5 Signs You're in a One-Sided Friendship (And How to Fix It)
- Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP
- 1 hour ago
- 5 min read
Not all friendships are fully mutual, and sometimes, that's not OK.
Key points
One-sided contact, exhaustion, or constant excuse-making can signal an imbalanced friendship.
Perceived partner responsiveness makes friendships mutually rewarding, boosting trust and well-being.
Reciprocity matters: One-sided sharing or dismissive responses erode friendship quality over time.
Pulling back briefly or naming the imbalance directly can clarify a friendship's true state.
Think back over the important friendships you’ve had, and lost, over the years. It’s probably easy to remember the ones that ended after a betrayal or a falling-out; similarly, you might recall the ones that just drifted away as your circumstances changed.
But what about friendships that just don’t feel the same anymore? Those that were once rewarding, but now feel like a drain on your energy, or a loss of the person you once liked?
In these relationships, there may have been no dramatic shift, but instead, just a gradual devolution of the time you spend together. Maybe you find yourself doing all the calling, all the scheduling, all the showing-up. Maybe your text threads are mostly made up of stuff you’ve sent to them, without many replies.
Psychological research has identified what you're feeling; some psychologists call it an asymmetrical relationship, while others talk about unequal emotional labor, or the over-functioning/under-functioning dynamic. The work you put into a friendship is called maintenance, and in these cases, there’s a serious imbalance.
As you’d imagine, friendships thrive when both parties feel understood and validated, as though their friend is trying to keep them happy and well—a phenomenon known as perceived partner responsiveness (Reis et al., 2004)—which functions the same way with romantic partners, family relationships, and other social bonds. A subsequent study by Reis (2012) linked partner responsiveness to greater relationship satisfaction, greater levels of trust, better ability to recover from conflicts, higher psychological well-being, and even better physical health in both parties.
Friendship, the research says, is good for you—especially when both friends put in enough effort. Naturally, not all healthy friendships must show a perfect 50/50 division of investment; Research by Blieszner and Adams (1992) suggests that friendships can move through phases—that closeness fluctuates over time. This means periods of imbalance can be normal, in any relationship. But if you’re starting to wonder if your friend isn’t offering you enough to sustain the relationship between you, here are five signs to look for.
1. I always text them. They never reach out to me.
Social exchange theory (Emerson, 1976) holds that people implicitly evaluate the perceived costs and rewards of relationships, and that sustained imbalance erodes satisfaction over time. In other words, frequent, one-directional contact is one of the clearest behavioral markers of asymmetrical levels of investment.
Rawlins (1992), in a book about friendships, argued that because they’re voluntary, mutual maintenance is the only reason they survive over time. So, although true friends aren’t “keeping score,” usually both are investing enough in the friendship for each one to feel appreciated.
2. I feel worn out after we spend time together.
Support from real friends is a remarkable, energy-generating, mutually beneficial connection that can leave everyone feeling appreciated and restored. When this isn’t the case, it can have profound effects: a much-cited study by Walen and Lachman (2000) found that when a friend makes too many demands, becomes frequently critical, or can’t be relied upon, the resulting “social strain” is often associated with health problems and a diminished sense of well-being. Friendships that drain you, it seems, might even be bad for your physical health—and this could even be true about friendships with people you really like.
3. They always talk about themselves.
Another source of social strain is the lack of reciprocity in relationships where one person does all the sharing and the other is forced to do all the listening. As I covered last year in an article about friendship and well-being in young adults, researchers Patrascu and Vaida found that friendships without reciprocity were associated with higher levels of stress and reduced psychological health. Sharing good news and celebrating it together, known as capitalization, consistently predicts higher relationship quality and positive feelings.
The opposite is, unfortunately, also true: According to Gable et al. (2004): getting passive or dismissive responses to the good news you share can eliminate these benefits and even damage your relationship.
4. I’m always making excuses for their behavior.
Maybe it’s “They had a hard week,” or “My text probably got buried,” or even “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” Some of the time, you’re probably right; it’s often a good idea to give your friends the benefit of the doubt. But if this has become a long-term pattern—a cycle in which your friend’s misbehavior is followed by your rationalization—it could be a sign of something important.
Over time, as you explain away this pattern of slights and minor offenses, your own explanations will probably feel less convincing. Ultimately, this can start to look like a representation of your friend’s character, not just their behavior—and at this point, the friendship will weaken. Blieszner and Adams (1992) point to this as one of the primary drivers of friendship deterioration over time.
5. If I didn’t keep up this friendship, it would disappear.
In some ways, this isn’t friendship maintenance anymore; it’s people-pleasing. To quantify this phenomenon, Jack and Dill (1992) created the Silencing The Self Scale, which measured the likelihood that a person will suppress her own needs in order to maintain intimacy. Although the scale was developed and tested only on female subjects, the concepts supporting it have a lot to say about relationships in general: trying to keep one going by ignoring one’s own feelings, they found, was strongly associated with higher scores on a depression inventory. When guilt and self-suppression keep a relationship in place, the friend who’s doing that internal, psychological work pays an emotional price.
What to Do About a One-Sided Friendship
Ask for practical advice about a relationship like this, and you may hear a false choice: love it or leave it. But there are other ways to adjust your expectations, or to communicate your feelings about the imbalance you’ve noticed.
First, consider pulling back for a while. If someone has left you with a mild but persistent feeling of neglect, taking a little break from that relationship can be telling. When you withdraw, you can watch what your friend does in response: If they’re just having a hard day, they’ll notice and respond to the distance by reaching out to you. Alternately, though, you may see that without your efforts, the relationship doesn’t function the same way.
You can also try to name the problem. Avoid blaming, shaming, or accusing your friend of abandoning you; speak about your own feelings and your own choices. “I feel like I’ve been taking most of the initiative, lately, when we talk. Have you noticed that?” Whatever they say or do in response—apologize, acknowledge the distance, or become defensive—will be useful information as you consider what to do next.
In truth, not every relationship can work the way you’d like it to. Friendships can be situation-related; they’ll often change over time. Some close friendships become more casual as the years go by. Quite often, this isn’t anyone’s fault, and maybe it isn’t even a loss—it can be a natural consequence of the decisions you make for other reasons. If you think this might be the case, think about the amount of investment you want to put into this relationship.
Friendships, as we all know, are different from family relationships because they’re chosen, and because they’re reciprocal (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023; Blieszner & Adams, 1992). It might be painful to acknowledge but noticing a mismatch between what you're giving and what you're receiving is the first step toward growth and change. When you notice this and take corrective action—even if that means allowing a once-strong friendship to subside—you’re taking better care of yourself and making room for relationships that can sustain you better.
