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Introverts: Speak Up (From Inside Out) It can help to anticipate the most likely questions and objections that could come up at a meeting. Taking an improv class can build skills at speaking on the spot. Introverts may take comfort in the iterative process of writing and editing to express their thoughts. I’ve long struggled with feeling drowned out by others’ opinions. To the extent that I’ve learned from that and gotten my voice heard, I aim to inspire others to do the same, especially my fellow introverts. If you’re anything like me, you default to assuming that those who sound more confident than you are more knowledgeable. As a wake-up call to your conscious mind, how about reminding yourself that those who speak authoritatively, as if they have all the answers, aren’t always right? Captains of industry, bigwig politicians, and even garden-variety bosses (or controllers!) come to mind. Since when do the quantity, veneer, and volume of their words correspond to the quality of their messages? Do you buy into their pretense that their opinions are facts—and yours aren’t worth expressing? Maybe you can relate to sitting at group meetings feeling stymied, tempted to join the conversation, but overcome by the rumblings of your inner critic drowning you out. Here’s a sample mashup of the voices inside my head, especially when meeting with colleagues I perceive as more accomplished or assertive than I am: Timid inner me: I disagree with what the head honcho said, but it’s too risky to pipe up. Shaming inner me: Yup. You’ll ramble or bumble. Timid: So, maybe no one will notice if I quietly mumble. Shaming: You mean fumble! Why don’t you just cover your mouth, so nobody notices? Now that I’ve given you a glimpse into my mental murmurs, you can see what it’s like when my inner dialogue goes unchecked. So, my inner referee sends the Timid and Shaming Me for a time-out. But first, Shaming Me blows a Bronx cheer between my ears (a.k.a. a big, farty “raspberry”) for being a party pooper. My dynamic duo will be back. Trust that if your cast of characters is shadowboxing inside your head, you’re in good company. So, join me for a few simple activities, even if only as reminders: Inhale. Exhale. Feel your feet on the ground. Remember that you know your stuff; you excel at listening attentively, thinking critically, and solving problems, among your other introvert—or just human—superpowers. Trust your judgment. Also, try out these tips, which help get me grounded: 1. Manage anticipated challenges: a. Rest up: Recharge your energy, possibly through solitary activities that replenish your mind and body. Those could include walking, reading, listening to music, or even speaking with a confidante. b. Prepare: Anticipate the most likely questions and objections that could come up at an upcoming meeting, Q&A, or negotiation. Consider what the other parties are likely to say and how you would respond. You might be surprised that this could cover 80 percent of what comes up. c. Practice: Rehearse your answers, ideally out loud and in a role-play with someone you trust—not just in your head—and, better yet, video record and review yourself rehearsing. 2. Manage unanticipated challenges: a. Improvise: Take an improv class to build up your skills at speaking on the spot. That starts with listening attentively, trusting yourself, and building positively on what you hear. I find it exhilarating to get in a flow state with others; that can entail losing a sense of time and space while being pleasantly absorbed in your interaction. This is a stretch assignment for many introverts and a career booster. For more about that, check out my interview with Caitlin McClure, editor and co-author of Applied Improvisation: Leading, Collaborating, and Creating Beyond the Theatre. Also, don’t miss my interview with Carl Kissin, another masterful improviser. b. Deflect: When you’re put on the spot, practice deflecting questions and comments to others to take the spotlight off you and buy yourself time. This isn’t in the spirit of catapulting a colleague into the hot seat you’re trying to escape. Instead, it’s offering an alternative to keep a conversation moving while buying you time. c. Defer: Offer to follow up later, possibly by email. Use the power of your pen or keyboard to tap out your thoughts in your own time. As an introvert, you may take comfort in the iterative process of writing and editing to express your thoughts on your own watch. This approach also provides you time to do a little research to check your facts before you share them. All these tips are in service of becoming conscious of your unconscious dialogue. As an introvert, I’m not always chatty—except between my ears. So, I’m offering you what works for me as a starting point for egging on your own voice at meetings and beyond. Why? Simply for the intrinsic value of joining the conversation, but also to raise your visibility in your career. These tips are from my experience—as well as my decades as a career strategist and graduate business communication instructor at NYU. If you want to learn more, the dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT, work of psychologist Marsha Linehan on what she calls the emotional mind, reasonable mind, and wise mind offers a strong foundation. Nil Demircubuk, an integrative coach, recently introduced me to the teachings of Shirzad Chamine, whose bestselling book, Positive Intelligence (PQ), delves into what he calls the sage and saboteur minds. Demircubuk says, “I put my clients on the app based on the PQ program, which is fitness training for the mind. It teaches you how to move away from thoughts and patterns that do not serve you and into those that help you grow and be more fulfilled.” Now, I use the app every day as a clarion call to reconnect with my Grounded Me, a.k.a. my Earth-to-Nancy nudge! Speaking of getting grounded, see this post about managing shame by Erin Dullea, MAPP, CPPC, a positive psychology practitioner and coach. Before we part for now, this is what I wish for you: Find your way to get yourself grounded and speak up—so more and more people can benefit from the value that even a quiet voice can bring. Nancy Ancowitz - Website - References Ancowitz, N. (2018, August 6). Stretch opportunity for introverts: Applied improvisation. Psychology Today. Dudeck, T. R., & McClure, C. (2018). Applied Improvisation: Leading, Collaborating, and Creating Beyond the Theatre. Routledge. Ancowitz, N. (2017, March 20). Improv muscle. Psychology Today. Dullea, E. (2024, March 13). Transform your relationship to shame. Psychology Today. Chamine, S. (2012). Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours. Greenleaf Book Group Press.

