastination or low-quality work in response to reasonable requests. Own up and apologize when you’ve been passive-aggressive and try to do better. Shawn M. Burn Ph.D. - Book - References Benjamin, L.S. (1993). Interpersonal Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders. Guilford: NY, NY. Lim, O.Y., & Sun, K.H. (2022). Development and validation of a measure of passive aggression traits: The Passive Aggression Scale (PAS). Behavioral Science (Basel), 12, doi: 10.3390/bs12080273. Pretzger, J.L., & Beck, A.T. (1996). A cognitive theory of personality disorders. In Major Theories of Personality Disorders. Guilford: NY, NY.

Narcissistic issues can interfere with one's ability to be a good mother. Narcissistic women can have a maternal instinct that leads them to want to mother a child. They may not see their children realistically because they lack whole object relations and object constancy. Lack of emotional empathy can interfere with the ability to attune to a child. It is quite possible for mothers who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder to have a maternal instinct, if we define maternal instinct rather loosely as a desire to mother a child. However, as with other temperamental characteristics, this desire to mother seems to be on a spectrum and is not present in every narcissistic woman. The belief that every woman has a natural maternal instinct is not supported by current research (Conaboy, 2022). We do know that when we look at little girls, some of them want baby dolls as toys and others prefer stuffed animals. And, for many girls who did enjoy baby dolls, this interest in playing a mothering role continues into adulthood and leads them to have their own babies. Other women may not be particularly interested in having a baby but may do so to fulfill cultural or religious expectations. Narcissistic Personality Disorder James F. Masterson (1926-2010), the well-known personality disorder theorist, taught that narcissistic personality disorder is an acquired adaptation, not inborn. However, some people may have traits that make it easier for them to become narcissists, such as low innate emotional empathy. Masterson and other developmental theorists do not believe that people are born with NPD. They believe that the child develops NPD as the result of a misfit between the child’s authentic emotional needs and what their parents can provide (Masterson, 1981; Chess and Thomas, 1984). Masterson identified three factors that can interact to play a role in the development of a narcissistic personality disorder: Nature: the child’s inborn temperament. Nurture: the way the child is parented. Fate: unplanned events that negatively affect the child. Note: In this post, I will be using the terms narcissist and NPD as shorthand for someone who meets the full criteria for a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis. NPD Can Interfere with the Ability to Be a Good Mother Unfortunately, even if a woman is highly motivated to have children, if she has a narcissistic personality disorder it may be difficult for her to be a good mother. There are three deficits associated with NPD that can interfere with the ability to mother children appropriately. Lack of Emotional Empathy Emotional empathy is the ability to feel something of what the other person feels. For example, if you see someone hit their thumb with a hammer and you wince in sympathy, that is an example of emotional empathy. Without emotional empathy, the narcissistic mother has to rely on her cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy involves stopping to think about what the other person might be feeling and trying to react appropriately. For example, your friend’s father died, and you never liked the man. However, you are at the funeral, and you try to think of something comforting to say to your friend, such as: “I am so sorry. I know how much you loved him.” The narcissistic mother who wanted a child will do her best to parent the infant, but because of her lack of emotional empathy, she may have trouble attuning to her baby’s needs. Her parenting efforts may relate more to her needs than to the child’s needs. She may be intrusive or neglectful depending on her mood at the moment. Lack of Whole Object Relations Whole object relations (WOR) is the psychology term for the ability to form a stable, realistic, and integrated view of yourself or another person that simultaneously contains both liked and disliked qualities. Without WOR, a person can only see people in a split way as either all-good or all-bad. In the case of a narcissist, all-good equals special, and all-bad equals worthless. From an object relations theoretical point of view, what distinguishes someone with a narcissistic personality disorder from someone who has narcissistic traits is the lack of whole object relations (Greenberg, 2016). Without WOR, the narcissistic mother cannot form a stable and realistic view of her child. As a result, when she is happy with her child, she will view the child as special and perfect and treat her or him accordingly. When she feels frustrated or disappointed with her child, she will switch to seeing the child as flawed and bad, and act mean and devaluing. Lack of Object Constancy Object constancy (OC) is the ability to remember the positive aspects of people you care about (and your past positive history with them and your desire for a positive future) while you are having negative feelings toward them in the moment. This means that when a narcissistic mother is feeling frustrated, angry, or disappointed by her child’s responses to her attempts to mother, she may feel rejected by the child. In this situation, the mother switches from loving to hating her child. In this state, she may become emotionally or physically abusive to the child. Example—Betty and Her Baby Betty had loved playing with dolls as a child and spent many happy hours pretending to be a mother. She had always envisioned herself having children of her own. She married young and started a family immediately. She was thrilled to be pregnant and imagined how enjoyable it would be to have a newborn to take care of. Unfortunately, Betty’s idealized picture of a newborn baby was more like an image of a doll than a real person. She was unprepared for the baby to cry. Dolls do not cry. Betty became frustrated when her attempts to soothe her baby did not always work. This conflicted with her narcissistic self-image of being a perfect mother. She felt narcissistically wounded when her baby did not respond to her mothering attempts. As a result of the above situation, Betty’s child had unpredictable mothering. When Betty was relaxed and happy, she treated her child well and was full of praise. When Betty was displeased or felt her overtures were rejected, she hated her child and venomously withdrew or attacked. Summary Narcissistic women can have a maternal instinct, if we define that as a genuine desire to have and mother a child. However, their ability to mother their children appropriately is severely limited by their narcissistic issues, especially their lack of emotional empathy and their inability to maintain a stable and realistic view of their child. Even the most enthusiastic narcissistic mother will have trouble attuning to her child’s needs and meeting those needs in a loving way. And, if the woman only had children out of a sense of duty, then the situation is likely to be worse. They may have neither the desire nor the ability to fulfill normal mothering functions. Adapted from a Quora post This article was first published in the “Understanding Narcissism” blog on PsychologyToday.com on February 22, 2024. Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., - Website - References C. Conaboy (2022). Mother Brain: How Neuroscience Is Rewriting the Story of Parenthood. NY: Henry Holt and Co. Chess, S., & Thomas, A. (1984). Origins and Evolution of Behavior Disorder. NY: Brunner/Mazel. J. F. Masterson (1981). The Narcissistic and Borderline Disorders: An Integrated Developmental Approach. NY: Brunner/Mazel. E. Greenberg (2016). Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety. NY: Greenbrooke Press.

