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Why some gay men feel alone even around others, and how to change it. For many gay men, loneliness often stems from unspoken feelings and unmet emotional needs. Hiding parts of ourselves to avoid judgment can create chronic isolation. Healing begins when we speak honestly about how we feel and let ourselves be seen. Loneliness is one of the most common issues that comes up in the work I do with gay men. Regardless of age, it’s a topic that is often talked about in therapy. Gay men's loneliness is rarely about being alone, though. More often, it’s about carrying thoughts, feelings, or experiences we do not feel safe to share. Carl Jung said, “Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” For many gay men, the challenge isn’t a lack of people—it’s not having spaces where they can show up as themselves and talk about the things that matter most to them. A lifetime, or a childhood, can pass without the chance to talk about feelings, desires, or interests—or, what’s more, without having those feelings mirrored or reflected back in any way. A 2017 article about the epidemic of loneliness among gay men, though nearly a decade old, was a required read in graduate school and continues to strike a chord among gay men today. The entire article explores a type of loneliness that many gay men continue to face. Even in spaces that are socially accepting, visibility and legal progress have not erased the experience of isolation. The article describes how loneliness often comes not from a lack of community but from the challenge of being truly known. The work of coming out can bring freedom in some ways, but it does not automatically lead to connection. Loneliness often manifests subtly, even for those of us who appear confident. Some respond to years of not feeling seen by withdrawing, keeping relationships at a surface level, or overcompensating to fit perceived expectations. Others feel an internal tension, a sense that no one could fully understand their experience, which can affect self-esteem and create hesitancy around intimacy. For those who have experienced rejection, bullying, or family disapproval, loneliness can feel like a shadow that follows them even around supportive people, in settings that are meant to be accepting—like being in a room full of people yet still feeling alone. Part of what makes this type of loneliness so persistent is the mismatch between internal reality and external expression. Many gay men have learned to hide parts of themselves to protect against judgment or exclusion. The cost of protection in adulthood is a chronic sense of isolation, even when they are “out” and visible. A client, who is an openly gay man in Los Angeles, where I practice, recently shared in session that during a trip last week, he experienced two subtle forms of homophobia that completely caught him off guard. Echoes from his past that kicked up old defense mechanisms like shame and disconnection. Healing begins with discovering all that we’ve carried in silence. It starts by recognizing the areas of our lives where we hold back, whether out of fear, shame, or habit. Therapy, supportive friendships, chosen family, or community spaces can provide opportunities to practice sharing our lives and ourselves safely. The goal is not to perform vulnerability for approval but to allow yourself to exist fully and to test, even in small and incremental ways, what it feels like to be understood and really seen. Most importantly, healing requires turning inward, which is counter to what we’re often told societally. Nothing “out there” will resolve an inner sense of loneliness. Many gay men have internalized messages about worth, desire, and masculinity from family, society, and religion. These messages can make it feel impossible to share our true thoughts, feelings, and desires. Taking time to identify and separate our internalized expectations from our authentic selves creates space for connection to emerge. The journey inward is both practical and reflective—practical in noticing patterns and making choices to engage differently, reflective in observing the parts of ourselves that have been hidden and gradually integrating them into our lives. The good news is that we can start small—saying what matters to us with people we trust, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable at first. Noticing how it feels when someone truly hears us, or when we hear ourselves out loud for the first time. Ultimately, the path through loneliness is about learning to speak what matters most so we are no longer alone with it. This is the work of letting ourselves be seen and known for who we really are. Connection emerges not simply from being around people but from showing up in ways that those around us can witness and respond to. Healing from loneliness requires courage, self-compassion, and patience, but it also opens the possibility for a sense of belonging that is not dependent on others’ approval or acceptance, but on our willingness to inhabit our own lives fully. Chris Tompkins - Website - Blog - Book -

Keep connection strong by leading with values, setting boundaries, and more. Lead with core values, not headlines; ask curious questions to build empathy and trust. Listen more. Set clear boundaries on topics, time, and tone; pause or exit respectfully when needed. Take breaks. Protect your relationships by prioritizing connection over winning; seek shared goals and common ground. When politics heat up, your nervous system does, too. That knot in your stomach is your body’s alarm, not proof that the relationship is broken. The goal is not to avoid hard topics; it is to keep anxiety from hijacking the people who matter most. Drawing on relationship science and anxiety regulation, this guide offers practical tools to restore safety, lead with shared values, and set respectful boundaries, so you can talk politics without losing your people or yourself. Healthy relationships depend on a steady surplus of positive interactions over negative ones. Political conflict can flip that ratio fast. These eight moves help keep your body calm, the dialogue civil, and the connection intact. 1. Start With Psychological Safety Before you engage, scan your body. Tight shoulders, shallow breathing, or a sense of being judged signal "not safe." Begin with low-stakes conversation and notice the response. If you feel cornered or shamed, name what you need and set terms before going deeper. Say this: “Can we keep this curiosity-first and judgment-free? If either of us feels attacked, let’s pause and reset.” Why it helps: Safety cues such as respect, consent, and turn-taking quiet the threat system so you can think clearly and stay connected. 2. Regulate Your Body Before Your Words An anxious body produces anxious language. Keep your prefrontal cortex online with fast, portable resets. Micro resets: Inhale 4, exhale 6, three rounds. Unclench jaw, drop shoulders, plant feet. Soften your gaze to widen peripheral vision and reduce tunnel vision. Permission to pause: “I want this to go well. I am a little activated; give me 10 seconds to breathe, then I am in.” Why it helps: Longer exhales activate the parasympathetic system, lowering heart rate and reactivity, so empathy is possible. 3. Listen to Understand, Not to Convince When persuasion is the goal, bodies gear up for debate. Understanding shifts the mission from win to learn, which downregulates arousal. Curiosity prompts: “What matters most to you about this?” “What life experience shaped that view?” “So the core value for you is __; did I get that right?” Reflect back before responding. Agreement is not required; accurate understanding is. Feeling understood lowers anxiety for both people. Boundary if it turns into a fight: “I am not trying to change your mind right now. I want to see it clearly so I can respond thoughtfully.” 4. Lead With Shared Values Values are an antidote to anxiety because they re-establish common ground, safety, dignity, fairness, family, freedom, and responsibility. Name them early and often, then frame policies as different strategies to serve the same value. Bridge statements: “We both care about protecting vulnerable people, even if our solutions differ.” “We are aligned on wanting our kids safe and our community stable.” Why it helps: When identity feels respected, the conversation shifts from threat to problem-solving. 