Understanding complexities to help move towards possible realities. Whenever two people are raising a child together, co-parenting or some parallel of co-parenting is likely happening. Co-parenting involves collaboration and is a process rather than a category. Parents engage in co-parenting differently based on many factors. Co-parenting, or a version of it, is occurring in Black communities, although the term may not fit with cultural values and experiences. Two people have a child together. Maybe they were married? Maybe dating? Or maybe they were “just having sex”? In this case, the "how" may not be as important as the "what" they produced – a beautiful soul who they have the opportunity to love and raise in this complicated world. It is real that working with another human to raise a little human is hard work. Parenting with a person that you otherwise would possibly have no contact with if given a choice is likely the hardest work that two people can do. Yes, many people do some version of this parenting life – often referenced as “co-parenting.” Co-parenting is a term that is born out of, but not limited to, divorce. Wherever there are two people raising a child together (which does not mean with equal or equitable responsibilities), co-parenting or some parallel to co-parenting is likely happening. Let’s learn more… Co-parenting is a collaboration evidenced by the “co-”. That sounds so nice. “Ah…you guys get along so well!” However, let us not confuse ourselves because the “co-” does not have to also mean cooperation. This is an assumption to avoid. At its most basic level, co-parenting involves a process in which parents work together, from each of their distinct roles, to raise their child (Feinberg, 2002). “Together” is the most important word here, again linking us to “collaboration.” Think of how collaborations happen at work. Collaboration can be required, but unfortunately, that doesn’t always mean cooperation will be integrated. Similarly, when it comes to co-parenting, relationships are complicated and there are many levels. The quality of the collaboration (togetherness) and the degree of this collaboration may vary across co-parenting relationships. For example, two parents can show up to the teacher conference or show up to the soccer game to support their child/children. They can engage, support their child and even make decisions together. Hence collaboration. But, goodness… there are definitely times when there is strain and cooperation is lacking. So, for those who are collaborating, let’s give credit where credit is due (to ourselves or others) and leave space for the cooperation to grow. Co-parents may be married, in an ongoing romantic relationship, separated/divorced or may never have been in a formal relationship (McHale, 2012). Regardless of the structure in which it occurs, co-parenting involves managing the relationship with the other parent so that you can show up, be on the same team, to support your child the best way you know how. Co-parenting is a process. “You can get with this or you can get with that.” “Either you is or either you ain’t.” We love our categorical declarations. They appear to make it easier to organize and communicate about our world. But it can get tricky. A commitment to categories can also limit us (e.g., racial categories) and oversimplify the complexities of our world. So, we need to be clear that co-parenting is a process, not a category. We shift from thinking of co-parenting as more than something parents do or don’t do (categories). Instead, it is a process that parents engage in differently depending on their individual characteristics and priorities, the current nature of their relationship and/or across different stages of their child’s development. Whenever systems change, the process changes… right? Co-parenting is the same. It is important to realize that as children develop and change, each parent is on their own version of that same journey. The processes and approaches involved in parenting will likely change over time. As people change, relationships change. As a result, the co-parenting process will change too. We may benefit from considering that there are degrees to this process and allowing space for the evolution of what our souls really need. We cannot predict what that change will look like, but we can make space for what we know is coming. Co-parenting (as a process) is occurring in Black communities In the Black community, “co-parenting” is not a term that has been a natural part of our language. It may even be “under evaluation” for its “fit” with the cultural norms and experiences of Black folks. This is a fair pause because adopting existing language can also mean adopting cultural assumptions, beliefs, and behaviors, which is not always the best route. It continues to be important for Black people to define ourselves and our experiences using language that is consistent with our experiences and values. We are working on it. In the meantime, what we do know is that being an “unmarried mother” does not equate to an “uninvolved” father (Grange, 2020). While there has been an imposed cultural narrative suggesting that Black father involvement is lacking, particularly outside of the context of marriage, we know that non-residential Black fathers are actually showing up, and in some cases more than non-residential fathers in other racial groups (Ellerbe, Jones, and Carlson, 2018). Thus, if we know that people will continue to parent outside of traditional norms, and we know that some fathers are working to be involved in the parenting process, Black families and communities are served by using language that captures what that involvement looks like. To varying degrees, co-parenting, or a version of it, is occurring. While there is data speaking to the presence of the process, we do not know the prevalence of the process in the Black community. We may also be missing the opportunity to use language that highlights an important reality for Black families. Whether it is called co-parenting or something else, acknowledging the process is an important addition to the narrative representing the diverse realities of Black families. Understanding diverse parenting realities and strategies for managing them can only benefit our understanding of Black families and ultimately contribute to the well-being of our collective souls. Christina Grange, Ph.D., Charlie Harris, Ph.D., Al Williams, Ph.D. References Feinberg, M (2002). Coparenting and the transition to parenthood: A framework for prevention. Clinical Child Family Psychology Review, 5(3), 173-195. Grange, C. (2020). Evolving the “single Black mother” narrative. The National Center for Institutional Diversity. McHale, J., Waller, M.R., and Pearson, J. (2012). Co-parenting interventions for fragile families: What do we know and where do we need to go next? Family Process, 51(3), 284-306. Ellerbe., C., Jones., J, and Carlson, M. (2018). Race/Ethnic differences in nonresidential father involvement after nonmarital birth. Social Science Quarterly, 99(1158-1182).

