Criticism as Emotional Abuse
- Leah Aguirre, LCSW,
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Persistent criticism, even "for your own good," is a tool of control, not care.
Subtle emotional abuse often involves persistent, demeaning criticism.
Criticism becomes abusive when it’s used to control, demean, or undermine.
Persistent criticism targets insecurities and distorts reality.
Does this sound familiar?
“You’re such a slob.”
“You shouldn't be eating that."
“Are you dumb?”
“Can you stop laughing so loud—it's embarrassing.”
"Why would you ever wear something like that?"
Abuse Can Be Subtle
Most people think of “abuse” in terms of the extremes, like name-calling, or physical violence, or aggression. But abuse occurs on a continuum and can be more subtle and nuanced—especially emotional abuse. Such abuse is typically systematic and involves a pattern of behavior in which the abuser uses coercion and manipulation tactics to assert power and control over the person.
You’ve heard the phrase “death by a thousand cuts”? That’s often the method of an abuser—persistent mistreatment that doesn’t seem “that bad” at first, but over time, slowly erodes a person’s autonomy and sense of self-worth. Criticism is one of the most common strategies abusers will use to assume power in their relationship.
Why Is It Hard to Detect?
While honesty and feedback can be healthy in a safe and mutually respectful relationship, criticism crosses the line into subtle abuse when it becomes persistent, targeted, and demeaning. Unfortunately, many people struggle to distinguish between the two, making it harder to recognize the behavior as abusive.
Here are some reasons why:
The abuser rationalizes the criticism.
They say things like, “I’m just trying to help you,” “This will make you better,” or “I’m only saying this because I love you.” This makes the criticism easier to digest and tolerate because you begin to view the abuser as “caring” or concerned about your well-being.
The abuser positions themselves as an authority.
Over time, they coerce you into believing they are smarter, more insightful, or just “know better.” You begin to second-guess yourself and take their criticisms in stride, believing they must be right.
The abuser weaponizes your insecurities.
They target areas where you already feel vulnerable or anxious, knowing you’re less likely to push back. Because the criticism aligns with your internal doubts and negative self-talk, it may not even register as harmful.
The abuser has coerced you into believing you are too sensitive.
When you express that your feelings are hurt by critical comments or remarks, the abuser often deflects and invalidates your feelings and experiences, making it about you being "too sensitive." This response shifts the focus away from their hurtful behavior and leads you to question your own emotional responses and reality.
The abuser sandwiches their criticisms.
The abuser will often sandwich their criticisms between compliments and expressions of affection, such as "I love you." When this occurs, it creates confusion and often makes the hurtful remarks less obvious or easier to rationalize.
Constant criticism was normalized in your family of origin.
If you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional, perfection was expected, or criticism was constant, you may unknowingly accept similar dynamics in adult relationships, seeing them as “normal."
Criticism Has No Limits
There are no limits to what the emotionally abusive partner will criticize because they feel entitled to criticize everything. Things they might criticize you for include:
Your preferences and the things you like and dislike
Your opinions and perspective
Your lifestyle (i.e., your level of physical activity, how and what you eat, what you wear, how you spend your free time...)
Your work and job performance
Your friends and family
Your beliefs and values
Your past relationships and dating experiences
Your very human qualities and errors (i.e., when you drop or spill something, when you mispronounce something, when you make a mistake)
Why It's Harmful
The thing about constant criticism is that it’s insidious. In the moment, it might not seem harmful, but over time, as it compounds, you begin to internalize the feedback, slowly believing the criticisms to be true. It fuels and perpetuates feelings of shame and causes you to doubt yourself—your judgment, your decision-making, your worth, and your intuition. This lack of self-trust makes you more vulnerable to further abuse. It’s a vicious cycle—and one that’s incredibly difficult to disentangle yourself from.
Confronting the Reality
It can be difficult to face the reality of being in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner. It often feels easier to just deny the experience and tell yourself, "It's not that bad." But the longer you deny your experience and invalidate your feelings, the more difficult it becomes to leave—and you deserve so much better.