5. Speak the Language of Feelings Facts invite counterfacts; feelings invite empathy. Beneath every political stance is an emotion: fear, grief, hope, anger , or pride. Make it explicit. Swap this: “They are wrecking the economy.” For this: “I feel scared about money and how it could affect our family.” Why it helps: Emotions point to needs such as security, fairness, and belonging. Naming the needs softens defenses and keeps the dialogue human. 6. Set and Honor Clear Boundaries Boundaries are not shutdowns; they are safety rails that make connection sustainable. Decide when, where, and how long you will talk. Identify off-limits moves such as insults, raised voices, late-night debates, and social media receipts. Boundary menu: Time: “Let’s keep this to 20 minutes and check in.” Topic: “Not tonight, my anxiety is high. Rain check tomorrow?” Tone: “If we start labeling each other, I am out. Let’s keep it respectful.” Space: “I need five minutes to cool down. I will come back.” Enforce kindly and consistently. Boundaries protect the relationship and your ability to revisit the topic later. 7. Protect the Positive Ratio, on Purpose Politics should not become the soundtrack of your relationship. Intentionally stockpile positive interactions so hard talks do not dominate the story you tell about each other. Daily practices: Share one appreciation unrelated to politics. Schedule no news time together, such as walks, meals, or hobbies. Revisit what first connected you, such as shared interests, rituals, or inside jokes. Why it helps: When positives are plentiful, disagreements feel survivable. Your brain stops bracing for the next fight. 8. Limit the Anxiety Fuel and Take Clean Breaks Doomscrolling primes your nervous system for conflict, then spills into your nearest relationship. Choose a news window instead of a constant drip, and curate feeds that inform without inflaming. Personal policy: “I check the news after lunch for 20 minutes. Evenings are connection time.” Clean exits, before things blow up: “I am getting activated and do not want to say something I will regret. Let’s pause and pick this up tomorrow.” “We are looping. I respect you and want us to be good. Switching topics now.” Breaks are regulation, not avoidance. Come back when your body says "safe." If You Only Remember 3 Things Regulate first. A calm body leads to a clearer mind and kinder words. Lead with values and feelings. They lower the threat and invite empathy. Guard the ratio. Keep positives plentiful and politics contained. You do not have to abandon important conversations or yourself to stay connected with a loved one when politics come up. With safety, regulation, curiosity, and boundaries, you can talk politics without losing your people and without letting political anxiety run the show. If these strategies would help your relationship or family dynamics, reach out. You deserve calm, clarity, and connection with the people you love. Alicia H. Clark, PsyD - Blog - Book

Parents' insights into acceptance and emotional growth. Fears about donor conception typically fade. Embracing donor conception and parenthood often comes with time. Creating a narritive that feels right for you can be comforting. Donor conception will not always be the focal point of your parenting concerns. Using the genetics of someone you don’t know to help you build one of the most intimate relationships in your life can be very difficult. It can generate feelings of loss , worry about being accepted by others, fear of others not accepting your children , concerns about bonding, and more. These feelings do not need to be resolved to parent. They need to be accepted, and they often need time. Upsetting feelings may arise Your child may not look like you, act like you, or have your same IQ or talents. When you or others notice these differences, it may cause upset. If you, or others, notice similarities between you and your child, you may also be reminded that there is no genetic connection. It may be stressful to have medical questions that cannot be answered. Family gatherings may highlight genetic differences. Your child may experience a different type of adolescence than you did. When your child begins dating, you may become hyperaware of the peers whose parents also used sperm or egg donation. When your child spontaneously asks a question about their donor, you may feel caught off guard. If your partner is the genetically linked parent, you may have moments of jealousy. These experiences are normal, but they do not need to be problematic. The most important upsides If your early feelings ranged in intensity from 1-5, with 1. being the least upsetting to 5. being the most upsetting, and you have experienced 4-5 often, you will be glad to know that these feelings will likely decrease, maybe even to a 1 or 0 over time. While there may be moments of sadness throughout your parenting experience, those occasions will also diminish in number. Once you address the hurdles of disclosing to your child, get your footing on what feels right to you regarding disclosing to others, and your friends and family members become accustomed to the concept of donor conception, the subject will arise less frequently in your life. Using the assistance of a donor to build your family can feel threatening. It can feel like there is a ghost in your family that you wish wasn’t there. It can make you fear that you will be less of a parent. When you become a parent, that changes. As you bond with your child and experience all the joys and difficulties of parenthood, you will likely feel a greater sense of ownership over your new role, and the threat subsides. This new confidence often also gives rise to a greater appreciation for the donor. You will be busy living your dream. Whether it is being a soccer coach, watching your child’s ballet recital, tearing up at their kindergarten graduation, or just reading them a book at bedtime, your life will be filled with joyous moments. You don’t need to forget the donor and the gift they gave you, but you will now be consumed with the details of your life and the beautiful new job of parenthood. What you can do now Create a narrative for your child. Practice it and discuss it with your partner, your friends, and your family. Modify it until it feels comfortable. Talk to your partner, if you have one, about how much of your story you would like to share with others. Accept that your feelings will likely change over time. Focus on evidence-based information. Remember that you do not need to make your feelings disappear. As you practice your narrative and live your new life, donor conception will become part of your story, not the focus of your story. Lisa Schuman, LCSW - Website - Blog -