The hidden ways that your emotions influence what you do with your money. Emotions impact financial decisions often more than logic and reason do. Fear can lead us to play it safe, while greed can cause us to overlook risk. Acknowledging the role emotions play in your choices can help you make smarter financial decisions. Finances are typically considered a matter of the mind, not the heart. Whether we're creating a budget, or picking a stock to invest in, we tend to see financial considerations as more logical and rational than other categories of decisions we make throughout the week. After all, most people agree we need to be smart when it comes to money—or else we will literally pay the price of ignorance. Decisions about money are the perfect example of how practicing what one preaches can be extremely difficult. Emotions are a primary driver of decisions; in that we tend to feel positive or negative about something immediately—it's only later that we try to develop reasons or arguments to support this feeling. The feeling-first model explains why it’s so difficult for us to walk away from a new pair of shoes we love at the store or say no to a night out with friends when these purchases are not in our budget. The planner in us knows it is the logically incorrect decision, but the feeler in us wants nothing more than to say yes. Here are some of the biggest emotions driving your financial decisions, and how they work. 1. Fear Fear is perhaps the most powerful emotion when it comes to shaping financial decisions. Research has found that the fear of losing $100 is significantly stronger in magnitude than the excitement of winning $100, a concept dubbed loss aversion.2 Panic buying, which was on full display during COVID, is fundamentally driven by fear. All logic goes out the window, and fear leads people to buy all 20 bottles of hand sanitizer that Target has on the shelf. The insurance industry is fundamentally fueled by fear. Insurance companies make money by, on average, changing customers more money in premiums than what the company must pay out in claims. However, we all happily purchase insurance to squash any fear of completely losing our home, car, or iPhone even though this insurance is a losing bet on average. Fear also manifests itself in business and investing—dissuading some people from starting their own businesses or investing money in the stock market or leading them to pull money out of the stock market at the first sign of a downturn. 2. Greed The emotion of greed can drive us to take on excessive risk in the pursuit of glamorous fortunes. Compared to other emotions, greed tends to be more rational or calculated. Research finds that if you give people money and offer them the opportunity to share this money with someone or keep it, our spontaneous gut reaction is to be generous and share. However, if you allow people to think deeply about this decision, people tend to make greedier decisions. While fear leads us to overestimate the odds of negative outcomes, greed can lead us to underestimate these odds. Greed promotes get-rich-quick thinking with money—leading to such behaviors as gambling, investing in cryptocurrency, and buying lottery tickets. (Some economists refer to the purchase of lottery tickets as a tax on the stupid—a fact I’m often scowled at for sharing with my friends). The emotion of greed can also lead people to overlook any downsides or risk, focusing only on the potential upsides—fantasizing about what it would feel like once you “hit it big”. 3. Anxiety and depression Anxiety and depression operate differently than fear and greed. These emotions will often lead to what behavioral science calls “decision paralysis.” Because it often stems from instability in a relationship, a problem at work, or the negative results of another financial decision, experiencing anxiety and depression often leads to neglecting decision-making when it comes to personal finances. Putting off choices can be a positive thing at times—for example, it can help prevent impulse purchases. On the other hand, decision paralysis can have negative consequences such as waiting too long to start investing in a retirement account or neglecting to pay off debts with nasty accumulating interest rates. How to Make Better Financial Decisions Financial decisions, just like any other decision you make, can come from the head or the heart. Try asking yourself and other questions such as the following: Is this an emotional or logical decision? Are my emotions causing me to be too cautious and miss out on a good opportunity? Are my emotions causing me to be too excited and overlook the risks of a given opportunity? Is decision paralysis making an unpleasant situation even worse? At a meta-level, understanding how emotions can impact financial choices is powerful. Next time you’re at a crossroads with a financial decision, ask yourself what role your emotions might be playing to help make the best choice possible. Max Alberhasky, Ph.D., - Website - References Haidt, J. (2001). The emotional dog and its rational tail: a social intuitionist approach to moral judgment. Psychological review, 108(4), 814. Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. macmillan. Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. HarperCollins Publishers.

Understanding and coping with toxic behavior. Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and frustrating and can negatively impact your health. Limit interactions with a narcissist whenever possible and prioritize self-care. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the narcissist's behavior or emotions. Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior Narcissists have an overwhelming need for admiration and validation, constantly seeking attention and recognition for their achievements, real or perceived. They often lack empathy, disregarding the feelings and needs of others in pursuit of their goals and desires. Additionally, narcissists tend to have a grandiose sense of self-importance, believing they are superior to others and deserving of special treatment. They demand “loyalty” from others but don’t give it in return. The narcissist’s version of loyalty means you give in to their demands, focus all your attention on them, and don’t set boundaries with them. Even if you give a narcissist your undivided attention, it still won’t be enough attention for them. For this reason, narcissists tend to engage in infidelity, sometimes with multiple partners. The Toll on Relationships Whether it's a personal or professional relationship, dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and frustrating. In personal relationships, narcissists tend to manipulate and exploit their partners, using them as a means to boost their ego and fulfill their endless ego needs. They may also gaslight, making their partners doubt their perceptions and reality. If you are told that you are crazy and shouldn’t trust your perceptions, it is more likely that you will become more dependent on the narcissist for their version of reality. In the workplace, narcissists can create a toxic environment filled with pathological competition, manipulation, and favoritism. They may take credit for others' work, undermine their colleagues, and develop a culture of fear and insecurity. This behavior affects the morale and productivity of the team and can lead to high turnover and employee burnout. Impact on Your Emotional and Mental Health The narcissist’s constant need for validation and admiration can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. You may experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression as you struggle to meet the unrealistic expectations of a narcissist. The lack of empathy and emotional support from a narcissist can make you feel isolated and emotionally drained. You may notice an increase in health issues, such as migraines, insomnia, and irritable bowel syndrome, as a result of increased stress. Having a narcissist in your life can lead to a cycle of emotional abuse, where you are manipulated, gaslit, and made to feel responsible for the narcissist's emotions and actions. You can experience low self-esteem, self-doubt, and difficulty trusting others in future relationships. Coping Strategies While dealing with narcissists can be challenging, some strategies can help decrease the impact of narcissism on your daily life: Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate your needs assertively. Be aware that narcissists will usually respond to boundaries with anger or stonewalling (ignoring you). Limit interactions with the narcissist when possible and prioritize self-care. Going no-contact is the most effective strategy for reducing the impact of narcissism on your life. If you can’t go for no-contact—for example, because you have children together—consider going for low-contact. When you go low-contact, if you do have to see the narcissist, it is for a brief period. Seek support: Contact trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support and validation. Talking to others can help validate your experiences and provide perspective. You may feel that no one will believe what you have been through with the narcissist, especially since some of the narcissist’s behavior is so outlandish. Thinking that you won’t be believed is common when you are the victim of a narcissist. The narcissist may have even told you no one will believe you. Many others have experienced what you have and can help you process the trauma you have experienced. Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the narcissist's behavior or emotions. The narcissist may have told you everything was your fault. This claim is false and was used by the narcissist to isolate you and guilt and shame you. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself as if you were your own best friend. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Determining what brings you joy and fulfillment is up to you and only you. Focus on empowerment: Shift your focus from trying to change the narcissist to empowering yourself. You can’t change a narcissist. First, people have to want to get help to change, whether they are narcissists or not. Keep your focus on you and your well-being. Set goals, pursue your interests, and build a support network of positive relationships. Try to keep as much distance from you and the narcissist as possible. Consider professional help: If the impact of dealing with a narcissist becomes overwhelming, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide guidance and support in navigating complicated relationships and developing coping strategies. Understanding the impact of narcissists on daily life is crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well-being. By recognizing narcissistic behavior, setting boundaries, seeking support, limiting contact with toxic people, and prioritizing self-care, you can decrease the adverse effects of toxic people around you and regain a sense of empowerment in your relationships and daily interactions. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., N.C.C., D.C.M.H.S., L.M.H.C., - Website -

Sex can be much better when it is talked about, explained, and demonstrated. Does that mean talking about sex? It could. "I don't like to kiss in the morning until after I have brushed my teeth. How about I get back into bed after I do?" Or “I’m uncomfortable having sex when I am on my period. Let’s just cuddle tonight instead.” Many people expect their partner to “just know” why they act as they do. Verbally explaining why, you act as you do go a long way toward mutual comfort and understanding. Particularly when it explains one partner’s behavior to the other, problem-solving goes a long way toward better sex, Another main channel of communication about sex is letting your partner know what and exactly how you like sex. That could be verbal conversation, such as “I love it when you play with my nipples, but I would like you to be gentler with them. They’re sensitive.” Or it could be direct but nonverbal communication, by taking your partner’s hand and moving it where and how you prefer and in what manner. A partner may be enormously relieved if you have the courage to communicate. “Oh, now I see that it’s not that you didn’t like kissing. It’s only about teeth brushing!” Or “You’re not rejecting me and sex entirely. It’s that time of the month.” If a couple is dating and she keeps refusing his advances, she may have to tell him her reasons straight out. “I have to tell you that my religion forbids sex before marriage. It’s not that I don’t like you.” Or “I never have sex before the fourth date.” Or whatever the truth is, even if it’s, “I’m just not sure yet. Please don’t rush me.” A lack of good communication can lead to festering misunderstanding with your partner. “Why are you pouting? It’s not that I don’t like to do that. I don’t know how! Why don’t you show me how you like that. I would like it, too” Clear communication may not always improve sex, but it is certain to improve the relationship through clarification. If you watch TV sitcoms, you will see that not a single plot would work if one character simply told the other(s) what was going on, how they felt, or what they wanted. In general, the more you communicate about your sexual preferences, the better your sex will be. Isadora Alman, M.F.T., - Website - Book -

Are there big periods of time you can't remember? Many survivors of family trauma and violence find that they struggle to acknowledge their history. Acknowledging that history is the first step in moving forward and healing, if you choose to do so. While not exhaustive, these questions can help provide some guidance and support through acknowledgment. It can be difficult to admit to a history of childhood trauma, especially when it comes from your family of origin. In fact, it can be so difficult that many people find it easier to stay in denial. They adopt a common mentality of “So what? Everyone has trauma” which keeps them stuck somewhere between acknowledgment and denial. In my professional as well as personal experience, I find that most people know whether or not they have a traumatic history, but admitting it brings guilt, remorse, grief, and a range of negative feelings along with it. Many people start to experience negative symptoms or emotions and feel the need to work through their traumas and heal. Others only feel the need to go back and work through their childhood trauma when their own children provoke insecurities or hidden trigger wounds. These are some of the statements I sometimes ask clients to consider during their intake to assess for a traumatic history. The list is not exhaustive, nor exclusive for assessing childhood family trauma, but the way clients respond can let me know if these are areas we might want to explore. If you are wondering if your past is possibly impacting your present life, reading through and completing the following statements with your responses can help. They may not be able to tell you about your history, or what to expect from the healing process, but they can give you an idea of whether or not you are in the right place to begin yours. This is by no means an exhaustive list, as there are many different ways that childhood trauma can take place in one's family of origin. Rather, these questions can be used as a guide to shape your journey of awareness and healing. Ask yourself: When I think of my childhood, I feel sadness or loss: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have difficulty getting along with one or more of my adult caregivers: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I worry that people will leave or abandon me: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I struggle with relationships (platonic or romantic) or feel like I can’t seem to have a healthy relationship: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I worry that I am not worthy of love: Never Sometimes Often Frequently When I think about my childhood, there are big periods of time that I do not remember: Never Sometimes Often Frequently It is difficult for me to spend time with my parents or family for more than a short period. I need limited or controlled environments: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I feel “different” or disconnected from others, or that others do not understand me: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have a history of unhealthy relationships with food, alcohol, or other substances: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I find it difficult to trust or rely on others because I feel like people will end up hurting me in the end: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have been told that I “overreact” or respond with a much higher reaction than situations warrant: Never Sometimes Often Frequently I have been physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally mistreated by someone who was supposed to care for me: Never Sometimes Often Frequently. Often, clients come to see me for other reasons, not yet recognizing their traumatic childhood experiences and how these experiences may have led to where they are presently. While some responses that might indicate that potential childhood trauma could be caused by or related to other conditions, like people who are neurodivergent or present with intellectual disabilities, if clients relate to more than a few of them, I know to further explore that direction. Use these questions to guide your own self-exploration. If any statement made you feel uneasy or triggered something in you, this is a clue that it is a sensitive area. It is important to understand that trauma will manifest itself differently in each us, as trauma is not always about the