From "I'm an idiot" to "What can I do differently?" Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all limited human beings. We can't eliminate shame; it is part of our emotional makeup. But we can transform it. Shame is actually designed to help us deal with our flaws and limitations and create a more loving society. Perfectionism is one way that we defend ourselves against feeling toxic shame. When people feel unworthy deep down, they may find that the only path forward to maintain a sense of self-worth is to strive for an elusive perfection. While toxic shame says, "I'm not good enough; I'm a failure," perfectionism says "I need to be perfect, and I can be. Failure is not an option. Only then can I be OK." I once gave a speech to a group on July 4. I knew that Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on July 4. What a great topic for a speech—though it had little to do with the subject I was supposed to be talking about. Impulsively , I mapped out the speech and gave it. It was a disaster. Too intellectual and utterly unsuited to the group. I was dismayed when people actually walked out! As a man with a strong perfectionist streak, I didn't take it very well. My first reaction was toxic shame. I felt terrible. Sick to my stomach. I actually retreated to my bed for several days. I had utterly blown it, failed. I was convinced that I would never be asked to speak again. After several miserable, shame-filled days, I began to reassess. I had always prepared carefully for presentations. I had rehearsed and tried out material on my wife and friends. In this case, I had not prepared well, nor checked with anybody. I had misread the interest of the audience. Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame My original reaction had been "I suck at this! I'll never humiliate myself again by speaking in public.” Over time, I gradually become more accepting and kinder to myself. I made a welcomed transition from toxic shame to healthy shame. My healthy shame thought was “Yes, I did blow it. I didn't prepare properly or run it by anybody. And I really didn't understand my audience and what they were looking for. I will do my best not to make that mistake again. I will prepare carefully, and I will be a lot clearer about who I am speaking to. I will also make careful choices about who I speak to.” Instead of ending my career as a teacher, speaker, and presenter, I took steps to become better at it. Being perfect is a tall order, considering that nobody can attain that impossible goal. And while a little perfectionism might help you do a better job, too much creates problems. When things don't go well, the shame comes back twice as strong. As I still remember Mr. Spock saying in a Star Trek episode, “The perfect is the enemy of the good" or, I would add, the good enough. In the incident I described, I reassessed and transformed my frozen, toxic shame, into healthy shame, which helped me move forward. This is not always the case for me—or most people. There are areas in which we all get stuck in toxic shame and have real trouble moving out of it. This is especially true if we were overwhelmed by shame growing up and weren’t invited to recognize our feelings of shame, pain, and isolation. While toxic shame feels horrible and produces a deeply unpleasant state of freeze, healthy shame can actually help you function better. A humorous example of healthy shame is realizing “I can't fly. I wish I could. It would be really nice. I really envy those birds, just soaring through the air. But I can't. I'm human. I have limitations, just as all people have limitations.” This understanding is particularly healthy because it can keep us from jumping off cliffs or tall buildings and personally discovering gravity. While this is an extreme example, healthy shame helps us become aware of our limitations, reassess our actions, and act more appropriately in the future. Healthy shame creates a pause in activity and a temporary retreat from the situation, which allows for a clearer perspective, reassessment, and behaving differently. A Simple Practice Here is a simple practice when something goes wrong and you start to blame and criticize yourself: Slow down and ask yourself, "Rather than beating myself up, what steps can I take to make things better? The concept of healthy shame can be helpful for anyone who keeps trying to get rid of shame entirely. Shame is part of the human condition; it needs to be embraced and worked with wisely, as discussed in our book, Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Transform It Into a Powerful Ally. Thinking of transforming shame, rather than eliminating it, helps soften the shame by pointing toward an attainable middle ground. Everyone has shame. It is how we hold the shame that makes the crucial difference between staying stuck or growing. Does our shame stop us from functioning—or give us a pause in action and an opportunity to reassess? Are we ashamed of our shame, or can we gently hold it as part of what actually makes us human? Bret Lyon, Ph.D., SEP, - Website - Book - References Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin. Embracing Shame: How To Stop Resisting Shame and Transform It into a Powerful Ally. Sounds True Adult. 2023.

Unlike a rivalry, abuse is one-sided, and it's too often tolerated. Even professionals often mislabel sibling intimidation or violence as "just rivalry.” Without criteria defining sibling aggression , it's difficult to determine acceptable and tolerable behavior. Abuse tends to be one-sided, with one sibling having an advantage of age, gender, size, or cognitive ability. Parents can create a family culture that does not tolerate aggressive, mean behavior. Sibling maltreatment is the most common form of domestic abuse in Western society—more common than either domestic partner or child abuse, according to Professor Mark Kiselica of Cabrini University in Radnor, Pennsylvania. Kiselica reports that sibling victimization, which he calls “the forgotten abuse,” is three times more common than school bullying, and it often leads to estrangement in adulthood. Among children , it can be difficult to distinguish acceptable play—think roughhousing, wrestling, even a freewheeling game of tag—from actual conflict with intentional aggression, says Professor Corinna Jenkins Tucker of the University of New Hampshire, Durham. Belligerent, potentially injurious behaviors—such as intimidation, making threats, pushing, hitting, scratching, or biting—are common among siblings and often considered normal. Even professionals who work with children often mislabel aggressive sibling behaviors as "just rivalry.” Yet it’s revealing to consider that these actions, when occurring between friends, classmates, or romantic partners, are typically—and often immediately—condemned. “There are no universally accepted criteria regarding sibling aggression,” Tucker explains, “making it difficult to know when to be concerned, intervene in sibling interactions, or seek help. However, it is critical to recognize aggressive and abusive behaviors between siblings because their negative effects on well-being are similar to the impacts of parental child maltreatment and intimate partner violence.” When Is Sibling Rivalry Abusive? Often mischaracterized as "sibling rivalry," sibling bullying and abuse are forms of repeated, intentional, targeted aggression meant to control, overpower, or harm a brother or sister. No matter what their age, the more a person feels powerless, the more inclined he/she will be to take it out on someone even more powerless. Anger and hurt typically produce rivalrous, bullying behavior, which includes shaming, harassing, belittling, gaslighting, name-calling, threatening, insistently teasing, or excluding a victim. Where is the line between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse? Tucker offers these guidelines: Is physical violence (e.g., hitting, kicking, shoving) occurring in children beyond the toddler years? Are sibling conflicts consistently settled by one sibling "winning" the fight? Is the behavior physically or emotionally harmful? Does it carry a genuine risk of harm? Is the behavior planned or patterned, suggesting an intent to harm? Does a sibling feel victimized, targeted, frequently intimidated, and/or afraid? Has the behavior escalated over time, becoming more aggressive and/or injurious? Is there a consistent power differential between the siblings? Sibling