Not all friendships are fully mutual, and sometimes, that's not OK. Key points One-sided contact, exhaustion, or constant excuse-making can signal an imbalanced friendship. Perceived partner responsiveness makes friendships mutually rewarding, boosting trust and well-being. Reciprocity matters: One-sided sharing or dismissive responses erode friendship quality over time. Pulling back briefly or naming the imbalance directly can clarify a friendship's true state. Mother giving daughter a hug. Think back over the important friendships you’ve had, and lost, over the years. It’s probably easy to remember the ones that ended after a betrayal or a falling-out; similarly, you might recall the ones that just drifted away as your circumstances changed. But what about friendships that just don’t feel the same anymore? Those that were once rewarding, but now feel like a drain on your energy, or a loss of the person you once liked? In these relationships, there may have been no dramatic shift, but instead, just a gradual devolution of the time you spend together. Maybe you find yourself doing all the calling, all the scheduling, all the showing-up. Maybe your text threads are mostly made up of stuff you’ve sent to them, without many replies. Psychological research has identified what you're feeling; some psychologists call it an asymmetrical relationship, while others talk about unequal emotional labor, or the over-functioning/under-functioning dynamic. The work you put into a friendship is called maintenance, and in these cases, there’s a serious imbalance. As you’d imagine, friendships thrive when both parties feel understood and validated, as though their friend is trying to keep them happy and well—a phenomenon known as perceived partner responsiveness (Reis et al., 2004)—which functions the same way with romantic partners, family relationships, and other social bonds. A subsequent study by Reis (2012) linked partner responsiveness to greater relationship satisfaction, greater levels of trust, better ability to recover from conflicts, higher psychological well-being, and even better physical health in both parties. Friendship, the research says, is good for you—especially when both friends put in enough effort. Naturally, not all healthy friendships must show a perfect 50/50 division of investment; Research by Blieszner and Adams (1992) suggests that friendships can move through phases—that closeness fluctuates over time. This means periods of imbalance can be normal, in any relationship. But if you’re starting to wonder if your friend isn’t offering you enough to sustain the relationship between you, here are five signs to look for. 1. I always text them. They never reach out to me. Social exchange theory (Emerson, 1976) holds that people implicitly evaluate the perceived costs and rewards of relationships, and that sustained imbalance erodes satisfaction over time. In other words, frequent, one-directional contact is one of the clearest behavioral markers of asymmetrical levels of investment. Rawlins (1992), in a book about friendships, argued that because they’re voluntary, mutual maintenance is the only reason they survive over time. So, although true friends aren’t “keeping score,” usually both are investing enough in the friendship for each one to feel appreciated. 2. I feel worn out after we spend time together. Support from real friends is a remarkable, energy-generating, mutually beneficial connection that can leave everyone feeling appreciated and restored. When this isn’t the case, it can have profound effects: a much-cited study by Walen and Lachman (2000) found that when a friend makes too many demands, becomes frequently critical, or can’t be relied upon, the resulting “social strain” is often associated with health problems and a diminished sense of well-being. Friendships that drain you, it seems, might even be bad for your physical health—and this could even be true about friendships with people you really like. 3. They always talk about themselves. Another source of social strain is the lack of reciprocity in relationships where one person does all the sharing and the other is forced to do all the listening. As I covered last year in an article about friendship and well-being in young adults, researchers Patrascu and Vaida found that friendships without reciprocity were associated with higher levels of stress and reduced psychological health. Sharing good news and celebrating it together, known as capitalization, consistently predicts higher relationship quality and positive feelings. The opposite is, unfortunately, also true: According to Gable et al. (2004): getting passive or dismissive responses to the good news you share can eliminate these benefits and even damage your relationship. 4. I’m always making excuses for their behavior. Maybe it’s “They had a hard week,” or “My text probably got buried,” or even “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” Some of the time, you’re probably right; it’s often a good idea to give your friends the benefit of the doubt. But if this has become a long-term pattern—a cycle in which your friend’s misbehavior is followed by your rationalization—it could be a sign of something important. Over time, as you explain away this pattern of slights and minor offenses, your own explanations will probably feel less convincing. Ultimately, this can start to look like a representation of your friend’s character, not just their behavior—and at this point, the friendship will weaken. Blieszner and Adams (1992) point to this as one of the primary drivers of friendship deterioration over time. 5. If I didn’t keep up this friendship, it would disappear. In some ways, this isn’t friendship maintenance anymore; it’s people-pleasing. To quantify this phenomenon, Jack and Dill (1992) created the Silencing The Self Scale, which measured the likelihood that a person will suppress her own needs in order to maintain intimacy. Although the scale was developed and tested only on female subjects, the concepts supporting it have a lot to say about relationships in general: trying to keep one going by ignoring one’s own feelings, they found, was strongly associated with higher scores on a depression inventory. When guilt and self-suppression keep a relationship in place, the friend who’s doing that internal, psychological work pays an emotional price. What to Do About a One-Sided Friendship Ask for practical advice about a relationship like this, and you may hear a false choice: love it or leave it. But there are other ways to adjust your expectations, or to communicate your feelings about the imbalance you’ve noticed. First, consider pulling back for a while. If someone has left you with a mild but persistent feeling of neglect, taking a little break from that relationship can be telling. When you withdraw, you can watch what your friend does in response: If they’re just having a hard day, they’ll notice and respond to the distance by reaching out to you. Alternately, though, you may see that without your efforts, the relationship doesn’t function the same way. You can also try to name the problem. Avoid blaming, shaming, or accusing your friend of abandoning you; speak about your own feelings and your own choices. “I feel like I’ve been taking most of the initiative, lately, when we talk. Have you noticed that?” Whatever they say or do in response—apologize, acknowledge the distance, or become defensive—will be useful information as you consider what to do next. In truth, not every relationship can work the way you’d like it to. Friendships can be situation-related; they’ll often change over time. Some close friendships become more casual as the years go by. Quite often, this isn’t anyone’s fault, and maybe it isn’t even a loss—it can be a natural consequence of the decisions you make for other reasons. If you think this might be the case, think about the amount of investment you want to put into this relationship. Friendships, as we all know, are different from family relationships because they’re chosen, and because they’re reciprocal (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023; Blieszner & Adams, 1992). It might be painful to acknowledge but noticing a mismatch between what you're giving and what you're receiving is the first step toward growth and change. When you notice this and take corrective action—even if that means allowing a once-strong friendship to subside—you’re taking better care of yourself and making room for relationships that can sustain you better. Loren Soeiro, Ph.D., ABPP-Blog, Website