events that took place, but also about the support and resources you had (if any) to help you get through the events that took place. Therefore, it is possible for someone who scores higher on the above test, yet who had good support, to feel that their life is less impacted by their history than, for example, someone who scored lower but perhaps did not have any support to make it through what happened. There is no requirement for how one should feel; it's okay if you do not feel affected by your history. Moreover, if you feel greatly affected by your history, but "only" answered affirmatively to a small number of questions, this is also okay. Manifestations of trauma, like the experiences that led to them, is personal. No two experiences are exactly the same. When we start the process of healing, we naturally want to fast-forward through the difficult parts and get to the healing. As difficult as it can be, try to heal safely—even if that means healing slowly. No matter where you are in your journey—only just uncovering or continuing the process of recovery—my hope is that you get support to help along the way. If you feel that you were affected by your history and want support in working through your experiences, please reach out to a therapist who can help. It is common for the act of revisiting childhood memories to be painful or difficult, and there is no shame in seeking therapy or additional support if it brings up difficult feelings. Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, - Website - Book -

5 ways to create heathy interdependence in your partnership. There was a time when "codependence" wasn't a word. But years ago, when spouses of alcoholics began meeting together for support and understanding, the term was created to explain the dynamic between an alcoholic and their partner, who was spending a lot of time making things work and "enabling" the alcoholic – while believing that they were doing the right thing by keeping the impact of the alcoholic's behavior a secret. For example, they'd lie about the real reason their partner was late to work, or they couldn't make it to a party. Melodie Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, explained that one common denominator in recognizing this "codependence" was having a relationship with someone troubled, needy, or dependent. But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that were consciously and unconsciously followed. As these spouses began to recognize that they were living out these same unspoken rules, lightbulbs went on. "Hey, wait a minute. What we all thought was our own private answer to the very painful problem of a partner's alcoholism actually enables the alcoholic to stay immersed in their illness." And Al-Anon was born. Codependence as Relationship Addiction Yet the meaning of the term "codependent" has broadened widely since its inception. Now, codependence has been described as "relationship addiction." This means losing yourself in the relationship, including such an intense fear of it ending that you'll sacrifice yourself to keep it intact. Instead of your partner enhancing the life you've created for yourself, you feel as if you couldn't live without them. Sure, we all get heady with first love, and you feel as if you can't breathe if you don't get to see them soon. I'm not talking about that stage of falling in love. Most people move out of that and into every day, pull-your-boots-on-and-live-life kind of love. Codependence keeps that normalcy from happening. Is there any kind of healthy "dependence?" So, is any kind of relationship dependence a bad thing? Certainly, you'll hear statements by relationship gurus such as, "No one can make you happy but yourself." Or, "I don't need anyone else to be complete." While there is some truth to these statements, they're not what makes relationships or intimacy work. That's the product of healthy interdependence. So, what is that? It's when you value and work hard at being in a relationship while not losing your identity as an individual. You can be a "we" while also being an "I." 5 Means to Create Healthy Interdependence Here are five ways to help make healthy interdependence happen in your relationship. You each claim or own your value – your individual competencies both in and out of the relationship. You know and can express what you bring to the relationship that's positive. You each have a voice, which you use to negotiate and compromise. You sometimes lead. You sometimes follow. But you take a stance. You each create boundaries that are reasonable and respected. Those boundaries aren't manipulative or controlling but healthy and create trust. You each take responsibility for your vulnerabilities and their impact on you and the relationship. "I'm sorry" is appreciated after you cause some kind of damage. But not if it's not followed up by attempts at change. Realizing that your mistakes, insecurity, or struggles influence your partner and your family — and then doing something about them — is key to growing healthy together. You each desire to grow into emotional vulnerability with one another. That can look like play. It can look like sexual exploration. It can look like tenderness. Can I Remain in Emotional Control and Enjoy Interdependence? Healthy interdependence would be almost impossible to build if you need to appear like you've got everything under control or if you identify with perfectly hidden depression because your camouflage won't allow you to reveal vulnerability. You may be hiding so well that no one can find you, not even a loving partner. And that's why a perfect-seeming life, haunted by unexpressed emotional pain , is so terribly lonely. The trust of healthy interdependence cannot occur. Unless you risk, and you can decide to do just that. You can risk allowing the camouflage to drop a little at a time. Margaret Rutherford, Ph.D. - website - books

A Personal Perspective: You may not realize what's holding you back. Internal and external forces can sabotage the best of intentions. These forces include primitive instincts, emotional baggage, family dynamics, popular culture, habits, inertia, and fear. Identifying, understanding, and mitigating these forces are essential to improving your life. Changing your life is difficult, very difficult, despite what all of those self-help gurus say. If it weren’t so hard, almost everyone would be the people they want to be and live the lives they want to live. Too often, people blame themselves for their inability to change their lives for the better, seeing weakness and personal shortcomings as the reasons for their inability to have lives filled with meaning, satisfaction, or joy. Adding insult to injury, people are often criticized by others for lacking willpower, determination, persistence, and perseverance. Yet, these judgments are often unfair because they don’t take into account other internal and external forces that act as anchors to positive life change. The reality is that it is far more difficult to change than people think. In fact, so many forces conspire to keep us just the way we are, even if it is not the way we want it to be. First, our evolutionary instincts are focused on survival, maintaining homeostasis, and staying comfortable. These primitive drives worked very well on the Serengeti 250,000 years ago but don’t work so well in our efforts at evolving as people in 2023, so we can do more than just survive every day. Second, our emotional baggage (e.g., low self-esteem, perfectionism, fear of failure, need for control, need to please) helped protect us from pain as children but now keeps pulling us down the bad road of stagnancy and unhappiness. These deeply ingrained needs compel us to act in ways that served a purpose when we were younger but now prevent us from changing the course of our lives. Third, family dynamics can keep us stuck where we are. Most family dynamics (e.g., attitudes, beliefs, relationships, communication styles, hierarchies) get established early in our lives in ways that best meet the needs of those dominant in a family, and that enable a family to function. Family members expect those dynamics to remain intact. Pressure from parents, children, and siblings who are invested in who we are and don’t want us to grow out of fear that the existing family dynamic will be get disrupted or, even worse, they will lose us. Fourth, our popular culture exerts an outsized influence on us, most powerfully these days, through the many platforms found on the internet, most notably social media. Through persuasive technology, our popular culture does everything it can to control us, including our attitudes, beliefs, interests, attention, decisions, and behaviors. It wants us to conform to who it wants us to be rather than who we want to be, all in the name of accumulating more Benjamins (i.e., to make more money) with a reckless disregard for what