A Common Struggle for Women With ADHD

The one thing many ADHD woman I've interviewed have in common may surprise you.

Key points

• ADHD often means underperforming despite high intelligence, and that takes a toll on self-worth.

• Women with ADHD often feel like they haven't lived up to their potential.

• Late-diagnosed women often spend years haunted by "what could have been."

If there's one trap in life that we can all fall into, it's the feeling that we are alone in our suffering. As the old saying goes, there are no unique human experiences, no matter how much your brain would like to trick you into feeling otherwise. Even after years of researching women with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and living the life of a neurodivergent woman myself, I still fall into that trap. So it's always comforting to be reminded that we're not alone.

One of the most common experiences of people with ADHD is that they don't live up to their potential and tend to underperform in certain areas, despite often scoring above average in intelligence. Self-esteem comes from "proving" your capabilities to yourself by achieving your goals. When people with ADHD, for one reason or another, don't achieve what they're so capable of, the knock-on effect is a blow to self-esteem.

Regret About What Could Have Been

The end result is that the one key feature I find in many woman I interview with ADHD is a lack of self-esteem. This is particularly tragic, and it can impact every area of their lives: relationships, career, and even their own sense of peace. As one woman put it, "I always have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind, no matter how well I do, that I've failed, that I've messed up, that I'm just a big failure really." This particular woman was so professional and put together, the type of woman you'd see walking down the street and think, wow, she's really got her sh*t together. It's funny, this theme comes up so often it ended up as the title of my book, How to Get Your Sh*t Together. Put simply, the common thread in how women with ADHD felt as adults was: Why can't I get my sh*t together? And why does it seem like everyone else has theirs together?

What I found so fascinating and liberating about my interviews was the realization that we all felt like that. It shattered the illusion that we were alone in our feelings of low self-esteem and revealed the comforting fact that these lingering feelings of "not enough" are so common to the experience of living with an ADHD diagnosis. While most people are bothered to some extent by perceived past failings and wrong turns, people with a late diagnosis of ADHD are particularly haunted by what could have been. If only they'd been diagnosed sooner. If only they'd understood themselves sooner. If only, if only, if only. It's no way to live. It's exactly why I dedicated a whole chapter of my book to forgiving yourself. You're not broken, and you never were. Wouldn't now be a good time to drop the burden of not feeling enough? You have the power to do it today.

Enterprise ADHD Institute-Blog