4 practical steps for moving beyond prolonged grief. Key points Prolonged Grief Disorder is an internationally recognized condition and is included in diagnostic manuals. Prolonged grief can cause significant negative impacts. Understanding the signs and symptoms of PGD and seeking help are key to recovery. Woman going through grief. Grief is the intense pain that follows a profound loss. Grieving is an unavoidable, painful, and profound reaction and process in the aftermath of the loss of someone or something deeply meaningful and loved. While we typically associate grief with the death of a loved one, we can also experience grief through other significant losses, like the loss of a job, the loss of a beloved pet, the loss of a significant relationship, a life-changing accident, or diagnosis (your own or of a loved one), and significant, definitive life-changing transitions, like the end of active parenting, when children leave the family home, retirement or the end of a career. At some point in our lives, we will all experience loss. How we process our loss can have a profound impact on our health, our relationships, and our ability to reintegrate and return to living a full and meaningful life. Grief and the grieving process In the 1960’s, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the five stages of loss, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, a framework that, over time, has been widely discussed, reframed, and revisited, with many mental health experts and researchers adding to the discussion. (Why the Five Stages of Grief are Wrong, by David B. Feldman, Ph.D., offers an excellent exploration of the limitations of Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief.) In On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, Kübler-Ross offers this poignant summation of the need for time to process loss: “We need time to move through the pain of loss. We need to step into it, really, to get to know it.” University of Arizona associate professor of clinical psychology and psychiatry Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD, who researches the range of physical and emotional responses in the aftermath of loss, characterizes the grieving process as “the way that grief changes over time without ever actually going away,” emphasizing that time is essential to processing and recovering from loss. When it comes to the grieving process, do we know when we have been grieving too long? Recognizing Prolonged Grief Disorder Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) is the latest diagnosis included in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), published in 2022, and in a number of other international diagnostic manuals. The DSM-5-TR defines "too long" as “at least a year for adults and at least 6 months for children and adolescents.” While statistics vary, a 2024 cross-national analysis of 16 countries estimates the prevalence of PGD at 5-16 percent of people experiencing grief. A PGD diagnosis, in addition to its defined timeframe, requires the ongoing presence of three of the following eight criteria for at least one month: intense emotional pain directly related to a significant loss, a persistent disbelief or difficulty in dealing with a significant loss, a loss of identity, avoidance of people, situations, and settings that trigger painful emotions, overwhelming difficulties in returning to daily routines and activities, emotional numbness, prolonged feelings of despair and hopelessness, and prolonged feelings of detachment from others, loneliness, isolation, and a loss of meaning and purpose. PGD is linked to “serious health outcomes, including increased suicide risk, cardiovascular disease, cancer, substance use, sleep problems, and chronic illness.” Furthermore, while research on the impact of PGD on the brain is relatively new, recent studies have observed “neurobiological circuitry of PGD [which] overlaps with that of anxiety and depression,” as well as macroprocesses “related to the brain’s reward system,” unique to PGD. Seeking treatment for Prolonged Grief Disorder The first step to navigating PGD for yourself or someone you love is building an awareness of its persistent and troubling signs and symptoms. If you or someone you love is struggling with loss, and stuck in recurring patterns of isolation, despair, emotional pain, and patterns of avoidance, and/or struggling to reintegrate into social situations, working life, or handle daily life tasks and responsibilities it is important to seek the help of a mental health professional who can offer evidence-based treatments, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), strategies and tools to help process grief, manage avoidance and self-isolating behaviors, reestablish daily routines, and rediscover a sense of purpose and meaning in life. It is important to understand that we are more than our losses, our traumas, and our setbacks. We need to realize that there are effective, evidence-based treatments and interventions to help individuals suffering from prolonged grief move beyond their pain. With awareness, self-compassion, and the help of a mental health professional, we can reconnect with our sense of joy and purpose and create the life we want and deserve. Four Key Steps to Moving Beyond Prolonged Grief Build an awareness around the signs and symptoms of PGD. As with any serious mental health disorder, awareness is the first step to positive change and recovery. Reflect on the persistent distressing thoughts, overwhelming feelings, choices, and behaviors that keep you stuck, isolated, and feeling hopeless and alone. Make a commitment to yourself to take positive steps to process your pain and move beyond your prolonged grief. Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are struggling with prolonged grief. (Your GP or family doctor is often a key resource and can refer you to a mental health professional.) Monica Vermani, C. Psych.-Blog, Link

Are intrusive thoughts taking over your relationship? Key points Relationship OCD involves intense obsession over one's partner or the relationship. ROCD is often frustrating and exhausting for loved ones providing continuous reassurance. Through treatment, people with ROCD learn to accept uncertainty in relationships. Partner expressing concern at partner looking at their phone. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by many themes and subtypes. Within the past decade, there has been growing acknowledgement and understanding of what is called relationship OCD, or ROCD for short. As with other forms of OCD, ROCD is characterized by intrusive, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (including mental) aimed at reducing distress that usually—and inadvertently—feeds into the obsessive cycle. While many people experience doubts about their romantic relationships, ROCD obsessions are particularly intense, troubling, and seemingly impossible to reason through. Subtypes of ROCD There are two subtypes of ROCD: Partner-focused or PF-ROCD: People with PF-ROCD are focused on their partner’s qualities. They obsess over whether their partner is the “right person” for them or whether they’re attracted to their partner. They may repetitively scrutinize their partner’s perceived attractiveness, intelligence, compatibility, and ability to get along. Relationship-centered or RCOCD: People with RCOCD focus more on the relationship itself. They obsess over whether they are in the "right relationship.” They want absolute certainty that the relationship will last—something that’s impossible to know for anyone. It’s important to note that these subtypes aren’t mutually exclusive. In my clinical experience, many people with ROCD experience both. You may notice the word “right” appears in both subtypes. That word, "right," is a common sign of the intense difficulty tolerating uncertainty that is characteristic of OCD. While ROCD frequently focuses on romantic relationships, it may also apply to other close relationships, such as those between a parent and child. For example, one client with whom I worked was obsessed with the idea that her spouse and child would both be happier without her in their lives. She had trouble being present with and enjoying their company because she constantly obsessed over whether she should leave them, because they would be better off. Common ROCD Fears There are two commonly feared outcomes in ROCD: Fear of harm to oneself: Individuals may fear they will never be happy because they are committed to the wrong person. They may worry that they will realize “too late” (e.g., in their 60s after decades of