abuse tends to be one-sided. Often one sibling dominates, having an advantage of age, gender, physical size, cognitive ability, or other factors. The behavior typically occurs repeatedly over a period of time. The abuser may align with another sibling, friend, or even a parent in the punishing behavior, and the victim eventually may suffer serious injury. If the abuse is psychological, the victim may be demeaned, humiliated, alienated, and/or blackmailed. This, too, can inflict invisible but lasting injuries. “When aggression is normalized in a family—and in society—sometimes the victimized sibling also struggles to identify the harm,” Tucker explains. “Additionally, many siblings are characterized as being both the bully and the harmed child. An unclear power differential can lead to greater acceptance of aggressive sibling behavior [by more than one child]. In these cases, the aggression could be tolerated because it is between ‘equals’ or because the behaviors ‘seem fair.’" Risk Factors for Abuse The risk factors for sibling abuse include: Siblings who are close in age (or development) Early difficulty in establishing solid parent/child attachment Distant parents, who by literal absence or emotional remove are unavailable or uninvolved in their children’s lives A “faraway father” with a low level of involvement or acceptance High level of conflict between parents or step-parents Parents reinforcing competition by playing favorites or comparing children Parents modeling abuse and bullying tactics Children who don’t learn how to handle conflicts What Parents Can Do Conflict between children is inevitable and can even be instructive. It can provide teachable moments in which children learn to listen, consider another person’s perspective, and negotiate differences. These crucial social skills, master's in childhood, become the blueprint to help resolve conflicts in adulthood with siblings, peers, and romantic partners. But parents want to be mindful of constructive versus destructive forms of conflict. It’s their job to help children learn emotional regulation. Toward that goal, parents should consider the following: Parents absolutely can and should stop bullying. Start by establishing a family culture that does not tolerate aggressive, mean behavior. Intervene immediately when one child hits, pushes, or calls another a name. Model healthy ways to relate, teaching children how to treat each other with respect. Monitor and correct aggression as it arises. Be firm and consistent, so children learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. Minimize jealousy. Make sure each child receives recognition and love. Praise children even-handedly for their good characteristics and efforts, so they feel equally valued. Avoid comparing your children, to one another or to others, and steer clear of labeling them by identifying “the athletic one” or “the smart one.” Such labels breed jealousy, competition, and contempt. Hold the bully accountable. Help the bully to see and understand the pain he/she has inflicted. Insist that the bully take responsibility for his/her actions. Enforce consequences—such as mandatory apology, grounding, or loss of privileges—so children understand that bullying will not be tolerated. Cultivate empathy in children. Identify kind, loving behaviors. Encourage children to try to understand others’ feelings. Emphasize collaboration over competition by creating opportunities to work together, supervising for cooperation and harmony. Parents often dismiss toxic childhood dynamics as “normal sibling rivalry” or “just a phase.” But these patterns, which tend to peak in adolescence (10-15 years of age), may continue or even worsen in adulthood. The bully continues to boost his/her fragile sense of self-worth by blaming the victim sibling for all sorts of problems, resisting any attempt at real understanding or resolution. Eventually, most victims simply give up, resorting to a policy of estrangement or going no-contact to protect themselves. Fern Schumer Chapman - Website - Book - References Tucker, Corinna Jenkins, Whitworth, Tanya Rouleau and Finkelhor, David, Fall 2023 "What is the Line: When Does Sibling Conflict, Teasing, and Roughhousing Become Something More Serious?" (SAARA Bulletin #4) University of New Hampshire, Crimes against Children Research Center Kiselica, Mark S., (2007) Sibling Maltreatment: The Forgotten Abuse, Journal of Counseling and Development: JCD 85 (2)

The roles of disposition, engagement, and self-efficacy. More than half of younger workers report feeling burned out. Besides organizational problems, burnout can also involve dispositions and the expectations we bring to work. Beginning with school, the terms of success can virtually foreclose a self-efficacious relationship to work. A former student was in town recently, and we arranged to have coffee and catch up. She is in graduate school, but during our conversation, she mentioned the experience of her friends who took professional jobs right after college. All, she said, are “miserable” and feeling “burned out.” None of them are working in caregiving or service occupations, the fields where burnout has been most reported, especially during the pandemic. And none is older than 26. Could such young people, I thought, already be so depleted and struggling on the job that they feel burned out? Apparently, yes. According to the professional services firm Deloitte, in its 2023 Gen Z and Millennial Survey, 52 percent of Gen Zers (up to age 27) report “feeling burned out.” That number is even higher than for the slightly older millennials (up to age 40), of whom 49 percent feel burned out. Numbers for both groups rose about 5 percent from the 2022 survey, which came at the tail end of the pandemic. That’s a lot of burnout. But what are we talking about? While the concept has changed over time and remains slippery, psychologists commonly define burnout as a job-induced psychological syndrome. Its core, constitutive feature is emotional exhaustion. It arises, they argue, from persistent exposure to unresolvable stress in the workplace, organizational failures such as excessive job demands, or a lack of appropriate resources or recognition. People experience burnout, in this view, because, as one sufferer reported, “work is grinding them down.”1 Of course, adverse features of the work environment can be alienating and emotionally draining. My physician, to give one example, quit (“retired”) last year because the corporate control over his medical practice had made it impossible for him to make decisions and properly care for his patients. For years, he told me, he had been trying to manage by working six days a week, even as the loss of discretionary authority and onerous record-keeping increased. Like a lot of clinicians, his well ran dry.2 Organizational challenges, however, though important, are not the whole story. We must also ask larger questions about the nature of achievement in our society. Occupational burnout is more than simply being overtaxed. It involves dispositions and expectations that people bring to their activities. If we ignore those factors, we miss an important reason so many people feel their work is pointless and they themselves are powerless. The Antithesis of Burnout To begin to understand the importance of dispositions and expectations, we first have to consider the condition or state most antithetical to burnout. According to Christina Maslach, the leading burnout researcher, that condition is “engagement.”3 Business consulting firms such as Deloitte, Gartner, and Gallup appear to agree. When they study workplace trends, they use “engaged” as the ideal and contrast it with forms of active withdrawal or psychological detachment . To be engaged is to apply oneself, to be enthusiastic, to be committed to work and the workplace. The concept of engagement is helpful in thinking about a person’s relationship with an organization, but it is a bit too broad and formulaic to help us understand a person's relationship to work itself. Let me suggest the more interactive concept, encounter, which conveys both the ability to touch and be touched, to speak and be spoken to in one’s relationships, experiences, and activities. When we have a responsive relationship with work, we take an interest in and pursue the satisfactions and rewards, predictable and unpredictable, that are intrinsic to it—in serving this guest, making this