The subtle behaviors that reveal trust, vulnerability, and genuine connection. Key points Small, everyday interactions reveal whether someone truly feels safe enough to be themselves around you. Feeling emotionally safe allows people to disagree, ask for support, and recover from conflict. Secure bonds don't require constant entertainment, reassurance, or conversation. People don't wake up one morning and announce, "Congratulations, you've become my safe person." The signs that a secure attachment is beginning to form are often subtle and develop gradually over time. A secure connection doesn't require grand gestures. It's built through hundreds of ordinary interactions that send the message: You can be your true self with me. When people feel emotionally safe, they stop rehearsing every text message, apologizing for having feelings, pretending they're always fine, or worrying that one mistake will send you running. Here are eight signs someone truly feels emotionally safe with you. 1. They Let You See Their Less Polished Side At first, most people present the version of themselves they hope you'll like. Then, over time, they stop pretending they always wake up looking effortlessly attractive. They let you see them in mismatched pajamas, don't cancel on you just because they aren't feeling their best, and admit they're having a terrible week. They confess they accidentally replied all to an email at work, cry during Pixar movies, or tell you about the embarrassing thing they did that still randomly pops into their head before they fall asleep. They share their fears, insecurities, and mistakes without feeling the need to wrap everything in a joke or pretend everything is fine. 2. They Aren't Afraid to Disagree With You People who fear rejection often avoid conflict. They are more likely to agree when they don't mean it or suppress their frustrations. Someone who feels emotionally safe believes the relationship can survive disagreement. They trust that expressing a different opinion won't cost them your affection. Ironically, healthy conflict often signals greater security than constant compliance and agreement. Feeling safe doesn't mean always seeing eye to eye. It means trusting that one disagreement won't threaten the relationship. You stop worrying that every difficult conversation is going to end with someone walking away. 3. They Ask for Comfort Instead of Pretending They're Fine Many people learned early in life that emotional needs were burdensome and therefore have a hard time asking for help. As adults, asking for support can feel uncomfortable or even shameful. When someone begins saying, "I've had a rough day," "Can I talk to you?" or "I just need a hug," they're showing a level of vulnerability that doesn't often come easily. They're trusting that their emotional needs will be met with care rather than criticism, dismissal, or being told they're "too sensitive." 4. They Don't Feel the Need to Constantly Monitor Your Reactions In emotionally unsafe relationships, people often become hypervigilant, constantly assessing the other person's emotional cues. Couples analyze each other's tone, overthink text messages, replay conversations in their head, and wonder whether their partner suddenly became angry or lost interest because they replied with a period instead of an emoji. As emotional safety grows, that constant scanning begins to ease. They become less preoccupied with reading between the lines because your words and actions are consistent. 5. They Tell You Things They Don't Tell Most People Once people feel comfortable in relationships, they begin sharing childhood memories, painful experiences, family dynamics, regrets, dreams, and the stories they've sworn they'll "take to the grave." When people trust that they won't be judged, dismissed, or have their experiences used against them later, opening up becomes much easier, and vulnerability no longer feels dangerous. 6. They Recover More Quickly After Conflict Every relationship experiences misunderstandings and disagreements. In secure connection, conflict becomes easier to navigate. Instead of assuming the relationship is ending, people become more willing to reconnect, apologize, listen, and work through the issue together. Rather than viewing misunderstandings as permanent evidence that the relationship is doomed, they trust that most conflicts can be repaired. They no longer feel they have to earn your love by always saying the right thing or never disappointing you. 7. They Can Be Silent Together Silence can feel painfully awkward when people don't feel safe with one another. Secure bonds don't require constant entertainment, reassurance, or conversation. Reading together, driving in silence, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, or simply existing in the same room without feeling responsible for filling every quiet moment are all signs of comfort. No one feels obligated to ask, "So... what are you thinking about?" every 30 seconds. 8. They Start Becoming More Themselves Rather than shrinking themselves to fit what they think you want, they slowly expand into who they already are. They laugh more freely. They become more playful. They share more of their opinions, interests, quirks, and personality without wondering whether they're "too much." In many ways, emotional safety is the foundation of every healthy relationship. It allows people to lower their defenses, speak honestly, recover from conflict, and gradually become more of themselves. After all, there are few greater gifts than creating a relationship where someone feels safe enough to be exactly who they are. Duygu Balan, LPCC-Blog

Is there still a place for punishment in child rearing? Key points Gentle Parenting is a philosophy that is very hard on parents. Children need limits and rules and parents who enforce them. In France, Gentle Parenting is very controversial. Parenting is an exhausting adventure under any circumstances. Most parents have to work and keep up with childcare. But on top of this, there is also Gentle Parenting, and its close cousin, Positive Parenting*. Both of these child-rearing philosophies demand that a parent provide empathy at all times for a child's feelings, put those feelings into words, and negotiate with the child regarding whether or not the child will do something a parent asks. And, if you ask me, this is an unrealistic expectation that requires too much of parents. Both Gentle Parenting and Positive Parenting are outgrowths of something that started in the 1950's when Benjamin Spock wrote his first book, The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care. Spock revolutionized parenting practices by urging mothers and fathers to trust their instincts and reject rigid, authoritarian rules. Prior to Spock, parenting tended to be authoritarian and top-down, with parents establishing rules and children being expected to follow them. Harsh punishment for infractions was common. My own mother, for example, born in 1912, had to sit in front of her meal until she ate it all. This sometimes lasted hours, and she was not allowed to get up from the table until she had done what was required. Since my mother's time, expectations of children have done a 180. Child-centered, or child-led parenting, has evolved, and here we are, immersed in Gentle Parenting. Children can do pretty much what they want, and parents are not to raise their voices or punish. They are left on their own to wonder how to get their children out the door in the morning or to get them to bed at night. This subject was discussed in an article in The New York Times entitled, "Did American-Style 'Gentle Parenting' Spoil French Children?" The writer, Madeline Schwartz, reports on what she calls a vitriolic debate within French society about the extent to which children should be catered to and empathized with. She comments that each side of the debate has large groups of professionals behind it. And while this same debate exists in the United States, I would say that there are fewer professionals, and people in general, on the side of setting more limits for children. In France, the center of the debate is psychologist Caroline Goldman, who advocates time-outs for children when they misbehave. She feels that the introduction of Gentle Parenting into French culture has yielded a new generation of parents who do not know how or when or why to set limits. In her book, Go To Your Room, she lists behaviors that should be forbidden. These include complaining and making too much noise. But her detractors say that time-out is a form of psychological violence and that Goldman is encouraging parents to mistreat their children. So what is a