being together) that they have made a mistake and will spend the rest of their life alone. Fear of harm to the other person: Some individuals worry more about the emotional pain they would cause the other person because they had made the wrong choice. They worry that they will inevitably break up, and that because they didn't figure it out sooner, they will have wasted their partner’s time and caused them unnecessary harm. Again, an individual with OCD may experience both fears. Signs and Symptoms of ROCD Like most forms of OCD, ROCD is defined by engagement in compulsions or rituals. Some of the most common behaviors include: Checking. They engage in frequent checking of feelings that they are attracted to their partner. They look for signs that they are in the right relationship. For example, they may compare their relationship to past relationships, or to the relationships of people they know. Because we’re often not privy to what goes on in others’ relationships, it’s easy for individuals with ROCD to idealize the relationships of others while fixating on the perceived flaws in their own. Reassurance-seeking. Similar to checking, people with OCD often seek reassurance. Because people with OCD are prone to obsessive doubt, they may ask the same person the same questions multiple times. A common doubt is that they didn't describe their concerns correctly, and they think that if they provide more information, they may receive a different response. Loved ones who have been on the receiving end of compulsive reassurance are often exhausted by having to answer the same questions over and over again. Research. People may engage in compulsive internet research, spending hours reading articles such as “10 Signs You’re in the Right Relationship.” Because the behavior is compulsive, the research only serves to reinforce obsessive doubt. How ROCD Affects Relationships ROCD can place immense strain on relationships. Partners may feel: Exhausted from answering the same questions repeatedly Worn down by their partner’s ambivalence Frustrated by their partner’s inability to commit Tinella and colleagues (2023) found that ROCD improved the longer someone was in a relationship. However, even the most understanding and sympathetic partner has limits after years of indecision. One client I worked with sought treatment because their partner gave them an ultimatum: If they were unwilling to take the step of proposing marriage and becoming engaged, they would end it. This placed our therapy on a bit of a timeline! People with ROCD may also impulsively end the relationship, not because they want to, but because they hope breaking up will relieve their intense anxiety and doubt. However, this compulsive ending of the relationship is often more painful, leading to regret and attempts at reconciliation, further straining the relationship. ROCD vs. Normal Doubt Relationship doubts are normal. How do you know when it might be ROCD? Here are a few indicators: Need for certainty. Many of my non-OCD clients question whether they want to be with someone or whether they should end a relationship. However, they are able to accept the uncertainty that any relationship may end. Someone prone to ROCD seeks absolute certainty that they are in the “right” relationship, as if there is some objective benchmark, a cosmically correct decision. A sense of urgency. When we question the value of a relationship, we may take the time to patiently reflect on what we want. Someone prone to ROCD—and OCD in general—experiences a pressing need to figure it out immediately. This unnecessary urgency creates enormous stress and anxiety. Presence of compulsions. By definition, OCD involves a combination of obsessions—intrusive thoughts or feared outcomes—and compulsions, behaviors intended to neutralize and ward off fears associated with obsessions. People with ROCD engage in constant checking: that they love their partner, that their partner is compatible, and that past interactions may clarify that they are in the right relationship. They may ask for reassurance from their partner and from loved ones. However, any assurance they receive is never enough. They may spend hours reading articles about relationships, hoping knowledge will provide the certainty they seek. However, these compulsions only reinforce the OCD cycle. Hyperfocus on flaws. People with PF-ROCD may fixate on perceived flaws or imperfections in their partner. Are they attractive enough? Is their partner a good fit in terms of shared values, intelligence, or ability to contribute to the household, whether that’s financial or through household chores? Treating ROCD As I’ve written in other blog posts, the treatment for OCD with the most research support is exposure and response (or ritual) prevention (ERP). Through repeated exposure to their fears, people with ROCD learned to: Be present with anxiety while choosing not to engage in compulsions. Accept that they can never be 100 percent sure that they’ve chosen the “right” person. Get in touch with their own feelings, intuition, and judgment about the other person. They may realize that deep down, they’re happier than not with their partner, in their relationship, and trust that if there are problems down the road, they can handle them. Through ERP, people learn to reconnect with what they value, with how they feel about their loved one, and to accept that absolute certainty in relationships is not possible. Final Thoughts Relationship OCD is deeply painful—not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner as well. ROCD isn’t about the relationship itself, though—it’s about how the individual relates to uncertainty. With ERP and new cognitive behavior treatments such as acceptance and commitment therapy, it’s possible to break free from the cycle of doubt and build a relationship based not on certainty but on choosing to be with someone because they care about them, getting in touch with what they value, and accepting that no partner is perfect. Brian Thompson, Ph.D.-Blog

How emotional, physical, and intuitive parts guide donor selection. Key points Choosing a donor isn’t just logical; it’s emotional, physical, and deeply personal. One woman’s experience highlights how various part of ourselves shape the selection process. When fear softens and all parts are heard, the clearest and kindest choice can emerge. A smiling couple during a consultation meeting. Olivia opened her email to find five egg donor profiles the agency thought would be a suitable match. It was a slightly surreal experience for her—somewhere between a dating app and the unsettling feeling of selecting the “best” genetic profile—a modern version of survival of the fittest, something straight out of The Hunger Games. Each profile came with pages of information, and some included short videos. It was a flood of facts—but how do you make a life-altering decision based on a two-dimensional paper version of a person? Where do you even begin? We Think We’re Just Choosing Based on Facts Most people believe that they’ll choose based on logic, by finding someone who makes sense on paper and is “like us.” Someone within the genetic “wheelhouse” of our family, with the right statistics, a similar academic background, or perhaps someone who shares values or life experiences that feel familiar or comforting. That’s how we believe we’ll know who’s right. The Truth Is, We Choose With More Than Logic The truth is, as always, complex. While the process may start with facts and figures, those aren't necessarily what lead us to a decision. Olivia ultimately settled on two egg donor profiles with which she felt a deep connection. Both women had similar features to hers. One played the same musical instrument. One had even attended her alma mater. These were traits that mattered to her, not just logically, but emotionally and symbolically. To double-check, Olivia had even connected with each donor over video. But things didn’t go as planned. The first donor didn’t pass the psychological evaluation. The second seemed unreliable, frequently rescheduling appointments, and was unable to make herself consistently available for key steps in the process. Eventually, both cycles stopped before they even started. Olivia felt hurt, confused, and disillusioned—not only by the outcomes, but by how intensely painful the losses felt. Since these events occurred one after the other, Olivia started to unpack what she might be missing in the donor selection process. In therapy, she began exploring what part of her was doing the choosing—and why. She started to see how love, fear, her