presentation, writing this copy. Our goal is to do the job well, gain skills, accept challenges, learn from our failures, and create new possibilities. In other words, we do the things or provide the service that give the work its value and excellence. When our work speaks to us, we gain self-efficacy. We are at risk of burnout when we do not encounter our work, when we cannot find rewarding features in the activities themselves. To repeat, the conditions of our work might be a big part of the problem. But it is also possible that we approach work in a way that virtually forecloses a responsive relationship to it. Why So Tired? In reading studies about millennial and Gen Z workers, one of the more striking findings is how much they desire an encounter with work. They want to do something important and worthwhile, make a difference in their job, and experience themselves as effective in doing so. Work is all the more important given their relatively weak connection to other institutions and traditions. Encounters in other areas of life can make “working for a paycheck” more palatable. Despite the desire, however, young workers’ “engagement” is fairly low, while “quiet quitting” and feelings of burnout are widespread. So is turnover. At any time, half of these workers are actively looking for another job. What’s the problem? At least one source of trouble begins in the school years. During this time, students often learn to pursue achievement in terms of anticipated rewards that lie outside of the activities they engage in. Many students, for example, report that in high school, if not before, the intrinsic goal of learning was heavily subordinated to extrinsic performative concerns, such as doing well on tests, seeking social approval, and competing with peers. A similar utility principle operated in the way they approached extracurricular activities. Leadership roles, playing a musical instrument, sports, volunteering, and other practices were pursued less for their own value than as means to building a winning college resume. These extrinsic concerns—grades, college acceptance, and so on—are not bad things, of course. But when they become the overriding concern, then the essential point is lost. We can see this consequence in both the rampant cheating in school and the testimony of students who can find little real satisfaction or meaning in their day-to-day activities. For many, their life often feels like a continuous hamster wheel. Fatigue is common and most students complain of being overwhelmed and stressed. In a recent survey, for instance, nearly 80 percent of undergraduates say they are experiencing moderate or high stress in their life. They stay constantly occupied, checking off the boxes on their to-do lists, but feel little control over their actions. As they see it, they do what they have to do. Alternatively, they get an early start on quiet quitting. The message about success in school is to focus on results, the payoff will come later. But if that message inhibits a responsive relationship to learning, then how will students be prepared to have an encounter with work? The old hamster wheel might simply be replaced with a new one. Joseph E. Davis - Website - References 1. Jonathan Malesic, The End of Burnout. Oakland, CA: University of California Press, 2022. 2. Victor J. Dzau, Darrell G. Kirch, and Thomas J. Nasca. “To Care Is Human—Collectively Confronting the Clinician-Burnout Crisis.” New England Journal of Medicine 378/4 (January 25, 2018): 312-314. 3. Christina Maslach, Wilmar B. Schaufeli, and Michael P. Leiter. “Job Burnout.” Annual Review of Psychology 52 (2001): 397–422.

Who’s at risk and why. In the United States, 40 to 50 percent of adults report lifetime sexual and physical IPV victimization. Suicide risk is high for IPV victims, relative to the U.S. adult population. Mental health, substance abuse , and/or barriers to help-seeking may explain suicide risk among IPV victims. Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a significant issue in the United States: Fifty percent of women and more than 40 percent of men have experienced contact sexual or physical violence or psychological victimization by an intimate partner in their lifetime (Leemis et al., 2022). Members of the LGBTQIA+ community are at particular risk for IPV, compared to their heterosexual counterparts (Harland et al., 2021). Transgender individuals are found to have an almost two times greater risk of IPV victimization than cisgender individuals (Peitzmeier et al., 2020). IPV begins in late adolescence and reaches its peak in emerging adulthood (i.e., ages 18-29 years; Arnett, 2018; Leemis, 2022). In 2021, there were 48,183 deaths by suicide in the United States. In provisional 2022 data, an approximately 3 percent increase in suicide deaths is reported (CDC, 2023). IPV victimization is associated with an increased risk of fatality, including suicide death. Women and LGBTQIA+ IPV victims are at greater risk of suicide death and behavior than male and heterosexual or cisgender IPV victims (Cavanaugh et al., 2011; Kafka et al., 2022; McManus et al., 2022). Younger age is also associated with death by suicide among IPV victims, which is of concern considering that IPV peaks in emerging adulthood (Leemis, 2022). What accounts for the relationship between suicidal behavior and IPV? Mental Health Correlates of IPV and Suicide IPV victimization is associated with an increased risk of depressive , anxiety , and posttraumatic stress symptoms in both men and women (Spencer et al., 2019). Women are more symptomatic than men (Spencer et al., 2019; Caldwell et al., 2012). Depressive and posttraumatic stress symptom severity may depend on the type of IPV victimization; for example, physical and sexual IPV victimization are associated with more severe depressive symptoms than psychological IPV victimization (Chesin et al., in submission). IPV survivors also have high rates of substance misuse, with 50 percent of women and 10 percent of men who enter substance use disorder (SUD) treatment reporting a history of IPV victimization (Cafferky et al., 2018; Schneider et al., 2009). SUD itself is associated with a significant risk for suicide death, particularly for women (Lynch et al., 2022). Given increased suicide risk with SUD, depressive, and/or posttraumatic stress symptoms (Dore et al., 2012; Østergaard et al., 2017), those IPV victims with comorbid mental health and SUD symptoms may be at particular suicide risk. In general, it may be that the relationships between IPV and suicide behavior are at least in part explained by SUD and/or mental health difficulties. Barriers to Help-Seeking Among IPV Victims Many IPV victims face difficulties with help-seeking; there are many theories as to why this is. Likely, it is a result of a constellation of factors that include the following: Psychological factors, such as learned helplessness, fear and shame, attachment to the perpetrator, and substance use and/or mental health difficulties subsequent to IPV victimization. Limited awareness and access to services, particularly among those who are financially dependent on the perpetrator or have limited material resources. Concerns about systemic issues, including historical failings of the justice system (e.g., not believing IPV victims, inadequate responses to reports). Cultural proscriptions against help-seeking and lack of culturally sensitive resources (e.g., native language services). Additional psychosocial factors may impede treatment engagement by male IPV victims and include internalized concepts of masculinity and internalized stigma associated with IPV victimization and help-seeking for it, as well as services that are predominantly designed for females (Cho et al., 2020; Hien & Ruglass, 2009; Robinson et al., 2020). Moving Forward More research on who among IPV victims is at particular suicide risk as well as research that explores risk factors in specific groups (e.g., psychological vs sexual or physical IPV victims) is needed. Further, studies exploring correlates for minority groups with known increased suicide risk, such as LGBTQIA+ IPV victims (Narang et al., 2018), are needed to better mitigate risk among vulnerable group members. Targeted suicide screening measures are needed, particularly when working with high suicide-risk IPV victims (e.g., emerging adults, women, LGBTQIA+ persons). Culturally relevant intervention programs are needed for IPV victims at suicide risk who are identified. Increased continuing education for mental health providers as it pertains to IPV and suicide can only aid in these efforts. If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory. Kait Gilleran, M.A., is currently a graduate student in the Psy.D. Program at William Paterson University. Their interests and experience include risk assessment and providing psychosocial interventions to adults with serious and persistent mental illness. Megan Chesin, Ph.D., - Website - References For further reading: Chesin, M. S., Cascardi, M., & Gilleran, K. (under review). Associations between PTSD and depressive symptoms and victimization type among U.S. female college students: A latent class analysis. Additional Resources National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: 1-800-656-4673