is best for us. Fifth, we humans are creatures of habit (also for evolutionary reasons). There are three things we don’t like: unfamiliarity, unpredictability, and lack of control because on the Serengeti 250,000 years ago, if we experienced those three states, death was likely close behind. So, we establish habits, routines, and patterns that we rely on to feel safe and comfortable. By engaging in these habits over and over again, even if they aren’t healthy, they become so deeply ingrained in our psyches and neural structures that retraining our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors and rewiring our brains can seem like an insurmountable hurdle. Sixth, for similar evolutionary reasons, we humans are also inert creatures. Think of us as asteroids hurtling through space. Unless a powerful force is exerted on the asteroid that is in our lives, we will continue on that same trajectory forever. Because of the size of our asteroid, the speed it is traveling, and the momentum it’s carrying, it takes a huge and persistent force to move our lives from its current inertial path. Lastly, despite our desire and determination at a conscious level to change our lives for the better, fear can hold us back from putting that drive into action. Due to evolution, fear is our most elemental force because it catalyzes immediate and powerful physiological and psychological changes that increase our chances of survival. Again, fear worked well on the Serengeti 250,000 years ago but doesn’t work very well today. What we fear most when we consider making significant changes to our lives is the unknown. We might not be happy, but our lives are familiar, predictable, and, as a result, perversely comfortable, and, except in extreme cases, we have learned to manage the difficulties we face. Your life may not be great now, but if you make a big change, there’s no way to tell what might happen. Again, due to evolution, we tend to focus on the bad things that might happen, so we choose, usually against our best interests, to maintain the status quo in our lives, however unsatisfying it is. As the saying goes, “Better the devil you know than the devil, you don’t know.” I apologize if I’m painting a rather discouraging picture of what it takes to change our lives for the better. But all of our best intentions and efforts will go for naught if we don’t recognize and confront the formidable, persistent, and mostly unconscious forces that can prevent us from taking the first step, much less completing our journey of positive life change (think walking into a gale-force wind). As you contemplate the kind of person you want to be and the type of life you want to lead, it is essential that you identify, understand, and mitigate these forces in your life until you’ve broken free of their “gravitational pull” and can pursue your most dearly held hopes, dreams, and goals with confidence, courage, and vigor, and without doubt, worry, or fear. Jim Taylor, Ph.D. - website - books

In the digital world, a computer screen doesn't inhibit psychotherapy. A study found digital therapy to be as effective as in-person therapy. It can also cut costs and reduce waiting times. Many people value the convenience of online therapy. A massive study, involving more than 27,500 people here in the U.K., has found that talking to your therapist online is just as helpful as seeing someone face-to-face. Not only that, but it also cuts costs and reduces waiting lists. The study, which was mainly an economic evaluation of service provision, also looked at waiting times and the clinical effectiveness of therapy for patients presenting mainly with anxiety and depression . The data was taken from the NHS Talking Therapies (NHS TT) program, which was formerly known as Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT). 1 The study found that online therapy (either therapist-delivered or via modules) also brought down costs and decreased waiting times for patients. “The actual cost of mental health care doesn’t come from treating these conditions but from not treating them,” said study co-author Ana Catarino, director of clinical science at ieso Digital Health. Catarino and her team compared ieso’s internet-delivered CBT (which has a therapist working one-to-one with patients via text chat) with therapy offered by the NHS (which involved a variety of therapeutic modalities and delivery methods). The study found that online therapy was more cost-effective than other forms of care because the patients that were offered the therapist-delivered CBT programme got treatment faster. This meant that their quality of life improved faster too. “The longer patients wait, the more likely they are to see their problems become more severe and to have a poorer response as a result of that wait,” said Catarino. The study itself does not surprise me at all, as the results are the same for private therapists as it is for the NHS and other platforms. I’ve been offering online therapy as an option (both for rational emotive behavior therapy, or REBT, and hypnotherapy) since the early days of Skype. I went totally online during the pandemic and now, three years later, my practice is roughly 50% face-to-face and 50% online. I’ve even found that people who say they would prefer to see me face-to-face often very quickly revert to virtual, as they favor the convenience of it. But convenience isn’t the only factor in people’s decisions to see their therapist digitally. Ease of use with and confidence in video calling via smartphones and tablets has also influenced people’s decisions, as has saved money (i.e., no travel costs are involved). Also, many of my clients often find that it is easier to fit a video call into their work/life schedule than it is to make a trip to my actual clinic. Most other therapists I know offer both face-to-face and online therapy as a regular part of their practice and several are pointedly online only (as this also fits better with their own work/life balancing acts). Seeing a private therapist online means you get to see the person you are talking to (as opposed to text and chat box or module-delivered therapy) plus, as the client, you are not restricted by your area, your region, or even your country. This gives you even greater choice in finding the best-fit therapist (in terms of both rapport and modality) than ever before. With technologies such as Zoom and Skype, the world (and the therapists within it) is indeed the mollusc of your choice. I have seen (and continue to see) people not only nationwide, but also across Europe and, occasionally, (where time zones allow) in South Africa, North America, and Australia. “Virtual care won’t be right for every person,” said Catarino. But its effectiveness, accessibility, and convenience cannot be ignored. COVID revolutionized the way people accessed mental health support. I also see people online as part of my work for The Priory Hospital. It wasn’t an option before the pandemic, but now it’s a service the brand actively promotes. Not only is digital therapy the right choice for a growing number of people, but it is also here to stay. Daniel Fryer M.Sc., MBSCH - website - media References 1: https://www.nature.com/articles/s44220-023-00106-z

People can be sexually abused in childhood without realizing it. People often have misconceptions about what childhood sexual abuse (CSA) actually is. Subtle forms of CSA, such as nudity or disrobing, are often overlooked. It is important to connect CSA with problems like alcohol and drug abuse and self-destructive or self-sabotaging behavior. As a psychotherapist with nearly 40 years of experience, I am always saddened by how many people were sexually abused in childhood or adolescence without realizing it. Many people don’t label what happened to them as abuse. Others minimized what happened to them and told themselves it was no big deal. Still, others blame themselves or tell themselves they asked for it. The sad truth is that unless we acknowledge a problem, we can’t heal it. For example, many suffer from symptoms including alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders , self-destructive behavior, self-sabotaging behavior, sexual aversion, sexual dysfunction, and repeated sexual victimization without making the connection between what happened to them as children and the problems they currently suffer. For this reason, I believe it is important to be open to the possibility that the trauma of childhood sexual abuse may have caused your current issues. Even though child sexual abuse is being talked about today more than ever before, many people are still misinformed as to what child sexual abuse actually is. Many think of childhood sexual abuse as an adult having intercourse with a child. But childhood sexual abuse is not limited to intercourse. In fact, most sexual abuse of a child does not involve intercourse. Others don’t