body, and her self-protective system were all shaping her decisions. When the Self-Protector Takes Over Most of all, Olivia began to recognize her self-protector system. She noticed how she would pore over every tiny detail of a donor’s profile, overanalyzing their traits and qualifications. Her logical brain worked overtime. But why read and reread the same information? It’s not as if the facts had changed. What was she looking for? Double- and triple-checking became her way of trying to control the uncontrollable—an attempt to avoid future regret in an emotionally high-stakes situation. The result? Analysis paralysis. Over time, she developed more self-compassion and began to see that this pattern wasn’t random. These reactions had been shaped by old grief and trauma. She suffered from hindsight bias. What if she was wrong? Initially, her protector had been running the show. But when Olivia slowed down, she realized there were other parts of her trying to speak—parts she had pushed away and silenced. She likened it to a phrase she used to dismiss her little sister with when they were growing up: “You know nothing!” Except this time, she was saying it to all the other parts of herself she had been unintentionally ignoring. The Heart In traditional Eastern traditions, the heart is seen as the home to inner knowing. It seeks love, connection, and authenticity (Maciocia, G., 2015). In Olivia’s case, her mind was scanning profiles for something that felt like her. She was chasing sameness. Something that said, this could have come from me. But in her relentless search, she had been ignoring her heart. Sameness and connection aren’t the same thing. Sameness is about matching. It’s the comfort the mind reaches for in moments of fear, but connection doesn’t need genetic replication to be real. It grows with safety and love. Olivia was initially scared to let go of the search for sameness. She had been raised in a culture that celebrates resemblance: “Oh, the baby looks just like you!” Those words meant proof of connection, of being a real family. Letting go of that idea felt risky. But over time, she began to quiet those voices and create space for a different kind of path where connection didn’t have to look a certain way to be real. She began to grieve and realize that if her heart was to be included in the search, donors she had overlooked became options. The Body As Olivia started to focus inward, she inevitably noticed her body more. Way before her mind or her protector system reacted, her body had already responded. Tightness in her chest, a lump in her throat when reading a donor’s essay. Her physical sensations weren’t just symptoms of stress; they were messengers. She had focused so heavily on mental analysis to make the “right” choice that she ignored physical cues. For example, when she read one donor’s statement, she felt her stomach drop. It was a sensation she brushed off as nerves. Instead of pausing to explore that reaction, she overrode it with logic: She looks like me, she has a great education, she checks all the boxes. In another case, Olivia had an expansive feeling in her chest while reading a profile. Something about the donor’s tone felt good. But because the donor didn’t have the same level of academic achievement, Olivia dismissed the connection. To better use her body cues, Olivia had to slow down and notice how her body responded without rationalizing it. By not assuming every sensation was fear, Olivia noticed it became one of the most trustworthy places to begin. The Higher Self Underneath all the noise—her racing thoughts, her grief, her need to feel in control—Olivia started to sense a quieter part of herself that was calm, not afraid. We called this her higher self. It asked different kinds of questions: Am I choosing out of fear or love? Does this feel true to who I am as a person? The more Olivia quieted her thoughts with meditation, the more her inner wisdom came forward. The decisions didn’t suddenly become easy, but they did feel more honest. When All Parts Communicate At first, all of Olivia’s inner parts were pulling in different directions. It stirred up her entire emotional world. And that’s true for many people. This isn’t just about picking someone from a list. The mind, heart, body, and higher self all influence how we process information, each offering wisdom while also revealing our vulnerabilities and challenges. It took time for Olivia to bring these parts into dialogue with each other. But her most grounded choice came when her fear was acknowledged and balanced with compassion, body awareness, and emotional clarity. What did she notice? She felt happy—and finally, genuinely excited to move forward. Fenella Das Gupta, Ph.D., MFT

You can eliminate anxiety on your own by doing three simple activities. Key points Anxiety is a real disorder and should not be minimized. Despite professional efforts, the prevalence of anxiety is increasing. Anxiety has an evolutionary-survival component. You can minimize or eliminate anxiety by using three strategies. A person holding their forehead, appearing stressed or tired. Anxiety is coming out of the closet, openly discussed and acknowledged by celebrities like Oprah, Lady Gaga, Steven Colbert, and a long list of other famous people. Almost every week, you can read a “me also” admission from someone you think shouldn’t suffer from this emotion. Surprisingly, an increased awareness of the effects of anxiety has done little to reduce its prevalence. According to the National Institute of Health, 20 percent of adults suffer from anxiety, and the figure keeps rising. That translates to more than 40 million adults in the United States. Big numbers for an emotion whose effects we often minimize. What is Anxiety? Anxiety, according to the American Psychological Association, is “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.” Although it is one of the most common conditions that should benefit from intervention, psychologists report that it is undertreated because of efficacy, cost, lack of personnel, or social acceptance. While traditional therapy for anxiety should not be abandoned—it is effective for many—it may be time to try a new approach, one based on neuroscience. Neuroscience has taught us that an emotionally significant event in the present can trigger other similar memories, especially if it is negative. PTSD is one extreme example. While the retrieved memories may not accurately reflect the events, they bring to your consciousness the emotions you felt when the event was experienced. How the Brain Is Wired to Create Anxiety and Negativity Our brains largely determine how we structure and react to the world. Psychologists might insist that everything we do is based on the brain's workings, from knowing not to put fingers into a flame to the love we feel for a new puppy. Some evolutionary biologists argue that the brain’s creation of anxiety had a survival value when velociraptors contemplated making our ancestors lunch. Their anxiety resulted from information stored as memories (human-eating animals hide in bushes) and speculation of the future (a human-eating animal may be hiding in the shaking bush in front of me). Although anxiety may have lost much of its survival value, the brain still regurgitates negative memories as if dinosaurs lurk behind skyscrapers. For example, you may become anxious when a disreputable candidate gains momentum because of what they did in the past (stored information) coupled with speculation about what they might do if elected (unknown information). Connecting a present negative situation with similar negative ones you stored, and ones you anticipate often leads to anxiety and, in some severe cases, depression. If your traditional therapy hasn’t worked, you can’t find a competent professional, or you don’t have the money for counseling, here are three strategies you can immediately use to reduce your anxiety. Each is designed to break the bond between the present and past negative memories. Three Behavioral Strategies What are behavioral strategies? Simply ways of affecting change, attitudes or behaviors, by understanding how the brain works. Prioritizing. In A Year to Live, Steven Levine asks readers to prioritize their behaviors for one year if they knew it was their last. The brain loves this type of activity—even if the heart finds it uncomfortable—since it involves categorizing, a primary part of efficient and unemotional thinking. I’ve asked clients to do this exercise but changed the timeframe to 24 hours. After resisting, they were amazed at how their attitudes