parent to do — whether in France or in the US — when even experts disagree? As a psychologist and psychoanalyst with over forty years of experience, you will not be surprised to hear me say that the truth lies somewhere in the middle of the debate. Prior to about 2015, the French were known for having well-behaved children. Pamela Druckerman's book, Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, was a sensation, and many American parents envied the strict French parents she described who seemed to have the secret of how to bring up children while also having time to themselves. Since that time, French parents have begun to adopt Gentle Parenting, and they have also begun to experience the same problems American parents have. So — how do we begin to sort out the issue of which kind of parenting is best for children and which works best for parents? Let's take a broad look at history: For thousands of years, adherence to rules and strict behavioral codes was a matter of survival for children around the globe. After all, if a child felt like running into the meadow when the lioness was hunting, that was the end of the child. Certain rules have existed over time to maintain the safety and survival of children. Now we have the luxury of allowing all sorts of behavior in our children. Parents also have the time to consider their children's feelings. So we now have a choice of whether to impose rules and whether to be strict about them. So — is it best to give your child complete freedom of opinion and expression or is it better to impose some rules and limits and to enforce them, with a time-out or even a small punishment, if necessary? Here is my advice: Treat your child as a real, separate human being with their own thoughts and opinions. Respect their feelings. This is possible to do while also setting limits on certain behaviors. Tell your child what you allow and what you do not. Be consistent. Don't be afraid to raise your voice if necessary to make your point. Time-outs are fine starting at age three. If your child is upset, go in their room with them and help them to calm down. Don't leave the room until they are calm. And if you get angry and yell because your child has done the same misbehavior five times in a row? Don't feel guilty. Children need to understand that what they do has consequences, and if they do the thing you have told them not to, you may get angry. This is the natural consequence of misbehavior. And let me finally talk about one last thing: fear. This is an entirely unpopular subject. To my knowledge, it is not talked about at all. It is your job to prepare your child to live in the world. And in the world, there will be plenty of teachers, coaches, and later, bosses who will not appreciate certain behaviors. We all must live within the hierarchy of society, and the place your child learns about such hierarchies should start at home. You are the parent, and it is OK for your child to be just a little bit afraid of displeasing you and breaking your rules. This is the way children learn what to do and not to do. *Positive parenting is an approach that focuses on building a strong, nurturing parent-child relationship rather than relying on punishment. Corinne Masur, Psy.D.-Blog

The one thing many ADHD woman I've interviewed have in common may surprise you. Key points ADHD often means underperforming despite high intelligence, and that takes a toll on self-worth. Women with ADHD often feel like they haven't lived up to their potential. Late-diagnosed women often spend years haunted by "what could have been." If there's one trap in life that we can all fall into, it's the feeling that we are alone in our suffering. As the old saying goes, there are no unique human experiences, no matter how much your brain would like to trick you into feeling otherwise. Even after years of researching women with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and living the life of a neurodivergent woman myself, I still fall into that trap. So it's always comforting to be reminded that we're not alone. One of the most common experiences of people with ADHD is that they don't live up to their potential and tend to underperform in certain areas, despite often scoring above average in intelligence. Self-esteem comes from "proving" your capabilities to yourself by achieving your goals. When people with ADHD, for one reason or another, don't achieve what they're so capable of, the knock-on effect is a blow to self-esteem. Regret About What Could Have Been The end result is that the one key feature I find in many woman I interview with ADHD is a lack of self-esteem. This is particularly tragic, and it can impact every area of their lives: relationships, career, and even their own sense of peace. As one woman put it, "I always have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind, no matter how well I do, that I've failed, that I've messed up, that I'm just a big failure really." This particular woman was so professional and put together, the type of woman you'd see walking down the street and think, wow, she's really got her sh*t together. It's funny, this theme comes up so often it ended up as the title of my book, How to Get Your Sh*t Together. Put simply, the common thread in how women with ADHD felt as adults was: Why can't I get my sh*t together? And why does it seem like everyone else has theirs together? What I found so fascinating and liberating about my interviews was the realization that we all felt like that. It shattered the illusion that we were alone in our feelings of low self-esteem and revealed the comforting fact that these lingering feelings of "not enough" are so common to the experience of living with an ADHD diagnosis. While most people are bothered to some extent by perceived past failings and wrong turns, people with a late diagnosis of ADHD are particularly haunted by what could have been. If only they'd been diagnosed sooner. If only they'd understood themselves sooner. If only, if only, if only. It's no way to live. It's exactly why I dedicated a whole chapter of my book to forgiving yourself. You're not broken, and you never were. Wouldn't now be a good time to drop the burden of not feeling enough? You have the power to do it today. Enterprise ADHD Institute-Blog

New research highlights the link between weight concern and drug use in women. Key points Many women report using drugs in an effort to lose weight. A recent study of 1,533 women in drug treatment found that 57% were concerned about weight gain in recovery. Substance use treatment centers must address weight concerns as an integral part of recovery when present. Body dissatisfaction and weight concern are rampant in the United States. Research suggests that almost half of American adolescents are dissatisfied with their body. By adulthood, it’s more common for women to be dissatisfied with the way they look than satisfied (National Eating Disorders Association). Weight Loss and Substance Use In addition to being a key feature of many eating disorders, body image disturbance and a desire to lose weight can motivate substance use—both legal and illegal—as women strive to attain a culturally valued low body weight (Robinson, Walter, Deane, & Larance, 2023). For example, in a nationally representative sample of more than 12,000 young adults in the US, losing weight was one of the most common motivations for non-medical use of stimulants for women (Drazdowski et al., 2020). Similarly, in a sample of 131 college students who used substances, 15.3 percent of women reported using drugs for weight control purposes; and those who did mostly used illicit stimulants known for their weight-loss and appetite-suppressing side effects (including amphetamine, cocaine and methamphetamine; Bruening et al., 2018). In fact, women in treatment for substance use treatment often report weight-loss as a primary motivation to start and continue using drugs (Warren et al., 2013, 2026). In a recent study of 1,533 women in drug treatment centers in Nevada, my colleagues and I found that 12.3 percent had a lifetime eating disorder diagnosis and 21 percent reported symptoms of eating pathology without a formal diagnosis (Warren et al., 2026). Additionally, about 44 percent strongly agreed that they started using substances for weight loss purposes, and more than half were concerned about weight gain in recovery (57 percent). Strikingly, women who endorsed using substances for weight loss also reported significantly higher mean levels of body dissatisfaction, binge eating behavior, and general eating pathology than those who did not. Implications for Drug Treatment A 2026 advisory by the Substance Use and