The focus on academic achievement robs kids of the chance to build life skills. The pressure to excel turns troublesome when kids feel their self-worth is contingent on perfect grades. Children need free play and independent activities to develop autonomy and resilience. Taking chances helps kids cultivate courage and build confidence. My son Marty started middle school by handing in half-finished summer homework. A school administrator reviewed his work and told me he would be in the intermediate math class. “The regular group is great,” I said. “I never hear parents say that.” Later, a mom asked about Marty’s placement and suggested a solution. As if there was a problem. “A tutor can get him to the top,” she said. “If he isn’t accelerated now, he might not make AP classes in high school.” In my neighborhood of top-performing schools and intense parental pressure, kids are put on a path to achieve early and often. “Parents have bet big that the most secure route to a successful life is through acceptance at a highly selective college. So, parents feel pressure to make their kids a success [and] safeguard their status,” Jennifer B. Wallace, author of Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It, wrote in an email exchange. But the effort it takes to secure a child’s future can do more harm than good. Academic achievement “…is a kind of life vest to keep kids afloat. But this very life vest is drowning too many of the kids it is [designed] to protect,” Ms. Wallace wrote. Our system is out of whack. When only exceptional will do Moms in my neighborhood know what it takes to win. They went to the country’s most competitive colleges and have carved out careers in courtrooms, boardrooms, and sales offices as partners, managing directors, and CEOs. Now they’re trying to pass achievement down to their preschoolers who are so advanced, they’re bored. “Ezra isn’t challenged in pre-K,” one mom who started a successful business said at a bowling party where the lanes were lined with bumpers so little kids could get a strike. “I’m supplementing with science and extra math.” “Jack is the same,” another mom said. “He’s reading. Play-Doh and picture books are dull.” After school, chess has replaced tag. Kindergarteners can castle, but they can’t tie their own shoes. First graders read Harry Potter, but they’ve never heard of hopscotch. Middle schoolers prep for college. “I have patients in 8th or 9th grade who think about college admissions,” said Dr. Rachel Busman, senior director of the child and adolescent anxiety program at Cognitive and Behavioral Consultants. “[Kids say] ‘if I don’t take all of these AP classes, I’m not going to get into a good school.’” Anything below the top is perceived to be the bottom, and kids get the message that if their grades aren’t stellar, they are subpar. So, middle schoolers who should be outside testing fate with abandon are sitting at desks, supervised, and perhaps scolded. “I see very few kids with free time after school,” said Busman. “Kids need more balance [but] that would necessitate a whole culture shift.” Evolution makes that complicated. An age-old battle for the best Parents seek what they believe will secure a child’s prospects. In the Stone Age, it was the skill to spear a wooly mammoth. Today, it’s grades to get into an elite school. “You don’t want your genes to be losers,” said Dr. Frank McAndrew, a psychologist at Knox College who studies behavior from an evolutionary perspective. Selective schools signal status. And parents pursue positions at the top of the pecking order. But standing on the pinnacle is precarious, and families who appear secure may feel frantic. “Status is relative. If you’re already at the top—there’s a long way you can fall," McAndrew said. "The risk of your children being less successful than you appears very real, and that insecurity drives you. We’re walking around with caveman brains in a modern world.” This mismatch clouds our ability to see what kids need today. Research like this study found that children spend so much time studying and participating in adult-supervised activities that they aren’t developing the autonomy and inner strength to thrive in life. “Parents have an idea that they want their kid to succeed and the only way to ensure that is to control what they do,” said Dr. Emily Loeb, a clinical psychologist who works with adolescents and college kids. But her research shows that backfires. “Kids don’t learn to think for themselves," she explained. "They don’t take risks and they fear making mistakes." In the desire that our offspring dominate, we’re not doing our kids any favors. When there's no freedom to fail I taught journalism to graduate students at Columbia University, one of the country’s most competitive schools. A major topic of conversation at faculty meetings, was how to handle increasing anxiety among our students and their pursuit of perfection. One day, a top student stopped by my office and sobbed. “I don’t know what to do,” she said. I thought there was a death in her family. “Take a deep breath,” I said. “You’ll get through this.” “I want my story to be perfect,” she said. “But I’m not producing anything good.” I encouraged her to focus on a first draft, not the finish line. “You’re just getting started,” I said. “It’s OK to struggle and make mistakes.” But students experienced glitches like catastrophes. Most were obsessed with outcomes. “Professor, tell me exactly what I need to do to get an A,” I heard often. Kids couldn’t cope when their best wasn’t good enough for a top grade on every. single. project. They didn’t understand that the road to success includes unexpected snags and setbacks that derail us. “Kids have been deprived of learning how to deal with uncertainty,” said Dr. Camilo Ortiz, a professor of clinical psychology at Long Island University, who treats children with anxiety conditions. His research shows that kids need more freedom and exposure to what he calls the 4D’s: danger, distress, discomfort and disappointment to become self-confident and resilient. Too many kids “fall apart if things don’t go the way they expect,” he said. My mother didn't anticipate that I would cover the 2nd Intifada in the Gaza Strip. Getting out of my own comfort zone gave me the chance to cultivate courage and become brave. I wanted my students to get accustomed to uncertain outcomes, so I assigned projects that required risk. “The unknown is a sacred space,” I said. “Struggling through uncertainty is how we become brave and bold, no matter the outcome.” The more chances my students took, the more confident they became. Success is a journey, not a destination When I was Marty’s age, I was mediocre. My mom didn’t expect me to become a war reporter or a college professor. When I couldn’t figure out physics in high school, that didn’t disappoint my dad, an aerospace engineer who built rockets for NASA. “Find what you love,” he said. “It’s not math." I didn’t spend time after school with a tutor to get to the next step. I walked into the world on my own. I searched for my strengths and learned to strive. My road to success has been filled with tears, mistakes and a bit of bad luck. I don't want my son to feel his future is at stake at 11 years old. As I wrote in this blog, for five years Marty struggled with undiagnosed Celiac disease. He’s starting 6th grade in a tough spot, after missing months of school. “I didn’t learn long division,” Marty said. “I’m behind.” “There’s no finish line,” I said. “Recovering from setbacks takes time.” The cavewoman in me wants to pressure my kid to cram. But I know what he needs isn’t stress to appear superior. It’s the freedom to find his way, even when that comes at the cost of straight A’s. Epilogue The other night Marty did half of his math homework. “I’m finished,” he said. He picked up his iPhone and watched chef Nick DiGiovanni cook. “Let’s try this lollipop lamb recipe,” Marty said. I encouraged him to do one more math problem, and then we cooked. The first step was homemade butter, but we made a big mistake. We used a juicer instead of a food processor. “It’s not working,” I said, scooping white mush out of the blender. “Let’s forget this recipe.” “Don’t give up Mom,” Marty said. “So what if it isn’t perfect?” Maybe feeling fearless in the kitchen is more valuable than handing in flawless homework. Becky Diamond - Website -

Receiving an autism diagnosis at any age can be life-transforming. People are increasingly being diagnosed with autism in adulthood. Older adults sometimes question whether it is worthwhile seeking out a diagnosis. An autism diagnosis later in life can help people gain awareness about their past. An autism diagnosis later in life can help people identify their needs and adapt behaviors accordingly. I work with clients from their late teens into their late 70s. One question some of my older clients ask, particularly those over the age of 60, is whether there’s any point in pursuing an autism diagnosis at their age. After all, they’ve already lived an entire life without knowing. The reality is that living with undiagnosed autism is challenging. Many undiagnosed autistic adults, particularly older adults who grew up in an era of increased ignorance and reduced acceptance of autism, camouflage their autistic traits heavily. Camouflaging, or masking, involves hiding the traits that are most likely to reveal you as autistic and hiding the levels of anxiety and discomfort you experience in social situations and as the result of sensory or emotional overwhelm. Camouflaging is linked with mental health issues, including anxiety, depression , and suicidality.1 So while these older adults have gotten through life thus far, it’s often been tough to do so. Receiving a diagnosis offers the potential of a life where you recognize and respect your needs as different and valid. It allows you to re-evaluate past experiences—perhaps, for example, being bullied and ostracized for being different, which is commonly experienced by autistic people. 2 A diagnosis also allows you to access the correct type of medical and therapeutic support and can help you better explain your experiences to your friends and colleagues. Some of my clients who have received a diagnosis later in life have shared the impact of their diagnosis with me. Mandy, 62, told me, “I have truly never felt the way I do now. It’s as if I’ve been waiting all my life for something and now I have it. It’s down to feeling validated and understanding all these parts of my past that had been a mystery up until now.” Sarah, 74, described the change in her life since being diagnosed as autistic. “I don’t really have the words to describe how the diagnosis has changed my life. It’s everything. I can breathe easier. I’m kinder to myself. I’ve stopped putting myself out there all the time for my adult children and I take time for my interests. I feel like I can make this phase of my life one of the best.” Anthea, 76, told me, “I didn’t tell a soul I was going for a diagnosis. I was terrified about the whole process. I thought people would think I was ridiculous at my age. I thought I was ridiculous! But knowing I’m autistic is the single best thing I’ve ever done. I’m finally learning to be kind to myself, to accept myself. And that’s huge, after a whole lifetime of thinking I’m a failure.” A diagnosis at any stage in life doesn’t always provide what autistic people might expect, particularly concerning accessing post-diagnostic support, including therapy. In addition, accessing a diagnosis isn’t always easy. Yet as my clients’ experience above reveals, it can create a significant shift in perspective, which often leads to self-awareness and supportive changes in behavior. If the issue that’s holding you back from pursuing a diagnosis is your age, don’t let it be. Age shouldn’t be a barrier to improving your quality of life. Claire Jack, Ph.D., - Website - References 1. Beck, J. S., Lundwall, R. A., Gabrielsen, T., Cox, J. C., & South, M. (2020). Looking good but feeling bad: “Camouflaging” behaviors and mental health in women with autistic traits. Autism, 24(4), 809-821. 2. Neil Humphrey & Judith Hebron (2015) Bullying of children and adolescents with autism spectrum conditions: a ‘state of the field’ review, International Journal of Inclusive Education, 19:8, 845-862, DOI: 10.1080/13603116.2014.981602