changed. Given a time constraint, they realized what they thought was important was irrelevant. No one ever listed “work” or "fretting" as a priority. Most lists contained only specific behaviors that “made a difference” to them or someone close. Do Three Positive Things Every Day. Many people do not realize that when the brain engages in one significant negative thought, it establishes connections with other negative thoughts. As negative thoughts make connections and accumulate, anxiety may develop. It is possible to break the synaptic connections by doing something positive that gives you great pleasure. Playing a musical instrument, sculpting, writing, cooking, and basically, anything you find pleasurable. Three is an arbitrary number I’ve used successfully with clients, but choose whatever is doable. You may not be able to eliminate anxiety, but you can dull its effects. Simulations. Simulations are creations of situations that closely correspond to reality. For example, if you fear that you will eventually lose your sight, create a situation in which you will experience what it is like not to see. Put on a blindfold in your house for an hour, either alone or with someone who can protect you. With repeated simulations, the memory of what it felt like to be blind gets stored in your brain, and when your vision fails, the emotional impact of the change will be less than if you had not prepared for blindness. I have routinely used this activity with clients who are beginning to experience dementia. The Takeaway We can’t control all aspects of our lives that create anxiety. Cancer may develop even if your foods are organic. Partners may leave after you do everything to please them. Jobs may be lost to China despite your commitment to the company. Your favorite candidate may lose even though you donated money and knocked on doors. These and other situations can create anxiety if we ignore the brain’s hardwiring. However, anxiety can be reduced by using three behavioral strategies: prioritization, engaging in positive activities, and simulations. Stan Goldberg, Ph.D.-Blog

Neuroscience finds that divorce can be a trauma for children and adults alike. Key points Divorce can trigger lasting trauma in children, teens, adult children, and spouses. Neuroscience reveals how stress from divorce reshapes the brain and emotional health. Trauma-informed therapy and support can help the brain recover from divorce-related trauma. Illustration of a human brain with a highlighted glowing region Divorce is often framed as a legal and emotional disruption. Mounting evidence from neuroscience reveals it may also qualify as a traumatic event, especially for children but also for adults. From a neurological perspective, trauma occurs when the brain becomes overwhelmed and unable to process or recover from a disturbing event. Divorce, especially when sudden or high in conflict, can activate the brain’s stress systems in powerful and long-lasting ways. The Developing Brain Under Stress Children are especially vulnerable to disruptions in their caregiving environment. During childhood, the brain is highly "plastic," meaning that experiences, both positive and negative, can profoundly shape it. Divorce involving high conflict can expose children to persistent stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child identifies this as “toxic stress,” which can impair the development of brain systems needed for emotional regulation, attention, and decision-making. Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) studies show that children living with chronic conflict may develop anxiety, emotional instability, or behavioral challenges later in life. Adolescents: Becoming Their Future Selves Teens going through parental divorce face particular neurological risks. Their brains are still developing in areas related to identity, emotion, and social relationships. Imaging studies suggest they are susceptible to social stress and rejection, which can result in increased anxiety, withdrawal, and depression. Adolescents are also more cognitively advanced, making them more likely to internalize a divorce. They may blame themselves or form unhealthy beliefs about relationships, trust, or love, which can shape their future emotional lives. Adult Children of Divorce: A Silent Struggle Contrary to popular belief, adult children are not immune to the emotional impact of divorce and feel isolated in their loss and grief. Even after leaving home a sudden split in the family can shake their sense of security and identity. Emotional pain tied to family breakdowns can activate old stress patterns in the brain, especially if there are lingering tensions between parents, adult children, and extended family members. Brain studies have shown that revisiting painful family memories can stir activity in the same regions involved in rumination and depression. This suggests that unresolved feelings about parental divorce can leave deep emotional and neurological traces years later. Divorcing Adults: Trauma in Real Time Divorce is often traumatic for adults as well. Feelings of rejection, shame, or failure can activate the brain regions responsible for processing social pain. This explains why heartbreak often feels physically painful. In cases of betrayal, legal battles, or prolonged conflict, the brain and body can become stuck in a state of chronic stress. Over time, this may lead to problems with memory, emotional regulation, and increased vulnerability to future trauma. Healing the Traumatized Brain The good news is that neuroplasticity, the brain's capacity to rewire itself, is a lifelong process. Therapeutic approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness-based stress reduction, and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) have all shown promise in helping both children and adults recover from divorce-related trauma. These interventions can help recalibrate the brain's stress response systems, rebuild emotional regulation circuits, and foster a renewed sense of security. Healing from the Trauma of Divorce Is Possible Divorce is not merely a legal and psychological stressor. It's a neurobiological event that can reshape how the brain processes stress, emotion, and relationships across the lifespan. Understanding divorce through the lens of neuroscience and treating it as a legitimate form of trauma opens the door to more compassionate care and science-based paths to healing, which may be long and certainly possible. Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT-Blog, Book

The science-backed benefits of forgiveness. Key points Forgiveness is both a choice and a process. Forgiveness offers a path to improved health, happiness, and well-being. Letting go of past hurt and harm frees us from pain and resentment. A person gazes thoughtfully with a blurred reflection. To err is human, to forgive divine. These words, penned by 18th-century poet Alexander Pope, remind us that while everyone makes mistakes, forgiveness stands tall as a powerful choice. When it comes to causing and receiving hurt and harm, most of us have been on both sides of the fence. Intentionally or otherwise, we have been hurt and have hurt others. Moreover, most of us view forgiveness as a selfless act, something we extend to those who have wronged us. But the act of forgiveness is far more complex and nuanced, involving a process of acknowledging and letting go of anger and pain that sets in motion a host of benefits. The research-based benefits of letting go Holding on to past hurts, failures, disappointments, and painful experiences sustains anger and increases the risk of negative health outcomes, including heart disease. Choosing forgiveness can help improve blood pressure and cholesterol, reduce the risk of heart attack, diminish pain levels, and improve sleep. It is also associated with positive aging and the supportive role of close social relationships in promoting longevity. A 2020 study, using longitudinal data from more than 100,000 participants in The Nurses' Health Study II, which began in 1989, examined the physical and mental health benefits of forgiveness in a cohort of nurses aged 43 to 64 years. The study concluded that “forgiveness is positively associated with multiple indicators of psychosocial and mental health.” A recent Harvard study of the benefits of forgiveness found that it benefits mental health by reducing anxiety and depression. According to Tyler VanderWeele, study co-author and co-director of the Initiative on Health, Spirituality, and Religion at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, forgiveness