Mental Health Administration (SAMHSA, 2026) described the need for evidence-based care for people struggling with drug use, body image concerns, and eating disorder symptoms. Specifically, assessing how body image and weight concerns relate to substance use, treating overlapping symptoms simultaneously, and offering supplemental care in a supportive, nonjudgmental environment with experts who understand drug addiction as well as eating pathology is key to recovery success. One evidence-based program for women in drug treatment is the Healthy Steps to Freedom (HSF; Lindsay et al., 2012, 2026) program. HSF is a 10- to 12-week supplemental program that provides participants in drug treatment information about weight, nutrition, physical activity, body image, and eating behavior. In a recent study of 607 adult women in drug treatment (Lindsay et al., 2026), participation in HSF improved healthy eating and physical activity while thin-ideal internalization, body dissatisfaction, and disordered eating symptoms significantly decreased. These findings suggest that programs like HSF can support women in drug treatment to address weight-related concerns related to nutrition, physical activity, body image, and eating pathology as they relate to substance use. The Naked Truth In Western cultural contexts, women have been using drugs—both legal and illegal—to lose weight for decades. In fact, research increasingly highlights the link between weight dissatisfaction, disordered eating behavior, and drug use. Given that over-the-counter and prescription drugs are increasingly used to treat obesity in an accessible and culturally sanctioned way, addressing body concerns in a culture that increasingly promotes drug use to manage weight is particularly timely. Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP-Blog

Not all friendships are fully mutual, and sometimes, that's not OK. Key points One-sided contact, exhaustion, or constant excuse-making can signal an imbalanced friendship. Perceived partner responsiveness makes friendships mutually rewarding, boosting trust and well-being. Reciprocity matters: One-sided sharing or dismissive responses erode friendship quality over time. Pulling back briefly or naming the imbalance directly can clarify a friendship's true state. Mother giving daughter a hug. Think back over the important friendships you’ve had, and lost, over the years. It’s probably easy to remember the ones that ended after a betrayal or a falling-out; similarly, you might recall the ones that just drifted away as your circumstances changed. But what about friendships that just don’t feel the same anymore? Those that were once rewarding, but now feel like a drain on your energy, or a loss of the person you once liked? In these relationships, there may have been no dramatic shift, but instead, just a gradual devolution of the time you spend together. Maybe you find yourself doing all the calling, all the scheduling, all the showing-up. Maybe your text threads are mostly made up of stuff you’ve sent to them, without many replies. Psychological research has identified what you're feeling; some psychologists call it an asymmetrical relationship, while others talk about unequal emotional labor, or the over-functioning/under-functioning dynamic. The work you put into a friendship is called maintenance, and in these cases, there’s a serious imbalance. As you’d imagine, friendships thrive when both parties feel understood and validated, as though their friend is trying to keep them happy and well—a phenomenon known as perceived partner responsiveness (Reis et al., 2004)—which functions the same way with romantic partners, family relationships, and other social bonds. A subsequent study by Reis (2012) linked partner responsiveness to greater relationship satisfaction, greater levels of trust, better ability to recover from conflicts, higher psychological well-being, and even better physical health in both parties. Friendship, the research says, is good for you—especially when both friends put in enough effort. Naturally, not all healthy friendships must show a perfect 50/50 division of investment; Research by Blieszner and Adams (1992) suggests that friendships can move through phases—that closeness fluctuates over time. This means periods of imbalance can be normal, in any relationship. But if you’re starting to wonder if your friend isn’t offering you enough to sustain the relationship between you, here are five signs to look for. 1. I always text them. They never reach out to me. Social exchange theory (Emerson, 1976) holds that people implicitly evaluate the perceived costs and rewards of relationships, and that sustained imbalance erodes satisfaction over time. In other words, frequent, one-directional contact is one of the clearest behavioral markers of asymmetrical levels of investment. Rawlins (1992), in a book about friendships, argued that because they’re voluntary, mutual maintenance is the only reason they survive over time. So, although true friends aren’t “keeping score,” usually both are investing enough in the friendship for each one to feel appreciated. 2. I feel worn out after we spend time together. Support from real friends is a remarkable, energy-generating, mutually beneficial connection that can leave everyone feeling appreciated and restored. When this isn’t the case, it can have profound effects: a much-cited study by Walen and Lachman (2000) found that when a friend makes too many demands, becomes frequently critical, or can’t be relied upon, the resulting “social strain” is often associated with health problems and a diminished sense of well-being. Friendships that drain you, it seems, might even be bad for your physical health—and this could even be true about friendships with people you really like. 3. They always talk about themselves. Another source of social strain is the lack of reciprocity in relationships where one person does all the sharing and the other is forced to do all the listening. As I covered last year in an article about friendship and well-being in young adults, researchers Patrascu and Vaida found that friendships without reciprocity were associated with higher levels of stress and reduced psychological health. Sharing good news and celebrating it together, known as capitalization, consistently predicts higher relationship quality and positive feelings. The opposite is, unfortunately, also true: According to Gable et al. (2004): getting passive or dismissive responses to the good news you share can eliminate these benefits and even damage your relationship. 4. I’m always making excuses for their behavior. Maybe it’s “They had a hard week,” or “My text probably got buried,” or even “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” Some of the time, you’re probably right; it’s often a good idea to give your friends the benefit of the doubt. But if this has become a long-term pattern—a cycle in which your friend’s misbehavior is followed by your rationalization—it could be a sign of something important. Over time, as you explain away this pattern of slights and minor offenses, your own explanations will probably feel less convincing. Ultimately, this can start to look like a representation of your friend’s character, not just their behavior—and at this point, the friendship will weaken. Blieszner and Adams (1992) point to this as one of the primary drivers of friendship deterioration over time. 5. If I didn’t keep up this friendship, it would disappear. In some ways, this isn’t friendship maintenance anymore; it’s people-pleasing. To quantify this phenomenon, Jack and Dill (1992) created the Silencing The Self Scale, which measured the likelihood that a person will suppress her own needs in order to maintain intimacy. Although the scale was developed and tested only on female subjects, the concepts supporting it have a lot to say about relationships in general: trying to keep one going by ignoring one’s own feelings, they found, was strongly associated with higher scores on a depression inventory. When guilt and self-suppression keep a relationship in place, the friend who’s doing that internal, psychological work pays an emotional price. What to Do About a One-Sided Friendship Ask for practical advice about a relationship like this, and you may hear a false choice: love it or leave it. But there are other ways to adjust your expectations, or to communicate your feelings about the imbalance you’ve noticed. First, consider pulling back for a while. If someone has left you with a mild but persistent feeling of neglect, taking a little break from that relationship can be telling. When you withdraw, you can watch what your friend does in