Swipe, Spiral, Repeat: OCD and Dating

OCD's sneaky role in modern dating, from limerence to overanalyzing.

• Limerence can lead to obsessive thoughts, idealization, and missing red flags.

• OCD may cause overthinking about compatibility, leading to mental compulsions and disconnection.

• Fear of disclosing OCD can create anxiety around being misunderstood or judged while dating.

When people talk about OCD and dating, we often hear about Relationship OCD (ROCD), which involves intrusive thoughts and compulsions centered around the relationship itself. However, what frequently goes unspoken is how OCD can show up before you’re even in a committed relationship.

Dating in today’s technological world can feel overwhelming enough, but adding intrusive thoughts, difficulty with uncertainty, frequent feelings of doubt, and perfectionistic standards can make dating with OCD feel impossible. Let’s talk about a few ways OCD can impact dating before you even graduate from the “situationship” stage.

Limerence: The Obsessive High

Limerence, that intense, infatuated feeling early in dating, can be especially confusing for someone with OCD. This intense feeling can lead to obsessions and idealization. You may hyper fixate on the person and romanticize them, while ignoring red flags. Limerence can also lead to compulsive behaviors like constant texting, checking their social media or dating profile, or seeking reassurance from friends. However, like any emotional high, there is always a crash to follow. This may be intense feelings of disappointment if they are no longer interested, or your perception can shift to devaluation once they do something “wrong,” leading you to cut things off without thoughtful consideration.

Compatibility Over analysis

We know the OCD brain loves to overanalyze, so it makes sense that this would appear early in dating. If you're constantly scanning for flaws, comparing your connection to others, or ruminating on whether the person "checks all the boxes," you may be engaging in compulsive behavior. This mental checking loop can lead to feeling more disconnected from the person you’re dating, which will impact your ability to see if there is a genuine connection.

Fear of Disclosing OCD

A common theme among individuals with OCD is fear of being misunderstood or judged if they share their diagnosis and/or the content of their obsessions. I always validate this for my clients because it is true that OCD is hugely misunderstood, and there are harmful stereotypes associated with it. You might worry that you’ll seem like "too much," or fear the person will leave if they know this part of you. I always tell my clients it is their choice what, how, and when they share, and disclosure looks different for everyone.

Perfectionism in Dating

Many folks (not all) with OCD often also struggle with perfectionism, and this can show up in numerous ways in dating. Perfectionism leads us to have many “should” statements about others. For example, they “should have this kind of job” or “should look this way.” We are all allowed to have standards and preferences; however, with perfectionism, there tends to be less flexibility. This can lead to a smaller dating pool and a never-ending search for the “perfect” partner. On the other hand, there may also be a belief that you must show up as your perfect self on dates. This pressure can lead to self-judgment, shame, or even postponing or avoiding dating altogether.

Intimacy and Vulnerability Fears

Whether it's emotional or sexual intimacy, OCD can show up at inopportune times. When intrusive thoughts and obsessions are taboo in nature, this can also lead to feelings of anxiety and shame. Many individuals with OCD will avoid intimate moments due to the fear of intrusions popping up, which can get in the way of building an intimate connection with someone.

Uncertainty About the Future

"What if this doesn’t work out?" "What if I waste their time?" "What if I fall out of love?" These questions might start innocently, but they can quickly pull us into the OCD cycle. OCD lives in uncertainty, and dating inherently requires tolerating the unknown. For someone with OCD, this uncertainty can be difficult, triggering mental compulsions to predict, analyze, and prepare for every possible outcome.

So, What Do You Do?

Dating with OCD doesn’t mean you’re broken or unlovable—it just means you may need more self-awareness and compassion as you navigate it. It’s essential to speak to your mental health provider if you notice OCD getting in the way of dating. The goal isn’t to get rid of OCD so that you can date; it’s about understanding how your OCD can show up so you can respond skillfully, allowing you to develop that genuine and authentic connection you're looking for.

Melissa Jermann, Ph.D., - Website - Blog -