Festering anger that damages us and those around us can soften. Strong, chronic anger from childhood adversity damages us physically, mentally, and interpersonally. Anger can be resolved by softening angry memories and cultivating affirmative emotions This post is part of a series on adverse childhood experiences. Read the other parts here. Among Doreen’s six adverse childhood experiences was a cynical, angry, and emotionally abusive father. Today at 55, Doreen’s father has passed on, but her anger persists. Although her anger at present irritations seems justified to her, it leads to a number of troubling problems. What kind of problems does festering anger cause, and how is it resolved? Biological changes Research has shown that in young adults, spending 8 minutes recalling memories that evoke anger (but not sadness or anxiety) impairs the ability of blood vessels to relax for up to 40 minutes. Such changes have been shown to increase the risk of arterial plaque buildup, which hardens and narrows the arteries and increases the risk of heart attack and stroke. Chronic anger also causes inflammation, which is linked to many medical conditions. Reason hijacked Strong, chronic anger impairs the brain’s ability to reason, make decisions, and problem-solve. It overactivated the amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, making us more prone to act impulsively , overriding rational thinking, and keeping stress arousal high. At the same time, the prefrontal cortex, which manages planning, judgment, impulse control, empathy, and decision-making, goes offline, and blood flow is diverted away from areas involved in rational thinking. Thus, the chronically angry person is easily overwhelmed by emotions, finds it difficult to calm down and relax after becoming angry, and feels threatened more easily. Even minor triggers can lead to disproportionate emotional responses and aggressive behaviors. Ruminating over past offenses can also impair moral judgment, prompting aggressive behavior, harsh punishment, and retribution toward perceived offenders. Damaged interpersonal relationships Hostility is off-putting and pushes people away. In Doreen’s case, her anger manifests in explosive, angry outbursts that seem disproportionate to offenses. She is often sarcastic, distrusting, highly critical, and hypersensitive to criticism—verbally attacking those who disappoint her, seem to be acting unfairly, or try to offer constructive feedback. Such behaviors cause friends, family , and co-workers to avoid her. In addition, excessive anger is often passed on intergenerationally to children, whose developing brains form pathways similar to those of the angry parent. Resolving Strong, Chronic Anger A number of rapid, well-tolerated, effective therapies can help people identify and resolve the hidden wounds from childhood that drive anger in adulthood. These include accelerated resolution therapy (ART), instinctual trauma response (ITR), and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) . Before therapy, Doreen discounted the impact of ACEs in her life (“I’m an adult; I’m past all that”). Now she is grateful that a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. If seeking professional help is not feasible, there are many self-managed strategies that can be tried (see Schiraldi, 2021). The brain is plastic. Venting (such as angry outbursts, rage, and hurting others) reinforces neural pathways associated with anger and aggression. However, actively cultivating positive emotions—like humility, compassion, and happiness—can offset these neural pathways in the brain. Let’s take a look at some strategies: 1. Compassion Compassion is sorrow for your and others’ suffering and the desire to hold that suffering in loving-kindness. Before arising, you might start your day by placing your hands over your belly. Ground yourself by gratefully watching your hands rise and fall as your body draws nourishing oxygen into your lungs and expels CO2 without conscious thought. Now imagine that you gently draw soothing compassion into your belly on the next inbreath, and on the outbreath, sense compassion settling in your belly. During the day, whenever you feel threatened, frustrated, or irritated, pause to kindly acknowledge and settle your hurt. Take a few soothing breaths, and then repeat silently or aloud: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I bring kindness to this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” When you think of others who have offended you, you might think: “No one in their right mind enjoys causing others pain. There is no happiness in causing suffering. Hurtful behavior is more a reflection of the pain they carry.” Rather than nursing resentment or a desire for revenge, try to compassionately view the offender as a suffering person who doesn’t really know a better way to live. Without condoning serious offenses, compassion helps us to forgive offenders, including ourselves. And when anger is tempered by compassion, anger can be constructively channeled to finding solutions to problems. 2. Happiness Happy people tend to be less angry, in part because they shift their focus from ruminating about the past to finding things to enjoy. Research has found that happiness increases by taking as little as five minutes each day to recall a few things that you are grateful for. Savor the feelings that arise and contemplate why you appreciate these things. During the day, be on the lookout for things that are pleasant—good people, nature, little kindnesses, a smile, and so forth. Taking just a few minutes each day to recall a happy memory in detail, including what you sensed in your body, has also been found to increase happiness. 3. Humility Healthy humility, which reduces self-focus while valuing and empathizing with others, has been found to reduce anger. Healthy humility says: “I am not perfect. I have much to learn. That makes me just like everyone else—no more or less worthwhile as a person than anyone else!” “My mistakes are a wonderful opportunity to grow. When others offer feedback, I put my ego on the shelf and consider if that feedback might help me improve.” “When others disappoint me, I can humbly acknowledge that I, too, have fallen short. Instead of scolding, criticizing, and punishing (which does not inspire long-term change or cooperation), I kindly and respectfully encourage them and work with them to find solutions. “I realize that I’m not the central character in every drama. I am open to the idea that not all people are hostile and out to get me. Maybe their behavior is coming from their own unresolved hurts.” Perspective-taking The wounds from ACEs hurt but hurts that are acknowledged can be healed. They are not a weight we must carry through life. Many have learned to rise above their childhood wounds, and that the anger that was imprinted in the developing brain can be patiently transformed with loving-kindness. And this is very good news indeed. Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D., - Website - Blog - References Schiraldi, G. R. (2021). The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications. Shimbo, D., Cohen, M. T., McGoldrick, M., et al. (2024). Translational Research of the Acute Effects of Negative Emotions on Vascular Endothelial Health: Findings from a Randomized Controlled Study. Journal of the American Heart Association, 13 (9). Sacao, A. (2025). Your Heart and Mind Keep Score of Every Angry Moment. Epoch Times Mind & Body, July 9-15, B1-11.

What your brain does under threat—and what healing looks like. Trauma hijacks the brain’s survival systems, shutting down higher-order thinking. Freezing and dissociation are survival strategies, not failures. PTSD disrupts the brain’s ability to “turn off” the alarm. Evidence-based PTSD treatments restore the brains ability to modulate the threat response. Have you ever questioned why you—or someone close to you—froze, went numb, or seemed to shut down in the midst of trauma ? Maybe you’ve replayed the moment, asking, “Why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I run?” Or perhaps you’ve noticed that, even long after the event, your brain and body react to reminders as if the danger is happening all over again. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These are questions that linger for many survivors, and the answers are rooted in the very structure of our brains. When Survival Takes Over When your brain detects danger, it flips a switch: survival mode. Suddenly, digestion, complex thinking, and even speech is dialed down. The prefrontal cortex (PFC)—the part of your brain responsible for planning, reasoning, and self-control—goes offline. All available energy is rerouted to immediate reaction. The phrase “fight or flight” gets thrown around a lot, but it’s often misunderstood. Originally, it described a physiological state: Your sympathetic nervous system floods your body with adrenaline, prepping you to react (Hopper, 2021) . In fact, most people don’t fight or run during an assault. Instead, the brain defaults to whatever reflexes or habits it’s learned—sometimes fighting or fleeing, but often freezing, submitting, or dissociating . It is unusual to fight or flee while being assaulted! Why Freezing Happens Within seconds of a threat, your prefrontal cortex is impaired. The brain’s defense circuitry takes over, running on reflexes and habits. If you’ve learned to appease, submit, or go silent in the face of aggression, those habits may kick in automatically. Sometimes, the body freezes—muscles go rigid (tonic immobility), or limp (collapsed immobility). You might feel numb, disconnected, or “out of your body.” This isn’t weakness; it’s evolution’s way of keeping you alive. Check out this old account of David Livingstone being attacked by a lion in the 1800s: Growling horribly close to my ear, he shook me as a terrier dog does a rat. The shock produced a stupor similar to that which seems to be felt by a mouse after the first shake of the cat. It caused a sort of dreaminess, in which there was no sense of pain nor feeling of terror, though quite conscious of all that was happening. It was like what patients partially under the influence of chloroform describe, who see all the operation, but feel not the knife. This singular condition was not the result of any mental process. The shake annihilated fear, and allowed no sense of horror in looking round at the beast. This peculiar state is probably produced in all animals killed by the carnivora; and if so, is a merciful provision by our benevolent Creator for lessening the pain of death. (Livingstone, 1857) What self-protection habits did you learn growing up? How do you notice your body reacting similarly to stress or threat? Disrupted Feedback Loop: When Brains Get Stuck In a well-modulated threat response, the amygdala (the brain’s alarm center) detects threat, and the body reacts--we don't get to weigh in with logic or careful planning. Once the threat passes, the prefrontal cortex (the brain's executive functioning center) tells the amygdala to stand down. With PTSD , the amygdala shows heightened responsivity while the PFC shows decreased activity. Because the PFC is not functioning properly, there is no message sent back to the amygdala to stop the threat response. The amygdala stays on high alert, and the prefrontal cortex struggles to regain control. This means strong emotional reactions, trouble making decisions, and difficulty recognizing when you’re actually safe (Resick, Monson, & Chard, 2017). The prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until your mid-20s. This means children and teens have fewer resources to process trauma and may develop trauma-related beliefs or habits that stick with them into adulthood. Many adult survivors are still operating from the “rules” their brains created when they were young and vulnerable (Resick, Monson, & Chard, 2017). Healing: Rewiring the Brain Through Evidence-Based PTSD Treatment Recovery is possible. Evidence-based therapies like cognitive processing therapy (CPT) and prolonged exposure (PE) have been examined through fMRI studies, and have been shown to be actively retraining our brains (Abdallah et al, 2019; Fonzo et al, 2021). In these treatments, you talk about the trauma in a way that keeps your prefrontal cortex engaged—naming emotions, examining thoughts, and gradually making sense of what happened. By talking through traumatic events in a structured, supportive way, we keep the prefrontal cortex (PFC) “online.” This means the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, reflection, and self-control stays engaged, even as the trauma circuit is activated. This process helps rebuild the connection between your PFC and your amygdala, restoring the brain's ability to calm the survival response. As we revisit difficult memories, the PFC and amygdala are both active, but instead of the amygdala running wild with overwhelming emotion, the PFC helps modulate and contextualize those feelings. Over time, this repeated practice strengthens the connection between the PFC and amygdala. The result? The amygdala becomes less likely to trigger extreme emotional responses, and the brain learns that it’s possible to feel, reflect, and stay grounded—all at once. This is why these therapies are so effective: they help the brain practice regulation, not just recall. As you put words to your experience, you’re not just telling your story—you’re literally rewiring your brain: "Name it to tame it" (Resick, Monson, & Chard, 2017). In the process of healing, we learn that our trauma reactions were our brains doing their best to keep us alive. Now, with support and practice, we can teach our brains a new way to be. Jaimie Lusk, Psy.D., - Website - Blog - References Abdallah, C. G., Averill, C. L., Ramage, A. E., Averill, L. A., Alkin, E., Nemati, S., ... & STRONG STAR Consortium. (2019). Reduced salience and enhanced central executive connectivity following PTSD treatment. Chronic Stress, 3, 2470547019838971. Hopper, J. (n.d.). Jim Hopper, Ph.D. Hopper, J. [Jim Hopper, PhD]. (n.d.). Jim Hopper, PhD [YouTube channel]. YouTube. Hopper, J. (2021, February 8). Reflexes and habits is much better than “fight or flight.” Psychology Today. Livingstone, D. (1857). Missionary travels and researches in South Africa. Fonzo, G. A., Goodkind, M. S., Oathes, D. J., Zaiko, Y. V., Harvey, M., Peng, K. K., ... & Etkin, A. (2021). Amygdala and insula connectivity changes following psychotherapy for posttraumatic stress disorder: a randomized clinical trial. Biological Psychiatry, 89(9), 857-867. Resick, P. A., Monson, C. M., & Chard, K. M. (2017). Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD: A Comprehensive Therapist Manual (2nd ed.).

Four psychological reasons why you may be making suboptimal financial choices. People often struggle to meet their financial goals. Emotions, habits, and belief systems can lead us astray from financial goals. There are ways to overcome financial self-sabotage. Self-sabotage occurs when someone’s actions undermine their own goals and well-being. In relationships, self-sabotage may occur when you end a good friendship because of your own demons or personal insecurities, leaving both people feeling upset. In our professional lives, self-sabotage may happen when we procrastinate on a deadline until the last possible hour to start making progress, leading to a suboptimal deliverable. Self-sabotage can rear its ugly head in many forms. Personal finances are no exception to this rule. We have financial goals that we set and truly want to achieve, yet we fail to accomplish them. Here are four reasons why people may engage in financial self-sabotage. 1. Your Conscious and Subconscious Beliefs Trap: Our beliefs guide our behaviors. When you believe statements like, “Money is the root of all evil,” you are naturally going to be less likely to meet financial goals because you hold a negative set of beliefs about accumulating money. Saving is often not the default behavior for most consumers, so holding a negative belief about saving money will cause your bank balance to vanish in the blink of an eye. Fix: Make a deliberate effort to understand your explicit and implicit beliefs about spending and saving money. Understand that saving money can be used for good, such as retiring at an earlier age, passing on wealth to a future generation, or donating to charity. 