response: If they’re just having a hard day, they’ll notice and respond to the distance by reaching out to you. Alternately, though, you may see that without your efforts, the relationship doesn’t function the same way. You can also try to name the problem. Avoid blaming, shaming, or accusing your friend of abandoning you; speak about your own feelings and your own choices. “I feel like I’ve been taking most of the initiative, lately, when we talk. Have you noticed that?” Whatever they say or do in response—apologize, acknowledge the distance, or become defensive—will be useful information as you consider what to do next. In truth, not every relationship can work the way you’d like it to. Friendships can be situation-related; they’ll often change over time. Some close friendships become more casual as the years go by. Quite often, this isn’t anyone’s fault, and maybe it isn’t even a loss—it can be a natural consequence of the decisions you make for other reasons. If you think this might be the case, think about the amount of investment you want to put into this relationship. Friendships, as we all know, are different from family relationships because they’re chosen, and because they’re reciprocal (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023; Blieszner & Adams, 1992). It might be painful to acknowledge but noticing a mismatch between what you're giving and what you're receiving is the first step toward growth and change. When you notice this and take corrective action—even if that means allowing a once-strong friendship to subside—you’re taking better care of yourself and making room for relationships that can sustain you better. Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP-Blog, Website

4 practical steps for moving beyond prolonged grief. Key points Prolonged Grief Disorder is an internationally recognized condition and is included in diagnostic manuals. Prolonged grief can cause significant negative impacts. Understanding the signs and symptoms of PGD and seeking help are key to recovery. Woman going through grief. Grief is the intense pain that follows a profound loss. Grieving is an unavoidable, painful, and profound reaction and process in the aftermath of the loss of someone or something deeply meaningful and loved. While we typically associate grief with the death of a loved one, we can also experience grief through other significant losses, like the loss of a job, the loss of a beloved pet, the loss of a significant relationship, a life-changing accident, or diagnosis (your own or of a loved one), and significant, definitive life-changing transitions, like the end of active parenting, when children leave the family home, retirement or the end of a career. At some point in our lives, we will all experience loss. How we process our loss can have a profound impact on our health, our relationships, and our ability to reintegrate and return to living a full and meaningful life. Grief and the grieving process In the 1960’s, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the five stages of loss, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, a framework that, over time, has been widely discussed, reframed, and revisited, with many mental health experts and researchers adding to the discussion. (Why the Five Stages of Grief are Wrong, by David B. Feldman, Ph.D., offers an excellent exploration of the limitations of Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief.) In On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Kübler-Ross offers this poignant summation of the need for time to process loss: “We need time to move through the pain of loss. We need to step into it, really, to get to know it.” University of Arizona associate professor of clinical psychology and psychiatry Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD, who researches the range of physical and emotional responses in the aftermath of loss, characterizes the grieving process as “the way that grief changes over time without ever actually going away,” emphasizing that time is essential to processing and recovering from loss. When it comes to the grieving process, do we know when we have been grieving too long? Recognizing Prolonged Grief Disorder Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) is the latest diagnosis included in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), published in 2022, and in a number of other international diagnostic manuals. The DSM-5-TR defines "too long" as “at least a year for adults and at least 6 months for children and adolescents.” While statistics vary, a 2024 cross-national analysis of 16 countries estimates the prevalence of PGD at 5-16 percent of people experiencing grief. A PGD diagnosis, in addition to its defined timeframe, requires the ongoing presence of three of the following eight criteria for at least one month: intense emotional pain directly related to a significant loss, a persistent disbelief or difficulty in dealing with a significant loss, a loss of identity, avoidance of people, situations, and settings that trigger painful emotions, overwhelming difficulties in returning to daily routines and activities, emotional numbness, prolonged feelings of despair and hopelessness, and prolonged feelings of detachment from others, loneliness, isolation, and a loss of meaning and purpose. PGD is linked to “serious health outcomes, including increased suicide risk, cardiovascular disease, cancer, substance use, sleep problems, and chronic illness.” Furthermore, while research on the impact of PGD on the brain is relatively new, recent studies have observed “neurobiological circuitry of PGD [which] overlaps with that of anxiety and depression,” as well as macroprocesses “related to the brain’s reward system,” unique to PGD. Seeking treatment for Prolonged Grief Disorder The first step to navigating PGD for yourself or someone you love is building an awareness of its persistent and troubling signs and symptoms. If you or someone you love is struggling with loss, and stuck in recurring patterns of isolation, despair, emotional pain, and patterns of avoidance, and/or struggling to reintegrate into social situations, working life, or handle daily life tasks and responsibilities it is important to seek the help of a mental health professional who can offer evidence-based treatments, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), strategies and tools to help process grief, manage avoidance and self-isolating behaviors, reestablish daily routines, and rediscover a sense of purpose and meaning in life. It is important to understand that we are more than our losses, our traumas, and our setbacks. We need to realize that there are effective, evidence-based treatments and interventions to help individuals suffering from prolonged grief move beyond their pain. With awareness, self-compassion, and the help of a mental health professional, we can reconnect with our sense of joy and purpose and create the life we want and deserve. Four Key Steps to Moving Beyond Prolonged Grief Build an awareness around the signs and symptoms of PGD. As with any serious mental health disorder, awareness is the first step to positive change and recovery. Reflect on the persistent distressing thoughts, overwhelming feelings, choices, and behaviors that keep you stuck, isolated, and feeling hopeless and alone. Make a commitment to yourself to take positive steps to process your pain and move beyond your prolonged grief. Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are struggling with prolonged grief. (Your GP or family doctor is often a key resource and can refer you to a mental health professional.) Monica Vermani, C. Psych.-Blog, Link