Schedule a time to worry. It sounds crazy, but it works. Paradoxically, scheduling a time every day to worry reduces worrying. Do your scheduled worrying at the same time and place for up to 30 minutes. At other times, postpone thinking about worries until the next scheduled worry time. The first two posts in this series about worry discussed ways to distinguish helpful, adaptive worrying (“3 Ways to Tell If Worry Is Helpful") from unhelpful, maladaptive worrying ("5 Signs That Worry Is Not Helpful"). This post teaches you a proven worry-reduction technique: scheduled daily worrying. Hold on. It sounds crazy, but contrary to what you might expect, scheduling time to deliberately worry reduces worry’s impact on your brain. Benefits of Scheduled Worry Psychologist researchers Sarah McGowan, Ph.D., and Evelyn Behar, Ph.D., measured levels of worry, anxiety , and insomnia . Study participants spent 30 minutes writing down their worries daily at a chosen time and place. Guess what happened? Pesky, intrusive worries became less frequent. Even better, when worries did intrude, they didn’t hijack the brain. The worry thoughts were less upsetting. People were less anxious, less worried, and had less insomnia. How It Works Follow these simple guidelines. Choose a time: Select a time when you will worry for 30 minutes. Research has studied worrying for 30 minutes, but some of my clients benefit from 15 minutes. See what works for you. You may need more time at first or during stressful times. Choose a place: Research recommends doing your worry time in the same place every day. This helps worrying from becoming associated with that one place instead of showing up everywhere. Set a timer: This lets you give your full attention to worrying. You do not have to keep track of the time. The timer will tell you when to stop. Write down your worries : On paper or a computer, write every worry you can think of, big or little, past, present, or future. Do not be rational or reassuring. Do not make plans based on your worries. Do not question, challenge, or evaluate your worries. Your job is to listen to the part of your brain that is worrying and put the worries into words on paper. If no more worries come to mind: Keep writing the last worry until some other worry comes to mind or your scheduled time for the day ends. When worry time ends: Move away from your worry place. Go do something else. If worries pop up at other times: Make a note of the worry. Promise to give it your attention during the next scheduled worry time. Then return your attention to what you are doing. Repeat this as often as needed. If worries come in the middle of the night: Keep your phone or a pen and paper next to the bed. If you wake up and start worrying, quickly write the worries. Promise to give them your undivided attention at the next worry time. Then roll over and go back to sleep. Keep your promise: During your next worry time, start writing focusing on any worry that came to mind since your last scheduled worry time. Why Is It Important to Keep Your Promise? Because if you tell the part of your brain that is worrying that you will listen to it later—but you don’t—it gets louder and more insistent. You are postponing worries to the scheduled time, not pushing them aside entirely or trying to make them stop. Pushing worries away, also known as “thought-stopping,” makes upsetting thoughts more intrusive and distressing. See Wegner’s research for details. Can I Just Think About My Worries? It seems much more effective to write the worries rather than think about them during the daily worry time. Physical writing (or typing) seems important for several reasons: Writing something takes more attention. Writing uses more of the brain than thinking or even saying something. Writing something down quite literally gives you “distance” and a different perspective on the thought. Summary Scheduled worry time is an unexpected—but effective—way to reduce intrusive worries. Follow these nine steps: Choose a time to worry. Choose a place to worry. Set a timer for 15-30 minutes. Write down your worries. If no more worries come to mind, keep writing the last worry. When worry time ends, move to another place and activity. If a worry pops up at other times, promise to listen to it during the next worry time. If worries come in the middle of the night, jot them down, promise to pay attention to them during the worry time, then go back to sleep. Start the next worry time writing any worries that came up. Try it for a week or two. You may be happily surprised. Elizabeth McMahon, Ph.D., - Website - References McGowan, S. K., & Behar, E. (2013). A preliminary investigation of stimulus control training for worry: effects on anxiety and insomnia. Behavior modification, 37(1), 90–112. McMahon, E. (2019). Overcoming Anxiety and Panic interactive guide. San Francisco, CA: Hands-on-Guide. Wegner, D. (1994). White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obsession, and the Psychology of Mental Control. The Guilford Press.

Here are examples of friendship betrayals and how they affect us. People have expectations of friendship, including support, respect, loyalty, reciprocity, or connection. A sense of betrayal exists because the expectations of friendship are violated. When a friend betrays us, it can cause a range of negative emotions , including shock, loss, and grief . At their best, friendships can be wonderful bonds, staving off feelings of loneliness and boredom and fostering a sense of belonging, care, and trust. At their worst, however, betrayal, exploitation, and manipulation by friends form constant threats to not only one's self-esteem but one's worldview, too. Feeling betrayed, defined as "harmed by intentional actions of people we trust" (Rachman, 2010), can include a host of friendship behaviors. These actions can be wide and varied so long as they include an emotional impact. This might include: A friend is sharing your private conversation with others. This might create a deep fissure in what we may choose to continue saying to that friend and a sense that our trust has been broken. If the friend offers an explanation for why they've shared private information with others, it may offer some reprieve, but the sense that they may not be trustworthy may still linger. If they do not explain, this only furthers a sense of unease. A friend is not supporting an important milestone. Achieving important milestones, like work promotions, weddings, or reaching a specific goal , requires effort and dedication. A friend who does not show support can suggest that either they don't care enough about the person or the friendship or that they may not actually want the best for us, causing emotional distancing. A friend is refusing to recognize or apologize for an action that may have hurt you. When we have clarified to a friend that their words or actions have hurt us and they dismiss, deny, or refuse to recognize the impact of their actions, feeling invalidated, disregarded, and questioning the friendship are normal responses. A friend who only fosters your friendship when it's convenient for them. For instance, a friend who only wants to get together at a place close to them or requires you to pick them up might make you feel like your goodwill or generosity is being taken advantage of. While a friendship based on one-sided convenience may not be "intentional," the refusal of reciprocity can certainly cause the giving friend a sense of frustration and a perceived imbalance in actions or gestures of the friendship, in essence, asking themselves: "If they wanted to [fill in the blank], they would." A friend who refuses a reasonable request for support. A friend refusing a reasonable request for support may cause a sense of betraying expectations of friendship, particularly of reciprocity, if we may have helped a friend in similar ways. There are four ways of showing social support, which may all bring about a similar sense of betrayal: Emotional: Showing care and empathy, like offering a shoulder to cry on, for instance. Instrumental: Offering tangible support, like giving a friend's resume for an open position at work or bringing groceries to a friend with a broken leg. Informational: Giving helpful advice when needed, like talking a friend through a problem they may be facing. Appraisal: Offering information that might help a friend positively self-evaluate, like encouraging them to apply for a job, even if they may not have all the qualifications. Among all of these examples, a sense of betrayal exists because the expectations of friendship—support, respect, loyalty, shared moral standards, honesty, reciprocity, or genuine connection—are violated. The resulting feelings may be feelings of exploitation, manipulation, or worse yet, a sense of self-doubt (asking "why me"). In fact, betrayal trauma can also cause negative beliefs about our own sense of safety and trust on a wider scale. According to Rachman's research, being betrayed can cause considerable distress, with wide-ranging effects including shock, loss and grief, morbid preoccupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, and anger . In effect, betrayal in friendships drains one's mental, emotional, and physical energy by searching for ways to navigate the newly arisen complexities of maintaining bonds with people who have not upheld the same definition of what it means to be a friend. Thus, we may not fundamentally trust if we want to maintain the friendship. If, upon reading this, you find yourself evaluating a friendship, consider taking some space . Mariana Bockarova, Ph.D. - Website - References Rachman, S. (2010). Betrayal: A psychological analysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(4), 304-311.