2. Your Emotions Trap: Emotions are among the most powerful direct influences on our day-to-day decisions. Fear and anxiety play a critical role in shaping our financial planning. If you are anxious about how high your monthly credit card bill is, this anxiety may cause you to avoid checking the amount of money you own on your credit card to avoid the unpleasant emotion of not being able to cover the monthly charges. Likewise, fear often drives people to avoid learning the complicated lingo associated with stocks and investing. The fear of complicated terms like S&P500, 401k, dividends, or mutual funds leads to avoidance. Fix: Be willing to accept some short-term negative emotion in exchange for long-term progress. Business titan Peter Drucker once said, “What gets measured gets managed.” Understand that just as for any other goal, you must be willing to map out and track your progress to be successful. Embrace the fear and anxiety upfront, knowing that they will subside over time. 3. You Procrastinate Trap: Many people put off investing and paying off outstanding debts, just as they put off working on a home improvement project or losing some weight. Just as with health or home improvement projects, the initial effort is unpleasant, which makes it tempting to put off until an indefinite date in the future. However, the only smarter time to start investing than today is yesterday. If you don’t believe me, I put the age Warren Buffet first bought a stock at the bottom of the article (the answer might surprise you). Fix: Start investing and paying off debts today—no excuses. If your company offers a 401k or IRA, start contributing. Otherwise, open one on your own. Financial problems unfortunately do not disappear over time—they get worse. Take the inconvenient but noble action to nip these problems in the bud so they don’t become a catastrophe later on down the road. 4. Get-Rich-Quick Mindsets Trap: We fantasize about getting rich overnight by winning the lottery, hitting it big at the casino, winning a 10-way parlay sports bet, or the cryptocurrency we just bought increasing 100X in value this year. These events make for great social media content and news headlines. However, these systems prey on consumers because the house always wins. Fix: Avoid get-rich-quick mindsets and schemes. An occasional sports bet or weekend at the casino in Vegas is admittedly fun and will not bankrupt you if you bet reasonably. But habitually spending on these get-rich-quick schemes can hurt you. Conclusion Assessing your financial mindset, habits, and goals on a monthly basis can go a long way over time. Einstein said the eighth wonder of the world is compound interest, and he was a pretty smart guy. It is easy to procrastinate on learning about and taking action on our financial decisions because of anxiety and fear surrounding the topic. While you may not be able to travel back in time and purchase your first stock at age 11 (as Warren Buffett did), understanding the factors that feed into self-sabotage can help you beat it. Max Alberhasky, Ph.D., - Website - Blog -

How to bring self-worth back to center, again and again. Managing your low self-worth emotions when they strike is the key to overcoming low self-esteem. If you learn how to manage your triggers differently, self-efficacy develops. The more you know you can cope with setbacks in the moment, the more peace and joy you can feel. If you read my posts on How Low Self-Worth Quietly Shapes Your Life and How to Reset a Low Self-Worth Default, you now have an understanding of how the pain of low self-esteem has compromised your capacity to feel free, joyful, and whole. And you are likely building awareness for how your brain clicks into a low self-worth narrative, by overthinking or generally being self-critical. The last piece of the puzzle is about how to manage your low self-worth emotions in the moment. For some, the trigger to low self-worth could be a perceived failure, a setback, or feeling less than others in some way. Whatever the trigger, the response is usually one of shame that brings on stress along with alarming thoughts that make you feel unsafe or found out as bad, wrong, or different. When this happens, you can easily be overcome to the point that it is hard to do anything to help yourself improve the situation or get more data that might make you feel better. Here are 10 research-backed tools that help regulate self-worth the moment the trigger strikes. You don’t have to use all of these, but practicing two or three on a regular basis can make a significant difference: Calm the body: Typically, the first sign a person is triggered occurs way before the thoughts and is a bodily, physical reaction. Build awareness for what happens in your body when low self-worth strikes. Sensations that might signal you’ve been triggered include your stomach dropping, heart beating fast, jaw tensing, thoughts spinning, and feeling frozen. Recognizing what your physical sensation is will help you level it off more quickly. Label your physical sensations, thoughts, or feelings: Build awareness for what is occurring in your body and your mind so you may gain control. Gently label, heart is beating fast, or “I am aware I feel shame,” “I am observing that I am freezing in real time,” or “I am thinking that I have been found out as not being enough.” Self-compassion: Self-compassion is a profound tool that research1 shows works in the moment. Remember, whatever the trigger or perceived mistake, you are part of the larger shared human experience. All humans are imperfect, and you are not alone. You can’t get through life without setbacks—that fact connects us to one another. These thoughts will help you feel less different and isolated. Try to say something like: “I accept myself fully as I am in this moment.” Stop comparisons: Comparing yourself to others, whether finding yourself superior or inferior, only increases low self-esteem. Accept that ups and downs are part of life. Lasting peace comes from self-acceptance, not by trying to be like or better than others. Remember how you want others to feel around you versus feeling like you need to perform: People rarely remember the details of what you did or didn’t do correctly. They do remember how you make them feel, what your energy is, and how connected and present you are. These are qualities that you can practice right now. Decrease self-critical perfectionism: Recognize that you very likely have black-and-white expectations for yourself—either you are great or you are awful, you are a success or a failure. This means your success is driven by a fear of shame or being found out. Catch yourself when engaging this kind of self-critical thinking,2 and instead, turn yourself over to radically accepting yourself and your life just as they are in this moment. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like everything going on, but there is peace in saying to yourself, “It is what it is.” Utilize cognitive reappraisal: If you struggle with low self-worth, then when something happens that is out of place, it’s easy to conclude the problem must be you. Research1 shows that cognitive reappraisal reduces emotional intensity, thereby keeping self-worth intact. So, when you notice a trigger, say your boss doesn’t mention the time you spent on a project, instead of letting your initial low self-esteem interpretation run amuck: “My boss doesn’t mention how hard I work, so she must not like me,” find a way to change your initial interpretation. Reframe the situation in a way that keeps your self-esteem intact: “Maybe my boss is overwhelmed by the project and not yet able to see what I have contributed.” If you remain calm, you will have time to figure out if something bigger is going on versus reacting with panic and intensity, often making the matter worse and reinforcing your low self-worth. Stay connected: Try to resist the urge to let the shame win and make you hide out. In a given interaction, if you feel low self-worth triggered, you may freeze or shut down. Find a way to stand up, move, and continue to be present. This gives you time to see if you can collect more data that makes you feel better about yourself, or a new topic that takes away the shame. Bring to mind a peaceful word and image: Find a word and an image that makes you feel calm and grounded when faced with low self-esteem triggers—for example, internally saying the word “calm” and picturing the ocean, or the word “whole” and picturing a rooted tree. Celebrate your growth: After a challenging event has passed, see if you can identify the ways in which you coped better—and by this I mean coped without being mean or critical of yourself. Give yourself credit for this and commit to repeating it next time. Jill P. Weber, Ph.D., - Website - Blog - References 1. Braet J, Debra G, Giletta M. I've got a friend in me: The effect of self-compassion on affect via emotion regulation in adolescents using ecological momentary assessment. Behav Res Ther. 2025 Oct;193:104807. 2. Fekih-Romdhane F, Sawma T, Obeid S, Hallit S. Self-critical perfectionism mediates the relationship between self-esteem and satisfaction with life in Lebanese university students. BMC Psychol. 2023 Jan 7;11(1):4.