Understand how perpetrators manipulate families to gain access to children. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse may not only sexually groom the child but also their family. Familial grooming involves the selection of a child due to family vulnerability and the development of trust. Family grooming may be more common when the victim is a child as opposed to a teenager. About two-thirds of all cases of child sexual abuse may involve familial sexual grooming. Child sexual abuse (CSA) is a serious global problem. However, most CSA go undisclosed and undetected. One reason for this is that the perpetrator may use sexual grooming behaviors. Sexual grooming is the deceptive process in which the perpetrator uses manipulative tactics and behaviors to sexually abuse a child while reducing the likelihood that the abuse will disclosed or detected by others. While most of the research on sexual grooming focuses on the behaviors and tactics directed at the minor, it is believed that perpetrators of CSA also engage in the sexual grooming of the minor's parent, guardians, and family —a phenomenon known as familial grooming. What Is Familial Sexual Grooming? Parents, guardians, and families play an important role in protecting their children from CSA by providing guardianship and supervision. To get around this guardianship and gain access to the child, perpetrators may engage in what has been termed "familial grooming. Familial grooming generally refers to the process by which a would-be perpetrator develops a close relationship with a potential victim's family so that they trust the perpetrator and allow them access to their child. For example, a coach could befriend a child's parents so they like and trust him. Consequently, they allow him to drive the child back and forth to practice when he offers to help, and they may allow the child to travel unaccompanied with the coach for away games when they cannot attend. Perpetrators groom parents and guardians for two main reasons: To more frequently and easily access the child To minimize the likelihood of disclosure or discovery from others Does the Child's Age Impact Familial Grooming? The extent of familial grooming may differ based on the age of the child. For example, teenagers have more autonomy and independence outside of their family, and thus, the perpetrator may use text messaging or social media to contact them without their parents' knowledge. Our research shows that familial grooming may not be necessary to have contact with older victims. What Familial Sexual Grooming Looks Like There are two main areas in which a perpetrator may engage in familial grooming: 1. The perpetrator may seek to select a victim based on family vulnerabilities. For instance, children may be targeted if they: are not close to their parents experienced neglect or abuse within the home lack supervision are psychologically vulnerable Family vulnerabilities may include: the presence of marital problems between parents a parent with a medical illness poor interpersonal relationships within the family a single-parent household 2. Once a victim is selected, the perpetrator may seek to gain access to the child through developing a trusting relationship with the family. This may include forming a friendship or romantic relationship with the caregiver(s). Once the relationship has formed, the adult may use that trust to have access to the minor so that they can then emotionally and physically isolate the child from the family. By using these tactics, the perpetrator can create situations in which they are alone with the child, such as taking them on overnight stays or outings without the suspicion of the parents and, in many instances, with parental consent. In cases where the perpetrator develops a romantic relationship with the parent or guardian, the perpetrator can now have unfettered access to the child within the home. Suppose a parent, guardian, and family is groomed. In that case, this can let the perpetrator go forward with the next steps in the grooming process, which involve developing trust with the child and those around them and desensitizing the child to physical touch and sexual content. How Common Is Familial Sexual Grooming? While no studies have explicitly studied familial grooming, research on tactics used by perpetrators of CSA suggests that in about two-thirds of the cases, perpetrators develop or exploit relationships with the family to get access to the minors. For example, one study of perpetrators of CSA found that two-thirds of perpetrators knew the victims through family, friends, or a caretaking role (e.g., babysitting). Another study of survivors found that in more than two-thirds of the cases, the most frequent sexual grooming tactic used was the manipulation of the family in the sexual grooming process. How Can Parents and Guardians Prevent Being Groomed? This is a tricky question because most people who befriend parents or guardians seek to do so because they genuinely care for them and their children. However, parents should be made aware that there are, unfortunately, some people with nefarious intent. Thus, it is important to understand how stereotypes and biases can impact judgment. One of the goals of developing this trusting relationship with parents or guardians is to prevent detection. Perpetrators rely on what is called cognitive dis­sonance—when someone's behavior does not match the image of them that you have in your head —you discount or excuse away the behavior. For example, suppose you see a long-time family friend hugging your child a little too long. In that case, you may tell yourself that the individual just cares about your child and is showing affection and not identifying the prolonged hug as a potential red flag for sexual grooming behavior. Thus, understanding how these types of biases develop can help parents and guardians look at the behavior of those around their child more objectively and follow up on any behavior that may be indicative of sexual grooming. Also, know that there is no profile of who may be a sex offender. Thus, just because someone seems like a nice guy, is a pillar of the community, is a woman, or a minor does not mean that they cannot be engaging in CSA. Make sure to look at their behavior and your child's reactions to them independently of their characteristics and relationship with your family. Elizabeth Jeglic, Ph.D., - Website -