How much are our own attitudes and behaviors contributing to the problem? Rates of depression and anxiety have been rising among young people for decades. Depression is characterized by negative views of yourself, the world around you, and the future. Complaining is easy, finding solutions is harder but more productive. If we want young people to feel better about the world, we better step up our game. One of the latest topics in our 24-hour news cycle is how depressed young Americans are becoming. Whether you are looking at rates of anxiety , depression, or suicide, teens are disproportionately affected. Theories about the causes of this trend abound and include loneliness caused by Covid, alienation caused by social media, overly involved parents who undermine their children’s resilience, and lifestyle changes. Both depression and anxiety are strongly related to the way we think about the things that are happening to us. Aaron Beck, a psychiatrist known for his groundbreaking research on mood disorders postulated that depression stems from three cognitive factors he referred to as the cognitive triad. These include negative beliefs about yourself, the world around you, and the future. So, what if we tried to determine what it is about this moment in history that is causing so many of our young people to feel so hopeless. Negative beliefs about yourself: Part of moving from youth to adulthood involves developing the academic, social, and employment skills necessary to become independent. This is certainly nothing new, but in our technological world many young people find themselves training until well into their 20s to prepare for their career of choice. During this time, they often remain dependent on their family for economic and social support and are constantly being told that their worth as a person depends on their educational attainments and career success. Other youth find themselves trying to compete on this economic playing field without the education and family resources necessary to be competitive. In the meantime, they are being exposed to a relentless parade of people on social media who seem to be more attractive, more accomplished, and more successful than they are. If you can never live up to the expectations of your parents, schools, employers, and peers and are constantly comparing yourself to impossible social media standards, it is hard to view yourself positively. While teens have always had to develop their own identity and independence, I would argue that this was easier to do when you were comparing yourself to the real people around you rather than photoshopped influencers. Negative beliefs about those around you: In their quest to figure out their own goals, teens obsessively observe the people around them. If they see their parents struggling to climb the corporate ladder, or working excessively to stay in place, they may assume that their own efforts won’t pay off either or that the environment we live in is so unfair that it isn’t worth trying to get ahead. While social problems, political conflict, and distrust of leaders is nothing new, our 24-hour news cycle certainly makes every wrinkle in the system glaringly apparent. When you throw in deliberate misinformation and the disintegration of trust in institutions, including religious organizations, universities, scientific research, and corporations, it is not surprising that many young people feel as though there is no one they can trust. But what is new is not the corruption but rather our constant exposure to it. By today’s standards, it is amazing to think that the general population didn’t know that FDR used a wheelchair, that John F. Kennedy had affairs while living in the White House, that many institutions simply covered up the poor behaviors of their employees, or that our military actions were not always valorous. While it is common for pundits to argue that prior generations were braver than youth today, they often ignore the fact that it was much easier to feel proud about your country's actions when news was censored to provide only positive views of what happened. For example, during WWII, the blitz of London was portrayed as evidence of the Nazi’s evil intent and bravery of the British. The extent of the Allied blitz on the city of Dresden was not shown, although the city was virtually leveled and civilian casualties were higher than those in London, when calculated as a percentage of the total population. Negative beliefs about the future: Today’s teens are living their lives surrounded by stories of economic crises, catastrophic climate change, and atrocities occurring around the world. So perhaps it is not surprising that many are concerned about the viability of their future. Close to 60% of young adults say that they worry about having children because of climate change, many fear they will never pay off their student loans or own a house, and most don’t trust the adults who are now in charge to make any meaningful improvements in the outlook. But is this true? Are their prospects any worse than those of prior generations? Materially, we live easier lives than virtually any other population in the history of the world. We do face major issues in terms of rectifying social and racial inequities, and the complexity of the global economy makes it hard to understand, never mind predict, how things will turn out. But viewed on a large scale, human rights worldwide are improving, we have put in place social safety nets like Medicare and Social Security, which were not available in this country only a 100 years ago, and even the millennials are outrunning the prediction that they would never be able to build prosperous lives for themselves because they came of age during an economic decline. Fear, anxiety, proactive coping, and optimism in the sense of meeting, not ignoring, challenges can be learned and taught. We all need to become media-literate, and to consciously question the constant flow of information. We can insist that our media outlets be more responsible (solutions journalism), and we need to think more logically and less emotionally about social media. As with most technology, we developed and deployed it without thinking about the long-term consequences. But even this isn’t new. We developed medical techniques to keep gravely ill people alive before we started grappling with quality-of-life issues. We produced and used nuclear weapons before clearly addressing the ethical issues involved. But since the impact of technology and social media has been quieter and more insidious than a bomb, the impact has been more difficult to detect and combat. That doesn’t mean we can’t consciously choose to manage its impact on our lives, and to talk, explicitly and frequently, to our kids about its value and its problems. If we want our young people to feel better about the world, we better step up our game. It is always easier to criticize and complain than it is to find solutions to problems. It is always easier to romanticize the past or to demonize the future than it is to put in the effort to effect meaningful change in the present, in the real world. The young people around us may have more years ahead of them than we do, but they don’t always know how to put things into perspective or to strategize about solving problems. Just as you can’t change the political landscape if you don’t vote, you can’t make the world better if you sit on the sidelines and complain. If we want the next generation to be more proactive and resilient, we have to show them how to do that and why it matters to them, the people around them, and the future. Mary McNaughton-Cassill, Ph.D., - Website -

Apply your strengths to land work that you love. ADHD brains are motivated for things that interest them. Certain careers keep people with ADHD more engaged and productive than others. Informational interviewing, although intimidating, can help you learn about different professions. Nurture resilience by recalling and focusing on previous successes. Many older teens and emerging adults struggle with figuring out what profession to pursue. You may feel pressure to earn a certain amount of money or find a career with a particular status. But this may not be the best approach. Of course, you need to consider your salary and your opportunities in a given field. But it’s more useful at the beginning of this process if you can zoom out and consider what you actually like to do. Given that many people with ADHD wrestle with staying focused and engaged in activities that don’t interest them, reflecting on what captivates you before thinking about other aspects of a career points you in a direction of real possibilities. If you don’t like a subject or task, there may not be much longevity in that career for you. How to Identify a Good Career Fit Start by asking yourself these questions: What grabs my attention? When do I stay focused? When am I the least overwhelmed or distractible? What brings me pleasure either in my free time, when I am studying, or when I am working? What activities or tasks make me happy when I’m doing them? What have I enjoyed or found tolerable related to work in the past? If I had three wishes for myself related to a profession, what would those be? What negative messages do I tell myself that