can also “lead to restored relationships, bringing happiness, satisfaction, and social support.” Stuck in our stories As human beings, we learn from our experiences and often hold on tight to our painful lessons as a means of preventing us from repeating past mistakes, missteps, and painful experiences. In short, this leaves us ruminating on past experiences, holding on to painful grudges, and forecasting imagined worst-case scenarios to come. Life is a series of experiences, which we label as positive or negative. From both our negative and positive experiences, we learn and grow. It is important that we learn to process our pain and let go of the stories that keep us stuck in fear, low self-esteem, and low courage. The power of letting go We can, instead of remaining stuck in our negative stories, choose to let go. Through the process of forgiveness, we can acknowledge the lessons learned from our painful experiences and, with these lessons, build strength, resilience, and compassion for ourselves and others. Today, the mental and physical health benefits of forgiveness are increasingly clear and compelling. Forgiveness is a vital process that frees us from pain and resentment and opens the way to healing and personal growth. We’re here to live our lives authentically and fully. Forgiveness offers a path to health, happiness, and well-being. 7 steps to forgiveness At times, we struggle with forgiveness, knowing how to let go, and where to start. It is important to understand that forgiveness is more than a choice; it’s also a process. Here are seven steps to guide you along the process—or path—to forgiveness: Identify a painful event or situation that continues to cause you hurt and harm. Examine the story of this painful event or situation in full. Bear in mind that the story involving someone who has caused you harm rarely begins on a negative front. Remember your shared story in full, including both positive and negative impacts and outcomes. Acknowledge both the positive and negative aspects of the other person or people in this story. Take stock of the negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs you hold onto as a result of remaining stuck in a state of resentment, disappointment, and anger Consider your role in this story with self-compassion. Did a lack of healthy personal boundaries or failure to stand up for yourself contribute to the negative outcome? Reflect on the role you played in this painful story. Decide to move forward in forgiveness. Remember that forgiving does not mean forgetting or letting go of the lessons you’ve learned. Neither does it mean condoning abusive, thoughtless, or unkind treatment, or reconnecting with the person or people who have done you wrong. Write your story down. Imagine writing a letter to the person or people you wish to forgive. Describe your experience in full. Write about the lingering hurt and harm, what this experience has taught you, and how you have grown. End with a concluding statement that forgives both the other person and yourself. (Once you’ve completed your written account or "letter," you can decide what to do with it. You need not share it, keep it around, or send it to the person who harmed you!) Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are feeling overwhelmed and struggling to forgive past hurts. A therapist can help process pain, develop self-compassion, and resilience. Monica Vermani, C. Psych.-Blog

Here's a cognitive behavioral technique to use to manage imposter syndrome. Key points Imposter syndrome (IS) is experienced by 62% of people, according to a large survey. The higher your level of education, the more likely you are to experience IS. A cognitive behavior technique can help people manage IS. Because IS is so common, mention of the condition can be used to increase trust with subordinates. A person crouched in office hallway, appearing stressed and overwhelmed. Imposter syndrome (IS) is a persistent inability to attribute one’s achievements to personal merit. Success is wholly or partially attributed to luck or other external factors. (Salari, 2025). Although IS was once thought to be a gender issue, recent research suggests that both sexes experience the condition. Males are less likely to discuss it openly. (Vitoria, 2020). Salari and his research team recently reviewed 30 different studies on IS with a total sample size of 11, 483 people. They found that 62% experienced the syndrome at some point. The probability of experiencing IS increased with years of formal education. (Salari, 2025). IS can inhibit people from making contributions. Nevertheless, leaders can harness it to increase trust. Why Pay Attention to IS? Individuals with IS are less likely to volunteer answers than their peers. They are less likely to volunteer for experiences that would advance their careers but risk public failure. There is no cure for IS, but there are ways to manage it. Step one is to respect the empirical research: If you experience IS, acknowledge that you are in good company. Sixty-two percent of workers experience it. You are not alone. IS is common among all types of professionals, especially among physicians and CEOs (Sheykhangafshe et al.) Cognitive behavioral therapy has been effective in treating the IS of medical professionals (Sheykhangafshe et al, 2024). One especially helpful cognitive behavioral technique is to reframe success/failure. Most professionals tend to view success/failure as a binary concept: If you didn’t totally succeed, then you are a failure. Think about your previous visit to your primary care provider. You probably saw a chart on a wall with a level of pain from 0 (no pain) to 10 (intolerable). Asking a patient, “Are you in pain?” is a binary question. Alternatively, asking a patient, “On a scale of 0 to 10, what is your level of pain?” turns it into an ordinal problem. Which question helps your care provider be more effective in managing your pain? Consider framing success and failure as ordinal concepts, ranging from 0 to 10. A “0” stands for “total calamity.” A “10” stands for “total success.” A secondary ordinal scale might involve your perception of the impact your behavior had on the success outcome. The scale might range from 0 (bystander) to 10 (could not happen without me). How to Use IS to Build Trust. The AI paradox declares that as the use of artificial intelligence increases, it reduces the relative value of analytical and technical competence. With increasing use, AI is fueling skepticism among people about what they read and see on screens. However, perceived personal and institutional trust takes on a higher value as AI use grows. During a one-on-one meeting with a subordinate, consider admitting that you, too, suffered from IS when you were at the age/experience level of the subordinate. Admit that as you have gained experience and success, IS has abated but perhaps never entirely disappeared. Frame the disclosure in words that you are comfortable with. The key idea is to normalize IS. Admitting to having IS increases that subordinate’s trust in you. It also reduces the subordinates’ sense of isolation. Because impostor syndrome is so common among men and women, it can be reliably used as a way to increase perceived trust. Laurence J. Stybel Ed.D. -Blog

How our conceptualizations of ADHD and BPD have changed and intertwined. Key points ADHD and BPD share many symptoms that often are expressed together. We have developed understanding of disorders that were not conceived of four decades ago. When either ADHD or BPD is recognized, it may be prudent to look for possible evidence of the other. Two overlapping human head silhouettes, symbolizing dual perspectives or mental health. Before 1980 and the publication of the DSM-III, neither the diagnosis of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) nor the conceptualization of borderline personality disorder (BPD) existed. What would now be considered ADHD was then defined as “hyperkinetic reaction” (sometimes referred to as “minimal brain dysfunction” or other similar terms). It was estimated to exist in around 3 percent of children and adolescents and then magically vanished; adults could not qualify for the diagnosis. At that time, there was no formal psychiatric equivalent to what we describe as BPD, although other personality disorders were defined. Over the ensuing decades, our understanding of these behaviors has undergone significant reassessment. Defining characteristics of ADHD are now more refined and descriptive in the DSM-5. Prevalence is now estimated to be