Are intrusive thoughts taking over your relationship? Key points Relationship OCD involves intense obsession over one's partner or the relationship. ROCD is often frustrating and exhausting for loved ones providing continuous reassurance. Through treatment, people with ROCD learn to accept uncertainty in relationships. Partner expressing concern at partner looking at their phone. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by many themes and subtypes. Within the past decade, there has been growing acknowledgement and understanding of what is called relationship OCD, or ROCD for short. As with other forms of OCD, ROCD is characterized by intrusive, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (including mental) aimed at reducing distress that usually—and inadvertently—feeds into the obsessive cycle. While many people experience doubts about their romantic relationships, ROCD obsessions are particularly intense, troubling, and seemingly impossible to reason through. Subtypes of ROCD There are two subtypes of ROCD: Partner-focused or PF-ROCD: People with PF-ROCD are focused on their partner’s qualities. They obsess over whether their partner is the “right person” for them or whether they’re attracted to their partner. They may repetitively scrutinize their partner’s perceived attractiveness, intelligence, compatibility, and ability to get along. Relationship-centered or RCOCD: People with RCOCD focus more on the relationship itself. They obsess over whether they are in the "right relationship.” They want absolute certainty that the relationship will last—something that’s impossible to know for anyone. It’s important to note that these subtypes aren’t mutually exclusive. In my clinical experience, many people with ROCD experience both. You may notice the word “right” appears in both subtypes. That word, "right," is a common sign of the intense difficulty tolerating uncertainty that is characteristic of OCD. While ROCD frequently focuses on romantic relationships, it may also apply to other close relationships, such as those between a parent and child. For example, one client with whom I worked was obsessed with the idea that her spouse and child would both be happier without her in their lives. She had trouble being present with and enjoying their company because she constantly obsessed over whether she should leave them, because they would be better off. Common ROCD Fears There are two commonly feared outcomes in ROCD: Fear of harm to oneself: Individuals may fear they will never be happy because they are committed to the wrong person. They may worry that they will realize “too late” (e.g., in their 60s after decades of being together) that they have made a mistake and will spend the rest of their life alone. Fear of harm to the other person: Some individuals worry more about the emotional pain they would cause the other person because they had made the wrong choice. They worry that they will inevitably break up, and that because they didn't figure it out sooner, they will have wasted their partner’s time and caused them unnecessary harm. Again, an individual with OCD may experience both fears. Signs and Symptoms of ROCD Like most forms of OCD, ROCD is defined by engagement in compulsions or rituals. Some of the most common behaviors include: Checking. They engage in frequent checking of feelings that they are attracted to their partner. They look for signs that they are in the right relationship. For example, they may compare their relationship to past relationships, or to the relationships of people they know. Because we’re often not privy to what goes on in others’ relationships, it’s easy for individuals with ROCD to idealize the relationships of others while fixating on the perceived flaws in their own. Reassurance-seeking. Similar to checking, people with OCD often seek reassurance. Because people with OCD are prone to obsessive doubt, they may ask the same person the same questions multiple times. A common doubt is that they didn't describe their concerns correctly, and they think that if they provide more information, they may receive a different response. Loved ones who have been on the receiving end of compulsive reassurance are often exhausted by having to answer the same questions over and over again. Research. People may engage in compulsive internet research, spending hours reading articles such as “10 Signs You’re in the Right Relationship.” Because the behavior is compulsive, the research only serves to reinforce obsessive doubt. How ROCD Affects Relationships ROCD can place immense strain on relationships. Partners may feel: Exhausted from answering the same questions repeatedly Worn down by their partner’s ambivalence Frustrated by their partner’s inability to commit Tinella and colleagues (2023) found that ROCD improved the longer someone was in a relationship. However, even the most understanding and sympathetic partner has limits after years of indecision. One client I worked with sought treatment because their partner gave them an ultimatum: If they were unwilling to take the step of proposing marriage and becoming engaged, they would end it. This placed our therapy on a bit of a timeline! People with ROCD may also impulsively end the relationship, not because they want to, but because they hope breaking up will relieve their intense anxiety and doubt. However, this compulsive ending of the relationship is often more painful, leading to regret and attempts at reconciliation, further straining the relationship. ROCD vs. Normal Doubt Relationship doubts are normal. How do you know when it might be ROCD? Here are a few indicators: Need for certainty. Many of my non-OCD clients question whether they want to be with someone or whether they should end a relationship. However, they are able to accept the uncertainty that any relationship may end. Someone prone to ROCD seeks absolute certainty that they are in the “right” relationship, as if there is some objective benchmark, a cosmically correct decision. A sense of urgency. When we question the value of a relationship, we may take the time to patiently reflect on what we want. Someone prone to ROCD—and OCD in general—experiences a pressing need to figure it out immediately. This unnecessary urgency creates enormous stress and anxiety. Presence of compulsions. By definition, OCD involves a combination of obsessions—intrusive thoughts or feared outcomes—and compulsions, behaviors intended to neutralize and ward off fears associated with obsessions. People with ROCD engage in constant checking: that they love their partner, that their partner is compatible, and that past interactions may clarify that they are in the right relationship. They may ask for reassurance from their partner and from loved ones. However, any assurance they receive is never enough. They may spend hours reading articles about relationships, hoping knowledge will provide the certainty they seek. However, these compulsions only reinforce the OCD cycle. Hyperfocus on flaws. People with PF-ROCD may fixate on perceived flaws or imperfections in their partner. Are they attractive enough? Is their partner a good fit in terms of shared values, intelligence, or ability to contribute to the household, whether that’s financial or through household chores? Treating ROCD As I’ve written in other blog posts, the treatment for OCD with the most research support is exposure and response (or ritual) prevention (ERP). Through repeated exposure to their fears, people with ROCD learned to: Be present with anxiety while choosing not to engage in compulsions. Accept that they can never be 100 percent sure that they’ve chosen the “right” person. Get in touch with their own feelings, intuition, and judgment about the other person. They may realize that deep down, they’re happier than not with their partner, in their relationship, and trust that if there are problems down the road, they can handle them. Through ERP, people learn to reconnect with what they value, with how they feel about their loved one, and to accept that absolute certainty in relationships is not possible. Final Thoughts Relationship OCD is deeply painful—not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner as well. ROCD isn’t about the relationship itself, though—it’s about how the individual relates to uncertainty. With ERP and new cognitive behavior treatments such as acceptance and commitment therapy, it’s possible to break free from the cycle of doubt and build a relationship based not on certainty but on choosing to be with someone because they care about them, getting in touch with what they value, and accepting that no partner is perfect. Brian Thompson, Ph.D.-Blog

