ADHD and Self-Sabotage
- Sharon Saline Psy.D.
- 2d
- 5 min read
There are proven strategies for people with ADHD to build confidence and meet goals.
The relationship between ADHD and self-sabotage is complicated due to executive functioning challenges.
Whether self-sabotage is conscious or unconscious, negative self-talk keeps you from reaching your goals.
Signs of self-sabotage include procrastination, avoidance, perfectionism, and pleasing others at your expense.
Living with ADHD often feels like trying to chase your dreams while dragging a parachute behind you. You know what you want to accomplish—yet self-sabotage, low confidence, and a cycle of unfinished plans keep getting in the way. But you're not alone and, more importantly, you're not broken.
Self-Sabotage and ADHD
Self-sabotage is linked to issues often related to living with A\DHD and executive functioning challenges: low self-esteem, feeling deficient, discomfort with change, and a need for control. Self-sabotage is also called “self-handicapping” in the psychological literature. Research on people who engage in “self-handicapping” has found that they sometimes engage in behaviors that hurt their own chances of success in order to avoid being accountable for what they think could be subsequent failures. Self-sabotage reflects an imbalance in how people perceive threats and understand rewards. It’s an unhealthy way to protect yourself from future possible stresses and disappointments by stopping what you want to achieve before someone else does.
People with ADHD who naturally struggle with self-regulation, consistency, follow-through, and metacognition are especially vulnerable to self-sabotage. For example, let’s say that you have an important meeting at work this week about a project that’s taken three weeks to formulate. You know that you should stay in and go to bed early the night before. But a college friend arrives in town and persuades you to hit a few bars, which sounds fun. You stumble home at 1 a.m. and arrive late for work, almost missing the meeting. Your presentation goes poorly, and your colleagues don’t want to use your model. You blame the alcohol and your friend for your disappointing performance instead of your own poor judgment and impulse control. Chalk it up to ADHD impulsivity. Maybe. But, since it’s happened before, there’s something more.
Self-Sabotage, Negative Self-Talk, and Shame
Self-sabotage manifests as negative self-talk in two ways. Consciously, you may tell yourself that you cannot do something because it hasn’t worked out in the past and this time is no different. Perhaps you blame external circumstances on others but think privately, “You are stupid, incompetent and unlikeable.” Unconsciously, you avoid challenges to prevent disappointment or you repeat unhealthy decisions that ultimately lead to a fiasco. Again, you confirm to yourself and others that you are untrustworthy and undependable. You tell yourself that you “really are a loser.”
Whether your self-sabotage is conscious or unconscious, negative self-talk keeps you from setting and accomplishing your goals. Low self-esteem and beliefs about being deficient, or incapable contribute to these patterns. These deep-seated, limiting core beliefs fuel low self-worth. If left unchecked, this can lead to general anxiety, social anxiety and depression.
Feelings of shame and self-doubt often surface early on for those with ADHD. The shame about not being able to succeed at school or handle tasks as well as others may start in childhood and continue into adulthood. Children with ADHD feel “different” from their peers and worry about messing up and not measuring up. It’s natural to want to avoid this insecurity and self-doubt.
Signs of Self-Sabotage
There are a number of behaviors and thoughts that reflect self-sabotage. Do you engage in any of these? When and how?
Avoidance.
Procrastination.
Fixed mindset.
Exercising control over others.
Pleasing others at your own expense.
Engaging in risky behaviors.
Using “compare and despair” thinking.
Perfectionism.
Tools to Address Self-Sabotage
1. Establish healthier alternatives to limiting beliefs, negative self-talk, and safety-seeking behaviors. Shift your thinking away from perfection. Perfection doesn’t exist no matter and good enough is more realistic. Instead of worrying about pleasing others or obtaining their approval, pivot from these distractions and focus on being present. If you find yourself pulled into a cycle of negativity or harsh judgment, reverse course by slowing down and focusing on what is happening around you. Zoom out and use mindful awareness recall positive outcomes from the past. Consider how you can apply those successes to the present.
2. Identify phrases of self-sabotage and create rebuttals. Create your own list of encouraging phrases to use when you want to lower the volume on the negative self-talk. You are not your thoughts but you are the one who is aware of them. You can choose not to believe them or talk back to them with positive self-talk. This takes work and practice so expect yourself to stumble and have setbacks. Remember, you’ve done hard things before and you can again.
3. Set small behavioral goals that are low risk experiments to build confidence. Engaging in “compare and despair” and looking sideways at what others are doing will interfere with building the confidence and courage needed to reduce self-sabotaging patterns. Instead, look at where you’ve come from and where you want to go. Then set small, doable tasks test/defy those negative core beliefs. For example, if you are anxious about attending a social gathering, decide that you will try smiling at new people. When you’re comfortable with that step, then take it up a notch by saying "hello" to one or two people. Afterwards, assess how the situation went, accept any awkwardness that you felt. Write down some notes for yourself to use in the future.
4. Adjust expectations to include the natural stumbles of being human. Human beings falter, make mistakes, re-group, and move forward. This is the journey for everybody. Your ADHD brain may cause frustrating challenges but it also brings unique talents. Create realistic expectations based on your strengths and interests. Transform unpleasant tasks by breaking them down into doable parts and set incentives/rewards when they are finished. Separate your ADHD diagnosis from who you are as a person: you are so much more than that. When you regret something that you said or did, remind yourself that all people have their moments. You are still a worthy and capable person who has a lot to offer.
5. Use a growth mindset approach. A growth mindset posits that people are supposed to make errors and grow from them. Shift away from trying to prove your worth to others using false comparisons, expecting perfection or judging yourself as less than. Instead of seeing yourself in a negative light, practice compassion and kindness toward yourself. We are all works in progress, learning and developing at our own speeds. Believe in the power of "yet." You may not be able to do this yet, but you are learning.
6. Try a healing meditation to improve mindful self-compassion. Practicing patience and forgiveness towards yourself thwarts self-sabotage related to ADHD and nurtures self-acceptance to being uniquely wired. Sit in a quiet place and take three deep breaths. Then picture yourself at a beautiful spot outside on a lovely day. See the blue sky and hear the sounds around. Now, visualize the face of someone you really love. What encouraging words would this person say to you? How would these words comfort and encourage you? What would you like to say to them? Take a few more deep breaths and come back to the room. Write or dictate a few words about this experience to use in the future when you feel low.
Living with ADHD means experiencing moments when you’re aware that you are struggling but you don’t necessarily know why or how to fix it. Self-sabotage is not a character flaw; it's a pattern that you can change over time with these effective strategies. Start where you are and remember, you’ve got this.
References
Chan, David, "Why people self-sabotage, and how to stop it" (2019). Research Collection School of Social Sciences. Paper 3079.
Fimiani, R., Mannocchi, C., Gorman, B.S. et al. Guilt over success, impostor phenomenon, and self-sabotaging behaviors. Curr Psychol 43, 19081–19090 (2024).
Özçetin, Y. Ü., & Hiçdurmaz, D. (2016). Self-handicapping and its impact on Mental Health. Psikiyatride Güncel Yaklaşımlar, 8(2), 145-154.
