The Social Pressure to Stay in Abusive Relationships

How pressure from society can keep victims from leaving abusive relationships.

Key points

• Survivors often face pressure from family, culture, and faith communities to stay in abusive relationships.

• These messages can reinforce self-doubt and make it harder for survivors to leave.

• Leaving abuse often means grieving relationships, identity, community, and the future once imagined

We often ask survivors of domestic violence, "Why didn't you leave?" But we rarely ask a more important question: Who told them to stay?

Rosa finally tried to leave after enduring years of psychological and physical abuse. When her husband turned his anger toward their younger daughter, she knew she couldn't stay another day. She packed a bag and drove to her mother's home in a neighboring state. But instead of finding safety, she was met with disappointment. When she arrived, her mother was not welcoming. "You can't just leave, you're married. What will people think?" Rosa felt the air leave her lungs. "Marriage is hard," her mom said softly, offering her a glass of iced tea as if a consolation. "But you have to make it work."

Rosa drove back to her husband, with nowhere else to go.

Rosa's story is not unusual. Many of my patients have described reaching out to loved ones only to be encouraged—sometimes gently, sometimes firmly—to stay. Many have described family and friends who encouraged them to stay in their situations when they opened up about them: “It’ll get better; think of the children.” “Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.” Or “Maybe you should try counseling.”

These comments can unintentionally reinforce the self-doubt that abuse has already created. Survivors may begin questioning whether they are overreacting or expecting too much.

While survivors of all genders can experience these pressures, women are often socialized to shoulder greater responsibility for preserving relationships, making them especially vulnerable to relationship-based shame. From an early age, many women receive messages that their worth is measured by their ability to keep a relationship together. They are taught to compromise, forgive, nurture, and endure. When a relationship ends, the question often becomes, "What could she have done differently?" Rather than "What happened to her?"

Faith and culture alike have long taught women that their value lies in their ability to sustain a relationship. The responsibility for compromise is disproportionately placed on women, and if a relationship ends, the tendency is to wonder how the woman failed to meet expectations. Some of us grew up with parents and extended family who taught us to view separation as a badge of dishonor for a woman, just as they did. As adults, we can now make more educated decisions, but challenging those ingrained belief systems is work, and doing so comes with consequences. The cultural mentality of women in relationships leaves many victims with little to no support from family.

When people ask why survivors don't leave abusive relationships, they often focus on the abusive partner. But many survivors are also battling powerful messages from family, culture, religion, and society that tell them leaving is a failure. Many are navigating the anticipated grief of disappointing others and grieving a life they worked incredibly hard to build. Leaving often means grieving not only the relationship, but the future they imagined, the identity they built, the family they hoped to preserve, and sometimes their connection to the people and communities they love most.

Until we recognize those pressures, we will continue asking the wrong question.

Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-Blog