thwart me before I even begin on this path? Once you have some answers, it’s time to reflect on your executive functioning strengths and challenges. There are several work-related challenges for people with ADHD. First, time management, related to the common ADHD issue of time blindness, can be a real struggle. It’s tough to arrive at meetings or events promptly, to meet deadlines, and to estimate correctly how long something will take. Second, focus may be a stumbling block. Distractibility and being able to direct the spotlight of your attention to sustain concentration on a tedious or less-than-compelling task will affect your ability to complete things. Last, supervisors want to see productivity and consistent performance. When you struggle with impulse control, organization, wandering attention, or prioritizing, you're more apt to become easily overwhelmed or procrastinate. It’s harder to order the tasks in front of you and decide what’s most important to accomplish. Getting the support, you need to shore up your executive functioning challenges is a key step towards finding and sticking with a career that fits your ADHD brain. In fact, research has shown a link between job control (what you do and how you do it) and social support as key factors in creating effective work environments for people with ADHD. Jobs can be divided into two categories: those with structure and those without it. Structured jobs include teaching, social work, working in the food service industry, nursing, emergency care ( EMT, firefighter, police officer ), or technology. Less structured jobs generally include journalism, therapy or coaching, the arts, or running your own small business. The main difference is that structured jobs have clear roles, defined job tasks, and built-in routines. Unstructured jobs are more flexible. It’s important that you consider which type of environment suits you best or fits well with your ADHD brain. Which type of lifestyle and responsibilities would suit you? Now, of the jobs that interested you from the reflection exercise above, do you know anyone who works in one of those fields? Who might your friends, family members, teachers, or advisors know? Is there a career or alumni office at your school that could assist you in making these connections? Beginning to explore professional avenues means exploring a network of folks for informational interviewing. Informational interviewing—talking with people who do work that seems appealing to you for 15 to 20 minutes about their career paths—can be super helpful in getting a clearer picture of what someone does in their job and how they got to their position. You may be thinking, “No way—I am not talking to people I don’t know.” Many people with ADHD experience social anxiety, which would make this step particularly difficult. That’s why you need to take this slowly, do your research, and engage in networking. When you’ve asked someone for a short, informational meeting, create your questions in advance and write them down. Under stress, it’s harder for folks with ADHD to recall information, so give yourself the support you need. Of course, it’s natural to feel nervous or uncomfortable, so practice your questions with a coach, therapist, friend, mentor, or caring family member. This practice is essential to lowering your anxiety by increasing your familiarity with such conversations. Living with an ADHD brain means planning can be tricky. Yet, it’s essential to prepare for your meeting. Expect to feel awkward and strategize how to manage it in advance so you’re not thrown off when those feelings arise. Talking with people who practice a variety of roles in different professions will assist you in understanding what’s entailed in doing the actual work of a job and the different journeys people took to get there. Plus, once you’ve completed one of these informational interviews, you’ll be surprised how others will begin to feel less intimidating. If, like many people with ADHD, you lack confidence in your abilities and think that you “are not good at anything at all,” zoom out and look at the bigger picture of your life. You have successes and you’ve had defeats—this is normal. While these disappointments sting, you likely have regrouped after these experiences in some way, overcome negative thinking, and forged ahead. This resilience facilitated your growth time and time again and is the kryptonite to that negative chatter running around your head. Start a list of times when things went well, when you succeeded, and when someone praised your efforts. Write these down on Post-Its and put them on a bulletin board, the front of your refrigerator, or your bathroom mirror. This attention to positive developments in your life will create more balance and turn down the volume on the shame that you are not enough. Everybody has their own unique strengths. You may have experienced criticisms, setbacks, or “failures” that have fed this negative, judgmental voice in your head. You are not alone. Many neurodivergent people live with a similar voice in their heads, which also holds them back. That voice is not who you are! It’s just unhelpful noise, chattering to keep you insecure and ashamed. It sounds like it’s time to shift from thinking about what you are "bad at” to what you are “inexperienced at.” You have not yet discovered how to apply your innate skills. "Yet" is the operative word here. Lastly, I want to remind you that there may be no better way to figure out what you want to do than by trying things. If you worked as a waiter for three months but felt overwhelmed, stressed, and had difficulty dealing with customers, then you’ve learned that restaurant work isn’t for you, not that you’ve failed at being a server. This is good information! If you worked as an emergency medical technician in an ambulance and enjoyed the fast pace of helping people in crisis and want to do more, then maybe becoming a paramedic or nurse is in your future. That is good information, too. So take a small risk, test the waters, and try something. Small steps lead to exploration and forward motion. Sharon Saline, Psy.D., - Website - Book - References ADDitude Editors Verified Medically reviewed by ADDitude’s ADHD Medical Review Panel Updated on October 23, Editors, Add., Verified, & Panel, Add. A. M. R. (2023, October 23). 16 good jobs for people with ADHD. ADDitude. Effect Modification by Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) Symptoms on the Association of Psychosocial Work Environments With Psychological Distress and Work Engagement. Front Psychiatry. 2019 Mar 27;10:166. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00166. PMID: 30971966; PMCID: PMC6445946. Halleland HB, Sørensen L, Posserud MB, Haavik J, Lundervold AJ. Occupational Status Is Compromised in Adults With ADHD and Psychometrically Defined Executive Function Deficits. Journal of Attention Disorders. 2019 Jan;23(1):76-86. doi: 10.1177/1087054714564622. Epub 2015 Jan 2. PMID: 25555629 Nagata, M., Nagata, T., Inoue, A., Mori, K., & Matsuda, S. (2019). Effect modification by attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) symptoms on the association of psychosocial work environments with psychological distress and work engagement. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 10. Which jobs are the most suitable for people with ADHD?. RSS. (n.d.).

Strategies for women in a youth-obsessed culture. Women 40-plus navigate societal norms and physiological changes in aging. Societal appearance standards can shape worth, yet they're socially constructed and deconstruct able. Embracing aging involves a multifaceted approach centered on acceptance and "bigger-picture thinking." Over the past decade, extensive research has delved into the topic of body image during mid- and late-life, with a predominant focus on the struggles experienced by women in these phases. This emphasis is hardly surprising, for a society fixated on youth and beauty standards, including the "thin ideal" and "ageless skin." Encountering a woman who not only accepts but also holds positive feelings toward her body is a rarity in this context. Research indicates that women aged 40 and above face various influences that shape their perceptions of appearance. These factors include observing changes in their bodies and societal expectations to minimize signs of aging, such as lines or gray hairs. The societal norm of female beauty, marked by the thin-young ideal, becomes more distant with aging-related physiological changes impacting the female body.1 However, it's crucial to acknowledge that aging is a natural and, if lucky, a fundamental part of life. These societal standards of appearance that often define worth and value for so many are socially constructed and, therefore, can be deconstructed. To find acceptance in aging and embrace the changes that come with it, individuals can follow a multifaceted approach that centers on themes of acceptance and "bigger-picture" thinking. Here are 10 empowering strategies to help individuals find peace and appreciation for their aging bodies. Identify and adopt realistic role models: Challenge societal beauty standards by critically evaluating media images. Seek out older individuals who embody qualities like strength, wisdom, and courage, focusing