How emotional, physical, and intuitive parts guide donor selection. Key points Choosing a donor isn’t just logical; it’s emotional, physical, and deeply personal. One woman’s experience highlights how various part of ourselves shape the selection process. When fear softens and all parts are heard, the clearest and kindest choice can emerge. A smiling couple during a consultation meeting. Olivia opened her email to find five egg donor profiles the agency thought would be a suitable match. It was a slightly surreal experience for her—somewhere between a dating app and the unsettling feeling of selecting the “best” genetic profile—a modern version of survival of the fittest, something straight out of The Hunger Games. Each profile came with pages of information, and some included short videos. It was a flood of facts—but how do you make a life-altering decision based on a two-dimensional paper version of a person? Where do you even begin? We Think We’re Just Choosing Based on Facts Most people believe that they’ll choose based on logic, by finding someone who makes sense on paper and is “like us.” Someone within the genetic “wheelhouse” of our family, with the right statistics, a similar academic background, or perhaps someone who shares values or life experiences that feel familiar or comforting. That’s how we believe we’ll know who’s right. The Truth Is, We Choose With More Than Logic The truth is, as always, complex. While the process may start with facts and figures, those aren't necessarily what lead us to a decision. Olivia ultimately settled on two egg donor profiles with which she felt a deep connection. Both women had similar features to hers. One played the same musical instrument. One had even attended her alma mater. These were traits that mattered to her, not just logically, but emotionally and symbolically. To double-check, Olivia had even connected with each donor over video. But things didn’t go as planned. The first donor didn’t pass the psychological evaluation. The second seemed unreliable, frequently rescheduling appointments, and was unable to make herself consistently available for key steps in the process. Eventually, both cycles stopped before they even started. Olivia felt hurt, confused, and disillusioned—not only by the outcomes, but by how intensely painful the losses felt. Since these events occurred one after the other, Olivia started to unpack what she might be missing in the donor selection process. In therapy, she began exploring what part of her was doing the choosing—and why. She started to see how love, fear, her body, and her self-protective system were all shaping her decisions. When the Self-Protector Takes Over Most of all, Olivia began to recognize her self-protector system. She noticed how she would pore over every tiny detail of a donor’s profile, overanalyzing their traits and qualifications. Her logical brain worked overtime. But why read and reread the same information? It’s not as if the facts had changed. What was she looking for? Double- and triple-checking became her way of trying to control the uncontrollable—an attempt to avoid future regret in an emotionally high-stakes situation. The result? Analysis paralysis. Over time, she developed more self-compassion and began to see that this pattern wasn’t random. These reactions had been shaped by old grief and trauma. She suffered from hindsight bias. What if she was wrong? Initially, her protector had been running the show. But when Olivia slowed down, she realized there were other parts of her trying to speak—parts she had pushed away and silenced. She likened it to a phrase she used to dismiss her little sister with when they were growing up: “You know nothing!” Except this time, she was saying it to all the other parts of herself she had been unintentionally ignoring. The Heart In traditional Eastern traditions, the heart is seen as the home to inner knowing. It seeks love, connection, and authenticity (Maciocia, G., 2015). In Olivia’s case, her mind was scanning profiles for something that felt like her. She was chasing sameness. Something that said, this could have come from me. But in her relentless search, she had been ignoring her heart. Sameness and connection aren’t the same thing. Sameness is about matching. It’s the comfort the mind reaches for in moments of fear, but connection doesn’t need genetic replication to be real. It grows with safety and love. Olivia was initially scared to let go of the search for sameness. She had been raised in a culture that celebrates resemblance: “Oh, the baby looks just like you!” Those words meant proof of connection, of being a real family. Letting go of that idea felt risky. But over time, she began to quiet those voices and create space for a different kind of path where connection didn’t have to look a certain way to be real. She began to grieve and realize that if her heart was to be included in the search, donors she had overlooked became options. The Body As Olivia started to focus inward, she inevitably noticed her body more. Way before her mind or her protector system reacted, her body had already responded. Tightness in her chest, a lump in her throat when reading a donor’s essay. Her physical sensations weren’t just symptoms of stress; they were messengers. She had focused so heavily on mental analysis to make the “right” choice that she ignored physical cues. For example, when she read one donor’s statement, she felt her stomach drop. It was a sensation she brushed off as nerves. Instead of pausing to explore that reaction, she overrode it with logic: She looks like me, she has a great education, she checks all the boxes. In another case, Olivia had an expansive feeling in her chest while reading a profile. Something about the donor’s tone felt good. But because the donor didn’t have the same level of academic achievement, Olivia dismissed the connection. To better use her body cues, Olivia had to slow down and notice how her body responded without rationalizing it. By not assuming every sensation was fear, Olivia noticed it became one of the most trustworthy places to begin. The Higher Self Underneath all the noise—her racing thoughts, her grief, her need to feel in control—Olivia started to sense a quieter part of herself that was calm, not afraid. We called this her higher self. It asked different kinds of questions: Am I choosing out of fear or love? Does this feel true to who I am as a person? The more Olivia quieted her thoughts with meditation, the more her inner wisdom came forward. The decisions didn’t suddenly become easy, but they did feel more honest. When All Parts Communicate At first, all of Olivia’s inner parts were pulling in different directions. It stirred up her entire emotional world. And that’s true for many people. This isn’t just about picking someone from a list. The mind, heart, body, and higher self all influence how we process information, each offering wisdom while also revealing our vulnerabilities and challenges. It took time for Olivia to bring these parts into dialogue with each other. But her most grounded choice came when her fear was acknowledged and balanced with compassion, body awareness, and emotional clarity. What did she notice? She felt happy—and finally, genuinely excited to move forward. Fenella Das Gupta, Ph.D., MFT

You can eliminate anxiety on your own by doing three simple activities. Key points Anxiety is a real disorder and should not be minimized. Despite professional efforts, the prevalence of anxiety is increasing. Anxiety has an evolutionary-survival component. You can minimize or eliminate anxiety by using three strategies. A person holding their forehead, appearing stressed or tired. Anxiety is coming out of the closet, openly discussed and acknowledged by celebrities like Oprah, Lady Gaga, Steven Colbert, and a long list of other famous people. Almost every week, you can read a “me also” admission from someone you think shouldn’t suffer from this emotion. Surprisingly, an increased awareness of the effects of anxiety has done little to reduce its prevalence. According to the National Institute of Health, 20 percent of adults suffer from anxiety, and the figure keeps rising. That translates to more than 40 million adults in the United States. Big numbers for an emotion whose effects we often minimize. What is Anxiety? Anxiety, according to the American Psychological Association, is “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.” Although it is one of the most common conditions that should benefit from intervention, psychologists report that it is undertreated because of efficacy, cost, lack of personnel, or social acceptance. While traditional therapy for anxiety should not be abandoned—it is effective for many—it may be time to try a new approach, one based on neuroscience. Neuroscience has taught us that an emotionally significant event in the present can trigger other similar memories, especially if it is negative. PTSD is one extreme example. While the retrieved memories may not accurately reflect the events, they bring to your consciousness the emotions you felt when the event was experienced. How the Brain Is Wired to Create Anxiety and Negativity Our brains largely determine how we structure and react to the world. Psychologists might insist that everything we do is based on the brain's workings, from knowing not to put fingers into a flame to the love we feel for a new puppy. Some evolutionary biologists argue that the brain’s creation of anxiety had a survival value when velociraptors contemplated making our ancestors lunch. Their anxiety resulted from information stored as memories (human-eating animals hide in bushes) and speculation of