realize they were sexually abused because they were an adolescent who was older than 13 years old when the act or acts occurred. But sexual abuse includes an adult having sexual contact with an adolescent. Defining Child Sexual Abuse Let’s begin by defining child sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse includes any contact between an adult and a child or an older child and a younger child for the purposes of sexual stimulation of either the child or the adult or older child, and that results in sexual gratification for the older person. This can range from non-touching offenses, such as exhibitionism and child pornography, to fondling, penetration, incest, and child prostitution. A child does not have to be touched to be molested. Many people think of childhood sexual abuse as an adult molesting a child. But childhood sexual abuse also includes an older child molesting a younger child. By definition, an older child needs to be two years or older than the younger child, but even an age difference of one year can have tremendous power implications. For example, an older brother is almost always seen as an authority figure, especially if he is left “in charge” when their parents are away. The younger sibling tends to go along with what the older sibling wants to do out of fear or out of a need to please. There are also cases where the older sister is the aggressor, although this does not happen as often. In cases of sibling incest, the greater the age difference, the greater the betrayal of trust, and the more violent the incest tends to be. What constitutes child sexual abuse? Below is a comprehensive list of the various forms of childhood sexual abuse, taken from my most recent book, Freedom at Last: Healing the Shame of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Child sexual abuse can include any of the following: Genital exposure. Kissing. Fondling. Masturbation. Fellatio. Cunnilingus. Digital (finger) penetration of the anus or rectal opening. Penile penetration of the anus or rectal opening. Digital (finger) penetration of the vagina. “Dry intercourse.” (A slang term describing an interaction in which the adult rubs his penis against the child’s genital-rectal area or inner thighs or buttocks.) Penile penetration of the vagina. Pornography. Nude photography. More Subtle Forms of Childhood Sexual Abuse Even if someone wasn't sexually abused in any of the above-mentioned ways, there is still a possibility that they may have been a victim of child sexual abuse and may be suffering from damaging after-effects. Below is a description of the lesser-known, more hidden forms of sexual abuse. These forms of abuse can be just as shaming and damaging as the more obvious, overt forms. Subtle forms of sexual abuse can include any of the following. Keep in mind that it is the intention of the adult or older child while engaging in these activities that determine whether the act is sexually abusive. Nudity . The adult or older child parades around the house in front of the child. Disrobing. The adult or older child disrobes in front of the child, generally when the child and the older person are alone. Observation of the child . The adult or older child surreptitiously or overtly watches the child undress, bathe, excrete, or urinate. Inappropriate comments . The adult or older child makes inappropriate comments about the child’s body. This can include making comments about the child’s developing body (e.g., comments about the size of a boy’s penis or the size of a girl’s breasts). It can also include asking a teenager to share intimate details about her or his dating life. Even back rubs or tickling , in rare cases, can have a sexual aspect to them if the person doing it has a sexual agenda. Emotional incest . Emotionally incestuous parents turn to their child to satisfy needs that should be satisfied by other adults–namely: intimacy, companionship, romantic stimulation, advice, problem-solving, ego fulfillment, and/or emotional release. Parents who have been divorced or widowed sometimes attempt to replace the lost spouse with their own child. Emotional incest also occurs when a parent “romanticizes” the relationship between herself and her child, treats the child as if he or she were her intimate partner, or when a parent is seductive with a child. This can also include a parent “confiding” in a child about his or her adult sexual relationships and sharing intimate sexual details with a child or adolescent. Approach behavior . Any indirect or direct sexual suggestion an adult or older child makes toward a child. This can include sexual looks, innuendos, or suggestive gestures. Even if the older person never engaged in touching or took any overt sexual activity, the child picks up the sexual feelings that are projected. Hopefully, the above lists have helped further educate people on what constitutes sexual child abuse. Survivors may be surprised to discover that behaviors they thought were normal can actually be considered abusive and can cause considerable damage to a child’s psyche, in addition to causing great shame in a child. It can be painful and disorienting to come to the realization that you were, in fact, sexually abused, but please, believe me, it is better to know than to remain in the dark. When we are unaware of what has happened, we are extremely vulnerable to being manipulated or re-victimized and surprised and even damaged by our own behavior. When someone knows what happened to them, it may be easier to connect the dots between the abuse they experienced and their current problems. If someone learns that what happened to them is considered sexual abuse, they can reach out for help. Individual and/or group therapy can help heal the shame, pain, sense of betrayal, feelings of powerlessness, and feelings of anger felt due to the victimization. RAINN (the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) offers a free 24-hour crisis line (1-800-656-4673). Beverly Engel L.M.F.T. - website - books References: Engel, Beverly. (2022) Freedom at Last: Healing the Shame of Childhood Sexual Abuse. New York: NY: Prometheus Books.

“In time we hate that which we often fear.”—Antony and Cleopatra Some people have a phobia of Halloween or the ghouls and goblins associated with it. People with phobias, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse problems are most likely to suffer from abnormal fears. Phobias not only stimulate fear, but can also provoke hatred of the detested object. A phobia, as you may know, is defined as an abnormal or irrational fear. Phobias can emerge from negative personal experiences, or they can occur without any identifiable cause. But did you know that phobias can be induced by exposure to toxic groups or individuals? By the end of this post, it will be obvious to you how that can happen. What determines whether a fear qualifies as a phobia? The determining factors are the intensity of one’s reaction to the feared object and one’s capacity for coping with that fear. In short, does exposure to the feared object provoke a panic attack, psychotic break, or other debilitating response? For example, I’m afraid of spiders. If I see a spider, I kill it. That’s not a phobia. But did you hear about the man who burned his house down trying to kill a spider? That sounds like a phobia to me. Some people have a phobia of Halloween or the ghouls and goblins we associate with it. For them, October 31 is not pretend-scary but really terrifying. People with an extreme fear of Halloween “hate that which they often fear,” as Shakespeare observed. Phobias stimulate not just fear, but can also provoke hatred of the detested object, as shown below. Samhainophobia Fear of Halloween is Samhainophobia. Samhain was a Celtic festival celebrated at the end of October in the pre-Christian era. Celts believed the seasonal change that brings on longer nights and shorter days creates a pathway between the physical and spiritual worlds. Fairies and dead relatives might cross over into our world during Samhain. Celebrants dressed up as beasts or monsters to ward off spirits. Samhain eventually morphed into All Hallows Eve (Halloween) with the advent of Christianity and became further embellished with trick-or-treating, jack-o-lantern carving, and other familiar rituals. Wiccaphobia As you might deduce from the name, “wiccaphobia” refers to the fear of witches and witchcraft. If you have seen the movie Jesus Camp, which documents intense Christian fundamentalist indoctrination of young children, you may recall that the woman leading one of the sessions states that Harry Potter is a warlock and that warlocks are enemies of God. She goes on to tell her young audience that if Harry Potter had lived in Biblical times, he would have been put to death. While the Jesus Camp lady’s intended purpose was to discourage Christian youth from reading or watching Harry Potter, her