4 Ways We Make Ourselves Miserable at Work

How to avoid falling into common workplace misery traps.

Key points

• Although no one wants to be miserable at work, our behavior sometimes contributes to it.

• Four common experiences often result in negative feelings at work.

• Taking control of your emotional state at work starts with awareness of self-defeating behaviors.

No one wants to be miserable at work—and yet many of us do things that almost guarantee that we’ll feel that way. By identifying the 4 behaviors described here, you can avoid falling into the common traps.

1. Continue to Dwell on Upsetting Issues or Events

Things happen at work that are upsetting. Thinking about them for the purpose of problem-solving or processing emotions makes sense.

Beyond that, though, continuing to rehash negative topics, either mentally or verbally, only results in reigniting negative emotions. Although it’s easier said than done, practice letting go of negative experiences and issues after you’ve done what you could about them.

You may well be justified in your upset, or at least feel justified. And there is some self-satisfaction in feeling morally indignant. However, who does your dwelling on the past hurt? Does continuing to dwell on the experience or issue result in anything productive?

2. Focus on Being Treated Unfairly

Humans (and other primate species) are tuned to be very sensitive to experiencing unfair treatment. It’s likely that you will feel unfairly treated at work at some point, and it’s upsetting.

Unfortunately, there are some inherent biases that prompt us to feel unfairly treated when it may not be the case. For example, because we are aware of everything we do, and not aware of everything someone else does, it naturally feels as though we work harder than our colleagues (or at least some of them).

Our distortion in assessing workloads is exacerbated when we are stressed due to our workload. In those times, it is easy to notice coworkers who are not similarly under pressure at the moment, making it feel as though we are carrying an unfair burden of the total work to be done.

What can you do? First, recognize the bias described here and remind yourself that it may be at play when you are feeling unfairly treated.

Second, because it is very possible that workloads or policies are not being evenly applied, consider having a candid conversation with those who have the power to change it. In this case, it’s important not to come across as whining or complaining, but rather as someone who values their job and wants to do their best work. In that context, it appears to you that there may be some discrepancies in how members of the team are treated, and you want to ensure maximum productivity and positive morale. (I wrote previously about having difficult conversations both here and here.)

3. Do the Same Things in the Same Ways, Day after Day

Every job has routine aspects, but if our daily experience is monotonous, we lose interest and engagement, making work a dismal place to be. In a previous post, I wrote about the four universal human needs related to flourishing. These include engaging in meaningful activity, exerting control over our experience, and growing in our abilities. Following a mindless routine is a good way to ensure that these needs are being neglected.

You may not have much (or any) control over what your work consists of, but you can exert at least some control over how you work, and there are clear benefits for doing so. In a previous post, I wrote about “job crafting,” which entails

1. modifying your work to better fit with your strengths and interests

2. recognizing ways to introduce greater personal meaning

3. promoting experimentation and growth

4. Engage in Interpersonal Drama

If there is more than one person in a particular work setting, there is the possibility for emotional drama. As the number of coworkers increases, so does the likelihood of conflict and hurt feelings. It’s natural. How you respond to both your own experiences of conflict, as well as those of others, determines the amount of angst and disruption caused.

When you and a coworker share with each other experiences of emotional conflict with others, what is the purpose of those conversations? Sometimes this form of gossip serves to break up the monotony mentioned above, and gives people something juicy to talk about. Other times, it garners sympathy from the listener or serves to make the “villain” look bad. (In another post, I described the drama triangle and the ways that it is unproductive at best and destructive at worst.)

Conflict resolution requires problem-solving, and most of the time, engaging the other person involved in the conflict as a collaborator in that problem-solving. So, to avoid feeling miserable at work, it’s important to engage in conflict resolution, even for relatively small irritations or instances of hurt feelings.

When others try to pull you into their drama involving others, you have a choice as to whether to take sides and perpetuate the problem or offer to act as a coach to help your coworker problem-solve. The same is true when you talk with others about your workplace conflicts. What is it that you’re hoping to get from them, and why?

There are more than four ways to make yourself miserable at work, but those described here seem to be a set of common experiences. Fortunately, you have control over how much each of these experiences affects you, and the first step is recognizing when they occur.

Michael Wiederman, Ph.D - blog