After Suffering the Loss a Child, Life Miraculously Rolls On

It’s almost magical when you look back on how you and your grief have changed.

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! You've gone through the worst kind of hell and made it to the other side of the grief road! I’m so glad to see you here! I wish I could give you a great big hug! Pour yourself a drink, put your feet up, and enjoy the moment. No one deserves it more than you!

You’ve been through a lot and have come a long way. As time goes by, the early days of your grief have become fuzzy. You remember the pain, but you don’t really remember. It’s sort of like how some women forget the intensity of childbirth (or so I’ve been told). They forget the physical pain but not the memory of it.

A teddy bear by the water at sunset.

That’s why it’s important to take a look at how you and your grief have changed. It’s truly amazing, almost magical when you look back on it. You’ve progressed from feeling completely hopeless and in the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life to cherishing each day you have left.

How the hell did that happen?

You know how, but even that begins to fade. All the hard work you’ve put in, all the tears you’ve shed, all the dark nights of the soul you’ve wrestled with get packed away in your head and heart because the worst is over, and life rolls on.

Whenever I think of those three little words, I think of Rob. I see those words tattooed in cursive on his left forearm. When he was here with us, I thought those words were emblematic of his no-Fs-given attitude, but now I think they’re a message to me and a message to you.

The message is something we all know and have always known, and I don’t think I need to spell it out for you, because I think we all feel it deep down inside. We live our lives differently than we have in the past and differently than others who have never experienced anything like the depth of our loss.

For us, Life Rolls On has become a way of life. We need to do things that feel important to us and to others. We are more present, slowing life’s roll and amplifying each moment. We appreciate every day we have left on Earth and the day ahead, whenever it comes, when we meet our child again.

We still curse out idiot drivers who cut us off on the freeway, we talk too loud and too much on our phones like everybody else, and we often forget to replace the toilet paper roll. We’re not perfect. We f--- up like everyone else. We’re extraordinary but we’re also human.

Which, again, is absolutely remarkable given the trauma and drama we’ve endured. We’re still standing and doing our best, and that’s what our kids would want us to do. I know this and you know this because that’s what they tell us every day.

They remind us to be happy, they remind us to be kind, they remind us to be grateful, they remind us to be honest, they remind us how much love we have in our hearts and how we should spread it around far and wide but also leave a little leftover for ourselves.

And that’s what I’m going to remind you about right now.

Do me a favor and close your eyes. Picture your child’s smiling face. Stay with it a moment. Breathe it in. Savor it. Have you ever seen a more beautiful face? Now I want you to remember the day they were born and the first time you set eyes on them and how it was love at first sight. Remember their gorgeous tiny face, and remember how incredible you felt on that wonderful day. Breathe that day in as much as you can.

Now fast forward to another happy time in their life. Maybe it was a birthday or a trip to Disneyland or a day at the beach. Picture how happy they look blowing out the candles or frolicking in the waves or whatever they’re doing in the joyful moment you’ve chosen. Now place your hand over your heart and feel them smiling and saying, “Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” Have you ever seen a happier face?

Okay, now take a deep breath and imagine their face today. They look all grown up, with a beatific grown-up smile, but if you look closely, you can still see the baby that lives inside them. Now tell them how much you miss them. Say the words out loud. And tell them how much you love them and will always love them. Say it over and over again until you can hear them saying it back to you. Smother them with kisses and hug them tight. Feel their heart beating next to yours. Feel their tears running down your cheek.

Now, as gently as you can, let them go and whisper, “Goodbye.”

Open your eyes.

Larry Carlat - blog, book, website