Lessons from a chronic insomniac who finally learned how to sleep. Insomnia is aggravated, paradoxically, by trying too hard to fall asleep. Thus, experts recommend healthy sleep hygiene habits that replace obsessive thoughts about insomnia. When sleep hygiene isn't enough, a simple trick for distracting your brain from sleep anxieties could work. “Your biggest problem falling asleep,” my doctor observed, “is your anxiety about falling asleep.” I’d been struggling for years with insomnia, and my physician’s insight seemed right on target. Each night, when my head hit the pillow, I’d try to relax but obsessive thoughts would creep in. “What if I can’t sleep again? I’ll be a zombie tomorrow. I’ll get sick. Sleep deprivation could trigger yet another horrible bout of my recurring depression .”(1) How could anyone sleep with those anxieties buzzing around their brain? Recognizing this vicious-circle nature of insomnia, sleep experts advise insomniacs not to perseverate on their fears, but to stop trying to sleep, get out of bed (so the brain does not permanently link the bed with sleep problems), and put anxious thoughts aside by reading a book or engaging their brain in some other absorbing activity incompatible with obsessive thoughts. (2) Sleep experts also recommend keeping a regular schedule, not eating too late, filtering out blue light at night that tricks the brain into thinking it’s still daylight, cutting down on caffeine and alcohol, getting therapy for stress, engaging in regular meditation, and getting regular exercise (2,3,4). I more or less followed all of this advice and, being a neuroscientist familiar with what chemicals do to the brain, also avoided drugs and supplements such as melatonin and herbs. But I still routinely struggled to get to sleep and stay asleep. The really nasty part of having this kind of problem is that, the harder you try to solve it, the more power you give it, and thus the more the problem persists. Paradoxically, I sensed that the solution lay in not trying to solve my insomnia, in order to rob it of its power. So, I gave up the struggle and...drum roll... still suffered chronic sleep problems. The Resilience Center of Houston has licensed therapists to treat insomnia and other sleep-related issues. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Take the first step towards a better tomorrow. When I shared all this with my father shortly before his death, he revealed that he had also suffered chronic insomnia years before I was born, but had stumbled on to a simple trick that almost always worked for him. The life-changing discovery arose from his enduring interest in visual perception. Although he was a rocket scientist, Dad read every research article he could on visual psychophysics and physiology. One night at bedtime, after reading an article on phosphenes—the random blotches and tiny speckles of light you see when you close your eyes or in total darkness—he started paying close attention to his own phosphenes, relishing the idea that he was directly visualizing random, normal “resting” activity of individual neurons in his brain’s visual pathway. But, night after night, his attempts to carefully study his phosphenes were frustrated because he kept falling asleep before noting anything of interest. Then it hit him. After years of failing to overcome insomnia, he had finally found a “cure” in the tiny speckles of light produced by the spontaneous activity of his visual neurons. After discovering it, this simple trick had been getting him to sleep for over 50 years, because, he theorized, it gave his brain something to do other than obsessing about insomnia. “You can never tell your brain not to do something,” he observed, “because it will inevitably do exactly that thing in its attempt to avoid doing it." But focusing on phosphenes, which, unlike thoughts, never come and go but are ever-present, Dad reasoned he could actively do something incompatible with worrying, by informing his brain that he was doing it out of pure scientific curiosity, not fear of insomnia. Naturally, I tried the same trick the very night my dad revealed it and it worked that night, and almost every other night up to the present, but in a very different way than it did for my father. While I was “looking” at my phosphenes, I began to have waking visual hallucinations that perceptual psychologists call “hypnagogic images.” These images, which possess a clarity somewhere between images in a dream and real images seen with my open eyes, are quite normal and healthy, and experienced by most people just before they fall asleep (5). My hypnagogic images come in short flashes, but some people experience them as fragments of a visual narrative, or even “hear sounds” or “feel touch” accompanying the images. Hypnogogic images, for me, are three-dimensional objects like horses, fences, tables, landscapes, and…for some weird reason, fruits and vegetables. Over the years, I’ve refined the technique of summoning sleep-producing hypnagogic images without my brain noticing what I’m doing long enough to start obsessing about what I’m doing. The key to success, I’ve learned, is to say, “Now, see here brain, I’m not trying to fall asleep, but simply watching the light-speckled curtain of darkness in front of me, waiting for visual 'visitors' to poke through the curtain of darkness so I can greet them.” My brain has always been satisfied with that explanation, and, deprived of anything to worry about, quickly turns off, taking me along with it. I hope gazing at phosphenes or waiting for hypnagogic visitors from the darkness works for you too, in case you need fresh ideas for beating insomnia. But if these tricks for tricking your brain fail, keep looking for other techniques that might succeed for precisely the reason that they—like my nightly wait for hypnagogic images—do not try to succeed. Eric Haseltine, PhD - Website - Book References: 1 https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/sleep-disorders/what-are-s….; 2 https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/insomnia/symptoms-causes…; 3 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6977539/; 4 https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene; 5 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10078162/

Fearing death is useless. It doesn't help and makes you feel worse. Fear of death comes from irrational thinking. Emotions don't come from situations. Not everyone fears death. Some people welcome death and act accordingly. Do you fear death? If so, you have thanatophobia. It's one of the most common fears people suffer from. Some fear the pain that may be associated with dying. The spiritual among us may have a fear of the unknown or the afterlife. Yet some have positive views of death, for example, in various places death has been referred to as "the last big adventure," "the happy dispatch," or "as a welcome as an insomniac long for sleep." Since individuals tend to have a self-preservation instinct it's natural to fear death. But is it necessary or sensible? It's unequivocally not necessary. Since your emotions are caused by your thinking about situations, not by the situations themselves, and you can learn to change your thinking, you can overcome your fear by identifying the thinking causing it, determining if your perspective is reasonable, then changing it if it's not. Great concern, extreme regret, and deep disappointment would be more functional. I cannot escape death, but at least I can escape the fear of it. — Epictetus In a roundabout way, death acceptance has a proven positive impact on one’s mental health as a whole. Accepting that the worst thing (death) will happen to you and all of your loved ones helps trivialize everyday anxieties. Compared to death, getting criticized or being treated unfairly fades in comparison. Here's a Three Minute Exercise (TME) to diligently think through and write out many, many times to overcome your fear of death: A. (Activating event) It's inevitable, I will die one day. B. (irrational Belief) I must never die. C. (undesirable emotional Consequences) Fear, anxiety, worry. D. (Disputing or questioning your irrational belief) What is the evidence, logic, data, or pragmatics supporting your notion that I must not die? No matter how much I want something does this mean I absolutely must have it? Can't I accept life, myself, and other people no how much I want it and don't get it? E. There are no empirics, logic, or pragmatics to prove I must not die. Although I passionately prefer not to die, a preference, no matter how heartfelt, passionate, or deeply believed never is a must or a law of the universe. I'm not special so there's no reason I should live forever. I definitely do not like being mortal, but I clearly can stand what I don't like. Rather than spend my life worrying about dying, I would be significantly better off by diligently working to achieve my short- and long-term goals and objectives. It's not the fact that I will die one day that makes be anxious , but rather it's my irrational must thinking about it that's my emotional problem and with much diligent F. I no longer fear death I just don't want to be there when it happens. You may also consider ways to avoid an early death. These include eating a healthy and moderate diet, exercising regularly, maintaining an active social life, get a good amount of sleep, and constructively dealing with and minimizing stress, depression , anger , and addictions. It's not the fact that I will die on Michael R. Edelstein, Ph.D., - Website - References Edelstein, M.R., & Steele,D. R. (2019). Three Minute Therapy, San Francisco, CA: Gallatin House.