on attributes beyond physical appearance. Reengage in self-care practices: Reconnect or, in some cases, connect, for the first time, with your body by engaging in self-care routines emphasizing valuing and responding to your physical needs. These routines can include activities like applying lotion, attending regular doctor appointments, exercising, meditating, and practicing yoga. Avoid making disparaging remarks about your body: Practice self-compassion by looking in the mirror and describing your body in neutral terms. Avoid negative self-talk and instead focus on acknowledging your body without judgment. List reasons you appreciate your body: Once you can view your body neutrally, recognize the positive ways in which your body has served you. Express appreciation aloud, write down these reasons, and refer to them when negative self-talk creeps in. Write an apology letter to your body: Reflect on any past mistreatment or neglect of your body and seek reconciliation. Apologize to your body for any harm it may have endured, fostering a sense of connection and acceptance. Practice self-compassion: Stop blaming your body for the natural process of aging. Speak to yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend, treating your body with love and care. Get accurate information about aging: Seek reliable resources on the aging process, encompassing changes in your body. Recognize that weight gain in midlife, for instance, can result from hormonal and metabolic shifts. Understanding these natural changes helps normalize the aging experience. Try a holistic mind/body approach: Integrate your mind and body by exploring techniques such as guided imagery, mindfulness meditation, mirror work, and compassionate body scans. These practices can help challenge self-criticism, reduce self-objectification, and promote self-acceptance. Shift your focus from eternal youth to fundamental values and personal transcendence: Redirect your focus from pursuing eternal youth to exploring fundamental values and personal transcendence. Shifting your attention away from appearances, engage in an existential journey that embraces the natural aging process, fostering acceptance and promoting personal growth. Consider what legacy you want to leave behind and how you wish others to remember you, allowing these reflections to guide your path. Connect socially: Cultivating meaningful connections with friends, family, and community in mid to late life is instrumental in cultivating emotional support, fostering a rich exchange of diverse perspectives on aging, commemorating life achievements, diminishing stigma, and deepening a sense of belonging. This shared experience challenges societal beauty standards and normalizes aging, ultimately contributing to a more inclusive and positive body image. In a society captivated by youth, navigating the journey of aging requires a deliberate effort to redefine beauty and self-worth. By challenging cultural obsessions, fostering self-compassion, and celebrating the richness of each passing year, you can embark on a peaceful relationship with your body that transcends the limitations of age-centric standards. Remember, true beauty is timeless, and your worth extends far beyond the superficial constraints of cultural expectations. Carolyn Karoll, LCSW-C, CEDS-S, - Website - References Kilpela, Lisa Smith et al. “Body Image in Adult Women: Moving Beyond the Younger Years.” Advances in eating disorders (Abingdon, England ) vol. 3,2 (2015): 144-164. doi:10.1080/21662630.2015.1012728

Learn a powerful way to explore, question, and change worries and fears. Challenging distorted thinking is hard when dealing with the emotional whirlwind of worry, fear, or panic . Help your reacting brain and thinking brain talk to each other before getting caught up in anxiety . A fears vs. facts dialogue table helps you effectively challenge worries and fears. We know that challenging distorted or “irrational” thinking reduces anxiety . But how exactly do you do that? It is hard to believe logical thoughts when your body and emotions are screaming at you. Intellectually recognizing that a fear is based on something that isn't true, that you don’t need to panic, or that you worry too much, can make no difference when your body and your emotions say you are in danger. If it feels like your mind is fighting with itself, that’s because it is! Your Two Brains Your amygdala, or as I like to call it your reacting brain, reacts instantly and automatically when it thinks you are threatened. This is terrific and life-saving in the right circumstances. The trouble is it overreacts, triggering unnecessary worry, fear, or panic . The more developed upper part of your brain, the cerebral cortex or thinking brain, is smarter. Unfortunately, it is slower than your primitive, bodyguard brain. Because the reacting brain is faster, you get flooded with adrenaline. Your body reacts as if you may need to fight or flee. Your mind gets a primitive message of “DANGER!!!” You feel worried or panicky. Your mind starts looking for possible threats. If it sees no threat from outside, it may decide your physical sensations, your thoughts, or the intensity of your emotions are dangerous. Successfully navigating this emotional whirlwind is hard. Your activated reacting brain needs to be heard, but also be willing to listen. Your thinking brain needs to look at the whole picture, not just search for danger. The parts of your brain need to talk to each other, and they are far more able to do this when you are anxious if they have practiced ahead of time when you are calm. This post and the next take you step-by-step through how to successfully listen, explore, and re-evaluate fears and worries. Help Your Two Brains Talk to Each Other Create a written fears vs. facts dialogue table. This skill was introduced in my post “Listening to Worries Can Actually Make You Less Anxious”. Make a table with two columns and several rows. Label the left column “Worries, Fears, Distressing Thoughts”. Label the right column “Facts, Evidence, Logic, Perspective”. Creating your dialogue table on a computer lets you easily add more thoughts as you go along. Uncovering your reacting brain’s fears and questioning them in a way that is credible and convincing to you is harder than it looks. Here are the first three tips. Tip 1: Listen Before Reassuring Fill out the left side first. This is important. If you jump to the right side and start refuting your worries , the reacting brain feels unheard. Instead of a dialogue, you have a “he said,” “she said” argument. Reacting brain: “This is dangerous!” Thinking brain: “No, it’s not.” “Is too!” “Is not!” “Is too.” “Is not.” This type of discussion goes nowhere. Reflect on your own experience. When you are anxious or afraid and people say, “Don’t worry. Don’t be scared.” Do you feel convinced or not heard? Even if one part of your brain knows there’s no threat, the other part believes there is. Listen attentively to everything that scares or worries your bodyguard brain. Tip 2: Get the Details What exactly does your fear predict will happen if you don’t do what it says? What if you don’t act based on fear or worry? What might happen if you don’t leave or avoid the frightening situation? What might happen if you do not stay alert or fight your reaction? What if you do not do something special to stay safe? Put into words everything the fear or worry says. State these explicitly. Tip 3: Look Below the Surface What would actually justify being afraid? What underlying beliefs make anxiety feel like an appropriate response? What unhelpful lessons from the past contribute to present worries? Drag these unspoken assumptions and beliefs into the light and write them down. Write what the fear assumes about you, other people, the situation, or the world. You may remember Jonathan from “3 Ways to Tell if Worry Is Helpful.” He worried constantly about his car and the risk of car accidents, so together we created a dialogue table. After writing the worries that came easiest to mind, he reflected on lessons he learned growing up with an abusive alcoholic father. He realized old assumptions fed his anxieties. Notice how those general beliefs easily lead to specific worries. Jonathan’s Dialogue Table In the first column, "Worries, Fears, Distressing Thoughts," he wrote: There is something seriously wrong with the car. Every sound means there’s a problem and I will have an accident. I can’t trust the mechanic; he missed something. You can’t trust anyone. Bad things happen all the time without warning. You must stay on the alert for possible dangers at all times. Your Personal Dialogue Table Start writing your own fears vs. facts dialogue table. Fill out the left column. Read my next post for tips on completing the right column. Summary Thinking logically when you are scared is hard. You need to practice ahead of time. Creating a fears vs. facts dialogue table helps the two parts of the brain listen and talk to each other. Start by listening. Get details and look below the surface. The next post gives tips on how to convincingly evaluate and change anxious thinking. Elizabeth McMahon, Ph.D., - Website - References McMahon, E. (2019). Overcoming Anxiety and Panic interactive guide. San Francisco, CA: Hands-on-Guide.