Recognizing the distinction between OCD and BFRBs matters for diagnosis and treatment. Both OCD and BFRBs involve repetitive behaviors that can feel hard to stop. OCD and BFRBs can overlap, but they are separate conditions with differing treatment approaches. Getting the right diagnosis is the first step toward the right kind of help. Body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are often confused. Both conditions can cause significant distress and impairment to daily functioning, and both often involve repetitive actions that feel difficult or impossible to stop. Yet there are important differences in their underlying mechanisms, functions, and treatments. Let’s explore what connects these two and what sets them apart. The Overlap: Why They're Sometimes Confused 1. Repetitive behaviors that feel compulsive At first glance, both BFRBs and OCD involve behaviors that are repeated and hard to control. Someone may repeatedly pull out hair (trichotillomania), pick at skin (excoriation disorder), or check the locks on the door dozens of times (OCD). This can understandably seem similar to an outside observer. 2. Tension and relief cycles Many people with BFRBs or OCD describe feeling a build-up of internal tension, discomfort, or distress that is only relieved by performing the behavior. In both cases, the action may offer temporary relief, but often at the cost of longer-term distress or impairment. 3. Co-occurrence It’s not uncommon for individuals to experience both OCD and a BFRB. For example, a person with contamination-related OCD, marked by fears of illness and cleaning rituals, may also struggle with compulsive skin picking. 4. Neurobiological overlap Emerging research suggests that there is shared brain circuitry involved in OCD and BFRBs, particularly in regions related to habit formation, impulse control, and emotional regulation. The Distinctions: Why They Are Distinctly Different 1. Diagnostic categories Though both are included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR; 2022) under the category of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, BFRBs like trichotillomania and excoriation disorder are distinct diagnoses classified within that grouping of disorders. 2. Awareness and automaticity It’s common for people with BFRBs to engage in behaviors outside of full awareness. They may find themselves pulling or picking automatically, often while distracted or under-stimulated, only noticing after they have been engaging in the behavior for a period of time. OCD compulsions, by contrast, are more deliberate and purposeful and are often accompanied by significant distress in the moment. 3. Nature of thoughts and function of the behavior OCD is characterized by obsessions (i.e., intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images, or urges that generate significant anxiety ) and compulsions (i.e., mental or behavioral actions performed to reduce that anxiety or prevent a feared outcome). BFRBs, in contrast, are not typically driven by obsessive fears. Instead, they are often preceded by a physical urge, sensory discomfort, or an emotional state, such as tension or boredom. This doesn’t mean intrusive thoughts never occur with BFRBs, because they can. For example, someone with skin picking disorder might notice a bump and think, “This shouldn’t be here” or “If I pick this, it will heal faster.” The difference lies in the function of the behavior: In OCD, the thought is linked to fear, and the behavior is carried out to prevent harm or reduce anxiety. In BFRBs, the thought may prompt the behavior, but it is not about averting danger. Instead, the behavior is driven by urges, sensations, or the search for relief. 4. Nature of the behaviors OCD compulsions are usually carried out according to rigid rules or rituals. For example, someone might feel they must wash their hands a specific number of times, check the stove in a certain sequence, or repeat a phrase until it feels “just right.” These rules provide a sense of certainty or safety in the face of anxiety. BFRBs, by contrast, are not typically rule-bound. Hair pulling, skin picking, or nail biting usually don’t follow a strict pattern or sequence. And, if the sequence is carried out more flexibly, there is no distress associated with the way in which it must be carried out in order to provide relief. 5. How the symptoms feel in the moment BFRBs are often at least partly ego-syntonic, meaning they can feel consistent with an individual's desires or provide some short-term satisfaction. For example, pulling hair or picking skin may bring a sense of relief, soothing, or even pleasure, even if those feelings are followed by guilt, frustration, or shame. In contrast, OCD compulsions are usually ego-dystonic, meaning they feel unwanted, distressing, and out of alignment with what the person actually wants. Someone with OCD may wash their hands for hours, not because it feels good, but because they feel they have to in order to try to get rid of overwhelming anxiety or prevent something terrible from happening. This distinction is important: BFRBs tend to persist, in part, because they provide short-term relief or reward, while OCD compulsions are fueled by fear and anxiety. As a result, the two conditions require very different treatment approaches. 6. Treatment approach While cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is foundational for both, the specific interventions differ. OCD is most effectively treated with e xposure and response prevention (ERP) . Although ERP may be a useful component of an evidence-based treatment plan for BFRBs, a more comprehensive behavioral treatment approach is considered the standard of care, including the integration of treatment components (integrative behavioral therapies), such as traditional CBT , habit reversal training (HRT), comprehensive behavioral treatment (ComB), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) , mindfulness practices, and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills. While serotonergic agents, most commonly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are often effective in reducing symptoms of OCD, their benefits for BFRBs are far less consistent. In fact, there are currently no FDA-approved medications specifically for the treatment of BFRBs, though medications may still play a role in managing co-occurring conditions that can influence BFRB symptoms. Why Understanding the Difference Between OCD and BFRBs Matters Although OCD and BFRBs share similarities, they are fundamentally different in what drives them, how they are experienced, and how they respond to treatment. Mistaking one for the other can delay effective care and leave individuals feeling misunderstood or unsupported. Recognizing these distinctions not only guides people toward proper care and resources but also reduces stigma and self-blame. Accurate diagnosis and evidence-based treatment can make a profound difference, offering individuals the tools they need to reduce symptoms and improve quality of life. Marla Deibler, Psy.D., ABPP, - Welcome - Blog -

Embracing grieving and forgiveness can help heal anger, blame, and pain. High-conflict gray divorce can cause estrangement between parents and children. Forgiveness is for our healing, not excusing the person who hurt us. Grieving and forgiveness practices can ease pain and heal and rebuild wounded relationships. Gray divorce refers to couples aged 50 and older ending their marriage. Researchers found that the divorce rate for this group has been the fastest growing in the U.S., doubling between 1990 and 2010, and they predicted it would increase by a third by 2030. Countries worldwide are experiencing a similar rise. Divorce doesn't have to be war; however, it often becomes one. Some even call it "tribal warfare," when family members align with each parent and judge, blame, and shame the other parent. Minor and adult children may become caught in this painful dynamic and lose contact with grandparents, cousins, uncles, and aunts. Sometimes the children of the marriage refuse to see one or both parents. Estrangement can permeate the family system. Such estrangement is costly for children and their parents emotionally, mentally, and physically. Grieving and Forgiveness Dustin, 17, is intelligent, athletic, and successful in school. He is looking forward to college next year. Three years ago, his 52-year-old parents announced they were divorcing after 21 years of marriage. They have been fighting in court ever since. The following is a snippet from one of our therapy sessions. Dustin's piercing blue eyes fixed on mine, and he began. Dustin: I'm so tired of being sad and angry at my dad for the pain he's caused me. I feel so drained. You've helped me learn what I need to do to move through it. I get what grieving is and why I needed to do it. I've been doing the grief work about my pain and losses from my parents' divorce. It's also helped me that I got my wish. Finally, Dad has been going to therapy. He texted me that he is responsible for his actions that ruined my high school years in many ways. It felt freeing to hear that. I still don't want to see him, but I'm ready to do more of the forgiveness work I've been learning from you. I gave Dustin a handout with the two definitions of forgiveness developed by E. Worthington that said: Decisional forgiveness involves deciding to forgive and letting go of angry and resentful thoughts and feelings toward the person who wronged you. Emotional forgiveness involves replacing negative emotions with positive feelings like compassion, sympathy, and empathy. Carol: "Which definition applies to you today?" Dustin: Both apply to me because I've decided to let go of my angry, resentful thoughts and feelings toward Dad, and I'm willing to learn how to have positive feelings. Carol: I agree with you. We'll start with a process developed by the co-founder and director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Research Institute, Dr. Luskin. It involves mindfulness practice, which you learned and practiced in your grieving work. Would you be willing to read aloud what he wrote about forgiveness, his forgiveness training, and its benefits, which is in the handout I gave you last session? Dustin: Sure. He opened his notebook that he brought to each session and read. Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened, denying, or minimizing your feelings, or giving up that you have feelings. Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the one who hurt you. Forgiveness is for you, not the one who hurt you; taking back your power; taking responsibility for how you feel; about your healing and not about the people who hurt you; a choice; and a trainable skill. Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings and can improve your mental and physical health. In careful scientific studies, forgiveness training has been shown to reduce depression, increase hopefulness, decrease anger, improve spiritual connection, increase emotional self-confidence, and help heal relationships. Learning to forgive is good for both your mental and physical well-being and your relationships. Looking up, he added, "When I read this at home, I really liked all of it. I am ready for the next steps." Carol: That's great! Next, what do you remember about Dr. Luskin's teachings on the blocks to forgiveness, and what you wrote about yourself for each point? He flipped to another page in his notebook. Dustin: I'm so excited to be learning this. I'll read out loud what he says the blocks to forgiveness are, and what I wrote about myself. Taking things too personally - Of course, what Dad did hurt me personally, but I've taken it too far as though he did it to ruin my life. Playing the blame game - I've always blamed him for ruining my life. Having unrealistic expectations - I thought my parents would stay married forever. Having unenforceable rules - I thought my parents should have stayed married, so I would not have to deal with the trauma and pain of their awful divorce. Creating grievance stories - I've repeatedly told my friends how Dad ruined my high school years. Having unenforceable rules - I haven't seen Dad for three years, hoping he would hurt like he hurt me. Carol: You have a lot of insight, Dustin. In our next session, we'll do more exercises to help you move further through forgiveness. If you relate to this story, it might be a good fit for you to work with a therapist who has expertise in how grieving and forgiveness can help. Patient names and details changed to preserve confidentiality. Copyright 2025 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D. - Website - Blog - References Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Understanding our family through the multigenerational transmission process. Families pass on behaviors, emotions, and relationship patterns from generation to generation. The family is the first social system to which an individual is exposed. Becoming aware of our inherited patterns, we can choose which to continue and which to change. Imagine navigating through a forest, where each tree represents a family , and its roots represent its members that span back many generations. The roots, entwined and deep, hold the shared experiences, values, and emotional undercurrents that bind the family together. Just as these roots draw nutrients from the soil to sustain the tree, so too do our ancestors' emotional and behavioral patterns influence and nurture our ways of being in the world. This natural framework sets the stage for understanding the multigenerational transmission process, which explores how the hidden roots of our family's past shape our present and future landscape. The multigenerational transmission process is a concept developed by psychiatrist Murray Bowen. It posits that families pass on behaviors, emotions, and relationship patterns from generation to generation. These inherited traits can influence how we view relationships, manage stress, and approach life's challenges. Many find themselves replicating family behaviors without fully understanding why, and this concept helps explain why patterns repeat. Consider the family as the first social system to which an individual is exposed. Within this system, children absorb not just love and care but also ways of handling emotions, conflict, and relationships. For example, a family where open communication about feelings is encouraged might foster generations of individuals comfortable with emotional expression. Conversely, in families where emotions are suppressed, or conflict is avoided, children may learn to internalize their feelings, leading to potential emotional disconnects in their future relationships. Additionally, the multigenerational transmission process explains the slight differences in how independent or differentiated individuals are from their parents and how this can lead to significant differences in independence among extended family members over many generations. Over time, some family members become more independent or "self-differentiated," while others become less so, based on the dynamics in their immediate family. People tend to choose partners who are as independent as they are, which can lead to families where these traits become more pronounced over generations. One family line might become more independent and stable while another becomes less so. How independent or differentiated someone is can significantly influence their life, affecting things like health , marriage stability, success in school, and career achievements. Families with highly independent individuals tend to be more stable and contribute more to society, while those with less independent members might struggle more and rely more on others. This concept tells us that the most profound human issues and strengths are often inherited from many generations back. It also shows how these inherited traits influence how we see ourselves, interact with others, and choose our partners. For instance, someone who's been taught to be overly dependent and indecisive is likely to select a partner who complements these traits by being overly controlling and decisive. Understanding the impact of our family legacy begins with tracing family relationships back through generations. Here's a guide to help you start exploring your family patterns: 1. Start With Conversations: Talk to older family members about their lives, values, and the lessons they've learned. These stories can provide invaluable insights into recurring family patterns. 2. Map the Family Tree: A visual representation of your family tree, a genogram, can help you identify relationships and patterns more clearly. Pay special attention to any repeated events or behaviors (e.g., instances of divorce , mental health issues, or career paths). 3. Recognize Emotional Patterns: Reflect on your family's emotional climate. Are there prevailing moods or attitudes toward certain life events? How do family members interact during conflicts? 4. Seek Common Themes: Look for themes that recur over generations. These could range from positive traits like resilience and strong work ethic to more challenging patterns like avoidance of conflict or difficulty in maintaining relationships. 5. Acknowledge Individual Differences: While recognizing patterns, it's crucial to remember that each family member has their own agency. People can and do change, influenced by factors outside the family system. Understanding our family legacy doesn't mean resigning ourselves to fate. Instead, it offers a powerful opportunity for growth and healing. By becoming aware of these inherited patterns, we can choose which to continue and which to replace with new, healthier patterns. This process isn't always easy and may require support from mental health professionals, especially those familiar with Bowen Family Therapy or similar modalities. In essence, the multigenerational transmission process teaches us that while our family history influences who we are, we hold the power to create new patterns for future generations. It reminds us that amidst the complexities of our family legacies lies the potential for profound personal transformation and healing. By exploring the depths of our family stories, we gain insights into our past and empower ourselves to create a legacy of mindfulness, resilience, and emotional health for future generations. Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D. - Website - Blog - Book - References Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice . Jason Aronson.