How chronic overwhelm affects our partnered connection. Stress is very hard on sexual desire . We tend to get through tough times by putting one foot in front of the other, focusing on what has to happen to get through the day. From a physiological standpoint, stress can block arousal, as the arousal nerves are part of the parasympathetic branch of the central nervous system, which can’t be easily accessed when we’re stressed out. And when stress becomes chronic, it can have a significant impact on your experience of arousal and desire long-term. The weight of history in long-term relationships In long-term relationships, partners will often have taken on a lot of responsibilities together – like parenting, taking care of a home, financial planning, managing medical issues , caring for one another’s parents, and more. These significant stressors can leave you spending much of your time together in crisis-management mode. Parenthood, for instance, is a very common long-term stressor. It carries its fair share of joys and rewards, of course, but it also comes with multiple associated losses and adds a lot of complexity to people’s lives. Anything that requires one or both partners to make an enormous adjustment — and then keeps delivering an ever-evolving menu of stresses over a period of years — exhausts emotional and physical resources and, in turn, puts a lot of stress on relationships. A word about stressful circumstances Stressors come in all shapes and sizes, including daily annoyances, eras of challenge (such as raising a child, divorce , illness, pregnancy loss, job loss, or injury), and ongoing endangerments (like marginalization or threats to self/culture/personhood as a result of sociopolitical developments, natural disasters, and war). Of course, each stressor is unique, and each person experiences stress in their own way. Multiple axes of identity can overlap and create unique experiences of marginalization, each with its own particular stressors. (I’m drawing here on legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw’s work on intersectionality.) Nor do all stressors have clear beginnings and endings. Marginalization and discrimination aren’t likely to resolve any time soon, and intergenerational trauma , by definition, extends far beyond one lifetime. If your clients are experiencing extremely profound stresses or stress over long periods of time, I might start by asking them what place they want eroticism to have in their life, and why. Then I would listen carefully to their answers and support a conversation between partners about it. Not every client wants to experience more desire, and not every era is an era for expanding eroticism. And yet, many people find eroticism to be protective or healing in times of stress. Wherever your clients fall, a conversation that acknowledges the reality and complexity of their experience while including the topics of sex and sexuality will be an important start. Stress and desire discrepancy: where did the disconnect start? When I’m conceptualizing a case involving a desire discrepancy, I’m interested — for multiple reasons — in the role stress has played in the disconnect between partners. There are a whole lot of dimensions to consider: Stress is shaped by our sociopolitical realities. Stress affects the whole relationship ecosystem. Its impacts are an essential piece of the relationship's history. Stress can affect sex in a wide variety of ways, and partners are unique individuals with unique viewpoints. Often, each partner is having a totally different experience and has no understanding of the other’s viewpoint. Whatever difficulties you and your partner have with handling your differences, stress is likely to push those to the fore. Bouncing back from a period of stress doesn’t happen automatically. It takes some intentionality. Under a cascade of stressors, people often abandon important aspects of themselves or let go of things they enjoy, just to get through the current crisis. In time, being disconnected from yourself can mean having less to share with a partner. Stress tends to lead us to stress-relieving patterns of behavior. That can include some very poor decisions — think substance overuse and affairs, just to start. What happened to the juice? In my experience, one of the most common challenges relational therapists' reports is relationships that simply feel flat, where partners have turned into roommates over time. When you dig into that dynamic, it often emerges that significant stressors are a big part of the story. As partners contend with a crisis, they (understandably) become increasingly focused on what might go wrong. They lose their connection to their bodies, especially if they don’t have good strategies to help, like daily practices of accessing relaxation. Focusing on just getting through the day-to-day, they let go of parts of themselves that bring them joy. As a result, they have less to share with each other and less interest in life generally. They’re simply worn out and exhausted. Where is the juice when most of the time you feel like a dried-up husk? How are you supposed to experience desire, yearning, and pleasure when everything already feels like too much? Finding juiciness again Here are some practical ideas for contending with the impact of stress and increasing the experience of juiciness in your life and in your relationship: Cultivate the ability to access the parasympathetic nervous system. It’s possible to get better at accessing your “rest, relax, restore” nervous system, and building that skill can make a huge difference. One strategy can be developing a mindfulness practice that involves awareness of body sensation or trying out guided meditation with inspiring and relaxing imagery. When you’re able to access a parasympathetic state, a lot of things that may feel impossible now will start to seem more doable. It’s much easier to stretch when you’re able to relax. Identify the habits you created to get through ‘crisis mode,’ and figure out which are serving you and which are not. Are you really attending to one another when you’re together, or are you still on alert, thinking about what you need to do next or what might go wrong? Or are you in escape mode, scrolling on social media rather than braving a face-to-face conversation? Early attempts at being present with one another are likely to bring up a lot of vulnerability, so expect bumpy progress and be kind to yourself; celebrate all your successes, even if they feel small. Begin to imagine a more pleasurable life. If you were to write a great big giant list of fun things to do alone, what would be on it? What about a great big giant list of fun things to do with your partner? Try it out and push yourself to write more than 30 ideas for each list. Get silly and playful with it! Reawakening your curiosity and getting in touch with your interests will bring some juiciness back into your life and give you more to share with your partner. Martha Kauppi, LMFT, CST-S, - Website - Book -