the future (a human-eating animal may be hiding in the shaking bush in front of me). Although anxiety may have lost much of its survival value, the brain still regurgitates negative memories as if dinosaurs lurk behind skyscrapers. For example, you may become anxious when a disreputable candidate gains momentum because of what they did in the past (stored information) coupled with speculation about what they might do if elected (unknown information). Connecting a present negative situation with similar negative ones you stored, and ones you anticipate often leads to anxiety and, in some severe cases, depression. If your traditional therapy hasn’t worked, you can’t find a competent professional, or you don’t have the money for counseling, here are three strategies you can immediately use to reduce your anxiety. Each is designed to break the bond between the present and past negative memories. Three Behavioral Strategies What are behavioral strategies? Simply ways of affecting change, attitudes or behaviors, by understanding how the brain works. Prioritizing. In A Year to Live, Steven Levine asks readers to prioritize their behaviors for one year if they knew it was their last. The brain loves this type of activity—even if the heart finds it uncomfortable—since it involves categorizing, a primary part of efficient and unemotional thinking. I’ve asked clients to do this exercise but changed the timeframe to 24 hours. After resisting, they were amazed at how their attitudes changed. Given a time constraint, they realized what they thought was important was irrelevant. No one ever listed “work” or "fretting" as a priority. Most lists contained only specific behaviors that “made a difference” to them or someone close. Do Three Positive Things Every Day. Many people do not realize that when the brain engages in one significant negative thought, it establishes connections with other negative thoughts. As negative thoughts make connections and accumulate, anxiety may develop. It is possible to break the synaptic connections by doing something positive that gives you great pleasure. Playing a musical instrument, sculpting, writing, cooking, and basically, anything you find pleasurable. Three is an arbitrary number I’ve used successfully with clients, but choose whatever is doable. You may not be able to eliminate anxiety, but you can dull its effects. Simulations. Simulations are creations of situations that closely correspond to reality. For example, if you fear that you will eventually lose your sight, create a situation in which you will experience what it is like not to see. Put on a blindfold in your house for an hour, either alone or with someone who can protect you. With repeated simulations, the memory of what it felt like to be blind gets stored in your brain, and when your vision fails, the emotional impact of the change will be less than if you had not prepared for blindness. I have routinely used this activity with clients who are beginning to experience dementia. The Takeaway We can’t control all aspects of our lives that create anxiety. Cancer may develop even if your foods are organic. Partners may leave after you do everything to please them. Jobs may be lost to China despite your commitment to the company. Your favorite candidate may lose even though you donated money and knocked on doors. These and other situations can create anxiety if we ignore the brain’s hardwiring. However, anxiety can be reduced by using three behavioral strategies: prioritization, engaging in positive activities, and simulations. Stan Goldberg, Ph.D.-Blog

Neuroscience finds that divorce can be a trauma for children and adults alike. Key points Divorce can trigger lasting trauma in children, teens, adult children, and spouses. Neuroscience reveals how stress from divorce reshapes the brain and emotional health. Trauma-informed therapy and support can help the brain recover from divorce-related trauma. Illustration of a human brain with a highlighted glowing region Divorce is often framed as a legal and emotional disruption. Mounting evidence from neuroscience reveals it may also qualify as a traumatic event, especially for children but also for adults. From a neurological perspective, trauma occurs when the brain becomes overwhelmed and unable to process or recover from a disturbing event. Divorce, especially when sudden or high in conflict, can activate the brain’s stress systems in powerful and long-lasting ways. The Developing Brain Under Stress Children are especially vulnerable to disruptions in their caregiving environment. During childhood, the brain is highly "plastic," meaning that experiences, both positive and negative, can profoundly shape it. Divorce involving high conflict can expose children to persistent stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child identifies this as “toxic stress,” which can impair the development of brain systems needed for emotional regulation, attention, and decision-making. Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) studies show that children living with chronic conflict may develop anxiety, emotional instability, or behavioral challenges later in life. Adolescents: Becoming Their Future Selves Teens going through parental divorce face particular neurological risks. Their brains are still developing in areas related to identity, emotion, and social relationships. Imaging studies suggest they are susceptible to social stress and rejection, which can result in increased anxiety, withdrawal, and depression. Adolescents are also more cognitively advanced, making them more likely to internalize a divorce. They may blame themselves or form unhealthy beliefs about relationships, trust, or love, which can shape their future emotional lives. Adult Children of Divorce: A Silent Struggle Contrary to popular belief, adult children are not immune to the emotional impact of divorce and feel isolated in their loss and grief. Even after leaving home a sudden split in the family can shake their sense of security and identity. Emotional pain tied to family breakdowns can activate old stress patterns in the brain, especially if there are lingering tensions between parents, adult children, and extended family members. Brain studies have shown that revisiting painful family memories can stir activity in the same regions involved in rumination and depression. This suggests that unresolved feelings about parental divorce can leave deep emotional and neurological traces years later. Divorcing Adults: Trauma in Real Time Divorce is often traumatic for adults as well. Feelings of rejection, shame, or failure can activate the brain regions responsible for processing social pain. This explains why heartbreak often feels physically painful. In cases of betrayal, legal battles, or prolonged conflict, the brain and body can become stuck in a state of chronic stress. Over time, this may lead to problems with memory, emotional regulation, and increased vulnerability to future trauma. Healing the Traumatized Brain The good news is that neuroplasticity, the brain's capacity to rewire itself, is a lifelong process. Therapeutic approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based stress reduction, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) have all shown promise in helping both children and adults recover from divorce-related trauma. These interventions can help recalibrate the brain's stress response systems, rebuild emotional regulation circuits, and foster a renewed sense of security. Healing from the Trauma of Divorce Is Possible Divorce is not merely a legal and psychological stressor. It's a neurobiological event that can reshape how the brain processes stress, emotion, and relationships across the lifespan. Understanding divorce through the lens of neuroscience and treating it as a legitimate form of trauma opens the door to more compassionate care and science-based paths to healing, which may be long and certainly possible. Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT-Blog, Book