Depression can cloud the mind, but we can improve our ability to think clearly. One mechanism of depression's effects on memory may involve neuroinflammation. Neuroinflammation appears to disrupt functions of the hippocampus, an area of the brain key in memory. Adaptive strategies and treatment may improve cognition in people experiencing depression. What was her name? I could vividly picture her. I could remember all kinds of stories and times we shared. Why couldn't I think of her name? I put my head down, trying to figure out how I could find it. There it was, written in a book. I took a breath and moved on. I know what this is. No shame spirals today. Depression Thinking Most people are aware that depression can incite negative thinking. We become more pessimistic and self-critical when we are depressed. Yet, something less known is that depression can also affect your ability to think clearly. If you feel like you are thinking more slowly and struggling to get things done while depressed, you are probably right. A systemic review found that individuals experiencing major depression consistently showed slower processing speed. They also had difficulties with executive functioning or engaging in the tasks necessary to plan or complete another task (Nuño and colleagues, 2021). Other research has identified depression-related difficulties in cognitive domains as diverse as attention and long-term memory (Hammar and colleagues, 2022). Yet, positively, many of these deficits appear to improve when a person reaches recovery from their depression (Kriesche and colleagues, 2023). It's Not in Your Head, It's in Your Brain Why does this happen? My undergraduate professors taught me that much of this relates to motivation. When we feel down, it is difficult to wrangle the energy to best engage our brain resources. Although such demoralization may play a role, more current research suggests there may be neurological reasons as well. Research investigating how and why depression affects our ability to remember things and concentrate has suggested neuroinflammation as a possible mechanism. Specifically, neuroinflammation affecting the hippocampus, a brain region believed to be key in memory, appears to disrupt an important process. The hippocampus is one section of the brain capable of a fantastic process called neurogenesis, which creates new neurons and connections. Neuroinflammation linked to depression seems to inhibit this process (Wu and Zhang, 2023). What Can You Do? If you are struggling with cognitive symptoms of depression, you are not alone. Here are a few simple steps to tackle these frustrating challenges. Self-Compassion Difficulties with memory, attention, and processing speed set us up for self-criticism. Remember that these symptoms are part of depression. They aren't your fault. Give yourself the kindness you would give a friend. If you make a mistake, show grace. If you notice your mind spouting off unkind self-talk, respond to yourself with compassion. 2. Adaptive Strategies During times of depression, utilizing all available tools can be helpful. Simple strategies like writing things down, setting phone alarms to remind you about important tasks, and giving yourself more breaks with high-demand cognitive tasks are ways you can work around depression's effects. 3. Ask for Help Cognitive symptoms can be like an alarm signaling a need for help. Receiving support for your depression is vital. Many depression treatments, including transcranial magnetic stimulation (Luber and colleagues, 2014) and some medications (McIntyre and colleagues, 2014), have been demonstrated to address this class of symptoms. Jennifer Gerlach, LCSW, - Website - Blog - Book - References Hammar, Å., Ronold, E. H., & Rekkedal, G. Å. (2022). Cognitive impairment and neurocognitive profiles in major depression—a clinical perspective. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 13, 764374. Kriesche, D., Woll, C. F., Tschentscher, N., Engel, R. R., & Karch, S. (2023). Neurocognitive deficits in depression: a systematic review of cognitive impairment in the acute and remitted state. European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, 273(5), 1105-1128. McIntyre, R. S., Lophaven, S., & Olsen, C. K. (2014). A randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled study of vortioxetine on cognitive function in depressed adults. International Journal of Neuropsychopharmacology, 17(10), 1557-1567. Luber, B., & Lisanby, S. H. (2014). Enhancement of human cognitive performance using transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). Neuroimage, 85, 961-970. Nuño, L., Gómez-Benito, J., Carmona, V. R., & Pino, O. (2021). A systematic review of executive function and information processing speed in major depression disorder. Brain Sciences, 11(2), 147. Wu, A., & Zhang, J. (2023). Neuroinflammation, memory, and depression: new approaches to hippocampal neurogenesis. Journal of Neuroinflammation, 20(1), 283.

Seeing dating and relationships as exciting opportunities vs. stressful threats. Anxiety is a bad feeling (negative valence) of urgency (high arousal) from situations we see as threatening. Calming down is hard because we must change both our valence (think positive) and arousal (relax) to do so. With only positive refocusing, however, anxious social situations can become exciting opportunities instead. When we experience situations that are new, uncertain, or not under our control, we can feel anxious. As a result, we might even start imagining the worst, making it hard to think, focus, and perform. Unfortunately, social situations are often new and uncertain. Such situations are also circumstances where we’d like to think, focus, and perform at our best. So, what can we do? To start, we need to understand that anxiety raises our energy (called high arousal) but also makes us feel bad (called negative valence). When we try to calm down, we attempt to change both of those things at the same time. We’re trying to relax (lower our arousal) and see things more positively (improve our valence). Doing both of those things at once can be a challenge, especially when we’re stressed in the first place. Given that, what if we tried to just change one thing instead? Specifically, what if we got excited—keeping arousal high, but making our emotional valence more positive? Would that work? Let’s see what the research has to say… Reappraising Anxiety as Excitement A series of studies by Brooks (2014) tested this very idea. The author reasoned that both anxiety and excitement were very similar emotional states, helping to raise our energy level and anticipate future events in uncertain situations. Nevertheless, they differed in their valence (negative vs. positive), which changed how people thought about those uncertain situations (as threats vs. opportunities). Given the similar arousal level and motivation toward anticipating events, however, would it be possible to just switch the valence and reappraise anxiety as excitement instead? Brooks (2014) explored that question in two experiments, by putting participants in surprise social situations, where they had to sing karaoke or give a speech in front of a stranger. Before performing, they were told to make self-statements of “I am excited” or “I am calm” out loud. Follow-up questions found that all performers were still somewhat anxious, but those who said they were excited out loud felt better and performed better. Singers sang better and felt more successful, while speakers were seen as more persuasive, competent, confident, and persistent, too. Brooks (2014) conducted two more experiments to look for the underlying reason why this reappraisal of anxiety as excitement worked. This time, however, participants were instructed to “get excited” or “try and remain calm,” as they took what was labeled as a “difficult IQ test” of math problems. Here again, those who focused on getting excited performed better and felt more efficacious. In addition, the study results indicated that getting excited also helped participants adopt an opportunity mindset (as opposed to a threat mindset). Put simply, getting excited helped participants identify the positive possibilities and options in the situation, rather than getting bogged down on the negative risks and hazards. Getting Excited for Opportunities Given those results, it appears that getting excited can help make anxiety provoking situations feel less threatening and intimidating. In turn, the positive focus that comes from excitement can improve confidence, performance, and even persuasiveness. Taken together, those factors can put us in an opportunity mindset, where we can better enjoy social interactions and intellectual challenges too. Overall, we feel, think, and perform better when we’re excited, because it changes our perspective. Much of the time, however, negative thinking and worrying about risks is our default human mindset (known as loss aversion). Thus, we can improve our decision-making by including other perspectives. Getting excited gives us that new perspective—a positive one. So, we can see the opportunities and benefits, rather than just the risks and costs. With a date or mate, that means we can focus on mutual attraction, compatibility, and fun! Other research supports this type of positive refocusing as well. For example, in my book Attraction Psychology (Nicholson, 2022), I discuss how focusing on being curious can help reduce anxiety in dating and social situations, too. Much like excitement, curiosity also improves our perspective, opening us up to see more opportunities and possibilities. So, putting those two mindsets together might be particularly helpful in romantic and social interactions. In fact, much of the fun of dating and relating comes from being curious and excited, enjoying the positive opportunities and experiences that social interactions bring into your life. Beyond that, exciting and arousing activities can create attraction between yourself and your date or mate as well. So, get excited, stay curious about the positive possibilities, and enjoy your social life. If you do, then you might find you’re more attractive, arousing, and persuasive than you think, too! Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. - Website - Blog - References Nicholson, J. S. (2022). Attraction Psychology: Solutions for Successful Dating and Relationships. Brooks, A. W. (2014). Get excited: Reappraising pre-performance anxiety as excitement. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(3), 1144–1158.