Divorce after 50 or “gray divorce" is more common, bringing unique challenges. Untangling and dividing assets can be complicated and emotional later in life. There is a risk of feeling isolated at a stage of life when it is more difficult to rebuild social support. The stress of divorce and its many consequences can affect mental and physical health. Divorce after age 50 is often called “gray divorce.” As it has become more common, it brings unique challenges. Lynda and Jeff (not their real names) came to discuss Jeff’s decision to end the marriage. “I will always love her,” he says, “But I’m just not ‘in love’ with her anymore.” Lynda agrees that their marriage has been “stale” for at least five years, but she doesn’t want the divorce . Lynda believes Jeff is having a late mid-life crisis. She asks, “Why would you want to unravel everything we’ve built together?” After more than 25 years together, Lynda wants Jeff to have a realistic view of what divorce will mean. She says bitterly, “Jeff’s got rose-colored glasses. He’s looking for a new life and new wife.” 1. Finances Lynda and Jeff (a dentist) own a small dental practice, and Lynda handles the front office work. She states that she will no longer work there after the divorce. The practice will need an appraisal, and much of their personal expenses have historically been run through the business. They have some retirement savings and a vacation home that was inherited by Jeff, in addition to the family home. Since the children are adults, they agree that the home will need to be sold, or perhaps Jeff will buy Lynda out of the home. Lynda doesn’t want him to keep the family home, and Jeff doesn’t know if he can afford to keep it. Untangling their assets and dividing them will be complicated and emotional , and Lynda worries that she won’t have enough years ahead to recover financially. At 57, she wonders who will hire her if she has to earn money. Many couples have had retirement plans, and divorce can disrupt these, especially if one spouse is relying on the other's retirement benefits or if they were planning to retire together. Lynda had counted on the retirement funds Jeff had accumulated and said he had always reassured her that there was enough for her if he were to predecease her. For years, Jeff and Lynda had planned to travel around the country to national parks in an RV when they retired. He tells her in our meeting that he plans to retire in two years when he turns 65. Now he isn’t so sure he can promise her the financial security she had envisioned. He wants to make sure that he has enough money to retire and live comfortably. Lynda’s dream of travel seems to evaporate before her eyes. 2. Adult Children Jeff and Lynda’s two children have finished college and started careers. Their daughter is married, and their son is engaged to be married in a few months. Jeff says, “We’re looking forward to grandchildren in the next couple of years.” Lynda says she’s concerned that their children will struggle to cope with their parents' divorce since they had assumed their parents' marriage was stable. “They also know that I don’t want the divorce,” she says. Jeff is shocked that she has already spoken with them. I predict that without an amicable process, the children may worry about how the divorce will affect family gatherings and relationships with both parents. I recommend that they read and share a book to support their kids. 3. Social Disruptions Most couples develop close social networks over many years, and this is true for Jeff and Lynda. Jeff worries about what Lynda is telling their friends about his decision to divorce. He thinks his friendships will be broken as people will blame him for the divorce. Lynda fears that friends will abandon her because “No one wants to socialize with a third wheel!” They both risk feeling isolated and, at their stage of life, it is more difficult to rebuild a social support system. We talk about whether some friends might be able to remain connected to them both, but they agree this is not likely. 4. Health The stress of divorce and its many consequences can affect mental and physical health. Jeff reports that he’s recently developed high blood pressure, and Lynda has been depressed and anxious . Divorce is always stressful, but later in life, people are more vulnerable to long-term health effects. Divorce at any age can be emotionally taxing, but for older adults, it can be particularly challenging. In my experience, the feelings of grief , loss, and anxiety about the future are heightened in older adults. Adjusting to a new life after many years of marriage can feel overwhelming. As we discuss this, Lynda says, “I’m worried I will end up a bitter old woman like my mother.” 5. Living Arrangements and Lifestyle For most people, the family home is the biggest asset and often needs to be sold to settle the financial aspect of the divorce. This means that later in life people need to find smaller, more affordable housing. Lynda is tearful when she describes having to leave the garden she cultivated for the past 25 years. She thinks Jeff will be able to afford a nice home, even if he downsizes, but “I will probably end up in a tiny basement apartment.” The reality is that one’s lifestyle is often downsized after divorce, but Jeff and I caution Lynda about imagining the worst. 6. Estate Planning Divorce necessitates updating estate plans, wills, and beneficiary designations. Lynda raises the issue of Jeff’s new plan to retire and asks him to keep her as the beneficiary of his life insurance. Updating estate plans can be time-consuming and a source of conflict. However, failing to do so can lead to unintended consequences, such as assets passing to an ex-spouse instead of intended heirs. Lynda says she needs to find an attorney to help her protect herself. “If you retire, I don’t know how you’re gonna do it but you still need to pay my alimony,” she says angrily. 7. The Divorce Process Lynda and Jeff need information about the next steps. I describe their options: mediation, litigation, and collaborative divorce. We discuss how complex their divorce might be, especially at their stage of life, and when it comes to dividing assets accumulated over decades and navigating issues such as spousal support and retirement benefits. They agree to look into collaborative divorce so that each will have the legal and emotional support of a collaborative team. The challenges and complexities of gray divorce suggest that spouses need more support than spouses ending a short-term marriage earlier in life. Lynda and Jeff understand that they will need to plan carefully, seek support from friends and family, and continue to work with a therapist who specializes in divorce-related issues. Despite Lynda’s anger, they are motivated to divorce respect, to avoid court, and to avoid involving their children. They decide to interview several collaborative divorce lawyers to see if that process will be the best fit for them. And we decide to check in in a few months to see how the process is going. Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D., - Website - Book -