Are You Raising a Boy Who Doesn’t Like Sports?
Supporting non-sporty boys in a culture that glorifies athleticism.
Key points
Boys who don't like sports are often marginalized and/or teased by their peer group.
There are specific behaviors in school that suggest a boy is having trouble socially because he avoids sports.
Non-athletic boys need adults to recognize and validate their non-physical traits and talents.
It is important that parents talk about their son's relationship to sports rather than avoid it.
Raising non-sporty boys in a culture that prizes athletic talent in males and rewards competitiveness and power playing is no easy feat. After all, it isn’t long before a young boy recognizes that what really matters at the bus stop and on the playground is how far you can throw, how fast you can run, and how often you win.
Big, strong, athletically gifted boys have always dominated childhood’s social landscape. Their physical presence alone trumps the clout of smaller, quieter boys, but it’s their love of sports and fierce desire to win anything and everything that really jettisons these boys to the top—especially in America, home of the Marlboro Man and eight-figure pro athlete salaries, and where it is assumed that being faster, stronger, louder, or mightier is always going to be better.
All this, however, has created a veritable caste system, leaving many nonathletic boys feeling undervalued and marginalized. While there may not be much we can do about the playground politics surrounding athleticism, there’s a lot we can do in our schools and homes to bolster the self-esteem and confidence of boys whose non-physical talents often go unrecognized and underappreciated.
Helping Your Non-Sporty Son Navigate the Social Challenges of Childhood
One of the most important issues at hand is recognizing when your child might be experiencing problems in his school or among his peers that is related to his not enjoying or participating in sports.
Signs of Nonathletic Boys in Trouble
They may complain of bellyaches, headaches, or general “I don’t feel well” on gym days.
You might find them hanging along the sidelines of physical activities, or looking uncomfortable in unstructured social situations, such as waiting for assembly, standing outside during a fire drill, or walking from the classroom to the school library.
These are boys who will often find ways to stay close to adults during play times or other free, unstructured times; it feels safer, with less risk of being judged.
They may go to the bathroom frequently before gym class or recess.
Ideas to Implement at School:
Parents can encourage their child’s school to provide game activities for kids who don’t like high-exertion activities but who also don’t want to get stuck with only the swings as an alternative. Games like knock hockey, air hockey, and foosball, and an oversized Jenga set offer great alternatives and safe havens for boys who are looking for non-contact, interactive activities or who simply need to be doing something. An industrious parent-teacher association can find secondhand tables through its own parent network, Craigslist, or yard sales.
In place of traditional gym activities that favor the naturally athletic boys, schools could adopt short-session modules in which parent or teacher volunteers run programs on introductory fencing, raft making, or boomerang throwing—novel activities that draw on a variety of skill sets. Many schools now include fitness and working out as an alternative to traditional sports, and that’s been a game-changer for many non-sporty boys.
Schools can also be encouraged to identify boys a grade or two older who could be responsible for making sure everyone has something to do during recess and other unstructured times (lunch, waiting to be dismissed to the buses). These boys would be the same kids who had been invited to be hallway guards, guides for new students, and the like. With kids so very anxious these days about being left by themselves and thus identified as “losers,” knowing that there’s a safe, older student to even stand around with if necessary provides some measure of relief.
Ideas to Implement at Home:
Direct your child toward physical activities, games, and sports that will capitalize on his natural strengths. Some boys gravitate toward sports where they have more control over the game itself, such as archery or table tennis, or opt for more solitary activities such as hiking or biking. Some boys just don’t like competing at all or like it only in nonphysical, nonsporting arenas, such as chess or music. Or, maybe they love competing and are really good at their game, but lean toward sports and activities more commonly selected by girls, such as horseback riding or dance or gymnastics.
Process sports experiences together with your nonathletic son. If he doesn’t naturally gravitate toward sports and you’re encouraging him to get more involved in them, try to keep an open dialogue going on between the two of you about his experiences, and yours. This is especially important if there is any question about your son’s enjoyment of or comfort with sports, or any question about to whom it matters more that he plays—you or him.
Give him opportunities to say:
“I really don’t want to play this but I feel like if I don’t you’ll be mad at me . . .”
Give yourself opportunities to say:
“I’ve worried about that, and don’t want you to feel as if you have to do a certain activity in order to win my approval. I just want you to feel that you can join a game of basketball or baseball so that you don’t always wind up on the outside looking in…. But if that sounds like the last thing you’d ever want to do, say so, and we’ll move on to finding activities that you genuinely want to do, and that will be the end of that…”
Help your son learn to value his intellect and education. If you discover that being smart or educated is not valued by your child’s peer group at school, then make a point to value it more visibly at home. Keep the matter light, so your kids don’t brace against conversations you might try to start about the books or movies you love, or about interesting current events. Talk about men who are recognized and respected for their diplomacy, intellect, or capacity to appreciate multiple perspectives. Talk about men you know in your family or circle of friends who are impassioned about music, theater, or other art forms.
In our sports-crazed culture, a boy who isn’t into sports or is not very good at them needs most of all to know that there are at least some people in his life who value the non-physical traits and developed skills and natural talents that he brings to the table. He’ll also do well to have someone who helps him remain patient through the elementary school years during which non-physical traits earn little social capital, even if appreciated by friends, teachers, and the like. As they grow into men, such boys offer a beautiful counterpoise to our nation’s cacophonous society where, in order to get anyone’s attention, you have to be bigger and brasher than the others — a beautiful expansion of modern masculinity.
Janet Sasson Edgette, Psy.D., M.P.H. - Blog