What do teens themselves say they gain from social media? This is the second of two posts devoted to the contentious issue of social media use by teens . Some researchers have reported negative correlations between social media use and indices of mental health in teens, especially for girls, and this has led some to propose that teens should be restricted from social media. Such reports motivated me to spend many hours delving into the research literature relevant to questions of social media and teen mental health. In my last post I focused on reviews of studies aimed at determining whether there is an overall correlation between time spent on social media and indices of mental health in teens. The general finding, supported by essentially all the reviews, is that, taken as a whole, research suggests a very small negative correlation between social media use and teens’ mental well-being. Reviewer after reviewer, however, points out that the effect is too small—for either boys or girls or both combined—to account for a meaningful portion of the variance among teens in mental well-being. Moreover, researchers regularly point out that whatever negative correlations are found could be the result of depression or anxiety causing increased use of social media (perhaps as a way of coping with distress) rather than the reverse. I also, in that post, reviewed attempts to determine the direction of causation of such correlations through longitudinal studies and experiments and concluded that no studies to date provide compelling evidence that social media use causes a reduction in teens’ mental well-being. In today’s post my focus is on what teens themselves say about their use of social media and on studies that look at the immediate effects of social media use on teens’ moods. Why do teens spend so much time on social media? What do they get out of it? What do they see as the positive and negative effects it has on their mental health? What individual differences exist among teens in the mental health consequences of social media use? And, finally, what precautions might teens (and the rest of us) take to use social media safely and reduce or remove risks? Why Do Teens Spend So Much Time on Social Media? Teenagers have always been attracted to public spaces where they can hang out with friends, find new friends, and talk endlessly with peers about matters that concern them, away from parents and other authority figures. This has always been true, across cultures and across time. It seems to be an essential part of growing up. In recent decades, however, teens, as well as younger children, have been increasingly deprived of opportunities to get together in physical space away from direct adult surveillance and interference. Increasingly, their time is taken up with adult-directed activities and their freedom to join peers away from adults outside the home is restricted by fearful parents and, increasingly, by security guards at places such as shopping malls where teens gathered in decades past. (I described forces that have led to such changes here.) Under these conditions, social media is a saving grace. It provides a substitute means for teens to keep in touch with one another. Through their smartphones they can share their thoughts and feelings even when not allowed to gather physically, and they can do so during free moments even when they are kept busy with adult-directed activities. Cyberspace is the new public space for teens. If we took that away from them, they would have no space—no way to engage in the intense and private (private from adults) communication that teens have always sought and needed as part of growing up. The first thorough study I’ve found of why teens use social media so much was conducted by danah boyd (who spells her name without capitals) rather early in the social media era, a bit more than a decade ago, and published as a book (boyd, 2014). She interviewed 166 teens across the country and across ethnic groups. When she asked why they used social media so much, the regular answer she received was to keep in touch with friends. When she asked why they didn’t get together with their friends in person rather than over the Internet, they regularly told her they would much rather get together in person but had little opportunity to do so because of restrictions on their and their friends’ time and freedom. Teens also told her that it was important to them to keep their communications with peers away from the prying eyes and ears of parents and other authority figures. In boyd’s words, “They want the right to be ignored by the people they see as being ‘in their business.’… They wish to avoid paternalistic adults who use safety and protection as an excuse to monitor their everyday sociality.” Further, boyd wrote, “In 2012, when I asked teens who were early adopters of Twitter, Tumbler, and Instagram why they prefer these services to Facebook, I heard a near-uniform response: ‘Because my parents don’t know about it.” In more recent studies, teens continue to say they use social media primarily to keep in touch with friends. In a study by the Pew Research Center (Anderson & Jiang, 2018), researchers asked 743 teens, ages 13 to 17, why they use social media instead of getting together with friends in person. The most common response (by 41%) was that they had too many obligations (too many scheduled activities) to find time to hang out with friends. In addition, 34% said their friends were too busy with their own obligations, 32% cited the difficulty of finding transportation, and 33% noted that it is just easier to connect with friends online than to try to connect with them physically. What Do Teens Consider to Be the Pluses and Minuses of Social Media Use? A large recent study by the nonprofit organization Common Sense (Nesi, Mann, & Robb, 2023) focused specifically on girls ages 11 to 15, because this is the demographic considered by some to be the most vulnerable to possible negative effects of social media. The survey included more than 1,300 girls. In one set of questions the girls were asked whether the effect on their mood of using various social media platforms was primarily positive, negative, or neutral. For every platform, more girls said the effect was positive than negative. For TikTok, 43% said positive, 26% negative, and the rest neutral. For Instagram, these numbers were 38% positive, 19% negative; for Snapchat. 32% positive, 26% negative; for messaging apps 50% positive, 10% negative; and for YouTube, 65% positive, 5% negative. In another set of questions, the girls were asked if their life would be better, worse, or the same if they didn’t have access to specific social media platforms. For each platform, far more said that removing the platform would make their life worse than said it would make it better, though many said it would make no difference. For example, only 9% said life would be better without messaging apps, while 43% said life would be worse. For TikTok, 16% said life would be better without it, while 34% said worse. So, all in all, girls using social media are much more likely to feel it is good for their well-being than to feel it is harmful. Why, according to teens, does social media improve their well-being? In the Pew study (Anderson & Jiang, 2018), cited earlier, 81% of teens said social media makes them feel more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives, and roughly two-thirds said such communication makes them feel they have people who will support them through tough times. In line with that, 71% said social media makes them feel included, compared to 25% saying it makes them feel excluded, and 69% said it makes them feel confident, compared to 26% saying it makes them feel insecure. All this is consistent with the idea that teens gain social support through social media. On the possibly negative side, in the Pew study, many said they at least sometimes feel pressure to post only content that makes them look good (43%) or will get lots of likes or comments (37%). Moreover, 45% said they at least sometimes feel overwhelmed by the drama, and many in that group said they had digitally disconnected from some others because of too much drama. The Pew researchers also analyzed their data separately for boys and girls and for each age group (ages 13 to 17) and found no large differences. They concluded that boys and girls and older and younger teens generally view their social media use in similar ways. They also found that teens at the time of their study rarely posted “selfies,” unlike teens of a decade or more earlier. The decline in posting of selfies may help explain why recent studies have revealed less anxiety among teens about their physical appearance, deriving from social media, than may have been true in the past. Experience Sampling Studies of Effects of Social Media on Mood One approach to understanding short-term effects of social media use on teens’ moods is to signal them at various times and, at each signal, have them report on their use of social media within some period (typically an hour) before the signal and their current mood. In one such study, Ine Beyens and colleagues (2020) tested the hypothesis that passive social media use (where the person is just browsing and not posting) may have negative effects on mood. This hypothesis is generally founded on the belief that when one is just looking at others posts they feel socially excluded and envious of the others’ experiences. The results failed to support that hypothesis. In fact, the researchers found that 46% of the teens tested over many such sampling trials felt better, on average, after such browsing and only 10% felt worse. The rest, on average, felt neither better nor worse. A very similar finding has since been reported in another study (Valkenburg et al., 2021)—which also showed that only a small percentage of teens felt worse after passive browsing; most either felt better or were unaffected. Beyens and colleagues also found, as had others, that active use of social media—that is, sending messages, posting or sharing on social media—regularly produced a boost in teens’ feelings of well-being. In another study, Jessica Hamilton and her colleagues (2021) tested the hypothesis that teens who are depressed and have had suicidal thoughts may be at particular risk for harmful effects of social media. They conducted their study with 100 teens who were enrolled in an intensive outpatient program for depression and suicidality. At weekly visits to the clinic, over the course of a month, the teens reported on their use of social media over the past week and were assessed with measures of depression and suicidal ideation . The results were the opposite of what some might predict. Those who used social media more showed greater improvement in mental health—less depression and fewer suicidal thoughts—than those who used it less or not at all. The researchers concluded that “among adolescents who are at high risk for suicide, social media may be indicative of adaptive or healthy social engagement.” In another longitudinal study, Stephanie Fredrick and colleagues (2022) sampled social media use and depression at four time points over two years for 800 teens who were 13 to 15 years old at the start of the study. The findings were complex, but one finding that stood out was that for girls, more than for boys, higher levels of active social media use predicted lower levels of depression. This finding runs counter to the belief that social media is especially bad for girls. In this study it seemed to be especially good for girls. Sensible Advice for Social Media Use All in all, the research indicates that teens today gain much more than they lose through social media. Cyberspace may not be as great a place to hang with friends as physical space, but in a world that makes it very difficult for teens to get together physically, social media is much better than nothing. Teens themselves say they would be worse off psychologically without social media, and to me it seems obvious they are right. We must strive to change the world in ways that enable teens to get together physically much more than they currently can, but, for now, taking social media away from them would be cruel. Yet, as teens themselves admit, there can be downsides to social media use. It would not be a bad idea, I think, for all teens—and adults too!