closer to 10 percent of children and adolescents, and the condition is now diagnosed in adults at increasing rates. Similarly, in 1980, many clinicians did not “believe in” the diagnosis of BPD, considering it to be an offshoot of bipolar disorder or an aberrance that did not exist as a separate illness. Although the formal defining characteristics of BPD have changed little in the last forty years, biological and genetic observations have reified the distinctiveness of the diagnosis. These two orphan diagnoses have now been adopted into a tribe in which they share a kind of kinship. ADHD and BPD can exhibit many common symptoms, including moodiness, impulsivity, anger outbursts, disorganization, vulnerability to substance abuse, attention-drawing behavior, impaired social functioning, and a tendency to be easily bored. Comorbidity is common. Although research data vary significantly,1 one national epidemiological study determined that the lifetime comorbidity of BPD in the ADHD population was 33.7 percent.2 ADHD and BPD each have significant hereditary features. Studies indicate that 40 to 50 percent of children with ADHD have at least one parent with the disorder. There is also strong hereditary penetration among family members of BPD patients, though it is not as large as that seen in ADHD. Environmental factors play a stronger role in the emergence of BPD symptoms. Children with ADHD behavior may be more likely to be bullied or traumatized in many ways. Other children may ridicule them and parents may be frustrated with them. Abuse is often detected in the history of BPD patients. Some researchers hypothesize that children with ADHD may therefore be more vulnerable to developing BPD. An individual is not a diagnosis. We are all a combination of genetic potentials and happenstance, emotions, and behavioral reactions. As our understanding of the human condition continues to be refined, prejudices against those whose struggles in our world are more overt will diminish. Jerold Kreisman, M.D.-Blog

Screens significantly suppress production of melatonin in teens. Key points Many factors are related to teens getting insufficient sleep. Teens are heavy users of smartphones and social media. Use of self-luminous devices at night suppresses melatonin, delaying sleep onset. Reducing screen time at night will help teens get more sleep and improve ability to focus attention in school. It is widely acknowledged that most adolescents do not get sufficient sleep, leading to lowered emotional regulation, compromised cognitive and academic functioning, and health problems. Many primary causes have been proposed by sleep researchers. Teen on her electronic device Poor sleep hygiene has been proposed, meaning behaviors such as irregular bedtimes, not adhering to a consistent calming bedtime routine, failing to ensure a dark, quiet, cool sleep environment, and consuming caffeinated beverages. For some adolescents, structural aspects of the home and neighborhood environment are not conductive to good sleep. Noise levels inside and outside the house are hard for adolescents to control as are ambient temperature and humidity. Stress deriving from family conflict, peer conflict, bullying, feeling left out, and discrimination have all been linked to poor sleep. Lack of parental monitoring and regulation of sleep habits have been proposed as problems. Many argue that early school start times do not provide enough time to get sufficient sleep. All of these are no doubt involved in combination to some degree for most teens. But of all the causes of poor sleep, there is one that I have come to believe may be the biggest cause – use of smartphones, computers, tablets, gaming devices, and TV not only during the day, but in the evening. The Pew Research Center estimates that around 95% of American teenagers have a smartphone, 90% have access to a desktop or laptop computer, and 80% or more have access to a gaming device. More than half report that they are on their phones “constantly” and estimates are that the average time of use is more than five hours daily. Around 40% report using phones eight or more hours daily. Many teens use social media in the evening before going to sleep and a substantial number do not silence their phones at night, leading to wake-ups after going to sleep. Much has been made of the fact that after puberty, melatonin release is delayed such that most adolescents become “night owls” and cannot go to sleep until late evening. In fact, this is the primary basis for the nationwide movement to start schools later. While there is much evidence for this developmental sleep phase delay, it is also true that excessive evening screen use suppresses melatonin production. One experimental study conducted in the homes of adolescents showed that even one hour of screen use suppressed melatonin by 23%. Two hours of use, the maximum screen time tested in the study, reduced it by 38%. The authors compared the results with previous studies they had done with adults (mean age 28 yrs) and found that the adolescents were more sensitive than adults to screen light (Figueiro & Overington, 2016). Beyond the fact that screen use consumes times during hours available for sleep, there is a biological basis for screen usage leading to compromised sleep. The good news is that some research suggests that reducing screen time can lead to earlier sleep onset and longer sleep. Perrault and colleagues (2019) conducted a study of over 500 12- to 19-year-old adolescents who were given instruction about how screens are detrimental to sleep. Half of the adolescents were asked to reduce screen time after 9:00 PM for two weeks and were compared with a control group who did not receive the intervention. Sleep data were collected with actigraphy, and participants came to a lab to complete surveys, have melatonin levels measured, and perform a sustained attention task. Those in the experimental group had earlier sleep onset times and longer sleep duration times than those in the control group. They also performed significantly better on the attention task. Granted, results like these are not accomplished easily. Many parents are not willing or able to enforce rules about evening screen time. Many adolescents are, no doubt, unwilling to even try reducing screen time. But the parents and adolescents who are willing and able to do so are likely to see important benefits. I hasten to add that manufacturers and providers of devices and social media platforms bear some responsibility for the unintended negative consequences of what they sell. They should be held accountable to create some technological solutions to the problems they have helped to create. Further, they should be funding education programs and intervention projects to mitigate harm. Joseph A. Buckhalt, Ph.D.-Blog

Let’s address two instances of ineffective couples therapy. Key points People usually approach couples therapy as a last resort to salvage their deteriorating relationship. A primary reason for failure in therapy lies in the attempt to resolve big and complex questions on the spot. One of the most difficult challenges a couples therapist faces is resisting the couple’s haste. A couple in a therapy session, expressing concern and discussing issues with a counselor. Usually, people approach couples therapy as a last resort to salvage their relationship that has been deteriorating for 2 to 3 years, according to research.1 Yet, many leave without tangible results. While the therapist you’ve chosen might not be a good fit, there might also be things that aren’t about the therapist, their treatment approach, or their experience, so you can influence them to make therapy more successful and efficient. Let me share with you the two instances of when couples therapy is bound to fail, why, and what you can do about it. 1. Posing too general or grand questions A primary reason for failure in therapy lies in the attempt to resolve big and complex questions on the spot. Every couple (every individual as well) enters therapy with the sincere desire to be happier, improve their communication, and reduce anxiety and stress. This is pretty universal. Then, having made this initial, and no doubt, very important step, they expect a miracle. This instance of magical thinking, when one expects to get results just because they came to therapy, saps the process. Coming to therapy is a beginning, but it’s just the start of the process. It is accompanied by a dialogue between the partners and with the therapist, and inevitably with resistance on the clients’ side, because—let’s face