The science-backed benefits of forgiveness. Key points Forgiveness is both a choice and a process. Forgiveness offers a path to improved health, happiness, and well-being. Letting go of past hurt and harm frees us from pain and resentment. A person gazes thoughtfully with a blurred reflection. To err is human, to forgive divine. These words, penned by 18th-century poet Alexander Pope, remind us that while everyone makes mistakes, forgiveness stands tall as a powerful choice. When it comes to causing and receiving hurt and harm, most of us have been on both sides of the fence. Intentionally or otherwise, we have been hurt and have hurt others. Moreover, most of us view forgiveness as a selfless act, something we extend to those who have wronged us. But the act of forgiveness is far more complex and nuanced, involving a process of acknowledging and letting go of anger and pain that sets in motion a host of benefits. The research-based benefits of letting go Holding on to past hurts, failures, disappointments, and painful experiences sustains anger and increases the risk of negative health outcomes, including heart disease. Choosing forgiveness can help improve blood pressure and cholesterol, reduce the risk of heart attack, diminish pain levels, and improve sleep. It is also associated with positive aging and the supportive role of close social relationships in promoting longevity. A 2020 study, using longitudinal data from more than 100,000 participants in The Nurses' Health Study II, which began in 1989, examined the physical and mental health benefits of forgiveness in a cohort of nurses aged 43 to 64 years. The study concluded that “forgiveness is positively associated with multiple indicators of psychosocial and mental health.” A recent Harvard study of the benefits of forgiveness found that it benefits mental health by reducing anxiety and depression. According to Tyler VanderWeele, study co-author and co-director of the Initiative on Health, Spirituality, and Religion at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, forgiveness can also “lead to restored relationships, bringing happiness, satisfaction, and social support.” Stuck in our stories As human beings, we learn from our experiences and often hold on tight to our painful lessons as a means of preventing us from repeating past mistakes, missteps, and painful experiences. In short, this leaves us ruminating on past experiences, holding on to painful grudges, and forecasting imagined worst-case scenarios to come. Life is a series of experiences, which we label as positive or negative. From both our negative and positive experiences, we learn and grow. It is important that we learn to process our pain and let go of the stories that keep us stuck in fear, low self-esteem, and low courage. The power of letting go We can, instead of remaining stuck in our negative stories, choose to let go. Through the process of forgiveness, we can acknowledge the lessons learned from our painful experiences and, with these lessons, build strength, resilience, and compassion for ourselves and others. Today, the mental and physical health benefits of forgiveness are increasingly clear and compelling. Forgiveness is a vital process that frees us from pain and resentment and opens the way to healing and personal growth. We’re here to live our lives authentically and fully. Forgiveness offers a path to health, happiness, and well-being. 7 steps to forgiveness At times, we struggle with forgiveness, knowing how to let go, and where to start. It is important to understand that forgiveness is more than a choice; it’s also a process. Here are seven steps to guide you along the process—or path—to forgiveness: Identify a painful event or situation that continues to cause you hurt and harm. Examine the story of this painful event or situation in full. Bear in mind that the story involving someone who has caused you harm rarely begins on a negative front. Remember your shared story in full, including both positive and negative impacts and outcomes. Acknowledge both the positive and negative aspects of the other person or people in this story. Take stock of the negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs you hold onto as a result of remaining stuck in a state of resentment, disappointment, and anger Consider your role in this story with self-compassion. Did a lack of healthy personal boundaries or failure to stand up for yourself contribute to the negative outcome? Reflect on the role you played in this painful story. Decide to move forward in forgiveness. Remember that forgiving does not mean forgetting or letting go of the lessons you’ve learned. Neither does it mean condoning abusive, thoughtless, or unkind treatment, or reconnecting with the person or people who have done you wrong. Write your story down. Imagine writing a letter to the person or people you wish to forgive. Describe your experience in full. Write about the lingering hurt and harm, what this experience has taught you, and how you have grown. End with a concluding statement that forgives both the other person and yourself. (Once you’ve completed your written account or "letter," you can decide what to do with it. You need not share it, keep it around, or send it to the person who harmed you!) Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are feeling overwhelmed and struggling to forgive past hurts. A therapist can help process pain, develop self-compassion, and resilience. Monica Vermani, C. Psych.-Blog

Here's a cognitive behavioral technique to use to manage imposter syndrome. Key points Imposter syndrome (IS) is experienced by 62% of people, according to a large survey. The higher your level of education, the more likely you are to experience IS. A cognitive behavior technique can help people manage IS. Because IS is so common, mention of the condition can be used to increase trust with subordinates. A person crouched in office hallway, appearing stressed and overwhelmed. Imposter syndrome (IS) is a persistent inability to attribute one’s achievements to personal merit. Success is wholly or partially attributed to luck or other external factors. (Salari, 2025). Although IS was once thought to be a gender issue, recent research suggests that both sexes experience the condition. Males are less likely to discuss it openly. (Vitoria, 2020). Salari and his research team recently reviewed 30 different studies on IS with a total sample size of 11, 483 people. They found that 62% experienced the syndrome at some point. The probability of experiencing IS increased with years of formal education. (Salari, 2025). IS can inhibit people from making contributions. Nevertheless, leaders can harness it to increase trust. Why Pay Attention to IS? Individuals with IS are less likely to volunteer answers than their peers. They are less likely to volunteer for experiences that would advance their careers but risk public failure. There is no cure for IS, but there are ways to manage it. Step one is to respect the empirical research: If you experience IS, acknowledge that you are in good company. Sixty-two percent of workers experience it. You are not alone. IS is common among all types of professionals, especially among physicians and CEOs (Sheykhangafshe et al.) Cognitive behavioral therapy has been effective in treating the IS of medical professionals (Sheykhangafshe et al, 2024). One especially helpful cognitive behavioral technique is to reframe success/failure. Most professionals tend to view success/failure as a binary concept: If you didn’t totally succeed, then you are a failure. Think about your previous visit to your primary care provider. You probably saw a chart on a wall with a level of pain from 0 (no pain) to 10 (intolerable). Asking a patient, “Are you in pain?” is a binary question. Alternatively, asking a patient, “On a scale of 0 to 10, what is your level of pain?” turns it into an ordinal problem. Which question helps your care provider be more effective in managing your pain? Consider framing success and failure as ordinal concepts, ranging from 0 to 10. A “0” stands for “total calamity.” A “10” stands for “total success.” A secondary ordinal scale might involve your perception of the impact your behavior had on the success outcome. The scale might range from 0 (bystander) to 10 (could not happen without me). How to Use IS to Build Trust. The AI paradox declares that as the use of artificial intelligence increases, it reduces the relative value of analytical and technical competence. With increasing use, AI is fueling skepticism among people about what they read and see on screens. However, perceived personal and institutional trust takes on a higher value as AI use grows. During a one-on-one meeting with a subordinate, consider admitting that you, too, suffered from IS when you were at the age/experience level of the subordinate. Admit that as you have gained experience and success, IS has abated but perhaps never entirely disappeared. Frame the disclosure in words that you are comfortable with. The key idea is to normalize IS. Admitting to having IS increases that subordinate’s trust in you. It also reduces the subordinates’ sense of isolation. Because impostor syndrome is so common among men and women, it can be reliably used as a way to increase perceived trust. Laurence J. Stybel Ed.D. -Blog