—to take a short course on safe use of social media. I’m not the expert to design such a course, but here are some thoughts that come to mind about precautions. Time management Teens regularly admit, when questioned, that they sometimes spend more time with social media than they would like. They acknowledge being drawn into it and becoming so engrossed that they lose track of time, which may cause harm by subtracting from the time they can spend on other activities. A problem is that the smartphone is always with us (I’m including all of us, not just teens), regularly alerting us that some interesting message may be coming through, and once we get involved with any given message it may be hard to leave. This is what leads some to use the word “addiction” to describe the result, but I hate that word in this context. It implies pathology rather than something quite normal. We all (and especially teens) like to communicate with others, and we are all quite naturally curious about what might lie in that next message. I (like boyd) much prefer to call it a time-management problem. “ Addiction ” sounds like something that would be hard to cure, but “time management” sounds like something we should all be able to handle if we wish. Spending lots of time on social media is not in itself bad, but it may take away from time that would be better spent on other endeavors. It would be useful for most of us, teens included, to put some breaks on our smartphone use. Choose deliberately times of day when the phone will be on and when it will be off. For starters, off at dinner time—off for everyone at dinner, not just the kids—so the family can be together and communicate in person. Similarly, when you really are together with friends, outside the family, turn the phone off so you can be fully present with your friends, not distracted by the phone. And then off at bedtime. In fact, keep it in another room at bedtime. One of the worst effects of smartphone use is sleep loss when teens (or any of us) use it late into the night or let its beeping wake us. Beyond that, there may be other times when we want the phone off. I turn mine off whenever I’m writing something I value because I hate interruption. Each person can decide for themselves what activities are important enough to them that they don’t want to be interrupted, and the phone can be turned off at those times. Teens might worry that their friends will think they don’t care about them if they don’t respond immediately to a message, but that can be remedied by a message to all friends saying something like this: “Please know there are times when I keep my phone turned off. If you send a message then, I will respond later. If you want an immediate response, message me between the hours of ­­___ and ___, when I will most likely have my phone on.” Cyberbullying and drama In her interviews with teens, boyd found that they did not think bullying online was as big a problem as adults considered it to be. They felt that bullying in person, at school, was a bigger problem. Online you can just turn the bully off, which is not so easy when a bully confronts you in a hallway at school. It’s good to remember this. If someone is really bothering you online, ignore them. Spend time with friends, not with bullies. You have nothing to gain by engaging them. Boyd also found, however, that much of what adults call bullying is not really bullying. Some of it is a sort of verbal horseplay, which may be crude and insulting; and some of it may be exaggerated, even histrionic complaints, which the kids refer to as drama. Some teens enjoy such horseplay or drama and deliberately produce or provoke it, and some don’t. The best advice for those who don’t is to disengage from those who provoke it, which, according to the Pew study, is exactly what many teens do. Privacy Boyd and others have noted that teens use social media partly to keep their communications with one another private, away from parents and other adults who may (usually with good intentions) interfere in their lives. However, they sometimes forget that what they send out on the Internet to a friend might, in some way, get out more publicly. It is good to distinguish between public and private platforms, but keep in mind that even messages in private platforms can make their way out publicly. A good rule to keep in mind is don’t send anything into the Internet that you wouldn’t want a future potential employer to see. Concluding Thoughts Throughout history, with every new form of communication—from the written word, to the printed page, to radio, to television, to computers, to the internet—we go through a certain amount of growing pains. The new generation tends to glom on to the new and the older generation is suspicious and thinks it will be the ruination of the next generation. Let’s try to avoid that. Let’s listen to the kids and not judge them based on our prejudices. Some adults are appalled by the amount of time kids spend with other kids on social media, but, as one group of evolutionary thinkers have pointed out (Katiyar et al., 2023), kids in the past regularly spent many hours every day—often all day--hanging out with other kids. They’re still doing that, but now because of our restrictions they do it on social media rather than in person. Well, that’s it. I’m done writing about social media unless there are a bunch of questions you want me to address. In my next post I plan to expand on the idea I introduced here, that the sharp increase in anxiety, depression, and suicides in teens since about 2008 is caused in large part by increased pressure for academic performance and increased fears about their future. Keep tuned. As always, I welcome your thoughts and questions. Psychology Today does not allow comments, so I have posted this on a different platform where you can comment. I invite you to comment here. References Anderson, M., & Jiang, J. (2018). Teens’ Social Media Habits and Experiences Pew Research Center, November, 2018. Beyens, I., et al., (2020). The effect of social media on well‐being differs from adolescent to adolescent. Nature Research Scientific Reports. Peter Gray, Ph.D., - Website - boyd, d.(2014). It’s complicated: The social lives of networked teens. Yale University Press. Hamilton, J.L. et al. (2021). Social media use and prospective suicidal thoughts and behaviors among adolescents at high risk for suicide. Suicide Life Threat Behav. 51, 1203–1212. Nesi, J., Mann, S., & Robb, M. (2023). Teens and mental health: How girls really feel about social media. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense. Katiyar, T., et al. (2023). An antidote to over pathologizing computer-mediated communication: An evolutionary perspective on mixed effects of mismatch. Valkenburg, P.M., et al, (2021). Social media browsing and adolescent well-being: challenging the “passive social media use hypothesis.” Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication 00, 1–19.

Forget those frustrating resolutions; there's a new way to change habits. A mechanical-replacement model of change works great for cars but not humans with emotions . An acceptance-and-commitment model of change allows for growth and is more forgiving. Three steps define a mindful change practice. I'd like to start this blog with a few of my favorite quotes about quitting food or addictions : “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself”–Rita Mae Brown “My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.”–Orson Welles It’s been said that any journey begins with the first step. Anyone who has ever made a New Year’s resolution knows that setting the resolution might be the easiest step to take. Before you take that fateful step come January 1, I want to give you two words that will have you rethink how to be successful at your goal of changing or stopping an addiction. Drum roll, please! And the words are: mindful acceptance/commitment. Okay, maybe that's three words, or two with a slash. Either way, mindful acceptance/commitment is a proven and potent tool for changing habits. Even if you have a history of finding it difficult to incorporate new changes into your lifestyle—whether related to diet, exercise or increasing your social network—you’ll be glad to discover this path to making behavioral change stick. Old Mechanical - Replacement Model of Change Did you ever leave the doctor’s office with a prescription for a pill that was supposed to fix your problem. If so, then you experienced the mechanical-replacement model of change. It's based on the idea that the body can be treated like a mechanical object, such as car or computer, in which any defective part can be quickly diagnosed and repaired. The expectation around this approach is that change is rapid and often highly successful. But as you can guess, there is one big problem with this model: You are not a machine. Also, consider that this model puts someone else in charge. For example, this model: Requires input from an expert who diagnoses the problem. Defines success primarily by the outcome of fixing what is defective or not working. Views things as good vs. bad—good parts replace what is defective. Bases the outcome on being a success or failure Benefits of the Mindful Acceptance / Commitment Model of Change Stanford University researchers conducted one of the longest and biggest head-to-head studies of several popular diets and concluded, "Weight loss was not statistically different among the Zone, LEARN, and Ornish groups." Most subjects regained any lost weight—which was only about five pounds, at the end of a year. Diets tend to create a success-vs.-failure mentality, as well as create an obsession around a number (pounds lost), as opposed to looking at the whole person. To deal with such issues, the mindful acceptance/commitment model embraces the following concepts: Change is collaborative. You determine what you want to change. Learning from mistakes is valued and accepted as part of the process. Success is defined as experiencing the process. Acceptance is not resignation or failure; acceptance is willingness to accept and recognize current stressors in your life. Awareness of the conditions that increase the tendency to return to old habits is good. Commitment to learning, practicing and mastering new skills takes time. Change is process-based; change doesn’t happen all at once and the focus is on each day—rather than on some future outcome. Do you see how radically different this approach is? For one thing, you don’t have to be perfect at making your change plans work. If your plan goes awry one day, there’s no need to freak out and view that as a failure. Rather, it’s an opportunity to understand what happened and to revise your plan so that you can be more skillful in the future. There’s no shame and no blame here. While this model is more accepting, it also requires greater patience and long-term commitment. You'll need to put in persistent effort to change, Personally, what I like about this approach is that it's gentle and forgiving Three-Step Mindful Acceptance / Commitment Practice Write down one small behavior you want to change or start. You might want to make this a baby step of a larger goal. For example, if you want to start exercising, a baby step might mean walking down your hallway or driveway, or just walking for one minute. Set a time of day and length of practice. One way to make your baby step successful is to be specific about when and how you will practice your new skill. Again, if you're going to exercise, set the time of day and for how long you will do this activity--such as every day for a five minutes for the next week. You can get support by sharing the information with someone who can act as your accountability coach. If you don't complete your activity, try and understand why. What caused you to deviate from your plan? Be kind with yourself. This is not a time for blame or shame. Instead, think about how you can revise the plan so you can successfully complete your baby step. If you need to change the baby step, then go ahead and do so. Conclusion Sometimes you will need to dig down and notice why you couldn't maintain your plan. There might be thoughts, beliefs, or other ideas that are blocking you. Don't give up. Keep in mind that mindful acceptance/commitment is a well-known therapeutic approach to change. You can always find a workbook or someone to work with you. Donald Altman, - Book -

