A Compelling Case for Choosing Forgiveness

Monica Vermani C. Psych.
1 day ago
4 min read

The science-backed benefits of forgiveness.

Key points

Forgiveness is both a choice and a process.
Forgiveness offers a path to improved health, happiness, and well-being.
Letting go of past hurt and harm frees us from pain and resentment.

A person gazes thoughtfully with a blurred reflection.

To err is human, to forgive divine. These words, penned by 18th-century poet Alexander Pope, remind us that while everyone makes mistakes, forgiveness stands tall as a powerful choice.

When it comes to causing and receiving hurt and harm, most of us have been on both sides of the fence. Intentionally or otherwise, we have been hurt and have hurt others. Moreover, most of us view forgiveness as a selfless act, something we extend to those who have wronged us. But the act of forgiveness is far more complex and nuanced, involving a process of acknowledging and letting go of anger and pain that sets in motion a host of benefits.

The research-based benefits of letting go

Holding on to past hurts, failures, disappointments, and painful experiences sustains anger and increases the risk of negative health outcomes, including heart disease. Choosing forgiveness can help improve blood pressure and cholesterol, reduce the risk of heart attack, diminish pain levels, and improve sleep. It is also associated with positive aging and the supportive role of close social relationships in promoting longevity.

A 2020 study, using longitudinal data from more than 100,000 participants in The Nurses' Health Study II, which began in 1989, examined the physical and mental health benefits of forgiveness in a cohort of nurses aged 43 to 64 years. The study concluded that “forgiveness is positively associated with multiple indicators of psychosocial and mental health.”

A recent Harvard study of the benefits of forgiveness found that it benefits mental health by reducing anxiety and depression. According to Tyler VanderWeele, study co-author and co-director of the Initiative on Health, Spirituality, and Religion at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, forgiveness can also “lead to restored relationships, bringing happiness, satisfaction, and social support.”

Stuck in our stories

As human beings, we learn from our experiences and often hold on tight to our painful lessons as a means of preventing us from repeating past mistakes, missteps, and painful experiences. In short, this leaves us ruminating on past experiences, holding on to painful grudges, and forecasting imagined worst-case scenarios to come.

Life is a series of experiences, which we label as positive or negative. From both our negative and positive experiences, we learn and grow. It is important that we learn to process our pain and let go of the stories that keep us stuck in fear, low self-esteem, and low courage.

The power of letting go

We can, instead of remaining stuck in our negative stories, choose to let go. Through the process of forgiveness, we can acknowledge the lessons learned from our painful experiences and, with these lessons, build strength, resilience, and compassion for ourselves and others.

Today, the mental and physical health benefits of forgiveness are increasingly clear and compelling. Forgiveness is a vital process that frees us from pain and resentment and opens the way to healing and personal growth. We’re here to live our lives authentically and fully. Forgiveness offers a path to health, happiness, and well-being.

7 steps to forgiveness

At times, we struggle with forgiveness, knowing how to let go, and where to start. It is important to understand that forgiveness is more than a choice; it’s also a process. Here are seven steps to guide you along the process—or path—to forgiveness:

Identify a painful event or situation that continues to cause you hurt and harm.
Examine the story of this painful event or situation in full. Bear in mind that the story involving someone who has caused you harm rarely begins on a negative front. Remember your shared story in full, including both positive and negative impacts and outcomes.
Acknowledge both the positive and negative aspects of the other person or people in this story. Take stock of the negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs you hold onto as a result of remaining stuck in a state of resentment, disappointment, and anger
Consider your role in this story with self-compassion. Did a lack of healthy personal boundaries or failure to stand up for yourself contribute to the negative outcome? Reflect on the role you played in this painful story.
Decide to move forward in forgiveness. Remember that forgiving does not mean forgetting or letting go of the lessons you’ve learned. Neither does it mean condoning abusive, thoughtless, or unkind treatment, or reconnecting with the person or people who have done you wrong.
Write your story down. Imagine writing a letter to the person or people you wish to forgive. Describe your experience in full. Write about the lingering hurt and harm, what this experience has taught you, and how you have grown. End with a concluding statement that forgives both the other person and yourself. (Once you’ve completed your written account or "letter," you can decide what to do with it. You need not share it, keep it around, or send it to the person who harmed you!)
Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are feeling overwhelmed and struggling to forgive past hurts. A therapist can help process pain, develop self-compassion, and resilience.