it—changes are difficult. And so is talking about things that make one angry, sad, ashamed, guilty, or unsatisfied. Therapeutic work with couples, to a higher degree than with individuals, consists of addressing specific examples of miscommunication, the concrete instances of being unhappy, of feeling disappointment, of being angry, and so on. The study by Snyder et al., which included 55 couples who took therapy, found that deficient problem-solving communication predicted poorer outcomes and even divorce at follow-up, thus indicating that concrete problems need to be addressed.2 Therefore, to effectively deal with grand, profound questions of happiness, stress reduction, or anxiety management requires moving beyond abstract desires for better communication or to feel better. It demands a meticulous examination of specific life examples. A general wish to communicate better holds little power unless it is grounded in the particular moment from last Tuesday, when a comment about household chores escalated into a silent dinner. That’s why many couples are disappointed at the beginning of therapy, as they are already tired of (unsuccessfully) talking about these small issues between themselves, and now they need to share them in therapy, too, whereas they would like to jump to something bigger. However, this is the way, as therapy fails when it remains in the realm of generalities. 2. Rushing Most couples coming to therapy, especially for the first time, prefer to do it fast. They tend to think that fast is efficient. While milder issues can be dealt with quickly, the accumulated psychological, emotional, or communication difficulties cannot be resolved quickly. Oftentimes, couples come with underlying conflicts that are not visible immediately. For instance, a couple may present a conflict about finances, and in their urgency to find a solution, they may become fixated on a budget without ever exploring the deeper meanings they each assign to money. One partner may see financial security as a symbol of love and care, while the other may view strict budgeting as a form of control. So, the underlying conflict is not about money; it’s about love and control. Until they understand it, the conflict will migrate to a different realm of life, remaining unresolved. To help the couples in their relationship, the underlying issues need to be identified, communication styles need to be adjusted, expectations need to be established, disappointments need to be made obvious and dealt with, and emotions need to be addressed—all that in order to progress. And it requires time. To complete therapy faster, partners might unconsciously resort to different emotional tactics. For instance, William Doherty writes about partners scaring one another and their therapist. “I start emotional, you start rational, I get angrier, and you get more controlled. Then I mention your mother and you blow up, which pleases me immensely.”3 The therapist feels overwhelmed with the couple's problems, gets frustrated early, and actively advises couples to separate. As a result, the couple gets their “fast” therapy—the therapist said they need to separate, and it’s certainly faster than resolving the standing couples' challenges! So, one of the most difficult challenges a couples therapist faces is resisting the couple’s haste. Playing the couple’s rush game is losing patience and showing them that they are not amenable to treatment or counseling, which is counterproductive to helping them make progress in resolving their problems. To conclude: Coming to therapy is a wonderful first step, but it really is just that, a beginning, a start of the real work. Your therapist can't do that work for you, and neither can they magically shorten it. Bigger, heavier problems need to be broken down into smaller pieces. Tackling those smaller issues, one session at a time, on a regular basis, that's what leads to steady, real progress. Boris Herzberg-Blog

Personal Perspective: The negative bias that accompanies depression can be addressed. Key points A bias toward negativity is a clinical marker of depression. This may result in increased complaining, which can impede social functioning. Conscious positivity can help balance out unwanted negativity bias. Woman looking out the window I’ve battled severe depression for as long as I can remember, all the way back to the allegedly sunny days of my childhood. Thanks to meds and therapy and supportive friends and a host of other resources, I don’t suffer now the way I used to. I can safely say I’m actively in recovery. But I can’t say I remain untouched. Years of depression have clearly left their mark on me—most notably in the negativity I carry around with me like a security blanket. Numerous boyfriends along the way have called me out on my frequent observations about both the major and the minuscule deficits of life. “Terri, do you always have to see the downside of everything?” they’ve asked. Fortunately, some of my complaining passes as black humor, which has helped me salvage my relationships. But I’ll be the first to admit that I do see through a glass, darkly. It feels so engrained in me, this mindset, that I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to bring other people—or myself, for that matter—down; but my negative interpretations of life seem to pervade my reasoning no matter how hard I try to fight them. I know I’m not alone in this. In fact, one clinical journal rather poetically referred to this so-called “negative interpretation bias” as “both a clinical marker and a scar of depression.” Behavior Research and Therapy, Volume 163, 104276 (2023). This makes perfect sense to me. Despite my current stability, my mind bears the stigmata of prolonged adversity. A recent Nature article backs this up. It explains, “Depression is associated with a cognitive bias towards negative information and away from positive information. This biased emotion processing may underlie core depression symptoms, including persistent feelings of sadness and a reduced capacity to experience pleasure. The neural mechanisms responsible for this biased emotion processing remain unknown...” Nat. Mental Health 2, 583–592 (2024). So maybe negativity bias is a scar that I can’t entirely get rid of—but its external appearance can certainly be softened. I know, as I said, that I complain too much. If you’ve struggled with depression for any significant period of time, maybe you do, too. But short of taking a vow of silence, what can we do about it? Plenty, it seems. Washington Post writer Katherine Kam acknowledges that a certain amount of negativity bias is primal—to survive as a species, we can’t afford to ignore threats. It will always be safer to look out for a lurking tiger than to enjoy a pretty sunset. But if we can’t rid ourselves of negativity altogether, experts recommend that we try to balance it with “conscious positivity.” To be consciously positive, you have to first notice, without judgment, that you’re moving into complaint mode. Once you do, try ramping up gratitude; it’s almost impossible, I’ve found, to be both depressed and grateful at the same time. Or you can attempt to distract yourself and fool your mood with something overtly pleasurable (although this may not work in the depths of depression). In short, actively seek out something to smile about—even if the smile feels forced. According to Allyson Pimentel of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, “Modern science shows that even artificial smiling can activate neural pathways to positive emotions, and release neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, as well as endorphins.” There are also ways to be a better complainer. You can modulate your vocal tone to eliminate all traces of a whine. Banish terms like “never” and “always” from your vocabulary—they’re surefire signs of cognitive distortion. And above all, try to leaven your conversation with some lighter observations. Oscar Wilde (of all people) advocated for “moderation in all things, including moderation.” No doubt that encompassed complaining. I realize my history of depression may have impacted me for life, but that doesn’t mean my scars always have to show. The smile I greet you with may be forced, but it’s a genuine attempt to regain my equanimity. And you know what? I’m finding it actually makes me feel better. As the late Vietnamese monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh so wisely observed, “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile. But sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” Terri Cheney-Blog