What you can do when you feel like you are losing yourself. It can start small, like dressing the part to fit into a particular social circle or suppressing an opinion that you have over a restaurant or movie choice. The little ways we shape-shift and put other people’s happiness above our own or feel unable to express our honest opinions and thoughts, all lend to losing more and more of who we are in the name of people-pleasing. People-pleasing is subtle. Many of us grow up unaware of how we shift ourselves to appeal to and appease others. By the time we're adults, people-pleasing can easily be well-entwined and ingrained into our personality . Areas of research that point towards the clinical understanding of people-pleasing are focused on individuals who tend to display behaviors that seek social approval and involve self-sacrifice (Satow, 1975). Current psychology theory suggests that people-pleasing behaviors have roots in childhood, primarily through developed attachment styles between parents and child (Li, 2022). For me, this was definitely the case. Growing up in a household where we were often pressured to appear perfect or to not “ruffle your Dad or Grandfather’s feathers” or “say or do the wrong thing,” I found myself constantly emotionally monitoring the people around me and taking it upon myself to avoid triggering any upset and disharmony. More so, it became normal for me to not say what I was thinking or to express my opinions in everyday conversations. The first time I remember my voice being shut down was when I was at my younger brother's little league baseball team practice. My father was one of the volunteer coaches and would bring me along to help out and mentor the little leaguers. During one practice, the bases were loaded and as the next batter stepped up to the plate, I called out the suggested instruction to the little leaguers for “everyone to run home” if the ball was hit. Though this was absolutely a correct instruction for the players given the scenario, as soon as my Dad heard my voice, he whipped his head around and snapped, “What did you just say?” My throat seized up and my face was hot with shame and embarrassment. “Was what I said wrong?” I wondered, second-guessing myself. That was the last time I shared my thoughts at my brother's baseball practice and the first time I remember the distinct feeling of needing to suppress myself to appease someone else. This became a long-time personality trait of mine; as an adult, especially in my romantic relationships , I have found myself swallowing my true thoughts and opinions more times than I can recall, and day-by-day losing a part of myself each time I unconsciously operated in people-pleasing mode with my partner. What finally began to help me overcome the feeling of losing myself through people-pleasing was my mindfulness meditation practice. As a long-time meditator, the more my self-awareness increased, the more I started to see my people-pleasing tendencies and behaviors happening in real time. Below are six ways mindfulness helps you to overcome people-pleasing and stop losing yourself for good. Increased awareness of people-pleasing patterns. The more you meditate, the more self-aware you become. Therefore, you can begin to see your people-pleasing behaviors more clearly in real time as they are happening. Some common people-pleasing patterns to watch out for are: 1) wanting others to be happy and putting their happiness above yours, 2) shapeshifting who you are based on the social situations. you are in, 3) tolerating poor and toxic behaviors , 4) apologizing all of the time. More alignment with authenticity. When we're people-pleasing, we shift who we are based on the circumstances we are in. I call this the chameleon effect. We want to mold how we present ourselves to appease others around us. Mindfulness practice helps us to get radically comfortable and more connected to our authenticity, so we have greater confidence in being our authentic selves. Easier access to self-kindness. When you meditate, not only do you become more present, but you also become kinder to yourself. Self-kindness helps with people-pleasing by mitigating the shame, guilt, or self-judgment we may feel when we start to prioritize our own needs over the needs of others. Greater inner strength for setting boundaries. Creating boundaries is majorly important when it comes to working with people-pleasing. Mindfulness helps with the clarity around what boundaries you need to set to protect your authenticity and sense of self. Practicing mindfulness meditation can foster the inner strength that is often required to set and uphold the boundaries that will truly take care of you. Speaking your truth . Mindfulness supports you in communicating your truth, thoughts, and opinions. As people pleasers, we tend to shut down our voices in the name of keeping peace or making sure others are happy. Mindful speech is a powerful practice and encourages us to always be honest and to live our truth. Breaking free from conditioning. People pleasing is not only developed through our early childhood attachment styles, it functions as a fight/flight/freeze/fawn survival mechanism and technique in our adulthood. Practicing mindfulness meditation has been shown to decrease our habituated survival and stress response and move us more into skillfully responding to others’ demands or desires. I’m confident that when you start a regular mindfulness meditation practice you will begin to see your people-pleasing tendencies decrease to the point where you will feel more satisfied in your relationships and less burnt out by constantly accommodating everyone else's preferences and approval. Mindfulness will help set you free from people-pleasing for good. Amanda Gilbert - Website - Book - References Satow, K. L. (1975). Social approval and helping. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology,

The value of treating family members as partners in care. When it comes to treating mental health disorders, the participation of family members can be a huge help. Family psychoeducation (FPE) refers to a group of psychotherapeutic interventions which aim to treat disorders by emphasizing the role of family members as partners in care. FPE programs have seen extensive success when applied to a variety of disorders, including schizophrenia. But it can be quite stressful on family members. There remain concerns regarding supporting relatives and primary caregivers of those diagnosed with schizophrenia. Research has revealed that those who remain in frequent contact are at higher risk of developing anxiety , depression , and experiencing decreases in quality of life. The Trauma and Mental Health Report reached out to Professor Brendan O'Hanlon, mental health program manager and professor at La Trobe University in Melbourne, Australia, to discuss recurring concerns he has seen over the span of 20 years in researching and coordinating FPE programs. O'Hanlon explains that relatives often lack knowledge about the nature of schizophrenia and the skills which could support family members through difficult symptoms, like delusional thinking or lack of volition. This tends to weigh on families and create a sense of inability to provide helpful support. Delusional thinking and lack of volition—symptoms commonly associated with schizophrenia—can cause family members to feel frustrated and hostile toward their relative. Given that highly tense family environments have been shown to increase relapse and readmission rates for those with schizophrenia, FPE programs focus on improving family dynamics through education, training in communication, and problem-solving skills. The most basic formats of FPE programs are Multiple-Family Group Therapy (MFGT) and Behavioural Family Therapy (BFT). Both program formats involve an assessment phase which is followed by family engagement, education, and training in skill development. In the BFT format, diagnosed individuals and family members are assessed individually, followed by group meetings in which family members are encouraged to address their concerns and are provided information about their relative’s condition. The goal of the BFT approach is to provide the family helpful problem-solving skills, which can help them navigate issues that arise. MFGT functions similarly, but instead works with five to six families at a time. The families come together for clinician-facilitated group discussions in which they share the challenges they have encountered with their relatives' condition. The particular concerns of family members are used to shape the education provided to them, as well as the specific problem-solving and communication skills that will be addressed. O’Hanlon noted several benefits to having sessions with multiple families, including that “Some clients went on to meet separately, developed educational and promotional materials for the model, and became quite engaged advocates." FPE programs are thoroughly-researched and extensively supported in clinical literature regarding their effectiveness in reducing relapse and readmission rates among patients with schizophrenia. The evidence suggests that these benefits typically start to come into effect after about 9 months of the intervention. Despite robust clinical support, FPE programs are not widely implemented. This may be due to the individualized medical model of care common to the North American mental health system, particularly in the treatment of schizophrenia. Some clinicians may be hesitant to administer mental health programs with a relational focus due to a lack of training in frameworks which are more relational. In addition, family members and their diagnosed relatives have expressed apprehension about entering into treatment together. Clients seeking treatment for schizophrenia may be estranged from their families, or reluctant to enter into treatment due to a history of trauma within the family. Recent changes in clinical recommendations point to a trend valuing the role of family in the treatment of mental illness, acknowledging that family members contribute significantly to the condition and well-being of their relatives. O’Hanlon notes that “the valuing of lived experience in co-design and co-production of therapeutic interventions will help bring families' concerns to the forefront, and services won’t be able to brush them off in the way they’ve done historically.” Robert T. Muller, Ph.D., & Emma Puric - Website - Book -