Has Gentle Parenting Gone Too Far?

Is there still a place for punishment in child rearing?

Key points

• Gentle Parenting is a philosophy that is very hard on parents.

• Children need limits and rules and parents who enforce them.

• In France, Gentle Parenting is very controversial.

Parenting is an exhausting adventure under any circumstances. Most parents have to work and keep up with childcare. But on top of this, there is also Gentle Parenting, and its close cousin, Positive Parenting*. Both of these child-rearing philosophies demand that a parent provide empathy at all times for a child's feelings, put those feelings into words, and negotiate with the child regarding whether or not the child will do something a parent asks. And, if you ask me, this is an unrealistic expectation that requires too much of parents.

Both Gentle Parenting and Positive Parenting are outgrowths of something that started in the 1950's when Benjamin Spock wrote his first book, The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care. Spock revolutionized parenting practices by urging mothers and fathers to trust their instincts and reject rigid, authoritarian rules.

Prior to Spock, parenting tended to be authoritarian and top-down, with parents establishing rules and children being expected to follow them. Harsh punishment for infractions was common. My own mother, for example, born in 1912, had to sit in front of her meal until she ate it all. This sometimes lasted hours, and she was not allowed to get up from the table until she had done what was required.

Since my mother's time, expectations of children have done a 180. Child-centered, or child-led parenting, has evolved, and here we are, immersed in Gentle Parenting. Children can do pretty much what they want, and parents are not to raise their voices or punish. They are left on their own to wonder how to get their children out the door in the morning or to get them to bed at night.

This subject was discussed in an article in The New York Times entitled, "Did American-Style 'Gentle Parenting' Spoil French Children?" The writer, Madeline Schwartz, reports on what she calls a vitriolic debate within French society about the extent to which children should be catered to and empathized with. She comments that each side of the debate has large groups of professionals behind it. And while this same debate exists in the United States, I would say that there are fewer professionals, and people in general, on the side of setting more limits for children.

In France, the center of the debate is psychologist Caroline Goldman, who advocates time-outs for children when they misbehave. She feels that the introduction of Gentle Parenting into French culture has yielded a new generation of parents who do not know how or when or why to set limits. In her book, Go To Your Room, she lists behaviors that should be forbidden. These include complaining and making too much noise. But her detractors say that time-out is a form of psychological violence and that Goldman is encouraging parents to mistreat their children.

So what is a parent to do — whether in France or in the US — when even experts disagree?

As a psychologist and psychoanalyst with over forty years of experience, you will not be surprised to hear me say that the truth lies somewhere in the middle of the debate.

Prior to about 2015, the French were known for having well-behaved children. Pamela Druckerman's book, Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, was a sensation, and many American parents envied the strict French parents she described who seemed to have the secret of how to bring up children while also having time to themselves. Since that time, French parents have begun to adopt Gentle Parenting, and they have also begun to experience the same problems American parents have.

So — how do we begin to sort out the issue of which kind of parenting is best for children and which works best for parents?

Let's take a broad look at history: For thousands of years, adherence to rules and strict behavioral codes was a matter of survival for children around the globe. After all, if a child felt like running into the meadow when the lioness was hunting, that was the end of the child. Certain rules have existed over time to maintain the safety and survival of children.

Now we have the luxury of allowing all sorts of behavior in our children. Parents also have the time to consider their children's feelings. So we now have a choice of whether to impose rules and whether to be strict about them.

So — is it best to give your child complete freedom of opinion and expression or is it better to impose some rules and limits and to enforce them, with a time-out or even a small punishment, if necessary?

Here is my advice:

1. Treat your child as a real, separate human being with their own thoughts and opinions. Respect their feelings.

   
   

2. This is possible to do while also setting limits on certain behaviors. Tell your child what you allow and what you do not.

   
   

3. Be consistent.

   
   

4. Don't be afraid to raise your voice if necessary to make your point.

   
   

5. Time-outs are fine starting at age three. If your child is upset, go in their room with them and help them to calm down. Don't leave the room until they are calm.

   
   

6. And if you get angry and yell because your child has done the same misbehavior five times in a row? Don't feel guilty. Children need to understand that what they do has consequences, and if they do the thing you have told them not to, you may get angry. This is the natural consequence of misbehavior.

   
   

And let me finally talk about one last thing: fear. This is an entirely unpopular subject. To my knowledge, it is not talked about at all. It is your job to prepare your child to live in the world. And in the world, there will be plenty of teachers, coaches, and later, bosses who will not appreciate certain behaviors. We all must live within the hierarchy of society, and the place your child learns about such hierarchies should start at home. You are the parent, and it is OK for your child to be just a little bit afraid of displeasing you and breaking your rules. This is the way children learn what to do and not to do.

*Positive parenting is an approach that focuses on building a strong, nurturing parent-child relationship rather than relying on punishment.

Corinne Masur, Psy.D.-Blog