toxic approach risks inducing chronic phobias of witches, warlocks, and witchcraft in her young audience. The above example shows how phobias can be induced by others. There is no shortage of preachers pushing the idea that witches and witchcraft are the handiwork of a very real and malevolent Satan. For example, see John Hagee: Schools Teach “Principles of Witchcraft” and "Pat Robertson claims feminism causes women to practice witchcraft." Exposure to such harangues, especially if one already believes in demonic powers, can induce a phobic response. Phasmophobia People who are profoundly afraid of ghosts suffer from phasmophobia. Most people with this phobia probably believe that ghosts exist, and such a belief would undoubtedly fuel their fear. Children are more prone to believe in and fear “actual” ghosts than adults. But it’s not necessary to be a child or to actually believe in ghosts to suffer from phasmophobia. Many people who would otherwise be immune to this fear might succumb to it if stranded near a graveyard after midnight. Demonophobia If some churches and ministers can foment fear of witches, imagine what they can do with demons, devils, and the Prince of Darkness himself. Ardent faith, Biblical literalism, and ministerial hysterics can combine to produce an extreme fear of the demonic in receptive believers. What effect do you suppose Hell House has on impressionable young minds? Of course, one could also acquire this phobia from a dogmatic friend or relative, or from books or movies that portray demonic activity. It’s also possible for this or any phobia to arise without any obvious cause. People with other phobias, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse problems are most likely to suffer from the above abnormal fears. And exposure to toxic influences can elicit or heighten phobias in vulnerable individuals. “To overcome fear is the beginning of wisdom.”—Bertrand Russell Dale Hartley MBA, Ph.D. - website

How to recognize an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Recognizing the signs of an anxious attachment style is important for greater relationship satisfaction. Anxiously attached partners may seem excessively clingy, desperate, or over-invested in a relationship. Partners of anxiously attached people may feel smothered, tested, or exhausted. An estimated one in five adults has an anxious–preoccupied attachment style. Persons with this attachment style seek to feel closely connected with and reliant upon their partners. While these are healthy values, anxiously attached persons can experience their longings as so compelling that it overwhelms logic or their ability to control their feelings. In addition, anxiously attached persons may sacrifice healthy self-reliance and self-love in their pursuit of closeness. This can complicate intimate relationships. Being in a relationship with an anxious–preoccupied partner may feel exciting and engaging but can also feel stifling or unstable. Such feelings tend to be felt most acutely by someone with an avoidant attachment style, which is on the opposite end of the spectrum from anxious attachment. Anxious-preoccupied attachment—termed “anxious” for short—can range from mild to severe. It can vary from relationship to relationship and change over time. The following are seven tendencies of anxious attachment in relationships: 1. Anxiously attached partners seek repeated reassurance. Anxiously attached partners may view their self-worth, safety, and identity as flowing from the relationship rather than from within themselves. They worry that they care about the relationship more than their partner does. As a result, they can become preoccupied—thus, the "anxious-preoccupied" descriptor—and seek repeated reassurances that their partner loves them and won’t leave them. In their search for reassurance, people with anxious attachment styles may: Bombard their partner with texts or voicemails if the partner doesn't respond quickly Become nervous or upset if a partner seems distant, critical, or unhappy Try to "read between the lines" of their partner's comments or actions Repeatedly solicit compliments and acknowledgments The effect of an anxiously attached partner’s need for reassurance is this: Their partner may feel overwhelmed by excessive or unreasonable demands. 2. Anxiously attached partners crave closeness but have difficulty trusting it. Whereas an avoidantly attached person thinks “I can only depend on myself,” anxiously attached people think “I am not OK by myself.” Anxiously attached partners struggle with feelings they are unable to regulate or soothe. But looking outside themselves to solve feelings within is not sustainable. Anxiously attached partners may: Worry that intimacy isn’t real or won’t last. Find it hard to relax even when things are going well in the relationship. Become more anxious when times are good, for fear that the good times will end. Be on the lookout for signs their partner is growing tired of them. The effect of an anxiously attached partner’s difficulty trusting is this: Their partner may try to help the anxiously attached partner trust more, but over time come to feel that their efforts will never be enough. 3. Anxiously attached partners can unwittingly sabotage a relationship. People with anxious attachment fear they won't be OK without their partner. As a result, they may unconsciously deal with fears of their partner pulling away by pre-emptively pushing the partner away by: Being jealous or possessive Testing their partner’s love or loyalty Complaining or nitpicking Engaging in stalking or harassment Becoming despondent or argumentative when their partner wants solo activities or alone time The effect of an anxiously attached partner’s possessiveness is this: Their partner feels mistrusted. 4. Anxiously attached people seek to be perfect for their partners. Many anxiously attached partners feel they will be loved only if they are on their best behavior. They may worry that if their partner sees their deepest and most vulnerable parts, the partner will be turned off and reject them. Or they may believe they will be loved for what they do for their partner, not for who they are. Anxiously attached partners often feel that they alone must keep the relationship from falling apart. They work overtime at catering to their partner, yet silently resent their partner's failure to do as much as they are. In focusing so intently on their partners, anxiously attached people neglect their own needs. They may: Engage in people-pleasing behavior Have loose boundaries Try to be indispensable to their partner Accept unhealthy treatment Hesitate to ask for what they need directly The effect of an anxiously attached partner’s need to appear as perfect is this: Their partner may assume that their partner is happy and fulfilled, then feel blindsided by complaints seemingly out of nowhere. 5. Anxiously attached partners live in emotional turmoil. Unlike avoidantly attached people, who tend not to feel their emotions as acutely, anxiously attached partners feel awash with feelings of loneliness, emptiness, or lack of safety. They tend to: Live in terror of abandonment or rejection Experience frequent or dramatic emotional ups and downs Create drama The effect of an anxiously attached partner’s emotionality is this: Their partner feels smothered or exhausted. 6. Anxiously attached partners feel one-down in a relationship. Persons with an anxious attachment style may worry that there is something defective about them that drives people away. They struggle with feeling unlovable, powerless, alone, and undesirable. They may project these feelings onto their partner, misconstruing innocent actions as signs their partner doesn't care for them or is planning to leave. The effect of an anxiously attached partner’s one-down stance is this: Their partner can come to feel responsible for, and burdened by, their partner’s unhappiness. 7. Anxiously attached partners overinvest in the relationship. Persons with an anxious attachment style may enter a relationship feeling that they have finally found their much-desired intimate connection. As a result, they may: Seek to quickly deepen a relationship Frequently ask their partner how the relationship is going Idealize their partner or relationship Fixate on the relationship so that it becomes their main focus of time and attention The effect of an anxiously attached partner’s overinvestment is this: Their partner feels saddled with responsibilities they didn’t choose and cannot fulfill. Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT - website References: Ainsworth, Mary D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum. Bowlby, John. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books. Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511 Levine, A. and Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. Tarcher/Penguin.